Exes, let's discuss

[clickerish]

E, my wife, has a lot of exes. Generally speaking, I get along with them. However, in recent conversations, she has put forth the idea of one of her exes as godmother. For E, godmother is a huge role since her own godmother is still a major person in E's life This would be why we are having this conversation even before E is actually pregnant. I do not like this proposal, which is causing tension.

Said ex I will call Q. They met; there was attraction; Q almost left her husband for E. In the end, though, Q stayed for her children and social status. Q and I get along. I have even had dinner with Mr. Q. That being said, I don't feel Q and I share the same worldview. One thing is for me not to judge another for their life choices, but another to choose that person for my own child to have a close bond with. Especially when Q and E were once involved even if only technically emotionally.

Am I an ass for not trying to concede some here? E says it's old jealousy, but I am (a) not a jealous person and (b) just feel like we could do with someone without the weird backstory.

[kershnic]

I totally vote for somebody without the weird backstory. If godmother is a big role in the child's life for you guys it should be someone you're both comfortable with.

I'm not much for ex-drama because neither myself nor my wife has any exes of significant note. And in general I'm really not much for drama. But really...be friends with your exes, fine. Expect your spouse to not run from exes in fear, fine. But select an ex as a godmother over your spouse's wishes? Nope.

[2brides]

L broke up with her last ex 16y ago. They are friends on FB, but since L is on FB 3x a year, they don't communicate and we haven't seen her for 11y. She is still friends with her first ex (broke up 27y ago) and we are both friends with her on FB, she came to our wedding, and we visit her when we are in TN. My only ex wasn't a serious relationship (though very emotionally intense for me) and I really cut off contact with her since it made L uncomfortable and it was really too emotionally charged for me to really continue to communicate with her.

That being said, finding the godparent/guardian for your child should be a joint decision in which you both feel comfortable and would be comfortable raising your child should something tragic happened. This was a really difficult thing for us since we don't have family who we would want to put in this position. We ultimately chose a good friend who shares many of the same values as we do, has regular interaction with the boys, and has a great support system.

[ct]

I dont know this person and I'm sorry if this comes off as judgey, but I dont think I would share the same values as someone who decided to stay in a marriage "because of the kids and social status". And someone who doesn't share my key values wouldn't be someone I choose as Godparent to my children.

[bluedaisyus]

I think it's important to find someone that you're BOTH happy with, and I don't think it's very fair or caring of her to try and find reasons why you should give in to her, especially when it seems like she's trying to make you feel guilty about it. That doesn't make it a decision between you, it makes it a demand by her. Ultimately it doesn't really matter what your reasons are or what the backstory is, if it's jealousy or something concrete or if it's just a feeling you have, if you aren't comfortable with her in such an important role in your child's life then you aren't comfortable. Any and all of those are valid reasons to rule her out, IMHO.

[tdm]

Question: why does she want Q to be godmother to your child? Has she given you reasons for this?

(To me, being a godmother is huge. I have two godchildren, 21 and 17, I love immensely. They are godparents to J. I don't think I'd ever choose an ex for that role.)

[clickerish]

Jun 6, 2012 10:27:48 GMT -5 tdm said:

Question: why does she want Q to be godmother to your child? Has she given you reasons for this?

(To me, being a godmother is huge. I have two godchildren, 21 and 17, I love immensely. They are godparents to J. I don't think I'd ever choose an ex for that role.)

I think it's because, for E, Q seems like someone who prioritises family as strange as it sounds. And E wants someone to be godmother who is financially stable, has a good track record of caring for her children and who speaks the languages the child would speak. I see the point, but I just don't feel comfortable with Q.

We have no family, so it has to be friends, many of whom are still in school as we are and not able to care for a child, which makes it a bit more complex.