How do you balance ILs?

[hannamaren]

My H and I have a good relationship with both sets of parents. We respect their opinions and seek guidance and opinions especially on large decisions. 
We are looking for a house, so we often send pictures or inspection reports of houses for them to look at in case they see something we dont see.  

But now, it is biting me in the butt. MIL is trying to convince us that spending another $100-200k on a house will open up our options (obviously) and that we are limiting our choices, yada yada. We dont need her approval but it gets annoying.  I know I need to ignore and smile and nod but it is still annoying. 

It is a little bit of "nothing is good enough for you" and a little bit of "money grows on trees, right?" attitude. 

I know everyone is going to say you cant have it both ways - involved and not involved. 

You are right. I am venting. 

[callie]

Have you actually told her you're not looking to spend more than x amount?

[whitemerlot]

I have no idea. My in-laws are over-involved. We had a big blow out with them at one point because they were overstepping their roles, but it's still hard. We see them weekly and respect some of their opinions. I like to vent about them , too.

[hannamaren]

This is the house we like today.
www.homefinder.ca/listings/623445-13-fielding-ave-toronto-ontario-e2543376

[whitemerlot]

Looks nice! I love my main floor family room. It's awesome for kids.

I would totally ignore your inlaws advice and only take tell them about houses you are serious about making an offer on. That's what we did. They had some good perspective and we ignore the advice we don't like.

[mie]

I let my H deal with his family and I deal with mine.

[vanillacourage]

Stop sharing so much. You let people in that much, and they feel entitled to give you their opinion, because you've trained them that you want their feedback.

But take my advice with a grain of salt, we're close with both sides but neither knew we bought a house (either of the two times) until our offer was accepted. Sort of like not sharing a baby's name until it's born.

[chessie]

Biggest issue is how much your sharing. Why are you sharing this much? I keep it on a need to know basis and thats it. My parents probably know more then my IL's--but that is because I won't get slapped with the information. Do what is right for you and your H only, sure take into account their advice, but thats all it is advice..and from my IL's its normally shitty advice.

[flatlan]

I don't have advice on the IL's but really like the house!

[orangeblossom]

Don't share as much. For my FIL and SMIL we could share more and they would not be overly involved or feel the need to give input. We just don't. We tell MIL things on a need to know basis. It's better that way. We talk to my family more about next steps and some life changes. Sometimes DH will even ask have I told them XYZ (within reason of course).

You really do have to gauge who and what you can tell people, and realize it's okay to make big decisions without them. You see now that they're too involved in the process, so from this point forward you have to choose what, if anything you want to tell them based on how they're acting.

[Deleted]

I know what it's like to want to share a lot with family and to respect their opinions most of the time. My solution in a situation like this would be to explain that I know we could do better and that more money would give us a bigger house, but that's not what we want. We want to commit this much to a home, then have more money to do other things like vacation with our children, fund their college, etc. Aim the highlights towards things they value so they are more likely to listen. Follow it up with, this is how much house we want. We don't want more than this. This is what will make us happy.

[rachelgreen]

Jan 25, 2013 20:57:04 GMT -5 @chronoptomist said:

I know what it's like to want to share a lot with family and to respect their opinions most of the time. My solution in a situation like this would be to explain that I know we could do better and that more money would give us a bigger house, but that's not what we want. We want to commit this much to a home, then have more money to do other things like vacation with our children, fund their college, etc. Aim the highlights towards things they value so they are more likely to listen. Follow it up with, this is how much house we want. We don't want more than this. This is what will make us happy.

I really like this response.

I totally understand where you are coming from with the over sharing. DH and I are fairly attached to his parents and 99% of the time it doesn't bother me. We make our own decisions but we value their input on the big things in life. They don't overstep their roles but sometimes I wonder, "why did I even say anything?" I know this doesn't really give you any advice but I guess maybe a little in one ear, out the other is in order...at least until you purchase the house Oh and what chronoptomist said ^

[drloretta]

1. Stop sharing as much. This was your opportunity to learn that. Now you can scale back your discussions

2. Sharing that much, to me, makes it easy for them to still think of you as their little babies instead of grownups who can make your own decisions. Sometimes they need to get virtually smacked in the face that you are no longer 12.

3. At this point, I'd go with the option of telling them you don't want to be house poor. Much like chronoptomist said, while you could get a more $$$ house, then all your $ would be tied up in said house, and you'd rather have some breathing room if one of you lost a job, etc.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I actually don't see your main problem as sharing too much. DH and I bought a house over the summer, and we absolutely sent links/pictures of the houses we looked at to our parents. We also had my in laws visit a couple houses with us. They have bought and sold over 20 houses over the course of their marriage (they moved a lot plus used to own rental properties), and we respected their opinion.

But, we were totally willing to ignore their advice if we wanted to. My MIL actually really hated the neighborhood where we bought our house. She's come around now, but at first she encouraged us not to look here. We ignored her, and we're really happy with our house and neighborhood.

So I would just be up front with them about how it's YOUR decision, not theirs. As far as your MIL insisting you should spend more money, just tell her that you're looking within your budget and will not go up that much. Well, I'd probably tell my parents if they really wanted us to look at more expensive houses, they were welcome to give us the extra $200,000 :-)

[momof2boys]

Say "Thanks so much for the gift of 100,000.00, you are right, that will really help us out!  

[ECB]

Start smiling and saying "Thanks for your suggestion!" and then move on. I don't know that I'd really suggest "explaining" to her why you aren't oging to go w/ her advice. You already overshare, you don't need to also over explain. That just keeps telling her "your opinion matters!!".

And I'd start analyzing why you both feel you need to run big decisions by your parents. To a point, I do understand wanting to get another perspective. But at the same time- other than their being your "parents", is there a specific reason why you feel you should go to them? Do they have some expertise w/ houses/ big purchases?

I'm not saying "never get their opinions", but I would suggest pulling back to some degree. You don't have to involve them EVERY step of the way, and yo ualso don't have to include all parents every time either.

[hannamaren]

Jan 26, 2013 5:59:23 GMT -5 momof2boys said:

Say "Thanks so much for the gift of 100,000.00, you are right, that will really help us out!  

She is insisting on lending us $100k. But we have no interest in that at all. 

[changedname]

I had the same issue when we were getting married to the point where I learned to just not say anything to my ILs about anything (or just surface stuff so that they feel like they are getting info but aren't really). MIL gave us $$ for our wedding and would have given us some for our house too but I would rather no $$ and not have her opinion all the time. My theory is, if someone is giving you money then they do kind of feel entitled to have an opinion, give the ok etc. There is no such thing as a free lunch, haha.

We went to the extreme when we sold/bought our house and did it all without telling anyone - just announced it at a family dinner that we had bought a place. MIL was not happy about not being involved at looking at places but it saved a lot of stress.

[Deleted]

We had the same issues with my parents when we were buying a house. So I quit talking to them about it. Then they were hurt that we bought without talking to them. It's tough.

[Deleted]

Well of course if you spend more you get more, double your budget and you'll have an AWESOME house

I like chrono's answer. The other option, when the talk turns to money - stop it "We are showing you this because we value your knowledge of construction and can read the report with a different perspective to help us determine what findings are minor and which ones are concerning. We're not here to discuss money/budget" Repeat every time she starts to talk money, that's not what you asked, it's not open for discussion.

[Deleted]

We didn't involve our parents in our house hunting. Or much, really. We tell them what we're doing, but both of our parents let go a long time ago and were happy to let us be independent adults they don't have to worry about. They wouldn't dream of telling us what to spend on a house.

Unless someone is a construction expert, they don't really know anything you don't know.

I guess I've just been on my own a long time - I left home happily at 17, and I didn't even ask my parents which apartment to rent then.

[hannamaren]

Jan 26, 2013 11:44:34 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

We didn't involve our parents in our house hunting. Or much, really. We tell them what we're doing, but both of our parents let go a long time ago and were happy to let us be independent adults they don't have to worry about. They wouldn't dream of telling us what to spend on a house.

Unless someone is a construction expert, they don't really know anything you don't know.

I guess I've just been on my own a long time - I left home happily at 17, and I didn't even ask my parents which apartment to rent then.

Good point. We have never seeked counsel on an apt. But homes are more permanent. 

[Deleted]

I like that house!