Jessimau!

[wrathofkuus]

How are, you know, things? For a while you were having some trouble.

[imoan]

I love jessimau! That's all I came into this post to say!

[Deleted]

I hope they are going okay too, I am a big fan of jess!

[partiallysunny]

Me too! Hope everything is going great.

[maucat]

Aww, thanks everyone!!

I hadn't talked about it because things were kind of stalled, no progress. We're in therapy now and it seems to be helping so far. We're a long way from where I want us to be, but we're moving in the right direction.

I didn't tell anyone, but we've been living separately. Still seeing each other often, talking daily, etc. No end date for the separation yet (it started before we got into therapy), which is one of the hardest things for me, but I think it's been good in a strange way. He's clearly making more of an effort and the positive changes we're both making are making our interactions a lot better.

ETA: By the separation being good, I mean that we have both become more independent and he's seeing that life without me around is just as hard, so he is changing his overall effort, which includes not playing video games as much, getting to sleep at a reasonable hour, and putting in more effort at work. He's been present for as much as he can with Scotty, but can finally admit when things are getting too emotionally overwhelming instead of just withdrawing.

[Muddled]

I'm sorry to hear that, Jess. I am glad he seems to be growing and I hope that you are, too.

I imagine it feels like you are in some kind of limbo, which I would find difficult. Be patient and you will figure things out. I know you will do what is best for you.

[motzie]

I like this update. I assumed you weren't talking about it because nothing a
had changed. Not that you owe us updates, but that was my guess.

How are you doing with all of this?

[Deleted]

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders jess. Although your update sounds like you are going through a difficult situation, like motzie, I'm glad you're taking these steps.

[maucat]

I'm doing okay with it, actually. I'm growing too, and seeing how I contributed to things, but not excusing his behavior, just understanding it differently. I think we're getting to know one another better through this. He didn't understand worry/anxiety as separate from me. He just knew that I have an anxiety disorder, so I'm anxious. Therapy is helping him to see when I'm reacting from that anxiety (and reminding me to work with my individual therapist on controlling it).

I hate that we live apart, but I've started making changes to the apartment that are things I want. It's nice tho not have to compromise on that.

Most importantly, he didn't just dip out of my life. He's here, and making an effort, and going to therapy every week with me. He's starting to do little things that he knows mean a lot to me, which is encouraging. Now it's trusting the process of therapy and being open to moving to a new apartment if/when we move back in together.

[bullygirl979]

I didn't know there were issues but just wanted to give you some hugs! I know it is hard but it sounds like you are doing the right things!

[margarita]

Good for you, Jessimau. It sounds like you guys know what you're doing, and the fact that you're both taking the time to work on things can only be a positive step, either way. I wish you the best.

[starrieskies]

Oh, jess! I had no idea you were going through all of this! I'm so sorry!

It does sound like you are both growing and doing everything you can, and I commend you for that. I hope that no matter what happens you are happy because you deserve it!

[partiallysunny]

I'm sorry you're going through this, jess.

[fussbucket]

You're a strong woman, Jess. That's what I've got for ya.

[maucat]

Thank you ladies. I love you all and appreciate the support.

I've decided that no matter what, 2013 will be a better year than 2012, which was a big old crap sandwich. So I say, and so it shall be!

[gault]

:Y :Y: :Y: (hug) (hug2)

You're good people. I'm glad the hard road is paying off.

[starrieskies]

Feb 1, 2013 14:43:34 GMT -5 maucat said:

Thank you ladies. I love you all and appreciate the support.

I've decided that no matter what, 2013 will be a better year than 2012, which was a big old crap sandwich. So I say, and so it shall be!

I'll Drink To That!

[Deleted]

Im glad to see you and glad that things are going as you want them to.

May I ask how long you plan on keeping this living arrangement? what is the expectation before it goes one way or the other?

[maucat]

Mags, I'm not sure how long we'll keep this living arrangement. For me, what's helping guide my decision is making progress in therapy. At some point we'll need to talk again about a time frame, which I want to do in therapy, but at this point all I can say for sure is that I'm not okay with us still living separately by the time the holidays roll around. Now that we're in therapy, I think the progress will be faster, but I don't want to rush or pressure either of us. I'm patient to a fault.

I'm not going to let this stop me from living my life, meaning I'm going to find a way to go on vacation this year, probably without him. In fact, I plan to come to NJ and MA this year, so I may try to convince you all to have a GTG while I'm there.

[wrathofkuus]

I am glad you two are addressing this full-bore, no half-assing anything.

[maucat]

Thanks kuus.

I know that the way I'm handling this may not be how everyone would react, and that by sharing I'm opening myself up to judgment, but I know I'm doing what I need. Even if this marriage ends, I will have grown as a person and will be better equipped to be a.good partner in the future.

[wrathofkuus]

No, it seems like a reasonable course of action to me.

[Deleted]

I'm glad to hear about the update. It sounds like you're moving in a healthy direction. Are you happy? I wondered how things were going, but I've been MIA so much, I thought I missed the boat.

[Deleted]

Feb 1, 2013 16:25:46 GMT -5 maucat said:

I'm not going to let this stop me from living my life, meaning I'm going to find a way to go on vacation this year, probably without him. In fact, I plan to come to NJ and MA this year, so I may try to convince you all to have a GTG while I'm there.

Let me know when you're in MA. I don't frequently visit home, but it would be cool if I was there at the same time!

[maucat]

Feb 1, 2013 22:03:01 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

No, it seems like a reasonable course of action to me.

Thank you. Hearing that from you means a lot

[maucat]

Feb 2, 2013 11:21:58 GMT -5 @kande818 said:

I'm glad to hear about the update. It sounds like you're moving in a healthy direction. Are you happy? I wondered how things were going, but I've been MIA so much, I thought I missed the boat.

kande! It's good to see you on here!

I am happy, for the most part/most days. Like I said before, 2012 was a shit-tastic year, and I'm still dealing with that. But now instead of focusing on how worried I am about my cat, I'm enjoying the time we still have together. I also moved on to a new job which I think had helped immensely. No more toxic coworkers and working lots of unpaid overtime.

One recent mental shift was this: I need to appreciate where MH is and what he is capable of contributing instead of focusing on what more I'm not getting that I want. I'm working on applying this throughout my life now, appreciating the present instead of focusing on the future or the past. That shift does help me feel more contented.