Bio- can I be nosy?

[bugandbibs]

I was thinking about your IF problems, and I wondered a few things.

Does the fact that your SIL is popping out babies like tic tacs bother you? I mean, is it hard for you emotionally for you to deal with? You don't seem like one of those "it's all about me types", but I would imagine it would get tough.

And second, is your husband getting any closer to getting SA done? What is his hang up? It seems pretty basic after having IF for so long. Is it an ego thing?

Feel free to tell me to mind my own damn business. I was just wondering.

[biomaj5]

After she announced the 3rd pregnancy at Christmas in 2008, I cried almost the entire way home (it's a 4hr drive, btw). That was only after we'd been trying for ~6 months, so I still hadn't built up the defenses at that point. I had very little sympathy when she was complaining over labor day weekend 2010 about how long it took her to get KU between #3 and #4. Luckily I kept my mouth shut. 2 of my SILs (Ivanna included) know that we're having problems, but they don't know much beyond that. Unless they've told the ILs, the ILs don't know. My MIL made a comment last Christmas that my cooking skills would improve when I have kids. Either she's just not thinking or she doesn't know.
I've avoided saying this because I realize that it could be offensive, but Ivanna married a Mexican dude. She's said that he wants her to continually have children as quickly as possible. One of them put the age 32 limit on it, not sure which. So I do feel a little bit sympathetic towards her because it doesn't seem that she's really been given much a choice in the matter. Her kids are:
Chico-10/26/06 (real name Quatermo-the whole family calls him Chico)
America-11/18/07
Isaiah-7/13/09
Celeste-05/25/11

It does bother me sometimes. It's unlikely that her next pg announcement will get me though because I'm expecting it, kwim? I'm much better at dealing with it if I know it's coming. Seeing kids at walmart doesn't bother me much because I expect them to be there. Surprise church series promos covering IF will make me cry immediately.

As for DH, it hasn't been discussed recently. I was getting towards bringing it up again when he had the car wreck. I didn't think it was wise to bring it up while we're wondering what to do about another car, kwim? Sometimes he'll show signs of going towards it, like when he asked me for my dr's name again for the referral. Other times, he'll say that his paycheck is short (when I know it's not). He's avoiding it, and I'm pretty sure that he thinks that if he just ignores it long enough, it'll go away and we'll magically get KU. Right now, I'm going to try to let it slide for a bit longer. We are in debt payoff mode, so we can just have sex on a schedule for a few more months (can you tell that I am fairly certain that it'll be pointless?). Around September, I'm going to bring it up again. Although every time someone mentions it or if I start thinking about it too much, I end up bringing it up with him sooner than I'd planned. That ends in a fight about half of the time.

It gets very frustrating. People tell me to give him an ultimatum, but what am I going to do? Kick him out of the house? I can't stop making him food-I barely cook as it is. Kicking him out of bed won't work. Since all we have is TTC sex, it's a bit counter-productive to stop that. He'll come around eventually, or we won't have kids. I'm debating asking him if we should just go straight to adoption or foster care if he doesn't want to do testing.

[biomaj5]

Jun 4, 2012 14:10:12 GMT -5 bugandbibs said:

You don't seem like one of those "it's all about me types"

Thanks for that. With all of the AWing I do on TN to try to keep the board moving, I worry a lot that people think I'm very self-centered.

[bugandbibs]

It makes sense that the surprises are harder to deal with. I was thinking about how I would deal with it, and it just seemed really agonizing.

Not that you asked , but if I were you I would set a date with YH to have testing done and save the money without telling him. Then when the time comes there are no excuses.

I don't think any of us regs think you are an AW whore. We understand that you are actively trying to keep a slow board moving. It one of the things I like about you

[biomaj5]

Any newb looking at the board today would probably disagree lol. That could be entertaining, you know. We haven't even had a good MUD post lately.

I have enough money in my savings account to pay for it. Perhaps I should set an Aug 1 deadline to make the appt on his own or I make it for him. I've explained to him that doing the SA does not mean that we are moving on to IVF the next day. We have to do the SA, then I have to do an HSG, then we figure out what to do next. More than likely, the next step is saving money for an IUI, unless we pick foster care. In which case we'd probably still save. I do want to at least make an effort to get KU, even if we do adopt. But we have to have those answers before we can proceed. Maybe I should make him a (much less sarcastic) flowchart like I did for the girl who couldn't figure out how to work the pipette tip boxes.

[jenna]

(butting in)
Bio - I don't think you're an AW. I just think you're trying to get the board moving.

_
Sorry your H isn't fully on board with testing.

[gogadgetgo]

1st thing: ((hugs)) I'm sorry you're having to go thru all of this.

2nd: I've always thought you have a great attitude about life. You may bitch and moan but I think it's less than most people (definitely less than me) and you're always quick to be supportive.

3rd: I like that you're an AW

[biomaj5]

I guess I've seen too many people (two in particular, but ya'll probably won't know who they are) get so involved in IF that they shut down. I have times where it absolutely gets to me. I don't go to church on Mother's day, or when I know that they're doing baby dedications. I can't watch the movie Up. But there's this quote in one of the HP books: It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live (Dumbledore). That was in gnome's siggy once, and I try to remember it when I start wallowing. On the other hand, I've built up a lot of defense mechanisms over time. I almost always hide posts on FB as soon as someone announces that they're pg. I sort of avoided our secretary after she announced that she was pg. But if I have something else to focus on, like paying down our debt, I'm usually ok. PMS days will almost always get me, and sometimes there are random emotion sneak attacks. Maybe this part is acceptance? I'm not sure. I will not be ok with not having children, but we're not quite to the danger zone of having to either immediately do testing, adopt, or give up. That's still about 4-5 years away.

What's sort of funny is that I consider myself a pessimist. Some of my defense mechanisms, like telling myself that I'd be a terrible mother and that kids are a disgusting annoyance, aren't very happy ones. Have to keep that hope in check, or it'll tear you down. But you still need it. Another thing: I'd bet money that I'll have a panic attack if I get a BFP. I may die of a heart attack right there in the bathroom lol.

[bugandbibs]

Clearly I'm a fan of adoption AND getting knocked up. I think it's valid to say that you aren't okay with not having kids. I wouldn't have been either. My best friend and her fiancé broke up over the issue. I know you have been struggling a long time- I'm sorry. I wish I had some amazing, uplifting words of encouragement but I'm not that talented. You have to keep living the life you have and working towards the life you want.

[purrbox]

Jun 4, 2012 17:10:42 GMT -5 jenna said:

(butting in)
Bio - I don't think you're an AW. I just think you're trying to get the board moving.

_
Sorry your H isn't fully on board with testing.

:Y:

[biomaj5]

An update:

I knew I wouldn't be able to resist asking DH about the SA if I was thinking about it. He said he'd been thinking about it too. I told him that the people there do nothing but SAs and the like, and that they're not going to remember him. He said he was holding back because he doesn't have enough time (insert eyeroll here). I offered to make the appt for him, and he said that would be ok. He said he'd let me know when he wants me to make it. I told him that I would be very happy if he wouldn't wait until August to tell me.

[purrbox]

Jun 7, 2012 12:41:07 GMT -5 biomaj5 said:

An update:

I knew I wouldn't be able to resist asking DH about the SA if I was thinking about it. He said he'd been thinking about it too. I told him that the people there do nothing but SAs and the like, and that they're not going to remember him. He said he was holding back because he doesn't have enough time (insert eyeroll here). I offered to make the appt for him, and he said that would be ok. He said he'd let me know when he wants me to make it. I told him that I would be very happy if he wouldn't wait until August to tell me.

Sounds like progress!

[biomaj5]

Jun 7, 2012 21:50:23 GMT -5 purrbox said:

Jun 7, 2012 12:41:07 GMT -5 biomaj5 said:

An update:

I knew I wouldn't be able to resist asking DH about the SA if I was thinking about it. He said he'd been thinking about it too. I told him that the people there do nothing but SAs and the like, and that they're not going to remember him. He said he was holding back because he doesn't have enough time (insert eyeroll here). I offered to make the appt for him, and he said that would be ok. He said he'd let me know when he wants me to make it. I told him that I would be very happy if he wouldn't wait until August to tell me.

Sounds like progress!

Yes and no. He will likely wait a while to bring it up again. Even though I'm making the appt, I'm still waiting on him to tell me he's ready for me to make an appt.

[Kristinmo]

I wish he would just let you make the appointment for him now. Sorry this is so hard.

[bugandbibs]

Jun 8, 2012 10:57:18 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

I wish he would just let you make the appointment for him now. Sorry this is so hard.

I would just make the appointment. Tell him you called to ask about availability (how far in advance you needed to make the appointment), and they just made one for you. Even if he's a little pissy about it, he will probably still go.

[mrssweatheifer]

Jun 4, 2012 22:59:32 GMT -5 biomaj5 said:

I guess I've seen too many people (two in particular, but ya'll probably won't know who they are) get so involved in IF that they shut down.

I know who you are talking about. I really miss one of them. And sometimes I feel that she was brainwashed by the other.

And that's all I'm going to say.

[gnomesweetgnome]

Jun 10, 2012 8:45:12 GMT -5 mrssweatheifer said:

Jun 4, 2012 22:59:32 GMT -5 biomaj5 said:

I guess I've seen too many people (two in particular, but ya'll probably won't know who they are) get so involved in IF that they shut down.

I know who you are talking about. I really miss one of them. And sometimes I feel that she was brainwashed by the other.

And that's all I'm going to say.

I'm with you.