Good v bad feelings?

[eratmama]

I need some feedback on Carrots behavior.

She has slightly bigger than normal meltdowns about losing a game, the wrong socks, etc. The meltdowns have gotten way better, and I was feeling good.

We usually acknowledge her feelings, then give her choices. If L or I stay with her, the meltdown just continues. After a minute, we usually walk away, telling her she can join us "when she is ready to talk / thank grampa for playing checkers..." or some variation of that.

Yesterday, something reminded her of Zucchini, and I saw her in her room, sad. When I asked her what was going on, she said she missed Zucchini, but "I am sad & only want to be by you if I am happy."

I often felt like I couldn't share my sad ferlings with others and put on a mask growing up, so this made my heart sink.

How would you handle her meltdowns

[2brides]

I think it is a delicate balance of telling her that you want her to be by you regardless of her feelings, but sometime everyone needs some alone time to think/regain composure/etc. If a kid is getting out of control, sometimes we suggest that they meditate vs telling them to go to time out. We have this book that is great
www.amazon.com/Peaceful-Meditation-Albert-Whitman-Prairie/dp/0807563811 I'd give examples of how sometimes you are upset/sad and want to be with L/the kids and other times you know you need some time alone and there is nothing wrong with that.

Good luck!

[kershnic]

Mar 25, 2013 9:51:22 GMT -5 eratmama said:

I need some feedback on Carrots behavior.

She has slightly bigger than normal meltdowns about losing a game, the wrong socks, etc. The meltdowns have gotten way better, and I was feeling good.

We usually acknowledge her feelings, then give her choices. If L or I stay with her, the meltdown just continues. After a minute, we usually walk away, telling her she can join us "when she is ready to talk / thank grampa for playing checkers..." or some variation of that.

Yesterday, something reminded her of Zucchini, and I saw her in her room, sad. When I asked her what was going on, she said she missed Zucchini, but "I am sad & only want to be by you if I am happy."

I often felt like I couldn't share my sad ferlings with others and put on a mask growing up, so this made my heart sink.

How would you handle her meltdowns

I agree with 2brides. But I'd want to probe further about what she meant by her comment about not wanting to be by you when she's not happy. I'd try to discuss it at a calm, neutral time, not at the height of any emotion. Is it coming from a healthy 'giving herself an emotional time out' type of place, or is she concerned that you won't like her or can't handle her negative feelings. You want to reassure her that you can handle whatever it is she brings and she doesn't need to protect you (as I'm sure you know, kids in foster care have often been parentified and feel they're responsible for care taking for siblings or adults), and you want to both explain and model the fact that negative emotions are normal and things families can handle together. Point out a (child friendly) time you or L were sad or mad and dealt with it together as a couple or family and invite Carrot to share with you. But also stay open to the idea that she might be showing some maturity and knowing that she needs alone time to keep herself in control.

She may be fearful that if she acts badly or shows negative emotion that she'll have to leave your home like Z did. She may need reassurance that she and Z are different and that even though Z needed more help to stay safe you're committed to helping Carrot stay safe at your home.

[2brides]

Mar 25, 2013 15:44:25 GMT -5 kershnic said:

Mar 25, 2013 9:51:22 GMT -5 eratmama said:

She may be fearful that if she acts badly or shows negative emotion that she'll have to leave your home like Z did. She may need reassurance that she and Z are different and that even though Z needed more help to stay safe you're committed to helping Carrot stay safe at your home.

YES. I meant to type this and got sidetracked by a couple of rowdy kids.