DD'd: Opinion - not remarrying for kids' sake

[Deleted]

and *poof*

Thanks for all the opinions.  Interesting topic. 

[sillygoosegirl]

Sad story. I wouldn't be here if my mom had decided not to remarry, which is neither here nor there, but our dad adopted my brother and sister who were from my mom's first marriage, and I think he's been a great father to them as well. I'm confident that he loves them as much as he loves me. I can see choosing not to marry someone who won't make your prior children a priority, or won't give you time for them, but there are tons of great stepdads and adoptive dads out there.

[ssmjlm]

That sounds like instead of having to go through dating, etc, it's a much better excuse.

MIL left when DH was a senior in high school. One day his parents said they were divorcing and she moved out. She got remarried about six or so years later and while I'm sure DH is happy she has someone, even a blended family with adult children has been very difficult, which is a long story. Let's just say, she hasn't made any moves toward this grandchild on the way, sadly for DH.

[Deleted]

This is going to sound horrible, but it's my honest gut reaction.
I think not getting remarried "for the kids" is as AWish and martyr parenting as staying together "for the kids." Yes you have to sacrafice for your kids but being a great parent IMO doesn't come at the expense of giving up your life goals, desires, dreams and needs either.

The problems that come with remarriage and families not getting a long has more to do with how the situation is handled rather than the situation itself. If one parent is trash talking the other it's not going to be positive for example. If Dad remarries, moves away, forgets about his kids, it's obviously not going to be good and there's more underlying issues than just getting remarried.

I see kids in these situations everyday. Some are much better off with single parents, others are doing great with remarried parents. Still others struggle parents who stay together but shouldn't. The common demominator amongst these situations is whether or not the parents took responsibility for their actions, included their kids and acted like a mature adult.

It's all really hard at the end of the day no matter what.

Before this all blows up in my face, this is just my call it as I see it observation and my personal opinion. Most family backstories are a mile long and really situation dependent. I'm just looking at it from a "what I would do" perspective.

[sailorgray]

I think her intentions were probably good. It can be hard on kids to see people come and go and maybe she thought she was protecting them. Maybe marriage just wasn't worth it to her. Maybe she felt terrible for her kids since the dad pretty much abandoned them b/c he remarried and she didn't want them to think she would do the same.

[Deleted]

Jan 25, 2013 14:21:08 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

This is going to sound horrible, but it's my honest gut reaction.
I think not getting remarried "for the kids" is as AWish and martyr parenting as staying together "for the kids." Yes you have to sacrafice for your kids but being a great parent IMO doesn't come at the expense of giving up your life goals, desires, dreams and needs either.

The problems that come with remarriage and families not getting a long has more to do with how the situation is handled rather than the situation itself. If one parent is trash talking the other it's not going to be positive for example. If Dad remarries, moves away, forgets about his kids, it's obviously not going to be good and there's more underlying issues than just getting remarried.

I see kids in these situations everyday. Some are much better off with single parents, others are doing great with remarried parents. Still others struggle parents who stay together but shouldn't. The common demominator amongst these situations is whether or not the parents took responsibility for their actions, included their kids and acted like a mature adult.

It's all really hard at the end of the day no matter what.

Before this all blows up in my face, this is just my call it as I see it observation and my personal opinion. Most family backstories are a mile long and really situation dependent. I'm just looking at it from a "what I would do" perspective.

It doesn't sound horrible at all.  ITA.  A parent should not have to sacrifice their most basic needs for the sake of the kids.  Sure, any good parent will make some sacrifices for their kids, but I just don't feel that something as basic a desire to have a mate in one's life should be tossed aside just because you have kids from a previous relationship.  Like pp said, there are a lot of great adoptive and stepdad guys out there who would love their wife's kids like they were his own.  I think finding a guy like that is key when deciding to remarry. 

[auntie]

Sounds like a woman who doesn't want to be married.

My MIL was widowed at 39 and never remarried. I think she liked being independent of someone telling her what to do. She rewrote history around no man measuring up, but frankly I don't think she was interested.

One of my friends put off marrying while her kids were young. She's been dating the same guy for 26 years. She's a college professor and has a pretty good gig.

My BFF waited until her DD went to college to remarry.

[tarheels]

Jan 25, 2013 14:21:08 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

This is going to sound horrible, but it's my honest gut reaction.
I think not getting remarried "for the kids" is as AWish and martyr parenting as staying together "for the kids." Yes you have to sacrafice for your kids but being a great parent IMO doesn't come at the expense of giving up your life goals, desires, dreams and needs either.

The problems that come with remarriage and families not getting a long has more to do with how the situation is handled rather than the situation itself. If one parent is trash talking the other it's not going to be positive for example. If Dad remarries, moves away, forgets about his kids, it's obviously not going to be good and there's more underlying issues than just getting remarried.

I see kids in these situations everyday. Some are much better off with single parents, others are doing great with remarried parents. Still others struggle parents who stay together but shouldn't. The common demominator amongst these situations is whether or not the parents took responsibility for their actions, included their kids and acted like a mature adult.

It's all really hard at the end of the day no matter what.

Before this all blows up in my face, this is just my call it as I see it observation and my personal opinion. Most family backstories are a mile long and really situation dependent. I'm just looking at it from a "what I would do" perspective.

Dairy's right, as usual.  I especially agree with what I bolded. 

My dad died when I was 4, and my mom never remarried, not because of any drama, but because, while she dated a couple very nice men, of whom I have nice memories, she just didn't love them enough to say "I do."  She said she really struggled because one of them was the greatest guy ever and he really wanted to be a dad to me, but she knew she wasn't as committed to the relationship as he was, so marrying him just to give me a dad wouldn't have been the right thing to do.  Neither would not marrying just for me have been the right answer. 

[emoflamingo]

I'd be happy if my dad remarried (my parents divorced shortly before my mom passed) if it made him happy.

But, as per usual, Dairy said it better than I could. I don't know what I'd do but I might.

[lys]

Divorce is much harder on kids than many realize.
When you have kids, you cannot think only about yourself and your own happiness. Many a child has suffered because of a happiness choice on the part of a parent.

I would not and did not date anyone who had a child from a previous relationship. I knew it was not a path that I wanted to walk nor deal with at that stage in my life. If something happened to my DH at this point, I would not rule someone out because of children, but I certainly would be looking at the situation with open eyes . I would probably wait until kids were out of the house before marrying again.