update on the situation with my mom

[summer]

So I made a financial proposal to my mom. I told her I need to know more about her spending, we could make a budget together, I would keep the records (since it was too overwhelming for her) and we'd try to find a way to work out her financial issues so she could have more while I give less. I told her I wanted to help, but just giving wouldn't work forever and I need to save for DD also, so we had to make this money go further.

She basically told me to take a long walk off a short bridge.

She told me that I was asking her to do more work than the government, that the money wasn't worth it, and obviously my husband had made me ask this of her. She said she wouldn't be taking anything else from me and would probably die in this sad apartment (hinting that this would all indirectly be my fault)

I'm sad and hurt and extremely fucking angry. Like I need to go to kickboxing or something and beat the shit out of something. Sonofabitch, no one does passive-aggressive guilt like my mother. That is some hateful shit to do to your own kid. Especially a kid whose probably given you $20K in the last 10 yrs.

[marie427]

I'm so sorry. *hugs*

[downtoearth]

Sorry - it sounds like she actually made not giving her money a lot easier since she handled it so poorly.

I think you need to distance yourself from her - despite the need to have a mom in your life, it seems to be costing you a lot (emotionally and literally) without much return.

[teflep]

I,am so sorry. You were very reasonable and it is bull what she is doing to you. Hopefully a few moments will pass and she will realize it is reasonable. Money is always a hard topic. Hugs!

[copzgirl1171]

Give her a few days kiddo. There is nothing like trying to delve into a parents finances to make them act all batshit crazy. She probably is hurt that you think she can't do it herself. You can still move her to my home crib. Store in town, Rx in town, and a wonderful NP and no crime. Hint, Hint.

My mom is so poor she can't pay attention but you would think she is sitting in Fort Knox the way she guards her finances.

[heightsyankee]

May 31, 2012 11:52:47 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I think you need to distance yourself from her - despite the need to have a mom in your life, it seems to be costing you a lot (emotionally and literally) without much return.

I'm so sorry. You really made her a wonderful offer and should feel proud of what you wanted to do.

I agree with the distance. Maybe she has to really hit bottom to appreciate how much you do for her on a regular basis.

[cookiemdough]

You know you have done all you can. It is not fair that she can't even meet you half way on this. The logical side of me says it is time to cut her off, and the emotional side of me wants to give you a big hug because I know this will be hard for you to do. At some point though you can't help those who are unwilling to help themselves. Maybe reach out to other family members and see if they have better luck?

[pamela]

Sounds like the government should be asking more of her.

But really, I'm sorry she can't appreciate sincere help. I'd just back away until she can apologize and is ready to work jointly with you to help herself.

[twotrue]

I'm sorry. I agree with copz, give her a few days/weeks to take it all in. In the meantime go find that punching bag.

[summer]

Thanks for the support. I'll let you know when I crawl out of this bottle of vodka.

Yes, I handle things so well, don't I.

[copzgirl1171]

Oh, Pamela. Trust me the gov't and state gov't doesn't just hand out aid. It is a battle of fortitude to do every thing they need you to do to even get an appointment to see about aid.

So many people slip through the cracks because they don't understand or have the where with all to follow through.

[ringstrue]

Ugh!

It's such a tough situation. Its very hard to know what your place *should* be. On the one hand she needs help in a lot of ways, but on the other hand she seems perfectly content to take your $$ and be all set.

Is she on SS/medicare yet? I just wonder if there is some sort of assistance the govt. can "persuade" her into if push came to shove and she proved to be unfit to manage her own finances, kwim? She can't be the first woman in this situation.

[charminglife]

I am really sorry that she responded like that. Its not fair to you after what you've done and I understand your frustration and anger.

Can you enlist a professional here? Is there someone else who she trusts that can deliver your message - like another family member or could the two of you (or the three of you, including your husband) meet with a financial planner?

Family relationships can be overwhelming and hard.