Post by simplyinpenguin on Feb 6, 2013 16:03:48 GMT -5
H comes home last night really upset. Apparently, his father told him last night, while casually watching tv, "oh by the way, we put Papa (H's grandfather) in a nursing home last week."
Now, we both knew this day was coming. But the manner and the whole "it's gotta be done immediately" attitude that they did this just makes me seethe. First, they never bothered to tell H that they were doing this. I know H would have wanted to visit him in his home one last time, even help move some of his stuff and get him settled. None of that. Second, they put him in the home and told him that he was going to be staying at a hotel for a little while and then left. Now, we're hearing reports that he's been asking when he's going home, he doesn't want to stay in the hotel anymore. He misses his dog greatly, who is not allowed in the home.
How can they do this to H's grandfather? How can H's father do that to his own father? And he is completely emotionless over the whole thing. He pretty much treats his father as if he's actually deceased, just to shield himself for the actual event. Everyone in the family knew except for H and I. H feels like he can't trust his parents anymore. He really, really wants to say something to his dad about this whole situation and all I could come up with was "well hopefully, when it's your turn, I won't treat you the same way that you treated your father just recently."
Post by speckledfrog on Feb 6, 2013 16:12:36 GMT -5
I think it is exceedingly difficult to have to make these kind of decisions about your parents and that it's easy to judge who should do what better or more appropriately. I'm sorry YH is hurt by his dad's actions.
It's really hard to have parents moving into this stage of life. I'm sure - despite what you may think - this was not an easy decision for his dad to make.
Post by simplyinpenguin on Feb 6, 2013 16:26:23 GMT -5
I did say we were expecting this day to come. I'm just appalled by the way he went about it. Yes, it was most difficult for H's dad, but he lacked tact in this regard, I believe. To not even include his son on this discussion about his grandfather? Yeah, apparently H is "not family".
I think this is a it varies by family situation. When decisions were being made about what to do with my Gran when she started deteriorating from Alzhiemer's we were all informed (not consulted but kept in the loop) of the discussions and what options were being considerd. I would have been upset if they put her in a home without a head's up but that's how my family works we tend to operate as a unit and talk things through.
As for how his grandad is adjusting if at all possible go visit ASAP and try to visit as often as possible or send care packages. Hopefully he should settle in soon.
Post by Captain Serious on Feb 6, 2013 16:36:08 GMT -5
Look, your husband is not the one to make this decision, as he's not the one who has been looking out for his grandfather, taking him to medical appointments, and generally being his main support. It's as simple as that. He has no idea how extreme the situation may have gotten or how quickly something needed to be done to ensure his grandfather was in a more protective environment.
In many cases, by the time seniors are moved to nursing homes, dementia has set in. The fact that your in-laws were able to tell him they were leaving him at a hotel leads me to believe this was the case here. With dementia, people can get moody, nasty, and violent. It's quite possible that your husband's grandfather was beyond your in-law's ability to safely care for him, and that they are heartbroken and don't want to advertise/discuss that fact.
Since it seems you know little of what transpired before the move, I think you'd be wise to show them compassion as they all adjust to the new reality. Remember, your father-in-law is losing his father as he knows him, so in a way, he *has* already suffered a great loss.
Post by karmasabiotch on Feb 6, 2013 16:37:38 GMT -5
I'm sure it was a hard choice for him. Could it be that he just doesn't feel okay or ready to talk about it?
We had to put my Grandma in one and it was the hardest choice in the world. My Mom would have had to go into one too. I would hate to think any family would having been unsupportive of my choice unless they were able to take on the care and saftey of the family member 100%.
If they otherwise had a good relationship, I think your livid response is a bit out of place. They are doing what is in the best interest of everyone, not just the grandfather. People in his life need to take responsibility and not everyone can do it all.
I do feel badly that he can't have his dog with him. That's very hard.
All of this.
I do want to say I understand how hard this is. Can you adopt the dog and take grandpa to see him once a week or so?
Post by simplyinpenguin on Feb 6, 2013 16:50:26 GMT -5
I guess I'm more upset by the fact that H's dad is never around to take care of his father, or his own wife for that matter (she broke her ankle and not once did he fly home to help her out. H had to pull double duty on that between working and taking care of his mom). He lives across the country and come visit every so often. But it was his decision to put his father in the nursing home, over H's grandfather's wife, who was the one taking care of him.
I know something SERIOUS must have happened that may have sped up the process of putting him a home. But I guess I'm all butthurt on H's behalf that he wasn't at least informed....and that he had to wait a week before he found out.
H's dad is putting the pressure on us to visit Papa this weekend but since we just found out about this, it may not be feasible as we both work this weekend. H has leeway as he is self-employed, but not me.
I did say we were expecting this day to come. I'm just appalled by the way he went about it. Yes, it was most difficult for H's dad, but he lacked tact in this regard, I believe. To not even include his son on this discussion about his grandfather? Yeah, apparently H is "not family".
unless you H is contributing financially to his grandfather's care, I don't really see why he should have been consulted on the decision.......?
I don't know if she feels her husband should have had a say or just that he should have been told in a more appropriate manner and given a head's up that the time had come to take this step. They don't get a say but it would've been appropriate to let him know in a more appropriate manner.