Help me phrase this- boss and living arrangement

[Deleted]

poof

[BAMFMrsB]

have you looked in to renting a house?

You said previously that you were coming in to a large sum of $$$. If you had to, (and FWIW, I'd HAVE to) could you stay at the extended stay place while you found a house or apt to rent that allows dogs. I don't think you need to leave your job, but I'd want to be the eff out of that house.

[ECB]

I am so, so, so sorry you're having to deal with this. There aren't enough "hugs" to pass on.

As for this situation, I'd stop explaining anything to them. Just say "I really appreciate the offer, but I've made other arrangements". The more you explain, the more they find holes in your explanation.

[lime]

I think less is more here. "I am grateful for the offer but don't need to take you up on it at this time."

[Deleted]

Is six weeks the latest you will hear back about the transfer?

Don't worry about your coworkers' feelings. Just say no thanks. They really shouldn't be pestering you about it even if their heart is in the right place.

[Susie]

Feb 7, 2013 15:25:48 GMT -5 ECB said:

I am so, so, so sorry you're having to deal with this. There aren't enough "hugs" to pass on.

As for this situation, I'd stop explaining anything to them. Just say "I really appreciate the offer, but I've made other arrangements". The more you explain, the more they find holes in your explanation.

I agree.  The more explanation you give, the more you have to engage.  I think I would feel the same way you do.  I also understand your aversion to going back to the house.  I wish I had a great solution for you   Rentals + dogs are really difficult.

[boston340]

Feb 7, 2013 15:25:48 GMT -5 ECB said:

I am so, so, so sorry you're having to deal with this. There aren't enough "hugs" to pass on.

As for this situation, I'd stop explaining anything to them. Just say "I really appreciate the offer, but I've made other arrangements". The more you explain, the more they find holes in your explanation.

This is exactly what I would say too.  Are there ANY hotels (extended stay types of places) that will take you and the dog?  If so, I would go that route - stay there for 2 weeks and see what pans out with the job transfer.  If you still don't know anything after 2 weeks, then I would go ahead and get an apartment with the shortest lease possible.  I know this is all easier said than done.  <<hugs>>

[Deleted]

Feb 7, 2013 15:25:24 GMT -5 BAMFMrsB said:

have you looked in to renting a house?

You said previously that you were coming in to a large sum of $$$. If you had to, (and FWIW, I'd HAVE to) could you stay at the extended stay place while you found a house or apt to rent that allows dogs. I don't think you need to leave your job, but I'd want to be the eff out of that house.

I have looked into renting a house. I will do so if the transfer comes through. The problem is that there's only a very small chance that I will need long-term housing in this town, and I don't want to sink $3200 into an extended stay.



You can tell that I'm still cheap despite the money coming in (PS- some came! I'm rich!), because I'd rather pitch a tent in my backyard than shell out $3200 for a crappy motel.

[Deleted]

The other option that I'm considering is to take 2 more weeks of leave (I have 4 weeks accrued) and hope that the transfer comes through. At that point I'll be 6 weeks out and maybe staying in the house won't suck so badly. I can sit outside in my yard and read until it's bedtime, and then pop an Ambien. Haha...

[ijack]

Feb 7, 2013 15:32:11 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Feb 7, 2013 15:25:24 GMT -5 BAMFMrsB said:

have you looked in to renting a house?

You said previously that you were coming in to a large sum of $$$. If you had to, (and FWIW, I'd HAVE to) could you stay at the extended stay place while you found a house or apt to rent that allows dogs. I don't think you need to leave your job, but I'd want to be the eff out of that house.

I have looked into renting a house. I will do so if the transfer comes through. The problem is that there's only a very small chance that I will need long-term housing in this town, and I don't want to sink $3200 into an extended stay.



You can tell that I'm still cheap despite the money coming in (PS- some came! I'm rich!), because I'd rather pitch a tent in my backyard than shell out $3200 for a crappy motel.

Don't look at it that way. Look at it as spending $3200 to not step in that living room again.

[ECB]

Feb 7, 2013 15:34:39 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

The other option that I'm considering is to take 2 more weeks of leave (I have 4 weeks accrued) and hope that the transfer comes through. At that point I'll be 6 weeks out and maybe staying in the house won't suck so badly. I can sit outside in my yard and read until it's bedtime, and then pop an Ambien. Haha...

I would actually do that - take some more time off. 

[lime]

Take the extra 2 weeks, if you can.

[Deleted]

I would take more leave. Are you being seen by a doctor? I'd take fmla myself if eligible.

[mrshabious]

Feb 7, 2013 15:35:32 GMT -5 @beagle said:

I think you should stay in the extended stay hotel regardless of the cost. Right now, you need to take care of yourself, and that means being with your dog and not in your house. That is more important than money.

HOnestly, your mental health and well being is worth way more then $3200.  We stayed at an extended living place between selling our condo and moving intothe house (we were getting work done on the house).  It was no big deal, really.  Almost like a mini vacation

I am sorry you have to deal with this!

[shortstax]

Feb 7, 2013 15:37:14 GMT -5 ECB said:

Feb 7, 2013 15:34:39 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

The other option that I'm considering is to take 2 more weeks of leave (I have 4 weeks accrued) and hope that the transfer comes through. At that point I'll be 6 weeks out and maybe staying in the house won't suck so badly. I can sit outside in my yard and read until it's bedtime, and then pop an Ambien. Haha...

I would actually do that - take some more time off. 

This.

Hugs to you (hug)

[hannamaren]

Take the time
Hugs to you.

[pamela]

Have you looked into something like Vacation Rentals By Owner (vrbo.com)? We were able to find one that rented to large dogs. And especially if it's not vacation time in your place, you may be able to find a great deal.

[krystee]

I think pamela's idea of vrbo.com is a good one. Would it help at all if the room looked totally different? If so, you could get someone to paint and redecorate, which might cost $2,000, but it would help with resale value anyway to have a nice, refreshed room. If you were in the Extended Stay, would you be renting or selling your home? That would help defray the costs if the $3,200 seems too high.

[kwynn]

I just told people I like being in my home because it has so many good memories for me and that it helps to be surrounded by my husband's belongings (and in your case, that I am blocking out what happened there).

What about repainting and redecorating, maybe swapping a few rooms around?

I'd probably take a few additional weeks off work---I did not have that option, but would have if I could have.

(((Hugs)))

[ghost]

I like the idea of extending for another two weeks.. also the VRBO, they may rent a room to you until the transfer comes in. Also, could you contact a REA who could find a house that isn't selling (been on the market a while, empty for you to rent from the owner for a short time. Many people will go for this in today's economy. My friend just did this with her house for someone who was contracted for 9months in the area. Heck she even bought cheap furniture for the renter as the renter had none. She was just happy to have her mortage paid for 9 months while it is still on the market. Also contact a rental agency. They may have rental homes on the market.
I also wanted to add..DO NOT live in the house. Take it from me. I thought I was strong enough to do it. I wasn't. I took lunesta every night to sleep. It really messed with my heart and my head. Finally I put the house on the market. I felt so much better the day I turned the keys over. Now my DH died differently but it was still so traumatic.
After I sold my house, My dogs and I moved in with a girl friend for 6 months till I found a place. It was hard but I did it. She actually helped me alot. However, I wasn't working with her all day long every day..if you need to be by yourself. You only need to say "no thank you" to the offers.
((Hugs))

[regina22]

Feb 7, 2013 15:35:32 GMT -5 @beagle said:

I think you should stay in the extended stay hotel regardless of the cost. Right now, you need to take care of yourself, and that means being with your dog and not in your house. That is more important than money.

I agree with this. Life insurance is not meant only to replace income. It's there so you won't have to worry about money when trying to cope with grief. You're still worrying about money while trying to come up with the best plan to deal with grieving. The more you stress about the job transfer and your living arrangements, the more you're wasting the money. Stop. Grieve. Spend the money.

[Deleted]

Thanks for knocking some sense into me. I will take 2 weeks of leave, and I will spring for the Extended Stay when I go back.

The way I envisioned staying in the house was not at all reasonable. I planned to get a space heater and sit outside until it was bedtime. Then pop an Ambien and pass out. NOT HEALTHY. This is in the South, so it's not terribly cold, but it's cold enough at night.

I still have a very strong aversion to all his stuff. I'd say the aversion has reduced by about 5% since this happened a month ago. For example I grabbed a shirt of his when I was there, just in case I wanted it. I sniffed it and it smelled like him, so I threw it in the laundry and washed it. Now it's clean but I still won't wear it. It's on the floor under some stuff. I don't want anything to do with it. This is irrational and bizarre even to me.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Life is not fair and you should not have to feel stressed about your work and living situation while you are grieving.

I would definitely take the additional 2 weeks of work off. During that time I would look for other housing options. I would not go back to the house. When the time comes to move, you can hire people to pack and move everything for you. I would pay for the extended stay living as a last resort. I would also speak to local mgmt at the place to see if they can offer you a discount. If you explain your situation there might be a discount that they can let you take advantage of. Otherwise, I would commute up to an hour away and stay someplace else. Sometimes driving can be therapeutic to think, listen to music, etc. 

I hope your transfer comes through soon so you can close this chapter and move on. 

[MixedBerryJam]

Hi Spearmint - You really sound like you're getting your shit together, and I so admire this. I have a couple of ideas (but I haven't read all the responses yet, so sorry if they've been offered up already.)

If you really don't feel ready to go back yet, can you continue on compassionate leave, paid or unpaid? Have you used up all your sick time? I didn't take a whole lot of time before my husband died, but about a month after he died I just collapsed, and actually started using my FMLA leave at that point. I took a 6-week medical leave at that point (ETA: and ended the medical leave at that point, but didn't go back. So now I guess I'm retired). Would FMLA be an option to you? It involved my pcp filling out a form that the leave was medically necessary based on "complicted grief" or something along those lines. Not just plain old grief, is what I'm trying to say.

But, if you feel ready to go back, but just can't figure out the logistics, how about asking one of those friends who offered to put you up to take just your dog(s), which would make you finding a nearby extended stay or hotel room much easier and probably less expensive. If you found a place nearby you could still walk/play with/see the dog regularly.

And one final thing: you sound pretty secure in your employment and mostly confident that the transfer will come through. Can you be upfront with the boss and give him a "need to know by" date? The conversation doesn't have to be a confrontation; it can be framed in terms of "this is best for me, I'm good for your company, so this is best for you, too" kind of way.

Wishing you the best!

[phunluvin82]

Feb 7, 2013 17:16:05 GMT -5 pamela said:

Have you looked into something like Vacation Rentals By Owner (vrbo.com)? We were able to find one that rented to large dogs. And especially if it's not vacation time in your place, you may be able to find a great deal.

I'm so sorry.

The vrbo could be a really good idea...airbnb is another one you could look at.

I would go ahead and take the extra 2 weeks though...and then re-evaluate.