Possibly flameful vent

[LauraMoser]

As you may or may not know, I babysit my cousin's two boys a few days a week. Older one is 3.5 yo, younger one is 6 mo.

I've posted before about the issues that I've had with the older one. I've taken lots of advice and tried lots of different things with him, but none of them are working.

I've talked to cousin about older boy's issues with not using the potty. He started out telling me every time he had to go, but that has dwindled down to him never telling me. So now, he wets his pants all the time and will not use the toilet. His mom suggested a few things, all of which I tried, and continue to try, but none of them are working. Instead, he pees on my furniture and floors. His mom and I have both tried bribing him to use the potty, but with no success. He sometimes will go through 3 or 4 pairs of pants within 20 minutes. Its ridiculous.

On top of the peeing issues, he is not a well behaved kid. He doesn't listen, is constantly ripping toys out of the other kids' hands, and destroys things. He has ripped the doors off of DDs' play kitchen, torn up countless books, and likes to beat on my walls and furniture. He is physically aggressive, and throws a huge fit if a kid even so much as walks by him. He has hit both DDs countless times, as well as my niece and nephew (8 mo and 9 mo).

I've talked to his mom multiple times, but she doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with his behavior. At all.

And I've had issues with her this week too. She drops her kids off at 5am. Yesterday morning, DD1 woke up when I came down from my bedroom at 4:45. I got her settled back into bed by the time cousin got there, but she wasn't fully asleep yet. Cousin saw that she was half awake and decided to ask DD1 to get a toy for the oldest boy. (I do keep toys in the living room to prevent waking DDs up!) This woke DD1 up completely and she never went back to bed, which in turn made her miserable for most of the day. This morning, I closed DD1s bedroom door, hoping that cousin wouldn't pull the same thing. No such luck. She started going toward the door to open it!!! I asked her to please not open the door as DD1 is sleeping. She put her older boy down on the couch and turned around and walked back over to the door!!! I asked her again to not open it, which thankfully she listened that time. She said "Oh, I didn't hear you right." Who in their right mind walks into someone else's house and tried to go into the bedroom of their sleeping child?!

Ugh, I'm fed up. I'm looking for other ways to bring in the little money she pays me for babysitting. I can't keep doing this. I'm pregnant, with HBP already, and don't need the unnecessary stress.

Oh, and he also carries around fuzz, aka poly fil instead of a blanket. (stuffing used in stuffed animals) It gets all over my carpet, which then leads to the babies picking it up. I am constantly taking it from the babies' hands. I'm scared one of them is going to end up choking on it. I take it and set it aside until he leaves when I can, but he is often sticking it in his underwear (and then pees on it!!). Its annoying and a hazard to the babies.

So I'm planning to tell her to start bringing pull-ups. I am also trying to find some other way to replace that income. I've had enough.

Flame away if you want, but my mind is already made up. I plan to give her notice as soon as I find something else.

[definitelyO]

no flames here - I think you've put up with that for way too long!!! no way I could have handled him as long as you have.

the only other potty training suggestion I would have is to set an audible timer and every 30 min he needs to sit on the toilet. and in my house - that boy would be in timeout most of the day for all those behaviors.

[LauraMoser]

Jun 1, 2012 11:30:53 GMT -5 definitelyO said:

no flames here - I think you've put up with that for way too long!!! no way I could have handled him as long as you have.

the only other potty training suggestion I would have is to set an audible timer and every 30 min he needs to sit on the toilet. and in my house - that boy would be in timeout most of the day for all those behaviors.

Oh he is!!

[pugz]

wtf

pull ups immediately

give her notice as soon as possible

[GailGoldie]

Put pull ups on over his underwear. There is no reason to have a kid pissing on your furniture.

[rubytuesday]

Um, yeah, pull ups. Notice. And no more F-ing poly fill. It's a hazard to the LOs.

This sounds like a parenting issue to me. I feel bad for the kid. Is he even getting enough sleep if he's at your place by 5am?

[Deleted]

I'd dump the babysitting, for sure. Childcare needs to work for both parties, and this doesn't work for you. Give her notice, diaper the child, and get him out of your house asap. You can't fix problems if there isn't consistency between home and your house.

[Wines Not Whines]

Yikes. Has the mom taken him to the pedi to rule out a medical issue with the PTing? Like maybe he could have a UTI? Is he PT at home? Definitely go back to pull-ups for now.

I wouldn't want to deal with any of that either.

[bunch]

My only flame is for not ending this sooner. What a horrible situation.

[Deleted]

Not flameful!

[barefootcontessa]

My heart aches for this little boy. The fact that he was telling you he needed go and now he does not tells me that he trying to control one of the few things he can. I imagine he is also not getting adequate sleep. I hope you can find peace from now until his parents make other arrangements. Honestly, it sounds like you dislike the little boy, which is sad. He is still really little.

[jenny1223]

No flames here. I wouldn't be able to put up with all that.

[LauraMoser]

Jun 1, 2012 12:30:53 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

My heart aches for this little boy. The fact that he was telling you he needed go and now he does not tells me that he trying to control one of the few things he can. I imagine he is also not getting adequate sleep. I hope you can find peace from now until his parents make other arrangements. Honestly, it sounds like you dislike the little boy, which is sad. He is still really little.

I can tell you this: his parents split while he was a baby. His mom moves often and has had quite a few relationships since he was born. I would consider his home life to be unstable at best. He is spoiled, add I have watched the baby get left crying because the older one is throwing a tantrum. Mom drops everything for older boy. I have tried and still try to like him, but its hard to do so sometimes. I really do believe his behavior is directly related to his unstable home life. Aside from talking to cousin though, and trying to work with him while he's here, I have no idea how to help him.I have reached my breaking point.his behavior is starting to rub off on my kids, and I have to think of my kids first, you know?

[vanillacourage]

He literally carries around handfuls of poly-fill all day? Does his mom grab more out of a Hobby Lobby bag each morning? WTF?

I would sit down with the mom one more time and tell her that X, Y and Z have to change in the next couple weeks or else you will have to stop caring for him. He needs to wear Pull-Ups, he can't carry around the poly-fill, and you brainstorm together ways to discipline him that will work, things that haven't been tried in the past. I agree with the others that it sounds like this little boy has issues so I would not be able to just cut him loose without making a last-ditch effort, after impressing upon the mom that things have got to change. This period of warning can serve as her notice if things don't change, so he's out in the same time frame as he would be anyway.

[cjeanette]

You lost me at poly-fill...lol

[LauraMoser]

Yep vanilla, that's exactly what she does! She buys bags of it just for him! She has even asked me for some one day when he forgot it.

There has been issues since the day he was born. Cousin's mom was at one point trying to help his dad get full custody (instead of her own daughter!!!) so yeah, he's been this way all his life so far, with other problems arising as he hits certain developmental stages.

And for those wondering why I've dealt with it so long already, its because she was one of my closest cousins growing up and I felt that I needed to give things a chance to improve before calling it a day.

My mom actually babysat said cousin for a while when we were kids. She has told me that she had a lot of similar issues with her. That leads me to believe its her allowing him to act like this and do these things. According to her comments today, when he is at his dad's house he is the complete opposite. What does that tell you??

[hannamarin]

Can you talk to the Dad to find out how he handles him?
Especially the potty training part?
Otherwise, sorry, you have to let them go.
Can you babysit someone else kids? Maybe advertise at the kindergarten?

[pugz]

yeah I think giving her one more chance is good

-pull ups until he is fully PT

-no more poly fil due to the choking hazard, encourage her to send another comfort object like a stuffed animal.

-consistent discipline plan between home and daycare. Maybe a reward chart?

[chia]

Maybe the kid has some real issues... have they had him evaluated or anything?

[LauraMoser]

Jun 1, 2012 18:30:12 GMT -5 @hannamarin said:

Can you talk to the Dad to find out how he handles him?
Especially the potty training part?
Otherwise, sorry, you have to let them go.
Can you babysit someone else kids? Maybe advertise at the kindergarten?

I really want to talk to the dad, but have no way of contacting him. When the boys are here, its mom's part of the week to have him. I could ask her for his number, but I doubt that would go over well considering all the negative things she says about him. FWIW, in dad's household there are three other children, which leads me to believe that discipline is way different in that house than at mom's.

I am working on putting the word out that I'm looking for another child. I have a good possible lead already from my sister, and I just told her I was looking today.

[LauraMoser]

Jun 1, 2012 20:30:27 GMT -5 chia said:

Maybe the kid has some real issues... have they had him evaluated or anything?

I really think so too. I mentioned to her today to maybe take him to the doctor for his peeing issues, mentioning that maybe there's actually a medical issue there, which she just kind of dismissed. I like to think I know her pretty well, and I get the feeling that she would be dismissive of any suggestion to have him evaluated. Now his dad on the other hand, may be totally for it if he knew the situation. From the sounds of it though, there is a breakdown in communication between mom and dad, so I don't think he knows any of what goes on when he's not at dad's.

[LauraMoser]

Jun 1, 2012 15:22:27 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

You lost me at poly-fill...lol

cj- Seriously, in the midst of my day from hell, you made me laugh. Thanks! I had a mini breakdown today and that laugh really helped pull me through the rest of the day.