s/o husbands who don't work out

[tuggyruns]

So I have been trying to convince my DH to work out for the past I dunno 4 years we've been married, and well I guess I realized today, he's just not going to do it, EVER. Problem is, he's gained about 40lbs since we've been married and now has high cholersterol and blood pressure and just doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. Health issues aside, I'm really grossed out. I really don't know how to deal with this, I just get catty and tell him he's lazy, I try not to let (fat) slip out, but it happens. I know I'm a bad person and I feel (fat) too, but I feel like damnit atleast I'm doing something about it.

I know I am being terrible, but how do you active ladies deal with a, ehm, not so active DH.

[Susie]

I try to frame working out in terms of how it will help him achieve goals/do things that he actually wants to do. For him it's ability to do backpacking trips that he used to be able to do, no sweat, but now he struggles with the pack weight and the mileage. That kind of goal is too vague for me, but it's the best route I've found so far.

[IIOY]

What is his reaction to you when you criticize him?

[Deleted]

Shit, if I'm your husband, I'm gaining weight on principle.

[PinkSquirrel]

You call him fat and lazy to his face and you're wondering why he's not super motivated? I don't think this one is rocket science. Stop treating your H like shit

[kams]

I was sort of on the other side of the coin for awhile.

My DH is very fit, and his career is in college athletics. When we first got married we were moving state to state very frequently, and making peanuts for salaries. I gained weight, even though I sort of piddled around the gym a few days a week.

Then, after having my DD, I struggled with mild PPD and gained weight again.

If my DH ever made a comment in those times about me being lazy or fat, I think it would have been a very serious wedge in our marriage. I'm so thankful to him for being kind and supportive of me at every size, and now for the first time, I'm more fit (or at least spend more time working out) than he is. And now, I love that I can impress him and enjoy intimacy even more.

IDK, I'm rambling, but I would encourage you to be really careful with some of those hurtful words. Those things would have absolutely crushed me.

[Susie]

Also, kams is wise.

I had different factors going on for a while (two bar exams, then adjusting to life as a billable hour associate) but I gained some weight and let my fitness slide in the first few years after we got married. I attribute it to a high stress/sedentary lifestyle, and I'm grateful it was me, not him, who was critical of the results and demanded change and a shift in priorities.

[tuggyruns]

I should prob say that I will DD this later and that I understand that these things are hurtful.

I think I say these things (mind you have said them once or twice EVER) I guess I THINK them more than I SAY them, out of fear. I am scared that at 28, he has high blood pressure and cholesterol and doesn't care AT ALL. I have tried all the positive motivation in the world and it doesn't seem to do anything...

[D2M]

Yikes. I really want to give you the benefit of the doubt but calling your partner fat is not constructive feedback. It's hurtful. Quit it immediately.

Your husband will need to decide to work out/eat healthily on his own terms. As a former overweight couch potato, I can tell you that no amount of other people telling me to get healthy ever convinced me to get my butt moving. I did it on my own time.

My husband was a good motivator for me, however. He started getting in shape long before I did and seeing how great he looked and felt encouraged me to get moving. Also, we enjoyed cooking healthy meals together and stopped bringing junk into our home.

[tuggyruns]

I realize it's bad. I guess that's why I am writing this. Because I know that nothing I have done/said/am doing is good/positive/helpful.

I realized today that I can't change him, that any decision he makes has to be on his terms, I just get so frustrated with his complaints about everything and not doing anything about it.

Your stories further solidifys the fact that I need to shut my judgy mouth and be a positive example.- Thank you

[definitelyO]

lurker posting here. not sure how your evening routine is at home - but do you cook/eat healthy meals? are there a lot of snacks in the house? who is in charge of shopping and cooking. if it's you - then start cooking healthy low cal meals. start a meatless night or 2 a week. no more chips and cookies and sodas in the house. that's a small start that may help and you don't have to make a proclaimation to do it - just start changing the way you cook.

instead of him getting to the gym can you ask him to go for a walk with you after dinner? or on the weekends? "hey honey, it's a beautiful day out will you walk to the park with me?"

it doesn't all have to be about working out - it can be smaller things first.

[Wines Not Whines]

Can you take the lead by preparing healthy meals and making sure you have healthy snacks around? He can't eat junk if it's not in the house. Also start packing his lunch if you can.

You can't make him exercise, but you may get farther on the diet front.

Also, can you invite him to work out with you? Start small, like walks, if he's not in shape to go out for a run.

ETA: I see the previous poster and I have similar ideas!

[tuggyruns]

I love these ideas..and I've tried them all. I cook healthy but he eats out every other meal. If we don't have junk food at the house, he will go buy it. He will occationally agree to a walk, but finds an excuse to turn around after 1 block.

I have invited him to work out with me a million times, and have sacraficed my work out to help him and he usually ditches me and find him on the sitting bike (don't know the real name) so he can watch TV , or on the sofas in the lobby reading magazines.

[kams]

Jan 30, 2013 17:48:07 GMT -5 tuggyruns said:

I love these ideas..and I've tried them all. I cook healthy but he eats out every other meal. If we don't have junk food at the house, he will go buy it. He will occationally agree to a walk, but finds an excuse to turn around after 1 block.

I have invited him to work out with me a million times, and have sacraficed my work out to help him and he usually ditches me and find him on the sitting bike (don't know the real name) so he can watch TV , or on the sofas in the lobby reading magazines.

Is it possible there is more going on? I only say that because I think depression was the challenge for me. I'm certainly not trying to diagnose him or anything, but it may be a possibility. Maybe he's really stressed? Possibly grieving something? Maybe taking some steps to a healthy, happy mentality would jump start the physical, too.

i do think its important to be okay with the fact that not everyone wants to be super active. We all work out & train hard, and then spend free time on the Internet talking about it. Not everyone is like "us" & that's just fine. But, if his health is measurably declining, then there may be something else inhibiting him from wanting to make any changes.

[tuggyruns]

kams I have thought about this (something more going on). I don't know. I am okay with him not being super active, which is why I asked how you ladies deal with it. I worry about his health, but he's a grown man and I can't force him to do anything.

[ckinla]

It's okay to be worried about his health and want to work out and lose the weight in that respect. It's NOT okay to criticize him and call him fat. That makes me SICK.

My BF at his highest weight, was about 80 pounds more than when we first met. He's since lost 60 of it - because he wanted to. I can't force him to do anything. Was I concerned for his health? Yes. Less attracted to him and DISGUSTED by him? No.

I'm appalled.

[SallyJ]

My DH and I think about things in terms of a partnership and common goals. We had worked out together before and really enjoyed keeping each other accountable and then we both lapsed with school, work, kids, life. I was ready to get back to it before he was, but here is how I approached him (more of a 'I need your help to meet my goals or our goals'):

-I have really loved working out with you in the past. You help me stay motivated and focused and your competitive spirit rubs off on me. I'm ready to get back to working out - where are you at?

-I need your help with changing my eating habits. I would like to reduce the carbs I'm eating by just having 2 veggies and protein at dinner. Since you help cook, if I buy the right stuff and help with recipes can you help me make the change in our dinner meals?

-I'm spending a lot of money on unhealthy lunches. Can you help keep me accountable by agreeing to a budget for lunches as well as making extra food at dinner so I have leftovers?

-I need a bet between us to stay motivated to meet my goal. Have you set any fitness goals yet so I can bet you something that I'll hit my goal first?

-We've talked about traveling together and we enjoy staying fit together, what about combining the two? What if we chose a 5K, or tough mudder type of event and trained together before our next vacation?

-I really want to set an example for the kids on how to eat healthy and exercise, but I need your help. Do you have any ideas on what activities we can do together as a family?

[Deleted]

Fact is - he has to decide for himself. H and I got to that point at different times. Best thing you can do is encourage, but don't push. Maybe find something he loves and encourage him to do that? MMA gyms are opening up all over and a lot of guys love that - it's a ton of fun and ass-kicking. Or an intermural basketball league, if he prefers team sports.

[bluelikejazz]

I've said this before, but DH didn't really have any interest in working out until his Grandma called him fat. Now he loves to lift weights and goes 3-4 times a week.

[Deleted]

My dad is like this. He knows he is overweight but he has no desire to do anything about it. He thinks doing things around the house is exercise but he only does stuff like that on the weekends. I'm sure it doesn't help that my mom makes weight comments or that my dad is an exceptionally picky eater but I digress. Since nothing anybody else was doing was working, I asked my parents to do a 5k with me for my birthday present. He did it. He would never have done it on his own but at least he tried it. It still wasn't his thing and he got pneumonia soon after so that was that but maybe asking your husband to join you in a fun race for your birthday or something will be enough to get things rolling for him. Maybe it will work out better for you than me. Maybe a mudrun. Something that guys like.

But he needs to know you want him to do this because you want to have fun with him.

[mrs.jacinthe]

So you said he complains about ... his size? His health?

R used to do the same thing and, like you, I'd said some not-so-great things to him (admittedly, we are very blunt people and take offense at very little). I'd even tried sitting him down and having the "I'm really concerned about you - I don't want to be a young widow" conversation (not in those words.)

You know what worked? When he'd start complaining about his weight or his size or whatever, instead of agreeing or piling on, I'd just say "ok. What are your goals and how can I help?" Ad infinitum. Apparently at some point he decided on his own to do something ... because in the last year ALONE, he has lost 100+ pounds. My lesson learned was that I can't FORCE him to do anything, but I can be supportive and enthusiastic as regards his goals.

[DefenseAgainstTheDarkArts22]

I had a huge fight with depression where I gained 60 lbs between when H and I met and when we got married. If he had said anything to me at all about me being fat or lazy I would have crazy shitty feelings towards him. It really wouldn't have mattered if it was once or twice because I would still remember it and replay it in my head.

I started running a year and a half ago and loved it. Half marathon later I realized it was because I was able to be proud of myself for something I did. I don't think there is a way to push him into exercising but you may be able to help him with the diet side.

[tuggyruns]

I appreciate the constructive criticism and feedback. I understand that I said somethings that weren't nice or helpful. Do not I love my H any less. never- and I never said that.

I asked for feedback because I wanted a better way to handle it and I appreciate those who gave that instead of criticism. I wasn't asking for ways to force him to eat better or exercise or run marathons with me. I was simply asking how other ladies in similar situations deal with this. I understand that many people on this board have had weight loss struggles (myself included!) and that people making comments doesn't make anybody feel good- I didn't mean to offend any one with my honesty.

Any one who would further like to flame me, go ahead, but do so with haste before I DD to protect the innocent (DH).

[osulori]

Ditto Sessalee-he has to decide to get healthier on his own. You can prepare the healthy meals and invite him to join you in workouts all you want, but if he's not 100% on board he won't follow through. J got in really good eating habits on his own about 7 years ago but recently has fallen back into old (bad) eating habits, but has made comments to me that he needs to quit eating fast food and meals at the restaurant he works at so often. That plus the comment he made last night that "if my almost 16 weeks pg wife can drag her ass out of the house for a workout, I can start going to the gym again FFS" lead me to believe that he's heading towards being ready to make a change or three but I can't force him.

No flames here though-you seem to understand that the comments you've made in the past are hurtful and can't happen anymore.

[D2M]

Why does he eat out every other meal? Is it beyond his control (work related) or can he scale it back? Restaurant meals, as we all know, are usually way less healthy than what we can make at home. If he can curtail his restaurant frequency, I bet that would put a at least a bit of a dent into the problem.

[midnightrae]

When was the last time he went to see his primary care doctor? Maybe he can talk to his doctor about what he can do to lower his blood pressure, etc. and if he hears it from his doctor, he might do more about losing weight. Calling him fat and lazy isn't going to help. Also, if there is any kind of depression going on, if he goes to see his doctor- his doctor can help him or recommend someone to him.

[Deleted]

Is it possible he feels intimidated by you? Maybe he's afraid he will never be as successful with working out as you are so he just doesn't try.

Honestly, I feel intimidated by my husband's gusto for working out and I workout more than most people.

[Wines Not Whines]

You said you wonder what other people do. My H isn't overweight, but left to his own devices, he would eat junk and never exercise. I get him to eat healthier by preparing healthy meals, or if he's cooking, he knows I care about eating healthy meals, so he tries to cook healthy for me. He still buys cookies and ice cream and leaves them in the basement so I'm not tempted by them. I can't do anything about that, but he generally eats them in moderation, so I don't worry about that.

As for exercise, my H loves races, but he won't work out except to train for a race. And his training is fairly lax. He's one of those people who can go out and run 5 miles like it's nothing, even if he hasn't run a mile in 6 months. Lucky bastard. I think he'd actually be a great runner if he trained properly, but I digress. So I encourage him to do a few races each year. He also likes outdoorsy things, like hiking. I can't imagine him joining a gym and spending an hour there every day, so I don't even try to get him to do that. I think he mostly got into running because I was doing it, so he wanted to see why I liked it so much.

[cutee]

Sorry that you are getting a lot of grief for this one, it's a really frustrating thing and I don't blame you for getting frustrated with him. That said, being anything but supportive probably won't help matters! And I know that everyone says that he has to do this for himself, and that is largely true, but if you have tried most of the other suggestions on here, you may just want to take matters into your own hands and make a doctor appointment for him.

I've been trying to get my husband to lose weight since we had our first child, who is now almost 5. Like you, I am genuinely concerned about his health (particularly since we have kids) but I'm also frustrated because this was getting ridiculous. My feeling was, most people can't eat whatever they want, remain totally sedentary, and stay healthy. It's not rocket science so he just needs to be an adult and look after his health. Of course, none of this really got me anywhere with him.

Finally, after years of nagging, etc...I got a referral from our internist for a weight loss doctor, and made an appointment for him. I told him he could either go to this doctor or we could see a marriage counselor to discuss why we couldn't get past this issue. No surprise, he chose the doctor appointment! He's now on a program and is losing weight! It may not work for everyone (and I realize he still has a long way to go) but I am incredibly proud of him for finally doing this, and it has been a really good thing for our whole family.
Good luck!

[Brit]

I don't think there is much to add at this point. My H is headed down the same path and doesn't care one bit. When we met, he was super active and ate super healthy and looked really good. He doesn't do those things anymore. I do what I can to minimize the impact of his choices. I pack breakfast and lunch for him every day and make dinner every night - that covers 20/21 meals - he picks one dinner each week - almost always greasy meat lover's pizza. My H will do certain activities like rock climbing, hiking, and mountain biking, but only on the weekends.

ETA: Like your H, in spite of my efforts to provide healthy food in appropriate portions, my H either buys his own junk or turns my "healthy" food into junk - see my cream cheese, honey, and peanut butter post from a few weeks ago.

My H's #1 barrier/excuse is his job. He typically spends 12 hours/day at work. With commute, he is gone about 13 hours. I had a job like that once too, so I totally get feeling too exhausted to work out (although I did it anyway). Does your H have anything like that going on?

Re: Fat comments, my H makes them about himself almost daily. I never outright agree because I don't want to be hurtful. I'm sure your H knows without you saying anything.