my world just came crashing down

[twomoms2twins]

some of you know the issues my DW has with her family and ALCOHOL.
Well, we have always discussed - if it happens to her or us.. and I have made my stance on the issue very clear to her.
I wont tolerate it, I wont have it and I will take my kids away from her.  She swore up and down in and out she would not become "that way" she would not be like her dad (tho its hereditary)

I have been suspect for a a while - I found a bottle "hiding" i asked and she blamed her dad last trip and said it must have been left over. I gave the benefit of the doubt.  Needless to say, I was looking for sippy cups in our cabinet and I found a half empty bottle of Vodka (SAME MO AS HER DAD- APPLE DOES NOT FALL FROM THE TREE) FUCK ... I lost my shit I went crazy
I kicked her out calmly and said mean things ( i was angry - I donthave 60k to put her through rehab a bazillion time like her mom and dad do ) I wont tolerate this .. and I calmed down we are talking if you call it that.. but I feel like its all my fault and she seems un-phased. I dont get addiction never did ... but i am having a crash course. ( Her dad is back in a PROGRAM been there for 30 days now doing another 30 day this is the 3rd time he has been) I have-no recourse or repercussion for her aside frm the kids (and that makes me feel so ugly) what am i supposed to do I feel like i am dying like i lost the best friend i have and the love of my life.... I HAVE NO NO NO  NOT ONE IODA OF TRUST IN ME.  I am disgusted and sickened.  How am I supposed to be supportive - I am so angry so lost.     I AM SO ANGRY !!!!! and i need help and have no idea what to do where to go.  SO ASHAMED- yet i am not the one with the problem -  Why does she even need to hide a bottle  we have a whoe stocked bar we had bloody Marys  I am so confused.... 

Then she says she drinks because she lost herself, because her life is  wake up work, kids go to sleep ... THAT IS WHAT LIFE IS .... i am so sorry if this is a mish mosh - I am just so lost - I wanna run away with the kids but where. I know i have to stand up to this but I am not sure if I have it in me - I just want it gone ( so easy to just give up it and her ) but i cant and I know I am so angry so nothing is making sense... NOTHING ...

I cried all night and here i am crying now ...I just cry and she seems to have no problem going about her day like nothing even happend ....

I need help ....i cant breath i cant focus and cant think ...

[thiswillbe]

First, take a deep breath! Your kids and your wife need you to slow down and hang on to logic right now. Then find a meeting to go to. I'm sure they'll have lots of good ideas about how to handle this.

So, you say you kicked her out? Where is she? Where are the kids? If you've suspected this for a while and hadn't kicked her out before, I assume you don't think the kids are in harm's way, so please calm down and think through things before cutting her off from them.

Hang in there!

[awkwardpenguin]

I'm sorry you are going through this. TWB has wise advice. You should look for an Al-Anon meeting. They are for families of alcoholics.

You've said in the past you don't understand addiction. Unfortunately, the time has come where you have to learn more about it so you can understand what is going on with DW. It's okay to be angry and it's okay to feel hurt and betrayed. But I think you need to try and understand what is going on for her too. Even if her explanations don't make sense to you, they may as you learn more about addiction and come to understand things better. And I think with some more understanding, you'll also be able to find the strength you need to be supportive and to face this with her.

For now, just try to stay as calm as you can while you two make a plan of what to do next. Maybe you go to an Al-Anon meeting and she goes to an AA meeting. Maybe you go to a couples counselor together to talk it out. Maybe you each go to your own counselor to talk things out, or maybe a combination of the above.

[seattlekari]

(((hugs))) J. I'm so very sorry to hear what's going on. You have gotten good advice already for getting started on figuring out what to do now. Wishing for you the strength to calmly handle the situation and not make any rash decisions. You know how to reach me if you need to talk.

[twomoms2twins]

Mar 11, 2013 14:46:50 GMT -5 thiswillbe said:

First, take a deep breath! Your kids and your wife need you to slow down and hang on to logic right now. Then find a meeting to go to. I'm sure they'll have lots of good ideas about how to handle this.

So, you say you kicked her out? Where is she? Where are the kids? If you've suspected this for a while and hadn't kicked her out before, I assume you don't think the kids are in harm's way, so please calm down and think through things before cutting her off from them.

Hang in there!

after i kicked her out she came groveling back - she has no where to go. Suspected and brought it up to her and each time she told me something  like oh it was hidden from when her dad was here - I dont know if that is true or not but  i made it clear that if I find it again that i am DONE and that it will not be a pretty site.  I dont think the kids are in harms way  but how can i be certain seeing as she is lying and hiding things.  How do I know that if i leave her here to go out that she is not  sneaky with another hidden bottle and or drinking the lysterine  how do i know 100% that she wont be intoxicated that if god forbid there is an emergency she can take care of the kids - SADLY, I dont.  As it is now I can understand why she rarely wakes up at night with a monitor blasting in her ear 1) she is a deep sleeper but 2) she is passed out prolly... She has 110% of my trust and now she has -110.  Unfortunately, the kids are my only leverage and I feel like a compete asshole for that but i can not and will not do the 60k dance her parents do with rehab I will only walk down this path once. I dont have the time or energy for it  honestly I am not really willing to  but I yet i want to try. 

You used the term cutting her off from them... isnt this what she did because she choose a bottle of VODKA over them and me. I dont see how or why i need to cater to her - I have to go to meeting and I have to help her cope and deal and support her and I am ANGRY AS HELL about it  because who the F is gonna help me cope and deal with 2- 20 month olds and maybe that makes me selfish.  i know i am supposed to be supportive and i want to but right at this very moment I cant fathom making an effort.  Why should I help her find herself- on top of managing my life my kids my home and work now I have another ass to wipe so to speak. ( this may be angre talking cuz I am so ANGRY  and when I am not angry I am blobbering crying mess) 

Why would she choose to drink over these two beautiful girls - Its a mantra she has said over and over to her dad - DAMN she is just like her father down to the hiding the booze but at least he waited till he was 75.  I am so disgusted.  

I dont know much about addiction I have been reading and researching ever since we had to get involved with her dad.. and I dont by in to the Disease philosophy. DW used to smoke she quit and over came that - so i think the same can be said for drinking - which now I will never be able to have a drink again and I was just starting to enjoy a drink here and there... i have 0 addictive personality.   

[twomoms2twins]

Mar 11, 2013 16:57:24 GMT -5 seattlekari said:

(((hugs))) J. I'm so very sorry to hear what's going on. You have gotten good advice already for getting started on figuring out what to do now. Wishing for you the strength to calmly handle the situation and not make any rash decisions. You know how to reach me if you need to talk.

we need to do it all. Honestly, I dont really want to (right now) and wish it would all go away but I know I have to be supportive its so hard.  I just have no recourse and that makes me feel helpless.

[katietornado]

So what have you talked about with her since you discovered this? Is she remorseful? Does she admit she has a problem? Does she want help? If the answer to all of this is no, then it's time to move on. The number one rule of addiction is that you can't make an addict not be one. The addict has to be ready to stop. If she's not ready, there's nothing else you can do.

[ballandchain]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have no experience with it so I will just say that I think others have given good advice...I'll be thinking of you.

[awkwardpenguin]

I don't think you should assume that her experience will be the same as her Dad's. And I would guess that since you've made it clear that you have a zero tolerance policy on this, that is part of why she was hiding it. That doesn't make her hiding it right, but it is what it is.

I think you guys need a safe space where you can talk through some of this. It sounds like DW is unhappy and the drinking might be part of that. And your thinking on this seems very black and white, and that's not going to lead to productive, solution-oriented behavior. It also might be good for you to have someone to talk to where you can work through your feelings about this.

For most people, drinking problems build slowly and spiral out of control. I agree with the PP who wondered what her reaction was. Were you able to talk about it calmly, or was there just fighting? Did she admit it was a problem? Did she understand how serious you think this is?

[rikkiandjulie]

I'm really sorry you and your chasten are going through this.

Your wife lied bc she is an addict, however this doesn't mean she can't or won't get better. Your wife isn't the person you used to know, she's fueled by alcohol, however the wan you met you CAN get back.

My mom was a meth addict for 7 years. We gave her one shot to go to rehab or she would have no contact with us. That's was 12 years ago and she's still sober from Drugs AND alcohol. People do change. Her dads pattern may very well not be hers. She is not her dad, don't group them together even if the apple is close to the tree.

Your wife lied to you. This is upsetting you. She's an addict which is hard to swallow as well, however in order for her to get well she needs your support. She can heal, and truly get better. I'd suggest Al-anon. They are great, you can also do counseling as a couple with a drug/alcohol counselor, THIS will help too. Also, there are rehab programs that you CAN afford, that we insurance will cover, or often times the state will cover. Look into all options.

Lastly, I know that you and her were having problems before, maybe since everything has come to a head, it's an opportunity to evaluate and see if you are still happy in this relationship or of you see yourself happy in this when she recovers. This might be something to talk about in counseling.

I know you don't understand addiction and I barely do as well, however maybe giving her one shot of rehab and completing the program, and staying in recovery could be worth it. If she messes up again you are out, I'm biggest advocate of you get ONE chance to fix it, not five just ONE. This could be her chance, and it could also address all the other issues.

Lastly, I know addiction is caused 95% of the time by depression. In treatment they will address this and it could help with other facets as well including the addiction.

Again I am so sorry that you and your children are struggling with this, but please know that we are all here for you, and that no matter what you decide we will support you. Stay strong, and remember that she's sick right now.



Rikki-iPhone

[rikkiandjulie]

Also in regards to you never drinking again, this isn't true. HER actions and addictions are not yours. Maybe at first not drinking around her is a good idea, however not forever. I know several recovering alcoholics that go to happy hours, Las Vegas, family reunions, etc where people are drinking around them and they jut have virgin drinks. My boss is included in this. His wife has a glass of wine at night and he drinks ginger ale because its HIS addiction not hers.


Rikki-iPhone

[twomoms2twins]

Mar 11, 2013 18:46:55 GMT -5 katietornado said:

So what have you talked about with her since you discovered this? Is she remorseful? Does she admit she has a problem? Does she want help? If the answer to all of this is no, then it's time to move on. The number one rule of addiction is that you can't make an addict not be one. The addict has to be ready to stop. If she's not ready, there's nothing else you can do.

She was embarrassed and ashamed I think embarrassed is a weird way to describe but its what she used.  She has not said sorry per se but she did say that she will do what ever it takes to make sure that I know she is DONE and that she will do what she needs to to get me back and the kids.  So far I have not seen her do anything and its been 24 hours.  I have way high expectations - BLACK AND WHITE INDEED.  I have been clear to her on my stance and when we had to support her dad and take time off work and cart our kids to Cali - I made it clear then and she agreed and said she did not understand how he could do this and well basically fed me a line of crap.  She said she wants help and will get it she has not said she is an addict and she barely said she has a problem ( i am the one who keep throwing the words around ) I am being an total and compeate asshole a dick a bastard and I know it and I cant stop  because I am crushed and its how I deal and i feel really bad cuz I know she needs my support but right now I jut need to wrap my head around it.  Me being an asshole is prolly totally counter productive but its like when i was the fat kid i had to make jokes about my self  before someone else did ... its my coping mechanisism till i calm down.

Our talk last night  for a hour or so ( i was drained) she left the kids are sick i did bath and bedtime  alone ... i was a wreck.  so she said she feels like she has lost sense of herself and the hum drum wake up office kids dinner bath bed just got to her and she does not know who she is and has no freedom and she feels stuck and bored. Oh and Its my fault because I dont pay attention to her or tell her she is pretty and because i have intimacy issues ( but she said she understands that )  I am sorry but HER DRINKING IS NOT MY FAULT .... she has had addiction issues b4 me.   So the only time she has t herself is when I go to bed at 11pm and then its clearly cabinet party time ... Ironically, she is an introvert and homebody and I beg for date night but she does not wanna spend the money on sitter and dinner and all that.  She also has trouble putting the kids before her self.  Where in my world MY KIDS come  FIRST and then everything is secondary her me dog family .... but its my kids 1st and that is so weird to me that she does not put the kids 1st. ( another issue - yes there are lots of them) but really the issue and focus is the DRINKING. 

I think we will get past this its sure as hell not gonna happen in a day  or two  - and I need that trust to be brought back up the bar is HIGH NOW.. and i am happy to go to therepy/counseling  but 1st she needs to get the addiction part under way and then we can work on us ...which ironically i have been begging her to go.  She told my uncle that she was afriad to talk to me because I just yell and I am very vocal and loud ... so I kept that at bay which honestly I dont even feel like yelling i am actually more apt to shutting down in this situation like comatose ...  but yes i jab its not fair but I know i do it so i am trying to hold back which just makes me silent.  Now i feel like i have to question her all the time - where were you what were you doing who is that ..i hate it and I feel like she should put for the more effort in getting treatment or counseling or therapy . She said she went to a AA meeting after i kicked her out but it was at a church and she did not like it - UMM DO YOU REALLY HAVE A CHOICE AT THIS POINT was my thought but i just let it go ... seems to me there will always be a excuse for not liking it ... so I sent her a link of groups and then that pissed me off because she should be showing me this and telling me what her plan is .. I need more effort i told her that and she said well i cant show you but I am doing things

The comparison between her DAD and her is astounding - i mean really to the hiding spot and the belligerent and rudeness and projecting the insecurities on to me and type or booze and the pattern - wow but  lucky for her and me  hanging the kids over her head is the motivation here Dad sadly can care less and her mom placates and enables him.

I would like her to go to a rehab  or treatment facility vs AA but I just dont see how that is possible and I dont think she will go for it. I am all about the one shot  and tough love.  Because I know i have the propensity to be sappy and let her walk all over me and then 5 years down the line it happ again and again.  

I feel like she should tell her family but I know she is a sweeper and well I AM ANTI ANTI sweeping things under the rug I can forgive but I am not a forgetter.  and I am so sure many of you are formulating your opinion of me but she knew all of this coming in to the relationship I am not a beat around the bush type no sugar coating. 

Her Aunt is supposed to come visit and i told he that she should tell her Aunt to stay somewhere else  AUNT is a pot head and drinker. M was perplexed as to why she could not stay here so I said .UMM because your an addict who is dealing whith your addiction and you have problem and I dont need that in my house - her reply was welli will tell her not to bring it ... OH ok, so if she does I have to now kick your aunt out and she said noi would tell her to leave ... and i assume its because she does not want her aunt or fam to know about this ...which i disagree with .....but i am not going to tell them ... yes I need them to know so they can be supportive.

SO MUCH GOING ON ....

[livinitup]

Al-Anon isn't for her, it's for you. It's for the family of the alcoholics/addicts. To get support to deal with the anger and everything else you feel. And to get support for the hard stuff, like where she's going to go, how you get her out, if need be. It's for YOU.