Mom, what does die mean?

[keyslover]

So I screwed up. I told her not to tie the rope around her sisters neck or she could die. I then quickly tried to say she couldn't breath blah blah blah. Thought we were done.

Few hours later- mom, what does die mean?

How do you handle that question? Especially since no one has actually died and we are not church goers.

Thanks!

[keyslover]

Should add she is going to be 4 at the end of August.

[iamali]

Be super basic.

It means that someone/thing isn't alive anymore. You can't see/hear/smell/taste/give hugs. There are some great age appropriate books on the subject.

[SusanBAnthony]

I did that, and felt awful, but then I decided 4 was old enough to know. And frank
Y, the thing he did (I think it was push dd under the water in a pool to "help" her swim) really could have killed her. And I want him to know that some things are really serious things that could kill people.

We are also non religious, and we just talk about your body stopping working, and you aren't alive anymore, you can't breathe, and you either get buried or cremated. I have explained cremated as being turned into ashes, haven't mentioned the burning part, lol.

Anyway, after that first horrible awkward time, it has been fine. We have talked about bugs dying bc they hit the windshield, and he has made the leap himself that dangerous things can kill you. Like he knows running in the street could get you really hurt, and has asked if you could die, and I say yes, and he is fine with it.

[GailGoldie]

realize that many adults don't truly get what death is - if you haven't experienced it- it's hard to really "get it"...

my son learned about death around 4yo- it's when he started to question who my husband's dad was (he's dead)... so we say he's in heaven with God. He knows that you can die from certain things (drowning, choking, etc).

my twins still only know that batteries die.

[mishap]

We talk about dying sometimes, and I don't think you should be afraid to use it when it's appropriate. DS knows that if something can make you die, it's f-ing serious. It sinks in.

At 4, I think I just said it's what happens to living things when their lives are over and their body doesn't work anymore. I don't compare it to sleeping because I don't want to freak him out about sleeping.

I also say that it usually doesn't happen until people are really old, which I know is not true but there doesn't seem much point going into the cruelty of life unless something prompts such a discussion. Sometimes DS will say, "We all die, but you're not going to die for a really, really long time, right?" (He's 5 now.)

[LauraMoser]

Hmm, DD1 turns 4 tomorrow and she's been on this kick lately saying/asking about different things that can make you die. I think it has something to do with the death of her "Popeye" back in April. He was her step-great-grandfather. (Does that make sense?!) We don't sugarcoat it, but really only give the basics. She seems to understand it okay so far.

[cjeanette]

That is a hard one. DD who will be 4 at the end of this month is having a hard time with it. My grandma died in Feb. She is still expecting her to come out of her grave "like a flower. We put her in the ground, we need to water her so she can come back"

[drloretta]

I'd be honest and age-appropriate, esp if they're doing something dangerous. "When you die, your body stops working and you can't be with people who are alive. Most people die when they're old and their bodies stop working." Etc.

[SusanBAnthony]

Jun 4, 2012 19:59:25 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

That is a hard one. DD who will be 4 at the end of this month is having a hard time with it. My grandma died in Feb. She is still expecting her to come out of her grave "like a flower. We put her in the ground, we need to water her so she can come back"

When our dog died when DS was 3.5, he would.not.drop.it. I was starting to freak out that he was a little too obsessed, if you know what I mean. Plus, I was sick of rehashing the dogs horrible illness! But, every death since then has been no big deal. It's like he had to get it processed through his brain, and now death is not such a big deal.

[RoryGilmore]

Jun 4, 2012 18:40:56 GMT -5 mishap said:

We talk about dying sometimes, and I don't think you should be afraid to use it when it's appropriate.

I agree with this. Granted, I work in end of life care and with grieving children, so my "normal" day-to-day is different and gives me a different perspective on talking about death.

My father died when I was a teen and I tell my son that he has died. Exactly how you explained to your DC is how I explain to mine. Very simple and to the point. You don't want to use euphemisms because it's confusing (such as sleeping and even gone to heaven). You may also hear lots of questions and get asked to explain it again and again -- but it's just his making sense of the world around him.

There are lots of great books out there that talk about death in a child friendly way. I like When Dinosaurs Die and The Invisible String but I mostly use those for grade school kids.

[lmdbww]

Jun 4, 2012 17:46:05 GMT -5 iamali said:

Be super basic.

It means that someone/thing isn't alive anymore. You can't see/hear/smell/taste/give hugs. There are some great age appropriate books on the subject.

I like this answer. DD and my niece just recently asked us what it meant and we told her that it's when you go to sleep and never wake up, and you go to heaven (the girls remember my parent's dog that died a year and a half ago and we told them she is in heaven, so we said that you go to heaven to be with Brandi). They seemed ok with that answer and thankfully it didn't make them afraid to go to sleep. lol

[minzy]

Jun 4, 2012 20:23:37 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

Jun 4, 2012 19:59:25 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

That is a hard one. DD who will be 4 at the end of this month is having a hard time with it. My grandma died in Feb. She is still expecting her to come out of her grave "like a flower. We put her in the ground, we need to water her so she can come back"

When our dog died when DS was 3.5, he would.not.drop.it. I was starting to freak out that he was a little too obsessed, if you know what I mean. Plus, I was sick of rehashing the dogs horrible illness! But, every death since then has been no big deal. It's like he had to get it processed through his brain, and now death is not such a big deal.

I think having animals growing up can be such a great thing - kids learn compassion, responsibility, and when the time comes, how to handle death.

[keyslover]

Thanks everyone. These are all great ways to handle this topic.

I have said there should be a handbook that explains complex concepts in kid terms. Not individual books, but like an encyclopedia