Therapy gurus

[quinny]

I typically keep relationship stuff out of the boards, because my life is perfect. No. Because K would be offended if I was airing out our troubles in a public place for all the world to read. But with all the therapy talk lately, I'm wondering what y'all would do in my situation.

K and I get along great. We are almost always on the same page with our day-to-day life and parenting decisions and our future. We never fight and work amazingly as parents and friends. But our relationship, since having N is not only not on the back burner, I'm not sure it's even in the kitchen. I know this has to do with not having a sitter for N and his not STTN (which results in me sleeping in his room) and extended nursing. We have in depth conversations about it and acknowledge we need to get moving on finding us again before the baby comes but I'm not sure how to jump start after so long. We're going to start having semi regular babysitters and thought we were going to transition him to sleeping alone over feb break but he had a stomach bug and was up from 12-5 a few nights in a row, so it didn't happen.

What would you/ did you do, after bringing home a baby, to rekindle your relationship? Therapy? Or just focus on date nights and sleep training (to sleep alone)? It's hard, being a SAHM. I'm a mom 24/7. I don't even know who I am anymore, never mind who I am with K. I'm mom all the time. It feels like we have to start back at the beginning which is exciting and scary. I'm not worried about our relationship yet, I love her more today than I did when prebaby but I know if we don't work on this now, it could be a serious problem later.

Thoughts? I think we just need to get a hotel for the weekend, get drunk and have crazy sex for three days but clearly that's not going to happen anytime soon! Would therapy help here? Or do you think, talking about it and having date nights and making an effort is enough?

This isn't all about sex. We have sex, it's just not the same. It's more about connecting the way we use to, as something different than parents.

[ct]

A few thoughts...
- Once becoming parents, I don't think it ever goes back to what it used to be. so its not so much about connecting the way you used to, as finding a new type of connection that is just as fulfilling. slight play on words, i know, but i think its an important distinction. Also, it's okay to mourn the loss of what was. I know I have.
- I do think its valuable to implement some changes on your own before going to therapy, only because it will save you time and money. the therapist will ask what you've tried. If you say nothing s/he will surely start out with what you suggest here, and then be a sounding board for what works or doesn't work and address any deeper issues that arise.
- that being said, don't wait too long. If you implement changes and still aren't seeing results, go to a therapist. It doesn't have to be some major issue that you address...just a tune-up for something that isn't quite running right. And therapy, at least for us, is a really great time and space for that re-connection you are seeking.
- one of the biggest things I had to do was take responsibility. I think i've changed much more as a mom than she has. *I* am the uber attached one for whom motherhood has changed my entire life and being. And that's okay - I don't regret that and I do expect DW to be okay with that (she is) - but because of those reasons, I had to put in more of an effort than she did. And a big part of that was taking a better hold of who I am now; working on myself and my identity so I had a good sense of all that I still had to offer her.

/stream of consciousness good luck hon! I know it's hard.

[quinny]

As always CT, you nailed it. You're right, and we have talked about how much we've changed (me much more than her) and how reconnecting means learning how to connect as two new people rather than picking ip where we left off and think that makes it so scary and hard, because where do you start? It's a strange idea, to reintroduce yourself to your wife. And even scarier, what if it doesn't work? Maybe it's better to keep your head in the sand and be happy for all you have

I think in order for this to work, I really need to figure out who I am before I can expect her to understand who I am. I think my job is going to help get the ball rolling. Because of his sleeping problems, I never left his side for the first year or so. He had colic and reflux and insomnia. I was the only person who could soothe him, no matter how hard K tried, and because of it, I stopped seeing friends, going to the gym, everything. I feel like I'm waking up, out of a haze, just in time to slip right back in.

I love being a mom. I'm not complaining about the changes, I don't want to come off wrong. The me I am now, is a million times better than than the me I was before Noah. I can't wait for the next baby, we both can't, I just don't want to accidentally lose sight of K in the process.

[twomoms2twins]

CT this helped me so much THANK you ... I feel same as QUINNY... That is how it started for us then fighting and ... we do LOVE each other and are IN LOVE and dont want to be with anyone else (we talk about this a lot since i feel in ept in the sex dept.

I have a few friends who scared me about therepy and said it actually made it worse by bringing up stuff .. so I was looking but now I am kinda slow on the go granted more couples I know say positive things than not I am still afraid ... But we are trying to redefine ourselves and trying to get a sense of who I am also ... oddly i thought loosing 150+ would make me wanna screw anything but - not so- gonna get the hormones checked.

Anyhow, Good luck QUINNY and THANK YOU CT !!!

[hensmum]

I agree with CT - try working on it on your own for a while, and if things don't start to feel better, then think about getting into therapy.

Date nights, date nights, date nights, and things for yourself. Date nights need to happen often. Especially as N gets older, and #2 comes in to the picture. C and I need date nights just so we can have an uninterrupted conversation at a time of day that we aren't both exhausted! It is really hard to get "couple" time with a toddler around. And you are totally right about your job - I didn't think I was really ready to work before, but I can't tell you how amazing it feels now to have some "my own stuff!" I toooooootally understand what you are saying about not even knowing who you are. And it IS scary. But the longer you wait to try to include K in your personal changes, the harder it will be to catch her up. I started to feel like I was a completely different person, and that maybe that person wasn't compatible with C (talk about scary!), but once we made time for each other, made that time to connect 1-1, whether having sex, going to dinner, or whatever, she slowly got a chance to catch up. I still feel like a work in progress - but now she's on the same page with me, you know?

The sleep thing makes it really, really hard. I wouldn't put any blame on nursing, because now that things have improved with C and I, Hen's nursing is a total non-issue. She actually seems to enjoy seeing us nurse now, and it sometimes becomes family snuggle time But the sleep? That's a fucking hard one. Especially if you're the one pulling all the weight. What has helped us, is getting C more involved in the sleep training. For 2+ years, Hen wouldn't accept C's comfort at night. You know how we got him to accept her? By not giving him a choice. The more time he spent with her during the day, and the more time she was the only one around at night (we actually pretended that I was leaving for the night and I would sleep in the basement, haha), the more he came to accept her comfort. That made us a team on the sleep front, and gave her wayyyyy more empathy and understanding of what I was going through as the 24/7 primary parent. Now, he still prefers me, but his bond with C is soooo much stronger. And actually, he goes down at night time easier for her than for me now!

Okay, this is a lot of typing, haha. Also, C and I would be happy to hang out with N on the weekend if you guys ever want to have a brunch/lunch date, followed by playdate at our house Having one of Henry's friends over is a fun weekend activity for us

[rikkiandjulie]

I think therapy can be extremely scary. I was terrified, which is why it took my so damn long. :-( However, now that I'm in therapy (individual and couples). There's HUGE improvements. I've only heard of therapy not helping one couple, a d that was the couple who didn't want it to work. Quinny it sounds like you are doing a lot right, maybe therapy will help you express ways to reconnect more.


Rikki-iPhone

[quinny]

I haven't finished reading everything but I wanted to jump in and say nursing= hormone changes= lack of sex drive. It's not physically nursing, K loves it and encourages me to try to do tandem, like I hope to, it's the sex drive kill that I was referring too, but I wasn't clear

[quinny]

Thanks B! I think we should trade off sitting/play dates/ adult time on the weekends! It's a great idea! K sleeps with him on the weekends so I can sleep. Its been a life changer. He's completely fine with either if us now, it's just that we're never in the same fucking room!!

[hensmum]

Got it on the nursing - hope that didn't come off as finger waving, haha - that's not what I meant

Not being in the same bed sucks. I feel ya sister.

And we can totally do babysitting trades

[quinny]

oh it didn't at all! I just realized it sounded like I was blaming nursing for all my woes, when I meant my crazy hormones.

[thiswillbe]

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice, so I'll just add a couple things (all my own; I'll let S weigh in on her own if she wants to):

I would take some time to think about *why* your relationship (and by what you describe, I'm reading "intimacy" of many forms) is on the back burner. If it's lack of time and general inattention to that part of your relationship, then yeah, work on it yourselves a bit. If it's that resentment (however slight) has built up over time and is driving a wedge between you (no matter how tiny or invisible), then maybe a therapist's office would be a good, safe place to begin to disentangle those resentments.

More on DIY rekindling...
For us, DIY rekindling takes two things: 1) making time for us to be alone together (babysitters; putting kids to bed then sneaking out of their room and spending a little time together before they wake up and come to our bed; etc.) and 2) *paying attention* during the times that we are alone together.

The paying attention piece is really important for us. It takes one of us actively moving to be more intimate with the other (so, not just sitting on the couch watching TV together, but asking if we could put our head on the other's lap [or vice versa] while we watch TV; not just talking about what the plan is for getting out the door tomorrow but talking about how our days were, what's going on at work, etc.). Remembering to kiss each other in the morning when we get up and in the evening before we go to bed. It's very easy for us to get in our king-size bed and go to sleep on our respective edges without touching (after all, the kids will be sleeping in between us soon anyway, right?), but a little harder to remember to lay together in the middle of the bed and cuddle, even if it is just for 20 or 30 minutes.

For me, it was important to know, too, that I could make mild advances towards S without her going "yay! she's ready to go! let's jump into bed!" Spelling it out was a little awkward, but helpful in the slow rekindling of a comfortable sex life.

[ct]

Feb 27, 2013 16:40:35 GMT -5 thiswillbe said:

For me, it was important to know, too, that I could make mild advances towards S without her going "yay! she's ready to go! let's jump into bed!" Spelling it out was a little awkward, but helpful in the slow rekindling of a comfortable sex life.

This made me chuckle. I often have to clarify in advance for DW if i want to make out or make out.

[Deleted]

Feb 27, 2013 17:24:39 GMT -5 ct said:

Feb 27, 2013 16:40:35 GMT -5 thiswillbe said:

For me, it was important to know, too, that I could make mild advances towards S without her going "yay! she's ready to go! let's jump into bed!" Spelling it out was a little awkward, but helpful in the slow rekindling of a comfortable sex life.

This made me chuckle. I often have to clarify in advance for DW if i want to make out or make out.

Ugh, I need lessons in this area, or maybe J needs lessons... Sex is not a good topic for us these days, we have lots of disagreements about how/when to get it started, what we should do if one of us isn't into it that night, etc.

[joymseattle]

Sounds like lots of good advice so far.
I will add/echo that this is a bit topic for us (perhaps moreso in my mind than in reality), but so much so that I got this book.

[quinny]

Thanks for your input/ things to think about. TWB, your response had me thinking way into the night. The resentment issue is interesting. I know, for me, there is no resentment. she is my best friend. We do everything you mentioned above: lay on each other while watching TV, kiss good night, talk about our days, etc. but I wonder if there is resentment in her end. I changed much more than her and it seems she's been patiently waiting for me to find my way out of this fog. I asked her last night and she said, emphatically no, but the more I think about it, the more I think I would have different feelings, had I been the one who was waiting. Not to say she hasn't changed, she has, majorly, but not the same. I look back at the last year and its a baby blur. She was successful in her job and started new activities. It blows my mind.

This conversation has helped me more clearly define what is going on. I think we are both missing what we had and haven't come to terms with how it will never be the same. We were the couple everyone said was meant for each other, perfectly compatible. Every aspect of our relationship was spot on and now 90% of it is. We still snuggle and say I love you (and mean it) and compliment one another and kiss and touch randomly and hold hands in the car but something has changed and I think CTs comment about how it will never be the same, is what we have to focus on. We have to find some alone time to do the things we used to do, alone!, to feel a little more normal and realize that we'll never be the couple we used to be. And have sex more.

Thanks everyone!