S/O Friendships, need advice - LONG, sorry.

[anastasiabeaverhause]

Ok, So I am friends w/ these two girls who are best friends. I am the third wheel, always has been that way in our dynamic and it honestly doesn't bother me. They aren't my best friends and I am not theirs but we have known each other for 8 years now and everything was great. I used to get together all of the time w/ Sara for lunch and whatever since she is a stay at home mom and every other Saturday the three of us would get together, our husbands would play games and the girls would watch movies or talk or whatever.

Since October, whenever I I text / call / email I haven't gotten a reply other than Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas. I just honestly figured they were busy w/ the holidays and kids and didn't think too much about it. Last night I ran into Sara and her husband and this was our conversation:

Sara: I haven't heard from you in forever!
Me: really? I have called and left vmails and texts, but I haven't heard from you. If you want I am open for lunch this week.
Sara: Well, yeah, I have just been really busy, I am taking this year and focusing on my husband and my kids.
Me: Ok, no problem. Well I am open for lunch or a Saturday coffee date anytime you want.
Sara: yeah, well Things have just been really busy, I am focusing on my husband and kids right now, I am only spending time w/ Ashley (the other bff) and that is it. But I don't know why you haven't called.
Me: Umm.. I told you I have called and I just said that I am open for lunch or whatever on your time, I am available pretty much whenever.
Sara: Well we will see, I am just focused on my husband and kids right now. I did SOOO much for other people last year w/ being my sisters maid of honor and throwing her a party and I just really want to focus on my family.
Me: Well alright, well I hope that you are doing well.
Sara: Yeah, Things are great, just focusing on my husband and my kids.
Me: Ok, well talk to you later, bye

It hurt my feelings so much because throughout the conversation I felt like she was trying to blame me for us not talking, but whenever I mentioned I have called or whatever she tells me  that she is busy w/  her husband and kids. and she kept repeating it, over and over again, it was just odd. And I felt like she was blaming me for us not talking, but I have tried.
I guess what I am asking is what should I do? Just give up the friendship and if she wants to hang let her call me?  I just thought that at 30 we were past all of this and it just makes me feel weird.

[ElizabethBennet]

Write her off, she's not worth it.

[ElizabethBennet]

Write her off, she's not worth it.

[Deleted]

She sounds like a pretty crappy friend.

I would just stop making an effort.

I did that with a friend recently who only ever talked about herself and never asked how I was. I just don't need friends like that.

Sorry you are feeling bad. It's not you, it's her.

[mrssandro]

She doesn't sound like a real friend. Move on.

[walterismydog]

What an awkward conversation.

I'd let this one fizzle out.

[ECB]

She's not blaming - she's deflecting. She knows full well that you've tried and that she's ignored.

It sucks, but it sounds like she isn't interested in being friends anymore. I wouldn't extend anymore effort.

[Deleted]

I think Sara is my SIL and I've given up. Even for family I'm not going to be the only one trying and hopefully they'll toss me a scrap once in awhile. I can't even begin to speculate WHY some people make it so damn difficult while claiming in the same breath they'd love to see you more or do more with you but they are out there, over 30 and they suck.

I'd be ready for the next run in "well you said you were focusing on your family, when you didn't return my calls I took the hint. Gotta run."

[daisyheadmaizie]

I'd just walk away at this point. For whatever reason, she is flaking out of the friendship. My guess is, she feels like a jerk for just dropping you so she is convincing herself that it is her fault that things have fallen apart. Totally lame and high school behavior on her part.

[anastasiabeaverhause]

Thanks guys. I just felt awkward and weird after our conversation. Guess it is time to move on. Thanks for the advice. I just wanted to make sure that I was doing the right thing I guess by moving on, I don't like to hurt peoples feelings and wanted to make sure that I wasn't reading too much into it. It was just so odd how she kept saying she is focusing on her husband and kids, just odd.

[Deleted]

i would bet approximately all of my life savings that she or her husband had an affair this summer/fall, ashley is the only one that knows about it, and she doesn't want to tell you that THAT is why she's "focusing on her husband and family" to the exclusion of everything and everyone else.

[anastasiabeaverhause]

Feb 26, 2013 11:32:29 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

I am DEAD that it takes this much to focus on her family. And that it apparently only requires one year.

She sounds like a total idiot. I'd write her off. Do you really want her friendship anyway? All she'd do is spend the entire lunch talking about the husband and the insufferable children.

This is so so so true! The last time the three of us got together that is ALL they talked about was their kids. I didn't have anything to contribute because we don't have kids so I just kind of sat there and smiled and nodded. That was the first time that the conversation was all about kids and how "perfect" they were.

[ECB]

Feb 26, 2013 11:35:09 GMT -5 cville said:

i would bet approximately all of my life savings that she or her husband had an affair this summer/fall, ashley is the only one that knows about it, and she doesn't want to tell you that THAT is why she's "focusing on her husband and family" to the exclusion of everything and everyone else.

Ah- ding ding ding.  I was thinking that "something" may have happened in her marriage and that's where that focus comes from, but then how does Ashley play into it?  But this would make sense.

Yeah - I just feel there is something more going on here that actually has nothing to do w/ you. 

[Deleted]

That's weird. I'm sorry, I would not make any more effort.

[Waffles]

She's deflecting. I'd walk away.
WTF kind of person actually says this?
"Things have just been really busy, I am focusing on my husband and kids right now, I am only spending time w/ Ashley (the other bff) and that is it. But I don't know why you haven't called.
"



I'm sorry your feelings are hurt but I do think you're better off without her. It's one thing to not be top priority in someone's life, it's another to have it rubbed in your face.

[anastasiabeaverhause]

Feb 26, 2013 11:37:36 GMT -5 ECB said:

Feb 26, 2013 11:35:09 GMT -5 cville said:

i would bet approximately all of my life savings that she or her husband had an affair this summer/fall, ashley is the only one that knows about it, and she doesn't want to tell you that THAT is why she's "focusing on her husband and family" to the exclusion of everything and everyone else.

Ah- ding ding ding.  I was thinking that "something" may have happened in her marriage and that's where that focus comes from, but then how does Ashley play into it?  But this would make sense.

Yeah - I just feel there is something more going on here that actually has nothing to do w/ you. 

you may be correct cville. I know that her husband started a new job end of "11 and there were more females at his new job than what I would have expected, he is an IT professional, he also works 50 hours w/ them so something may have happened. I hope not, but you never know.

[anastasiabeaverhause]

Thanks so much guys! Yall honestly did make me feel better. Time to focus on meeting new people. I won't call / text her anymore and just let it go.

[ECB]

Feb 26, 2013 11:37:06 GMT -5 anastasiabeaverhause said:

 The last time the three of us got together that is ALL they talked about was their kids. I didn't have anything to contribute because we don't have kids so I just kind of sat there and smiled and nodded. That was the first time that the conversation was all about kids and how "perfect" they were.

A - I have a child and I can't stand talking about kids the entire time no matter what.  I have a life outside of my child.

B - this is simply rude of them.  Even though I'm not a "let's talk about my perfect child" person, even the LITTLE I do occasionally talk about him, I always make sure I am aware of my audience. 

[imojoebunny]

Uhm... Whatevers. I would just move on with my life. She may just be going through a period of time, having problems in her marriage or whatever, or she may be trying to ditch you. Hard to say. I would let it go and move on.

I get trying to focus on your family. Honestly, I have no interest in going out at night, so generally skip girls night type things beyond the two book clubs I am in, and the occasional weekend girls trip.

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2013 11:32:07 GMT -5 ECB said:

She's not blaming - she's deflecting. She knows full well that you've tried and that she's ignored.

It sucks, but it sounds like she isn't interested in being friends anymore. I wouldn't extend anymore effort.

Exactly, she doesn't want to take responsibility so she's turned it around to make it seem like you are the bad friend. I'd ditch contacting this person. 

[papie]

I haven't read the other replies, but I think she is trying to break up with you. 

[mushmouse]

Is Ashley being weird too? I agree with the affair theory.

[anastasiabeaverhause]

Feb 26, 2013 12:51:56 GMT -5 mushmouse said:

Is Ashley being weird too? I agree with the affair theory.





Not really, Ashley and I don't really talk too much on our own. She hasn't called me or anything, but that isn't too odd for her.

[mushmouse]

It all sounds so odd. I feel like sometimes people just need to squeeze others out when they are bestest bestest friends with someone. I don't understand most of the games people play. I hope you're not too hurt by it. But "it's not you, it's her".