Friend Advice Needed

[wkatie]

Can you be friends with someone that doesn't approve of your lifestyle and/or life choices?

I have a more-than-acquaintance/less-than-close friend that is very different than me.  She is a very christian, very conservative, SAHM.  I am none of those things.  She is totally fun to be around and whenever we see each other, I truly have a great time with her.  I am currently working with her on a baby shower we are co-hosting (with two others) for a mutual friend.  Since we've been seeing a bit more of each other, I decided to read her blog the other day.  She had a link to another blog post that day, which was the most sexist, horrible, bashing working moms post that I have ever seen.  She (my friend) called it "beautiful" and just had to share it.  The blog post indicated that she hopes her daughters know that they need to put their children first, and that children "aren't meant to be raised in a pack by strangers," men need to be providers, so sons, listen up - that's you, etc, etc.  Throw in three big long pro-life paragraphs and you get the idea. 

Am I overly sensitive to this? Why would she want to be friends with me if my choices are so bad that she doesn't want her daughter to grow up to be like me?  And what about her kids' teachers, nurses, etc that are working moms?  You know, because according to her, it's their own fault they are bad moms, because they should have just married better. 

I don't know, it's just bothering me.  Should I just pretend that I never read it and go about our relationship?  Say something to her, i.e. try to give her a different perspective?  Just quit thinking about it and get back to work?  WDMLT?

[Deleted]

If it's only a surface friendship, I think you can be friends. I don't think I could have a deeper friendship with someone like that.

[VeryViolet]

I don't know if I can provide you an answer because it is really something you need to decide for yourself if you can accept and still be friends with her. I am not sure that I could just get over it and continue to be friends with her because I would feel judged even if it wasn't spoken. Did she write the blog post or just link to it? I am not sure if it makes a difference I am just curious. Also, I am honestly a little surprised that she is so into her beliefs and isn't doing even a little proselytizing to you that has not usually been my admittedly limited experience.

[ECB]

I agree that I couldn't be super close to someone like this.  But the key here for me is that she hasn't made this an issue in her day to day life/ in your friendship.  She has her views, but she keeps them separate from her friendship w/ you.  You didn't know any of this, did you, until you read her blog - right? 

Is she judging you?  Who knows.  Maybe.  Or maybe she feels strongly about this for HERSELF and when she sees people who agree - she's vocal about it.  But she doesn't care what other people choose to do for themselves.

Who knows- you know her, we don't! 

[soozy87]

Yes, it is possible. I have friends who disagree with my views on a few issues. We just don't talk about those things or we choose to live and let live.

[livinitup]

Sometimes, I enjoy posts or blogs that are much more severely opinioned than I am. On an occasional topic, I like to read something I agree that goes to the extreme. I'd probably get a kick out of a super-pro working mom article, even though I enjoy a much more balanced approach in my personal life. I doesn't mean I don't think SAHM is a great choice for other women.

Ask her. She put it out there. If she is offensive, don't educate her - but do believe her and respond accordingly.

[wkatie]

She just linked to the blog post.

Nic, I agree with you on being friends with others who have different opinions, if they are non-judgmental. I'm not sure she falls into that category. And ECB, you are right, she hasn't made it a big deal in day to day life. I only really know these views from her blog. Although, she did make a comment that she was surprised that I was planning on going back to work after my second child is born.

I just see her a lot and was upset (I guess, for lack of a better word) by her post. Like she thinks I am a bad mom, but she's willing to overlook it at dinner parties, etc.

[So_Fetch]

Is it possible to have a conversation with her about it? Maybe she doesn't realize that she's alienating people that she likes? It's one thing to think your lifestyle is the best while still being respectful. Maybe she didn't realize that. I'd mention it to her that you were put off and really hurt that she sees you that way and see what she says.

[lime]

IDK, this would be very hard for me. Of course, you have to decide what works best for you.

Anti-choice is one of my hot buttons. If you don't respect my right to my body, I don't really want to be in the same space as you.

[ECB]

Feb 28, 2013 12:35:16 GMT -5 wkatie said:

I only really know these views from her blog. Although, she did make a comment that she was surprised that I was planning on going back to work after my second child is born.

I just see her a lot and was upset (I guess, for lack of a better word) by her post. Like she thinks I am a bad mom, but she's willing to overlook it at dinner parties, etc.

Why are you taking it personally, like she posted that about YOU?  I'm not saying this to be snarky- I'm asking a genuine question.  You saw a link on her blog that you only found because you were looking, and now you're taking it as a judgement on you personally.  I'm really not sure why. 

And as to her making a comment about you going back to work.... so?  Sure, that may be her strong views seeping in to her life w/ you, or maybe you said something once, a long time ago, that made her think you might quit...  

If you want to talk to her about her views and get a better sense, go for  it.  But I wouldn't approach it from a "i'm upset - I'm taking this personally" because so far, nothing about her views seem to be  personal to you.

[thebuddhagouda]

I think if it's never come up before, there's probably a good chance you can continue things as they were. I wouldn't bring it up, but if she did I would tell her my opinion as politely as I could. You shouldn't have to pretend you agree with her to play nice, but I don't think you have to be inherently confrontational either.

[chalupabatman]

I don't know that her comments are about you personally. They represent her opinion, but it doesn't necessarily mean she is judging you. Also, if she is judging you, its for a decision that you made and believe is in the best interest of yourself and your children. So what if her view is different? Its not her place to make the decision for you. I KNOW my boss thinks women belong at home caring for children. He knows that if I have kids I won't be staying home with them. I disagree with his opinion, he disagrees with mine. If she isn't forcing her opinion on you, talking about this in front of you, talking about you to other people, I think you can let it go. Whether you want to is another question. Also, if you do discuss with her, be open minded. Don't set out to convince her she is wrong, but figure out where she is coming from. Personally, I don't bother to discuss this subject with people who feel that way. They have their opinions formed, I disagree, I doubt I'm going to change their opinion as I know they won't change mine.

[snipsnsnails]

You should talk to her about it. Approach it in a friendly, non-confrontational way and start the dialogue. I think a friendship is possible, but only when both people go in with eyes wide open and tact and kindness on the forefront.

[Deleted]

Eek. I'm not sure I could get over someone being that openly judgmental of me. Different values are one thing; intolerance of differing values is quite another.

[wkatie]

Feb 28, 2013 13:06:57 GMT -5 ECB said:

Feb 28, 2013 12:35:16 GMT -5 wkatie said:

I only really know these views from her blog. Although, she did make a comment that she was surprised that I was planning on going back to work after my second child is born.

I just see her a lot and was upset (I guess, for lack of a better word) by her post. Like she thinks I am a bad mom, but she's willing to overlook it at dinner parties, etc.

Why are you taking it personally, like she posted that about YOU?  I'm not saying this to be snarky- I'm asking a genuine question.  You saw a link on her blog that you only found because you were looking, and now you're taking it as a judgement on you personally.  I'm really not sure why. 

And as to her making a comment about you going back to work.... so?  Sure, that may be her strong views seeping in to her life w/ you, or maybe you said something once, a long time ago, that made her think you might quit...  

If you want to talk to her about her views and get a better sense, go for  it.  But I wouldn't approach it from a "i'm upset - I'm taking this personally" because so far, nothing about her views seem to be  personal to you.

I honestly don't know why I'm taking it so personally. Pg hormones? Ha. It may be because in our social circle there really are very few WM's. Like maybe 10%.   More likely, it's because I got to see how she really feels about my (and others who are similar) choices, even though she doesn't mention it directly to me. 

[papie]

I would have a casual friendship, but not get overly involved. Unless she says that crap around you, in which case I would cut it or call her out on it.

Different situation, but I made some friends during my last maternity leave. Our babies were all born in the summer. And basically here, the norm is that daycares work like schools, they take babies in september. So they all extended their 1 year leave to 13-15 months, in order to go all the way to september. I cut mine short and went back to work at 8 months, with a part time nanny. She started going on and on in front of me on how it makes so much more sense to extend your leave, and how the babies are way too young for daycare, and why would anyone rush back to work. I snapped saying "well, everyone is different" and was cold for a few months. Now we are back to being closer.

[lime]

Stella said this better than I did. This would be about her lack of tolerance, even if she hadn't openly judged me.

[vanillacourage]

One of my best friends is very socially conservative - very religious, doesn't think gays should marry, believes that those who don't go to church are going to hell, etc.  We have sort of gotten into it in the past (especially at this most recent election, it was a little tense for a bit) but now we just totally avoid conversation about political and social issues, which is actually easy because otherwise we have a lot in common. 

Now, my friend does not specifically pass judgement on me or my choices, so I would have a hard time being friends with the person from your example who you know secretly considers you to be a bad wife and mother.  Maybe coffee friends and no more.