I could have written Brit's post except that H won't eat the food I make (or will eat a small portion and then go get some junk food), and he works when he gets home, meaning he regularly puts in 15-hour days. All of his work involves sitting in front of a computer.
He has to decide to make a change. I can't force him and I never comment on the situation, except when he jokes about dying early, at which point I tell him that I will dig him up and kill him again for abandoning us early. Laughter and knowing looks are exchanged.
Is it frustrating as hell? Yes. But it is what it is. All I can do is tell him I will support his efforts to be healthier, and do my best to keep the kids and myself healthy.
Look, if I were your husband, I would not want to go for a walk with you or exercise with you because of the things you have said to him in the past. I would think from his perspective that you have a history of calling him ugly names and criticizing his weight/lifestyle because it's not what you choose for yourself. I have to wonder as well why you attracted a man like this as you've said he has never been this way since you've known him (hope I am remembering that right). So now you want him to be something he is not?
Not to be harsh, but the fact is that you have built a history of being judgmental with him. That doesn't just go away in his mind because you've decided to stop calling him fat. I would apologize profusely about the things you have said and talk to him about how it made him feel. I would feel depressed if I knew my partner thought I was overweight and was not attracted to me. That may be exactly why he doesn't want to help himself.
I think you are getting so much grief because if any of us posted on here that they had gained weight and their husband called them fat and lazy, there would be a huge shitstorm. If you want him to be healthier, you just need to lead by example and be supportive of him without shaming him or making him feel badly about himself. I am sure he already feels bad enough. My husband doesn't work out, but spends the majority of his job on his feet walking and isn't overweight at all so its not an issue. He used to be a runner, but quite about 15 years ago because of the toll it was taking on his knees. He will do active pursuits with me though, like hikes, cross country skiing, etc.
You've gotten some great suggestions. I agree with everyone else that it is not going to happen unless your H wants it to happen. I would second the suggestion of making your H talk to his doctor. Sometimes men just need to hear this kind of stuff from a third party. Next time he makes a comment about wanting to lose weight. Tell him you're there to support him in whatever he wants to do and encourage him to talk to his doctor.
Post by shakeitout on Jan 31, 2013 12:17:23 GMT -5
I don't have much to add that hasn't been said already. I just wanted to emphasize the suggestion of getting him to his doctor. I was overweight and didn't care at all until I had my blood drawn and found out that I was pre-diabetic with high cholesterol, etc. That scared the shit out of me and got my ass moving. But until that point, no one was going to be able to convince me that I needed to clean up my act.
Thanks ladies, I wasn't going to add anything because didn't want to bump this any more. I basically have been in a coma-like state realizing what an ass I have been. But do realize, I get it. I know that I said awful things- and I only posted because I knew they were awful and not doing any good- and wanted a better way to deal with it.
He has been to the doc, he is pre-diabetic, he doesn't care. And to anwser another question, he was quite active when we met. brit, I think you asked about his work- 9-5 with 2 hour lunches many days. We've had the depression convo, nicely (yes, I know you all think I am a terrible human now) and he assures me he's fine.
He just prefers to eat what he prefers to eat. End of story.
I don't think you're a terrible human - at all. I think you're just human. You have emotions too, and you acted on them without thinking when you said those things to him. Realizing this and understanding that you can't do that makes you a better person. Were you wrong? Sure. But you love your husband so much that it frustrates you that he treats his body that way. It makes you feel like he doesn't care about your future together.
Unfortunately, it just sounds like he's stuck in his ways and does not care about the path he's on. Hopefully something will jar him into seeing the light so to speak. Best thing you can do is continue to encourage him and support him and love him, and hope he changes his mind.
Post by breezy8407 on Jan 31, 2013 14:34:17 GMT -5
I agree with sessalee. I hope he wants to take charge of his health soon, but in the meantime just be supportive.
This made me think of what my dad said when he quit smoking. I barely remember him smoking and don't have any memory of actually seeing him smoke, but I knew he did. Right around the time I learned to write, so I dunno, 6-7 years old? I would leave notes on his pillow saying "please quit smoking daddy it's bad" and super heart wrenching stuff like that. He said that no amount of notes or me asking could get him to quit, even though he wanted to for me and his family. He always said he had to do it for himself. One day he just decided to quit for himself, and that was it.