If your kid decided to become an expat...

[dulcemariamar]

how would you feel about that?

My mother always says her biggest regret in life was allowing me to study abroad a lot as a teen. I don't think she is joking when she says this.

So how would you feel if your kid, decided to become an expat and moved to the other side of the world?
Would you be okay with it?

[potatopie]

Ha! My parents were the same. I think they breathed a big 'ole sigh of relief when I came home from my summer in Italy without having met anyone.

Little did they know I'd meet my Italian later that winter in Wisconsin!

I would probably hate it as well if my kids wanted to become expats. But DH would love it, and keep me from holding them back.

[CakeLover]

DH and I have talked about this before. We would understand. I'm sure as a mother it's hard but I also don't want my children living right next to me. I want them to see and experience the world and if that unfortunately takes them to the most far points in the world then so be it.

I'm very lucky to have a mom who is as understanding as she is. It's made the distance not so bad. Its only recently in the past 6 months she has made mention of missing us terribly. It's the second pregnancy and one grandson that has made her this way. But it was a good run of two years of no guilt tripping. Before we left she said 'I didn't raise you to live underneath me'. I hope I can say the same to my LOs.

[jupiter2311]

DH and I probably wouldn't have any issues with it. That's coming from 2nd generation expats though, we both grew up overseas and now we're back as adults, so not much our parents can say about it and I don't think there would be much WE could say about it to OUR kids, if that makes sense. I would be perfectly happy if our future child(ren) decided to become an expat.

I would obviously miss them terribly but like gblake said, I would want them to see and experience the world.

[bugabean]

If I wasn't ok with it, I'd be the world's biggest hypocrite. I mean, of course I want to be close to my kids, but I've BEEN THERE. I know first-hand that there are more important things than geographical proximity to family. I know my mom would do anything to get me back in the States, but she also totally loves DH and is glad that I'm happy here. I suspect I'd feel the same way… sad my kid isn't closer and happy she's found whatever amazing opportunity.

[fernane]

I can't say, but I would hope I would encourage it..it would also give me more reason to travel

[Deleted]

I hope I'd be okay with it. Otherwise, that is a bit hypocritical on my part.

[popcorn]

Jun 6, 2012 5:57:03 GMT -5 bugabean said:

If I wasn't ok with it, I'd be the world's biggest hypocrite. I mean, of course I want to be close to my kids, but I've BEEN THERE. I know first-hand that there are more important things than geographical proximity to family. I know my mom would do anything to get me back in the States, but she also totally loves DH and is glad that I'm happy here. I suspect I'd feel the same way… sad my kid isn't closer and happy she's found whatever amazing opportunity.

Yup, this.

Also, my parents love seeing how adventurous and ready to put myself out there I am. They think they raised me well and have never said they regretting letting me leave to go to university in Spain even though it ultimately led to me living permanently in another country.

I hope I'd be okay with it, but I'd still rather not think about it at the moment!

[anna7602]

I'm all for it. I hope to either be retired by then or still have the same work-for-myself-make-my-own-hours life so that I can visit her often or even spend part of the year in her part of the world if she has kids and wants my help.

I actually worry a lot more about how emotionally close my daughter will want to be with us when she's an adult than how geographically close she is. I would be much more devastated if we lived in the same area and she only wanted to have dinner once a month or less, for example.

[aMrsin09]

Well, my grandma offered to send me to the same school in Rome that my mom went to. Mom turned it down. I heard her telling my aunt later "If I she went, that's the last time I'd ever see my daughter".

And, I ended up leaving anyway.

My family is OK with it. I'm the 4th generation to live overseas.

My other grandma is not so OK with it. She fails to see the irony that my great grandparents up and moved the family to the US (and away from the rest of the family), yet she is upset that I have moved to another country and left the rest of the family.

If SD and SS decided to be Aussie expats, we would buy the plane tickets for them and help fund the visas. We want them to get out and explore the world. There is so much more out there then the tiny little towns they have lived in.

[frlcb]

My parents joke about that too, that if they hadn't taken us traveling around the World growing up then maybe I wouldn't have ended up in London, but they are huge travelers so I am sure they weren't serious. I would love our kids to have the opportunity to be expats.

[americaninoz]

I think i would find it hard, but I would understand

[Shreddingbetty]

I would have to be OK with it otherwise I'd be a hypocrite I came to the US at 17 as a college exchange student for a year since I graduated young and my mom.thought that would be a good idea (I did too because it would get me out of NL). I played on the tennis team and they wanted me back after my freshman year and my mom let me since my first semester was sort of ruined by living with the host family from hell. She will always regret that decision. Funny thing is she couldn't wait to leave her home after high school and told her parents she had moved out after it was said and done. Of course she didn't move to another country but her sisters found her reaction to my staying sort of hypocritical. I had been saying that I would leave the country eventually since I was 11. I honestly did not plan on staying in the US, I figured I would end up somewhere in Europe.

I think if DD would want to move abroad and she would be happy/ healthy and have a good life I would be fine with that. Plus we like to travel too. My mom does not fly so she can't come here and visit and honestly I'm OK with that. I would not be able to handle her at my house for more than a few days and that would not make sense when traveling this far. Our family isn't that close so that makes a difference to (IMO). My mom actually disowned me and tried to contact immigration to get met deported except for I wasn't doingi anything illegal (not sure she actually managed to talk to someone). She didn't talk to me for 8 years and considered me dead for that time. It was really hard on my dad. I was supporting myself, going to school, not getting pregnant or doing drugs so it wasn't like I was trouble. I can understand her disappointment of course but feel that her reaction was extreme.

Anyway, I would hope to be supportive for my DD. Anymore the world isn't so big anymore and at some point you have to let your kids go. My mom is very controlling and couldn't do this (she had my life planned out for me).

[mrsukyankee]

If I had kids, I hope that I would celebrate it. I've always been the one who moved all over and tried to move overseas for years...now that I'm here, I can't imagine feeling anything but proud for a child to have the same desire to explore her world.

[Deleted]

I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to have expat children! That speak lots of languages and know lots of people and places.

My parents can't be too happy that their only daughter is an ocean away but they're also proud as they come. I guess they knew what they were getting into when they sent me abroad all those summers growing up.

[clogged]

I would expect my kids to be expats. It's the American way, you know. We are founded on immigrants, and pioneering is in our blood. It is her patriotic duty to move away. Preferrably to a country that I want to visit.

[anna7602]

Jun 6, 2012 8:51:26 GMT -5 clogged said:

I would expect my kids to be expats. It's the American way, you know. We are founded on immigrants, and pioneering is in our blood. It is her patriotic duty to move away. Preferrably to a country that I want to visit.

I always think of immigrants and expats as different categories. It would be interesting to discuss this as I've been thinking about it a lot regarding the foreigners I meet in Paris v. the foreigners I meet in NY. Feel free to enter the discussion.

ETA: NY v. Paris wasn't the best example since you have no idea what the situation is of the people I hang out with in either place. A better example is my feeling that I am the daughter of immigrants, while DD is currently the daughter of expats. There was never any possible permanent return for my parents to their home country, in their minds or in reality.

[clogged]

How do you feel they are different?

To me, an immigrant goes whole hog and becomes a citizen of a new country. An expat remains citizen of their old country. Even if that expat is living permanently in the country, they are still not full a part of it and therefore never immigrated. They just live abroad.

[anna7602]

Jun 6, 2012 13:21:52 GMT -5 clogged said:

How do you feel they are different?

To me, an immigrant goes whole hog and becomes a citizen of a new country. An expat remains citizen of their old country. Even if that expat is living permanently in the country, they are still not full a part of it and therefore never immigrated. They just live abroad.

I feel the way you do, pretty much.

I don't know how to express the following without sounding like I am being judgmental, because I am not. I am just, I don't know, surprised and adjusting to the new status quo. I keep meeting Americans in Paris who put a lot of emphasis on sending their kids to summer programs "back home" every year and on encouraging them to apply to U.S. universities either now or down the line. And it makes me think of the people I knew in college who grew up in Tel Aviv, but had perfect Brooklyn accents because of their parents (still in Tel Aviv) and their grandparents (still in Brooklyn). It's this whole other planet to me having grown up as the child of immigrants, not expats. The closest I came to being shipped off "back home" in the summers was going to Miami.

[clogged]

Speaking of judgey..... I do have aquaintances who spend every vacation "at home", refuse to do anything Dutch, lie to keep their kids in the local expat English speaking school, and bitch constantly about the natives. They ao walk around with a chip on their shoulders and are hella rude. And they are here voluntarily, some for over a decade. It's like dude- just go home! You are giving the rest of us a bad name!

[bugabean]

For me, citizenship isn't the sticking point, probably since it's so hard to get here. I know several people who are definitely "lifers" here, wouldn't move back if you paid them, speak the language, "act Danish", etc. and to me they are more like immigrants than someone in another country who becomes a citizen just because they can and it's nice to have another passport (not judging… I'd do it too) but doesn't really integrate into the society.

[stever]

I'd miss him but would probably have to admit I was proud.

I've been an expat on and off since I was 20 and DH has been an expat for all but 3 years since he finished uni so we wouldn't be totally surprised if either of our kids decides to be an epat.

[clogged]

Good point bugabean.

It is such a grey/gray area! My husband says expats are temp, immigrants are perm. So many viewpoints.

(ok, how sad is it I forgot which spelling is American English??!? lol)

[Deleted]

I'd definitely be okay with it. My family has immigrated to a different country for the last 3 generations (grandparents, parents, and myself, also DH are living in countries different from our birthplaces).

[crimsonandclover]

Ok, I'm going to be perfectly honest. While I would try to be as supportive as my parents have been of me, I'd die a little inside. It's really hard for me to be away from my family now, and the only thing that makes it acceptable for me is that I'm with DH and DD, my "new" family. I think it would be really hard for me if my kids became expats, although I'd do my best to hide it from them. Maybe it's a good thing we want several children - then there's a higher chance one would be within driving distance. ;-)

[americaninoz]

you know I guess my inlaws are techincally immigrants - she's south african & he's british, but they moved to Oz MANY years ago, and very rarely go back to their 'home' countries to visit. They consider Oz their home now.
They were SO supportive of dh when he wanted to travel abroad, even after 10 years of living in the UK.
My family said 'don't fall in love with a Brit!!' when I studied abroad, then I did - oops!
I think it's a lot harder for my family because our extended family is SO close, dh's family is so far away from everyone - they just have the 4 of them.
I would be sad if G moved abroad, for sure, but like a pp said - I'd have to support her caues I totally understand why these things happen!

[tktravels]

I think, or even hope, it will be more like "when your kid decided to become an expat."

I encourage my students to travel, study, and even move abroad. And I've found that, in doing all three, actually living abroad has been the best way to get to know another place and its people. I can't imagine not encouraging and supporting my children in doing so too, even if it may be kind of sad at the same time.

H's parents are pretty supportive of us living halfway around the world, but they also moved from their country to the US, albeit for very different reasons.

I communicate with my dad 1-2 times a year, and I think he couldn't care less where I am or what I am doing, so I don't know that my location matters at all to our "relationship."

And my mom does a great job of reminding me how my absence is directly responsible for the problems in her life, lays the guilt on whenever possible, etc., but she does seem to be getting better about it as time goes on. She has also come to visit us on both of the continents we've lived on since leaving the US two years ago.

[clickerish]

Jun 6, 2012 5:51:41 GMT -5 jupiter2311 said:

DH and I probably wouldn't have any issues with it. That's coming from 2nd generation expats though, we both grew up overseas and now we're back as adults, so not much our parents can say about it and I don't think there would be much WE could say about it to OUR kids, if that makes sense. I would be perfectly happy if our future child(ren) decided to become an expat.

Same here. I would actually be MORE upset if they were anti-travel, didn't ever move anywhere or live anywhere else and became American in all the ways I don't understand. It would scare me that I did something wrong!

[Deleted]

Jun 6, 2012 13:21:52 GMT -5 clogged said:

How do you feel they are different?

To me, an immigrant goes whole hog and becomes a citizen of a new country. An expat remains citizen of their old country. Even if that expat is living permanently in the country, they are still not full a part of it and therefore never immigrated. They just live abroad.

Am I an immigrant or an expat?
I have been in the UK 11years, no plans to leave immediately and now have British citizenship. But I still have Aussie citizenship. And might move back if all the circumstances were right.

[frlcb]

Jun 9, 2012 8:08:51 GMT -5 @cheshire said:

Jun 6, 2012 13:21:52 GMT -5 clogged said:

How do you feel they are different?

To me, an immigrant goes whole hog and becomes a citizen of a new country. An expat remains citizen of their old country. Even if that expat is living permanently in the country, they are still not full a part of it and therefore never immigrated. They just live abroad.

Am I an immigrant or an expat?
I have been in the UK 11years, no plans to leave immediately and now have British citizenship. But I still have Aussie citizenship. And might move back if all the circumstances were right.

I would say you were an immigrant. I think an expat is short term.