I think things with bf and I will be dunzo soon. If not before I move, then soon after.
It's complicated, but he still hasn't found a job, has some depression because of it, and it just goes around and around in a circle. He blows up and then cries if I suggest alternatives or ask if he's tried this and this plan - just happened during lunch today. He feels demeaned and I apologize for seeming combative, he says he might try a few new things, rinse and repeat in a month.
I threw myself into helping him job search this past summer, suggesting alternatives, being the cheerleader. My dad even helped him with his resume. The last time we saw each other (mid Jan) I had a breakdown after finding out he wasn't utilizing some important resources close to him, and told him I couldn't keep supporting him the way I was. I told him I was exhausted and didn't have the energy to spend my spare time time job searching with him and thinking about his/our life AND trying to figure out what to do with my own life and growth.
Since then I've distanced myself and moved on with what I want to do solo, not necessarily the 4 or 5 futures that could happen with us as a couple. It sounds snooty, but I lost some respect for him. Once that happens, it's difficult to see that respect coming back.
It's not even that he doesn't have a job, it's that his initiative and drive is lacking, and I can't be the one to put in 125% so his 75% will balance out. Some of it is depression, some is just his nature.
He is a wonderful man who is kind and supportive of me and my stuff, too, but it's time to move on soon.
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Feb 19, 2013 17:43:54 GMT -5
I have a guy friend who is single. He has a good job, owns his own house, isn't smelly, and has neither a ponytail nor a soulpatch. Might he be the future Mr. Gault?
It sounds like it hasn't really been an equal partnership for a while: you've been trying to plan your future and then also help him with his. That's a lot to put on your plate, and really your top priority has to be yourself.
I'm sorry, Gault. It's hard to let go of a relationship, even if you know it's the right decision. It's a good time for you to focus on yourself. There are a lot of changes coming down the pipe.
Post by fussbucket on Feb 19, 2013 17:55:37 GMT -5
I can understand feeling like this kind of stuff is not the entirety of who he is, but it's nevertheless really, really significant in relationship terms, especially in consideration of any kind of longer-term future.
Sorry, gault. It blows, but I'm happy for you that you're still looking out for and taking care of your own needs.
I can understand feeling like this kind of stuff is not the entirety of who he is, but it's nevertheless really, really significant in relationship terms, especially in consideration of any kind of longer-term future.
Sorry, gault. It blows, but I'm happy for you that you're still looking out for and taking care of your own needs.
Agreed. This might not be too significant if you guys were a lot younger. But let's be honest... he's WAYYYYY too old to still be floating around like this.
I think you have awesome things in your future, gault. And I think you're meant to have those things without him. I think you're meant to find the RIGHT guy after you've gotten to a good place for YOU.
This is difficult, because he is trying... looking and applying for jobs every day, has started applying for post doc positions which he didn't want to do initially, etc. And I have not exactly been a walk in the park the last two months - have had a lot of my own demons to conquer and he has been nothing but supportive to me, too. Even supportive of my moving back to MN.
However, once I start feeling like a nagging mom which makes me not want to sleep with someone or feel as compassionate, it's downhill from there. Also, once his parents started in with sly comments like suggesting I get an annulment and how they want their future grandkids baptized catholic, etc etc...that put a big sense of dread right in the pit of my stomach. He is not like that, but having an ongoing battle of wills with family does not sound like a picnic to me.
I can understand feeling like this kind of stuff is not the entirety of who he is, but it's nevertheless really, really significant in relationship terms, especially in consideration of any kind of longer-term future.
Sorry, gault. It blows, but I'm happy for you that you're still looking out for and taking care of your own needs.
Agreed. This might not be too significant if you guys were a lot younger. But let's be honest... he's WAYYYYY too old to still be floating around like this.
I think you have awesome things in your future, gault. And I think you're meant to have those things without him. I think you're meant to find the RIGHT guy after you've gotten to a good place for YOU.
Thank you.
He's been in grad school for his adult life, which kind of separated him from the "real" world in a way. But I think he intentionally shielded himself from certain things because he thought the flow of life was going to naturally throw him a bone, and that was just how it went. A job would fall into his lap and people would clamor to hire him because he has a phd. Doesn't work like that.
Also, once his parents started in with sly comments like suggesting I get an annulment and how they want their future grandkids baptized catholic, etc etc...that put a big sense of dread right in the pit of my stomach. He is not like that, but having an ongoing battle of wills with family does not sound like a picnic to me.
Oh, yeah, I remember that. Not a dealbreaker, and really none of these things are an absolute dealbreaker, but all put together, I can see why it sort of petered out.
Also, I absolutely want to stay friends with him. He really is a good person. Just not the right fit for me, and has some growing up and maturing to do.
Post by fussbucket on Feb 19, 2013 19:12:43 GMT -5
Just for comparison, I married my H a couple of years before he finished his Ph.D. in a field related to your BF's. I didn't see this as a gamble, however, because he's not the type of person to feel entitled to anything, or that the universe just magically will throw him a bone. He actually worked his ass off grinding out a rather miserable (ie boring) side-job playing online poker career when we were both in grad school to supplement our income and reduce the amount of SLs I needed to take out (he has zero). So it's not a question of the degree or the field or the extra-academic life experience, it's a question of what are your goals in life, who do you share them with, and what are YOU willing to do to achieve them?
And now I feel like sharing that my H bought my e-ring with the proceeds from a second-place finish in a Vegas poker tournament. He'd never had a "real" job either.
Post by partiallysunny on Feb 20, 2013 8:34:33 GMT -5
I'm sorry, gault. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. All those little things combined make for a difficult relationship.
I completely agree with Imoan when she said "I think you're meant to find the RIGHT guy after you've gotten to a good place for YOU." Focus on you for awhile and see what happens after that.
Post by starrieskies on Feb 20, 2013 11:41:19 GMT -5
It sounds like you're making the right decision, gault. I know it's hard and I know it sucks, but now is the time for you to really focus on you. You've got a lot of changes coming in your life, and they're all going to work together to put you in a better place.
I think you are making the right decision. You've done a lot to get you to where you are now. He seems like he doesn't want to make an effort to make himself better.