Broken - Need help

[twomoms2twins]

So - I used to thik M and I were a power couple. It all used to work so well and gel.We were on the same page it was great.
Then I became broken - i am so void of sexual anything weight was an issue but i had surgery and well its still an issue I just have ZERO lebido.  On top of it there are things she does that irk the crap outta me and if there was any feeling of "intimacy" one small wrong move or word and I SHUT DOWN.  I know this is my issue and then she throws the lack or "love" in my face and that makes it worse and then there is the pressure that "lesbian death bed" and then she make innuendos that just top it all off.  Anyhow, I will say that I am a pretty stone butch - much more a giver than receiver and I am ok with that.  so that the intimacy issue...

Then there is the kid issue and well again we used to be 100% dead on and it flowed so wonderfully.  But I seem to spend more time with them then she does ( this is not a problem I love them to death ) but once in a while I need a break or for her to kick in and just handle it ... so then I think I am being slick and sly but trying really hard to turn a blind eye an well it pains me to let my kid cry for a duration that I think is unacceptable ( blah blah bla )  but i try then she finally gets pissed and does something about it.. ( clearly there is so much more to this scenario)

She says Im resentful that she does not pick up slack - and I am not resentful but yes I'm bothered and I cringe when she makes comments like there is nothing else i can do for her or I tried everything and ( BABY STILL CRYING  and she goes back to bed and turns monitor off) REALLY ?? REALLY ?  I have a massive shit fit and I did and I went off said mean thing took care of kid said more mean things and she went to sleep.  I should also say that she says she is a night owl and will go to bed at 3am  and she does but is useless when the kids wake up because she is so deeply asleep maybe I am jealous that she can sleep through ANYTHING.. but still ...  I am rambling and it feels goos and venting and feels better but. I will say I am a light sleeper. 

I have said flat out I'm not happy ( that is not necessarily true I just want things fixed) and I asked about seeing a counselor did not happen  so what to do ... I even told her to go see other people (i dont know if i mean that ) but it will take the sex pressure off of me  but she is like over sexed and is rearing to go every second of everyday (i used to be a stuff and it did'nt matter but i'm not the punk 20 year old and fucking in a bar bathroom is maybe beneath  now I dunno.

Leaving the kids not an option EVER...  but ack I just wanna I dunno -

and whats crazy is this will happen and it gets ugly and then it gets good again - its like every few months this happens but the options seem so slim.

If you have relationship problems what and how did you conquer them ... also we are together ALL THE TIME. We work together live together and ALL THE TIME ALWAYS.. I tried to venture off with my friends but I feel bad for leaving the girls (WHY DO I FEEL BAD) she does go out and gets away a lil bit more than I do. 

Ugg now i feel like an ass for saying all this

[never2amazing]

The bottom-line is that you need couples counseling. Also, if not in individuals counseling, I suggest that for the two of you.

[tattooedmeegs]

Don't feel like an ass. I think many of us have said that co-parenting is 20x harder then we ever thought it would be. Its like you suddenly have to be on all of the time, and its exhausting, and you can't take out your frustration or exhaustion on the kids, so often it comes out (whether by fights and anger, or just not having the patience for them you normally would) on the person you are closest to... your spouse.

As for lack of libido... sister, you are singing my song. You are NOT broken. I know its a shitty feeling, but it doesn't make you broken. The best advice I've gotten is to try not to say no, and fake it til you make it (aka even if you aren't in the mood, sometimes the act of starting to "do it" will get you going, and the more you do it, the more your body wants it).

As for the other stuff. Have you tried sitting down and having a conversation with M when you are both in good moods? So, not in the heat of the moment, not when you are upset, but when you are both happy and calm? Sometimes doing it then can have such better results. But definitely talk to her. Tell her what frustrates you, and what steps would help you feel less frustrated, and let her do the same. But also tell her what you love about her and the things she does that you really appreciate. Its good for her to hear, and will help her hear the rest, but its also a good reminder for yourself.

Finally, try to accept her limitations. If you know that she doesn't do nights in a way that makes you comfortable, can you take nights, but she'll do mornings so you can sleep in a little? Or she'll take the first half of the night while she's still awake, then you'll do the second half after she comes to bed?

I think we all go through times like this when its just hard. Good luck and hugs to you both.

[tattooedmeegs]

Talk to you doctor about the libido things... there are lots of causes, and it might be something "fixable."

Also, I agree that counseling is the way to go. So maybe try gently bringing it up again.

[thiswillbe]

I don't think I quite understood all of what you wrote, but it sounds like counseling is definitely in order. I don't know what you mean by "it didn't happen," but there's no reason it can't happen now, is there?

I'd recommend you not try to be "slick and sly," and just straight-up tell her when you need a break. Work it out at the beginning of the day: "I'll be 'on duty' from X to Y, can you be 'on duty' from Y to Z?" When the kids were smaller (and did less independent play) we used to take the weekends in 2-hour chunks when we really needed to get things done (S would have 2 hours to do her things around the house while I had the kids, and then we'd switch).

Re: improving intimacy, are you working at it? I've had loooong stretches of zero libido, and during those times I just have to push myself to be intimate (not necessarily having sex when I don't feel like it, but being intimate in other ways). Have you talked to M about backing off a little bit? I had to tell S (repeatedly) how crappy it made me feel when she'd crack jokes about our lack of sex life before she stopped. Be honest with M about how it makes you feel.

FWIW, we're together 24/7 (work, home), and yeah, it can be hard, but we're together so much because we *want* to be. If it's not working for you, change that part. Take the kids to the park or the grocery store by yourself; leave the kids with M while you run an errand; take a class; hire a babysitter; put the kids in daycare once a week and go do something on your own.

[2brides]

You really are in the thick of it (childrearing wise) and it can be painfully hard on you and your marriage. It wasn't until the kids were older (aka easier) that I didn't feel horribly guilty to taking time alone and leaving L with them (hell, I still have a twinge of guilt and I've been running solo on weekends for years.)

If M isn't a morning person, you might have to pick your battles. L rarely woke up with the kids (and as I've stated Gray woke up every night till he was 3.5y), it used to burn my behind that she didn't wake up and once they did STTN, but were up at 5:30-6am, I was the one who got up with them. I really had to work on letting my anger go and letting her sleep in till 8 - but then I would ask her to take over so I could rest (not necessarily sleep, but have a bit of alone time.)

I still struggle with feeling like I am always comparing what I do with L and feeling like I am always getting the shitty end of the deal (ie. Yea, being with the kids alone all weekend sucks sometimes, but so does sitting in an empty hotel room at a desk writing for 16 hrs a day and only leaving that room 1x/day. Yea, it sucks that I am the one who always has to take the kids to school, but it is because L leaves home at 6am and that really sucks.) it is a process.

Re: libido. I've found in my house that when the anger/resentment/stress is alleviated, the libido comes back - at least a bit. And I don't mean, "oh, today I am not angry, I am ready for sex...." but "we've had a month of decreased stress/anger..." And I agree with getting your hormones checked. A huge part of the libido has to do with hormones.

Good luck.

[seattlekari]

Awww J...((hugs)). I would strongly suggest getting your hormones checked as others suggested. I won't rewrite what others have already written, but just say ditto to counseling both couples and individually, having an honest convo with M when you're not in the heat of things, trying to have other intimate moments that are not about sex. And yes, you really are in the heat of things at the girls' age now. I hope you that you and M can find some time to reconnect and talk. Could you guys get a sitter or family/friend to be with the girls so you could have a date once in a while? I know that some of the other ladies here have worked hard to reinstitute date night with their significant other to give them some adult time.

[twomoms2twins]

Feb 8, 2013 11:23:04 GMT -5 tattooedmeegs said:

Don't feel like an ass. I think many of us have said that co-parenting is 20x harder then we ever thought it would be. Its like you suddenly have to be on all of the time, and its exhausting, and you can't take out your frustration or exhaustion on the kids, so often it comes out (whether by fights and anger, or just not having the patience for them you normally would) on the person you are closest to... your spouse.

As for lack of libido... sister, you are singing my song. You are NOT broken. I know its a shitty feeling, but it doesn't make you broken. The best advice I've gotten is to try not to say no, and fake it til you make it (aka even if you aren't in the mood, sometimes the act of starting to "do it" will get you going, and the more you do it, the more your body wants it).

As for the other stuff. Have you tried sitting down and having a conversation with M when you are both in good moods? So, not in the heat of the moment, not when you are upset, but when you are both happy and calm? Sometimes doing it then can have such better results. But definitely talk to her. Tell her what frustrates you, and what steps would help you feel less frustrated, and let her do the same. But also tell her what you love about her and the things she does that you really appreciate. Its good for her to hear, and will help her hear the rest, but its also a good reminder for yourself.

Finally, try to accept her limitations. If you know that she doesn't do nights in a way that makes you comfortable, can you take nights, but she'll do mornings so you can sleep in a little? Or she'll take the first half of the night while she's still awake, then you'll do the second half after she comes to bed?

I think we all go through times like this when its just hard. Good luck and hugs to you both.

thanks MEEGS!!!!!

[twomoms2twins]

Feb 8, 2013 11:57:16 GMT -5 2brides said:

You really are in the thick of it (childrearing wise) and it can be painfully hard on you and your marriage. It wasn't until the kids were older (aka easier) that I didn't feel horribly guilty to taking time alone and leaving L with them (hell, I still have a twinge of guilt and I've been running solo on weekends for years.)

If M isn't a morning person, you might have to pick your battles. L rarely woke up with the kids (and as I've stated Gray woke up every night till he was 3.5y), it used to burn my behind that she didn't wake up and once they did STTN, but were up at 5:30-6am, I was the one who got up with them. I really had to work on letting my anger go and letting her sleep in till 8 - but then I would ask her to take over so I could rest (not necessarily sleep, but have a bit of alone time.)

I still struggle with feeling like I am always comparing what I do with L and feeling like I am always getting the shitty end of the deal (ie. Yea, being with the kids alone all weekend sucks sometimes, but so does sitting in an empty hotel room at a desk writing for 16 hrs a day and only leaving that room 1x/day. Yea, it sucks that I am the one who always has to take the kids to school, but it is because L leaves home at 6am and that really sucks.) it is a process.

Re: libido. I've found in my house that when the anger/resentment/stress is alleviated, the libido comes back - at least a bit. And I don't mean, "oh, today I am not angry, I am ready for sex...." but "we've had a month of decreased stress/anger..." And I agree with getting your hormones checked. A huge part of the libido has to do with hormones.

Good luck.

yes the comparing - UGG and sadly the kids tend to prefer me and its because I am with them most.  I try to come up with a plan  but either work is too busy for her or in a second and in a min and it turns to 20 and then well I'll just do it myself....  I am a big mouth as you can tell so I am pretty good at letting my feeling be know  in the heat of the moment and out of the moment. I have  mentioned counseling often but you can lead a horse to water.... 

[hensmum]

THERAPY. ASAP! As recently as two months ago, I was very, very unhappy in my marriage. I'm talking, pricing apartments on craigslist - thinking about what it would be like to date again. Today? Everything has changed. How did I get from there to here? THERAPY. It is a pain in the ass to find someone, make the appointment, and get childcare, but it can Save Your Marriage. It sounds like the problems you are having are super, duper common, and just getting in a room with a professional to help you guys hash it out and get back on the same page can really and truly work wonders. When we started therapy at the end of November, I thought it was probably 50/50 that it would lead to being happy again (we've been together nearly 10 years of 99% bliss - prior to last year), or divorce. I was fully, fully prepared to find out through therapy that this just wasn't going to work. I can't tell you how much everything has changed since then. We started out going once a week, with multiple sob-fest conversations while DS was sleeping in between appointments, and now we are only once a month, and truly, we barely need it now - I just like it as a check in.

As far as sex - if you're not into it. Try to get back in there slowly by being intimate in other ways. Also, once you start therapy and Really Talking about all the things you aren't really saying to one another now - it should take some of the tension out and make you feel more relaxed and ready to, ahem, get back in the saddle.

If you want your marriage - fight for it. Couples therapy is the way to do that!

[twomoms2twins]

Feb 8, 2013 12:58:19 GMT -5 seattlekari said:

Awww J...((hugs)). I would strongly suggest getting your hormones checked as others suggested. I won't rewrite what others have already written, but just say ditto to counseling both couples and individually, having an honest convo with M when you're not in the heat of things, trying to have other intimate moments that are not about sex. And yes, you really are in the heat of things at the girls' age now. I hope you that you and M can find some time to reconnect and talk. Could you guys get a sitter or family/friend to be with the girls so you could have a date once in a while? I know that some of the other ladies here have worked hard to reinstitute date night with their significant other to give them some adult time.

i am so down for date night  but she always complains about paying a sitter and  feel like we use my uncle a lil much ... and so that becomes an issue...  and i would go out by myself but like i said I feel bad and while im out wonder. I was thinking about going to my moms for a few days but I just wonder if I am gone who will wake up with the kids Ya know - Its lame  and perhaps I am tryng to have my cake and eat it too-  I dunno.

Thanks for the hugs KARI....I need it ! as for a DR who where I dunno if its a Reproductive Endo or a regular ENDO  last blood work and all i had with my heart issue the labs shoes my pituitary was perfect ?

[seattlekari]

Feb 8, 2013 13:15:15 GMT -5 twomoms2twins said:

Feb 8, 2013 12:58:19 GMT -5 seattlekari said:

Awww J...((hugs)). I would strongly suggest getting your hormones checked as others suggested. I won't rewrite what others have already written, but just say ditto to counseling both couples and individually, having an honest convo with M when you're not in the heat of things, trying to have other intimate moments that are not about sex. And yes, you really are in the heat of things at the girls' age now. I hope you that you and M can find some time to reconnect and talk. Could you guys get a sitter or family/friend to be with the girls so you could have a date once in a while? I know that some of the other ladies here have worked hard to reinstitute date night with their significant other to give them some adult time.

i am so down for date night  but she always complains about paying a sitter and  feel like we use my uncle a lil much ... and so that becomes an issue...  and i would go out by myself but like i said I feel bad and while im out wonder. I was thinking about going to my moms for a few days but I just wonder if I am gone who will wake up with the kids Ya know - Its lame  and perhaps I am tryng to have my cake and eat it too-  I dunno.

Thanks for the hugs KARI....I need it ! as for a DR who where I dunno if its a Reproductive Endo or a regular ENDO  last blood work and all i had with my heart issue the labs shoes my pituitary was perfect ?

Do you have a primary care doc? I'd start there. It should be a check of your estrogen and/or testosterone levels. Also, as hensmum said, dealing with the stress in therapy and hashing things out can do a lot for making things return in that regard. I know getting a sitter is $$ and feels like an obstacle, but I hope that you can have a heart to heart with M about how important this is to your relationship. You need couple time away from the kids to focus on each other. It sounded like you guys had a great time on your birthday weekend, you need little bits of that here and there to keep you both going on and focused on who you are as a couple. I know you don't have a problem saying how you feel, so just sit down with M and lay it out there. Tell her how much you love her and that you want to work on making things better for both of you.

[ElsaVonM]

I also recommend splitting up the evening, or switching off nights altogether. I'm more of a night owl and try to take care of the kids if they need something between 10p-3a. (I'm in bed for most of that, but don't feel so crazed if I have to get up.) That said, I usually don't hear them - Jen wakes up and has to nudge me and tell me to get up. There isn't much I can do about how deeply I sleep. If she is sick or really needs sleep, I sleep in the room right across the hall from them with both my door and their door open so I'm sure to hear them first.

It also sounds to me like you don't really trust her to take care of them overnight. I think you should try it. Knowing that there is someone else there who CAN and WILL get up with them makes it much easier to just sleep through - it's subconscious, but it's there. I'm willing to bet that they would figure it out together if you took a few nights off, and she might appreciate your efforts at night more too.

It sounds like you guys had a very strong partnership at one point, and that base is so important. I truly believe that you guys will be happy again, and we are here to support you while you work to make that happen.

[rikkiandjulie]

Been here, SO close to here. I get all of it but the kids thing. DW and I are separated, and in counseling working towards being together again. Go to counseling, it WILL help. If she doesn't want to go with a friendly conversation it may be time for the "come to Jesus talk". It HAS to happen, counseling is so helpful, DW and I should have went years ago, way before I behaved horribly. You don't want her to see other people, however once you are in counseling and you start smoothing out the rough spots, the romance will flow. I know it's rough now, but it will improve.


Rikki-iPhone

[twomoms2twins]

Thanks everyone ... Its a work in progress for sure and trying to talk her in to counseling and find out whats the dealio with me hormone wise. I am a lil apprehensive to go to the dr just cuz i feel they might laugh at me - but working on it.

ELSAvon M - thank you thank you your response really sparked something .... WE DO HAVE A SUPER STRONG BASE and i think we both know that but the wast of energy on arguments and frustration GAH...