I wanted to create an AE bc i am so upset but too

[Deleted]

I'm sorry sloan. I hope he gets his head out of his ass today.

[Deleted]

Grrr. I'm sorry your H is being a dick right now. Hope you can cler things up very soon. Do you want me to throat punch him? Because I would you know.

[luckyval]

You don't deserve that sloane, circumstances be damned. I am really sorry honey. I don't have any words of advice. I'm sure he was lashing out in the most douchetastic way possible given what you guys are going through, but this is so far from uncalled for

[runforrest]

Yeah, no.

He owes you an apology for the very fact that he made his pregnant wife so upset that she had to drive to a friend's house rather than relax in her own home.

Bedrest, whether it's modified or strict, is no joke and he needs to grow a pair right now and support you, because as much as the anniversary of his mom's death sucks, his focus right now needs to be on you and that baby. He needs to suck it up and make things as easy as possible for you right now, because pre-term labor is no fucking joke.

This pisses me off b/c I was on strict bedrest for 10 fucking weeks and if my H pulled that shit I would have been beyond livid.

I'm so sorry, Sloan. I hope you get your apology and then some.

[Deleted]

:-( I'm so sorry Sloan. He is being a jerk and right now you deserve to be taken care of. Not fought against.

You know where to find me if you need anything!

[moolarkey]

I am sorry you are the recipient of this behavior. I don't know how long his mom's been gone but my mom's been gone 9 years now. For about 5 or 6 years, starting in early October I would start being very short-tempered, sometimes just mean and nasty. Easily annoyed & irrirated about things that would normally never bother me.

It took until about the 4th year to realize what it was... My Mom died October 28. Within a few days after 10/28 of those years, it would pass and I'd be myself again.

I honestly didn't know I was doing it for the first several years and I had to have been Hell to live with. Once I realized it, when I'd get in a snit in October I'd remember and deal with it better. I wasn't perfect but better.

I'm not excusing him - it was wrong for me and wrong for him but it could be the anniversary takes it's toll starting much sooner than one would expect.

Just a thought.

[Deleted]

Feb 27, 2013 9:04:27 GMT -5 @missusbee said:

I'm so sorry Sloan. He is being a jerk and right now you deserve to be taken care of. Not fought against.

You know where to find me if you need anything!

Marketbasket?  haha JK thanks so much.  Ya, I just can't get through to him.  I finally called him at work bc this is stressing me out and that isn't good.  So we did talk a bit he is going to call me from his cell to talk more. He apologized. Said he is having a very hard time with the anniversary and the fact that his father moved on and is with another woman and didn't even plan a mass or anything.  This is fAR from over.  While I am glad he apologized, there is much more he needs to do imho.  We shall see. but at least I got the apology and now I can go watch my court smut tv without having anxiety about this damn fight.  He is LUCKY I am on bedrest bc if I weren't I would have kicked him in the ball sack for sure

[cleo29]

Feb 27, 2013 8:25:42 GMT -5 @sloanpeterson said:

Cleo I love that. I am going to say that to him today. Once the kids go to school.

I think people can take advantage not only of relationships, but of the love there. This goes for friendships, marriages, etc. And I personally like understanding the reason behind the jerky behavior, that doesn't make it right. ever. We all have bad days or feel stressed, but never saying you are sorry or acknowledging that you did something wrong is a big problem for me.

It sounds like this can be a pattern for him, not necessarily taking his anger out on you, but the failure to recognize his behavior for what it is/was and apologizing accordingly. I could be totally wrong, but if that is the case, I would calmly bring this up. You are his wife, not the person he just gets to dump on, say hurtful things to and then never have to be held accountable. THAT is not marriage.

I know bedrest sucks, especially when you already have kids. Hang in there, mama! (hug)

[Deleted]

Feb 27, 2013 9:12:44 GMT -5 moolarkey said:

I am sorry you are the recipient of this behavior. I don't know how long his mom's been gone but my mom's been gone 9 years now. For about 5 or 6 years, starting in early October I would start being very short-tempered, sometimes just mean and nasty. Easily annoyed & irrirated about things that would normally never bother me.

It took until about the 4th year to realize what it was... My Mom died October 28. Within a few days after 10/28 of those years, it would pass and I'd be myself again.

I honestly didn't know I was doing it for the first several years and I had to have been Hell to live with. Once I realized it, when I'd get in a snit in October I'd remember and deal with it better. I wasn't perfect but better.

I'm not excusing him - it was wrong for me and wrong for him but it could be the anniversary takes it's toll starting much sooner than one would expect.

Just a thought
I

it will be two years march 18th but she went into the hospital right around now two years ago and finally came home for two days to die at home.  She wasn't sick before that, that we knew of, so it was a blow. DH and his mom were VERY TIGHT.  it devestated him. And I try.. so very very hard to be understanding of this.  I give him his space.  I don't push him to chat or anything or give him grief about how he doesn't watn to do anything. I know its a tough time. But when it starts to be taken out on me.. ya.. not gonna accept that. 

so she died March 18th 2011.  he was a wreck from march until Nov pretty much.  We had mothers day, her bday etc.  Christmas was hard too. he cried alot.  Then he was fine.  Feb 2012 until about March 20 last year was brutal.. but then again he got bad around her bday. and here we are again.  I realize this isn't easy for him. 

He won't even talk to me about it. Just the other day he told me he is having dreams about her and that she is saying "why didn' t you help me, you knew I was sick.. you had to have known" and he feels awful. I told him, grief counselor or just plain old counselor.  He doesn't want to do it.

[Waffles]

I'm sorry sloanpeterson. It sounds like he really needs some counseling.

I hope things ease up.

[Deleted]

Can't really justify the cleaning person. My kids have been doing chores and the house is MESSY.. we have two kids and I can't keep up with it. And DH is awesome about cleaning up.

Honestly I think that he is frustrated with his feelings of missing his mom and other things, and instead of a healthy way of talking about it he lashes out with stupid stuff. the house is filthy.. give me a break. its messy... I would't live in filth.

Thanks for all the support. I appreciate you guys so much. I would be lost with you. I know that sounds crazy since I haven't met you guys in person but I loved ML gals so much before but I have a new appreciation now that I am home all the time. HUGS TO YOU ALL

[papie]

I am sorry sloan. Your H is being an asshole. I don't know what to say beyond that. You guys are going through a stressful pregnancy, and it is obviously a lot harder on you, and he needs to realize that he is your partner and needs to support you.
(((hugs)))

I hate when DH goes to bed after a bad fight. It makes me want to wake him up and scream at him.

[CurlyQ284]

I don't mean to attack your H but this isn't the first time he has gotten mad at you and had the kids sleep with him to effectively kick you out of your bed, right?
This little tactic of his really burns me up. He's using your kids to punish you and kick his pregnant wife on bedrest out of bed. Its such a dick move and if the kids figure it out when they are older, they are going to feel weird about being used as pawns like this.

[cleo29]

Feb 27, 2013 9:26:58 GMT -5 @sloanpeterson said:

Can't really justify the cleaning person. My kids have been doing chores and the house is MESSY.. we have two kids and I can't keep up with it. And DH is awesome about cleaning up.

Honestly I think that he is frustrated with his feelings of missing his mom and other things, and instead of a healthy way of talking about it he lashes out with stupid stuff. the house is filthy.. give me a break. its messy... I would't live in filth.

Thanks for all the support. I appreciate you guys so much. I would be lost with you. I know that sounds crazy since I haven't met you guys in person but I loved ML gals so much before but I have a new appreciation now that I am home all the time. HUGS TO YOU ALL

Here's the thing, he is not dealing with his mom's death at all. I am not saying it should be easy, because it isn't, but it also should not become something where you became an asshole to your family. He needs help and his saying he doesn't need it is false. He needs something. You have been supportive and understanding, but at some point, he needs to really work on this and that does not mean lashing out at those around him.

i just want to give you a big hug and watch some Judge Judy with you.

[bab]

Feb 26, 2013 23:17:37 GMT -5 @sloanpeterson said:

much damn work

MY Dh and I got into a huge fight tonight. I can't get into too much but i am so fuking pissed at this guy.  I love him and hate him right now. I left tonight at 7pm and got home at 10 30.  My own fault i was hoping for a text call something that is all  "I love you come home" NOTHING.

crib notes are that he says the house is a mess, goes on to some other things about ME personally that hurt me and i left. I went to my friends house.  He didn't even care where I was or if I was okay. I came home several hours later and he is sound asleep. didn't even care.

THIS PISSES ME OFF

I remember you posting recently that you had a similar fight with your H.  Didn't he even put the baby in your bed so you could not come to sleep?  Forgive me if I am confusing you with another person. 
I hope you guys can work through this.  It sounds like the stresses in you life are taking a toll on the both of you. 

[cheeseandcrackers]

It really makes me mad that you are on bedrest and he is pissed at you for not keeping the house sparkling clean.. WTF? Why can't he clean and help you out? Being at work all day is not an excuse. And the whole you being filthy thing but taking a shower every other day.. screw that. If it was once a week or something I would understand, but every other day? Screw him.

[pantsparty]

Feb 27, 2013 9:36:47 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Here's the thing, he is not dealing with his mom's death at all. I am not saying it should be easy, because it isn't, but it also should not become something where you became an asshole to your family.

Yes. Grieving is not an excuse to be a jerk, and you shouldn't accept that.

[chickadee77]

Glad it sounds like you're communicating better. Grief is no excuse for him being a dick. It's tough, though. I turned into a bit of a mess every anniversary of my mom's passing, and while it got better every year, it wasn't BETTER better until year nine or ten. My H just lost his dad, and was markedly better after the one year mark. This is not to excuse his behavior; but, honestly, him being dickish for a couple of days around this time of year might be the way his grief manifests, and if you can identify that, it might help you in years to come. It's not right, and not fair, but it might just be the way it is.

I think you're right to make him accountable for it, and to demand an apology when this shit is misdirected at you. You sound like you've been (and still are) understanding and supportive, and it sucks that people take their emotions out on the people that are their support. Hang in there - this, too, shall pass!

[ering1115]

Feb 27, 2013 9:26:58 GMT -5 @sloanpeterson said:

Can't really justify the cleaning person. My kids have been doing chores and the house is MESSY.. we have two kids and I can't keep up with it. And DH is awesome about cleaning up.

Honestly I think that he is frustrated with his feelings of missing his mom and other things, and instead of a healthy way of talking about it he lashes out with stupid stuff. the house is filthy.. give me a break. its messy... I would't live in filth.

Thanks for all the support. I appreciate you guys so much. I would be lost with you. I know that sounds crazy since I haven't met you guys in person but I loved ML gals so much before but I have a new appreciation now that I am home all the time. HUGS TO YOU ALL

Tell your DH that everyone feels better after a good angry clean, its like makeup sex but more productive.  My house is typically spotless where you could eat off of my floor when I am pissed off.  He needs to channel that anger into productivity

Hugs.  Hopefully he figures out a way to deal with his grief because you and the baby NEED all of him right now.  It is your job to keep that baby inside and it is his job to make that as easy as possible for you. 

If you can't swing a cleaning lady, is there family or friends who could help with that or make you guys dinners or something?

[lelolopa]

I was thinking, WTH why is she not showering every day, until I read you are on bed rest.... Him grieving is ok, but him grieving and in a process hurting you is NOT OK. Sorry to hear that!

I am catholic and there was a period of time my grandmothers were in my dreams. I went to church, and had masses in their intentions. Dreams stopped. Tell your husband, to organize a mass in his mom's memory.

Tell him he cannot project his anger onto you, especially now. Most likely he can't control his feelings and cannot control your health, so he would like to control something, like perhaps having a clean house. The last time I heard men are also capable of cleaning. Make your husband help, at least now while you are by doctors orders on bed rest.

Good luck to you!

[mamasaurus]

He needs to get his ass in grief counseling. You cannot allow your grief to negatively impact all of your other relationships. He's acting very ball-smashable right now.

[Deleted]

Sloan, everything I would say has been said already, I just came in to offer you some ((Hugs))

[chalupabatman]

Feb 26, 2013 23:32:58 GMT -5 @sloanpeterson said:

hahah Kuus he is a smart guy for sure. Not the worst fight ever but I feel needy and I wish he would just be kinder

You need to tell him this.  You also need to tell him you understand he is stressed, anxious, upset about the anniversary of his Mom's death and you will always listen, but he can't take it out on you by hitting below the belt.

Lay out some things you need and have him lay out some things he needs.  

[chalupabatman]

I became very type A and judgmental while not dealing with my grief over my Mom's death. I felt like I needed to be fine and perfect and emotionally support everyone else, so I totally swallowed and hid my own feelings. Grief counseling can definitely help him.

[Deleted]

Feb 27, 2013 9:37:26 GMT -5 bab said:

Feb 26, 2013 23:17:37 GMT -5 @sloanpeterson said:

much damn work

MY Dh and I got into a huge fight tonight. I can't get into too much but i am so fuking pissed at this guy.  I love him and hate him right now. I left tonight at 7pm and got home at 10 30.  My own fault i was hoping for a text call something that is all  "I love you come home" NOTHING.

crib notes are that he says the house is a mess, goes on to some other things about ME personally that hurt me and i left. I went to my friends house.  He didn't even care where I was or if I was okay. I came home several hours later and he is sound asleep. didn't even care.

THIS PISSES ME OFF

I remember you posting recently that you had a similar fight with your H.  Didn't he even put the baby in your bed so you could not come to sleep?  Forgive me if I am confusing you with another person. 
I hope you guys can work through this.  It sounds like the stresses in you life are taking a toll on the both of you. 

I don't think so. We don't have a baby.  Not yet.. haha
I had a seriously long assed talk wtih him and I told him he needs to talk to someone.  Try it and if we don't feel its helping he can stop but that I have got to get him doing something bc I can't take these mood swings.  he reluctantly agreed.

And for those who said is this his MO no not usually. I am probably one of the luckiest women in the world.  We have like one blow up a year. this is ours.  He gets moody around the time of his mom's death. which I get. 

Not giving him a pass by any means. 

[Deleted]

mofongo yes that was us with the cell phone. Way past that. no big deal. He saw I was right and his dad isn't on our plan anymore.