Bridesmaid responsibilities- kind of MM related

[DarkRaven]

I will do my best to keep this short :-)

I agreed to be a BM in a friend's wedding this summer.  It's an out of town wedding (about 6 hours away) happening mid-July.  It's a second wedding if that makes any difference.  She is originally from the area where I live now and will be having her (3 day) bachelorette party here at the end of June.

Here is my issue: Her maid of honor is really pushing for us all to attend the bridal shower.  The optional dates are either Father's Day weekend, or one of the 3 weekends between the bachelorette party and wedding.  I really can't afford to attend the shower.  Within an 8 week period, this is what I already have going on: travel to DH's hometown (5 hours away) for the 1 year anniversary of his dad's death to be with his mom, travel back to DH's hometown 2 weeks later for his brother's wedding, the bachelorette party, and then this wedding.   Of all of the things that are non-negotiable events, the shower falls at the bottom of my list.  I can't afford to do all of these other traveling weekends that I really can't see getting out of, plus afford the bachelorette "weekend", plus the shower, plus all of the other bridesmaid related expenses the weekend of the wedding (hair, makeup, manicure) that she already has planned.

Is it OK to tell the MOH that I can't come to this shower no matter what weekend she has it?  Or is it part of what I signed up for and I just need to suck it up?

[Deleted]

I think it's fine to miss it. I skipped a shower when I was a BM because it was 600 miles away. I could have made it if it were life or death, but it would have been really difficult to get up there. Also, only 3/6 of my BMs were at my shower. Your friend who is the bride may feel differently, but to me it's NBD.

[ddi741]

Shower isn't mandatory,especially if it's oot. My OOT BM didn't come to my shower and I had no issue with it. You do what you can afford.
If the MOH wants you there so badly, she can pay for it

Seriously, just tell her that you won't be able to make any of those weekends but look forward to seeing everyone at the bachelorette weekend.

[soozy87]

Yes, it is fine to say no. It is a bit unreasonable to expect you to drive 12 hours to a 3 hour shower. If you feel that bad send her a shower gift, but you probably don't even need to do that.

[ssmjlm]

You can't make everything and when things are OOT, it's hard to expect everyone to be there. I would just let her know you won't be able to attend and will send your gift to the bride.

[Deleted]

I would tell the MOH you have to politely decline attending the shower because you are already overcommitted for that time period. I would offer to send a check to cover your portion of the shower if the BMs are splitting the cost (I know that is often the case)--it should be less than the cost of buying a plane ticket to attend. Send a nice card and a gift.

The MOH is not the boss of you and I'm sure your friend will understand your circumstances if you explain them to her. More of my bridesmaids missed my shower than attended because it was OOT. No big deal.

[jennistarr1]

I think you need to still send a gift and if the bridesmaids are hosting the shower, do some sort of contribution...perhaps you can do invites or something

[Deleted]

I think it's unacceptable to expect a BM to travel OOT more than once (once being the actual wedding.) Your life does not revolve around her second wedding.

[aspentosh]

I am a BM in a wedding this summer and I know the bride wouldn't bat an eyelash if I had to miss her shower.

Any chance you could do a SMALL shower the same weekend as the b-party if she has friends and family that are still local?

[purplecow0206]

One of my bridesmaids (who was out of town) didn't make it to my shower and I had no problem with it. The only reason I had to go to the only bridal shower where I was part of the wedding party and was out of town was because it was for my sister, so I really couldn't get out of it. If I claimed poverty, my mom would have paid for me. There's no reason you NEED to go, and making it for the bachelorette party seems perfect, IMO.

[mbcdefg]

There's no reason you should put yourself in debt for someone else's shower, even if you're a BM. Tell her that you aren't going to be able to make it.

I think it'd be considerate to send the MOH a check to cover some of the expenses, but if it's going to be a hardship then you're not a bad person if you don't contribute any money. if the BMs are splitting the cost of the shower, is it an amount you're comfortable with? If not, maybe just send a check for your desired amount and say that it's to cover the cake or the invites or something.

I would at least send a gift, or chip in for a joint gift from all the bridesmaids.

[vanillacourage]

Mar 25, 2013 9:20:00 GMT -5 papiercherri said:

I think it's unacceptable to expect a BM to travel OOT more than once (once being the actual wedding.) Your life does not revolve around her second wedding.

Totally agree.

I would find another way to contribute, like the PP said.  Just tell the MOH no in a way that doesn't open it up for further discussion "sorry, I won't be able to attend in person but I really want to help make it a special day for Bride.  Can I do X, or Y, or Z to help out long-distance?"

[rikki]

I couldn't imagine having a shower, bachelorette party, the whole shebang for my second wedding. I would skip it but send a gift, even though I think it is pretty tacky.

[BeagleMama]

I think it's completely fine to politely respond no because you are OOT. I'd be sure to send a shower gift and a nice note to the bride.

[halfpint]

No way. All my BMs were out of town, none of them came to my shower, and I didn't go to any of theirs. I do think if the BMs are "hosting", it would be considerate to chip in from a distance.

[msmerymac]

You are not obliged to attend, nor to contribute, to her shower. It would be nice to send a gift, but don't strain yourself financially. 

In my circle, I would totally side-eye a 3 day bachelorette weekend and shower for a second wedding, anyway.   But regardless, shower attendance is NEVER mandatory, even for BMs. Hopefully the MOH is just encouraging you all to name weekends you're available, but I think telling her to forget about your availability is fine. 

ETA: It's also my opinion that the host/hosts actually host the shower, and that does NOT have to be ALL of the BMs. It's whomever wants to do it. 

[Deleted]

I can't remember whether my OOTO BM 6 hours away made it to my bachelorette party or shower. I don't think so. Clearly if was not upsetting:). My sister was far enough she had to fly in and she made it to the shower, only because we chose a date she had to come to town for something else (I think a friend's wedding.)

[mbcdefg]

Oh, and if you decide to contribute money, I would be upfront about what you plan to spend. Because if the MOH is pushy about you attending the shower, I can picture her giving you a price you're not comfortable with (and then getting pissy if you don't want to pay it) if you just ask her how much she expects from you.

I would say, "I'm sending you a check for $x, use it for the cake/decorations/whatever you need."

Or, "I can take care of the invitations. I'll order them, address and stamp them, and mail them out, and the RSVPs can go to you. I'll email you in a couple days with some choices [all in your desired price range]."

[Deleted]

I forgot about the 2nd wedding thing--that does change it a little too.

My BFF is getting married a 2nd time, her fiance's 1st wedding. We are doing a big bachelorette party (her first was kind of a disaster anyway), but I am not involved in a shower. I am thinking if they have one and it's really convenient to attend, I'll go. If not, I'm not worried about it. Me and other BFF tried to talk her out of it, but she claimed her soon-to-be MIL would be upset, but I don't know that that's exactly the situation, so I'm just staying out of it:)

[cricketwife]

Mar 25, 2013 9:32:50 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Oh, and if you decide to contribute money, I would be upfront about what you plan to spend. Because if the MOH is pushy about you attending the shower, I can picture her giving you a price you're not comfortable with (and then getting pissy if you don't want to pay it) if you just ask her how much she expects from you.

I would say, "I'm sending you a check for $x, use it for the cake/decorations/whatever you need."

Or, "I can take care of the invitations. I'll order them, address and stamp them, and mail them out, and the RSVPs can go to you. I'll email you in a couple days with some choices [all in your desired price range]."

This is such good advice.  Be really specific about what your contribution will be.  I once had the MOH plan the whole shower (rented a hall!!! and we were only 23 so no one could afford it), never consulted me and just told me how much $$$$$$$$$ I owed her.  I sent her a check for what I could afford.  I'm sure that she's still pissed.

[ECB]

Mar 25, 2013 9:32:50 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Oh, and if you decide to contribute money, I would be upfront about what you plan to spend. Because if the MOH is pushy about you attending the shower, I can picture her giving you a price you're not comfortable with (and then getting pissy if you don't want to pay it) if you just ask her how much she expects from you.

I would say, "I'm sending you a check for $x, use it for the cake/decorations/whatever you need."

Or, "I can take care of the invitations. I'll order them, address and stamp them, and mail them out, and the RSVPs can go to you. I'll email you in a couple days with some choices [all in your desired price range]."

Fully agree with this. 

The only truly mandatory event is the WEDDING.  You are a BM in her WEDDING.  All the rest of it is, in the end, fluff and not the important event.

[aurora]

Mar 26, 2013 7:42:43 GMT -5 ECB said:

Mar 25, 2013 9:32:50 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Oh, and if you decide to contribute money, I would be upfront about what you plan to spend. Because if the MOH is pushy about you attending the shower, I can picture her giving you a price you're not comfortable with (and then getting pissy if you don't want to pay it) if you just ask her how much she expects from you.

I would say, "I'm sending you a check for $x, use it for the cake/decorations/whatever you need."

Or, "I can take care of the invitations. I'll order them, address and stamp them, and mail them out, and the RSVPs can go to you. I'll email you in a couple days with some choices [all in your desired price range]."

Fully agree with this. 

The only truly mandatory event is the WEDDING.  You are a BM in her WEDDING.  All the rest of it is, in the end, fluff and not the important event.

As usual, I agree with ECB that your commitment is to the wedding.  I have skipped OOT showers for which I was a bridesmaid before; it's quite common in my geographically-dispersed circle.

[DarkRaven]

Thanks everyone! I replied to the MOH and told her I wouldn't be able to attend. I actually called the bride last night too. I wanted to explain to her, so that she didn't have to hear about it from MOH. Everything went fine, and I feel no guilt at all!