Adoption Poll (6 choices!)

[discogranny]

So, I am beginning to explore adoption because realistically, this is a path we could be pursuing should things not work out for us this summer. I am a planner and as much as I want to be "positivity and light" about the FET, I like to know the specifics of a plan B. DH and I have discussed it some and his family has some deep seeded beliefs about adoption that unsettle me a little. Nothing that would stop us from going forward but some things they would just have to deal with if this is a path we take. With that in mind, I wanted to see where you ladies stand on things if you would humor me. 

I made this a poll so people could answer anonymously as some of these things might be flameful to some. Please choose up to SIX answers. (Giant poll!)

[ilovecandy]

I would adopt but H isn't on board and right now we are actually ok with being child-free if it never happens.

[G22]

H and I have talked briefly about adopting, since it could possibly be on the plate in the next year or so. We would be open to both domestic and international. Neither of us wants to be child-free, though I'm sure I feel more strongly about that than him right now.

We have always considered adopting anyways. I always said I wanted 4 kids. lol I come from a bigger family and it seems like a good number. H said if we got to #3 and it was all girls, he wanted to adopt our 4th so we could for sure have a boy. So we have always been open to it, its just now closer to being a reality in order to have children at all.

[mae141]

I really haven't thought a whole lot about it, although I suppose I should. I'm not totally opposed to adopting an older child, but I also want to have a baby. So maybe I'd adopt more than one kid? I don't know. I'm also not opposed to international/other race adoption, but I have a relative that's adopted from another country and she's really struggled with it as an adult. She spent years in her birth country looking for her birth parents and is strongly opposed to international adoption.

[linz]

When H and I had to do our marriage counseling with our church before our wedding this was one of the questions on our test. H is against adoption, I was on the fence and was surprised by how strong he feels. I'm not sure if I could even though I think it's great others can. I would pry be closer to doing fostering. Even though you have that chance of not keeping the kids long term I would love to help out in that way.

[Deleted]

I would be interested in any links or credible resources to explore adoption. I google it but it's difficult to tell good from bad!

[changedname]

I would adopt a child over the age of 5 but I really would like the infant experience too so I would adopt 2.

I just read a really interesting article last night in reader's digest (yes I am an old granny)about domestic adoption and how it is basically free to adopt but they are all open adoptions and no chance of infants - all over 5 with teens being the most in need.

[pamela]

DH isn't really open to adoption, but he won't discuss why. Just says he's not comfortable with it. I would very strongly prefer a closed, infant, domestic adoption though. My family does support adoption. Two of my cousins were toddler adoptions from Romania.

[discogranny]

I guess I should expand since I asked you all to answer...haha.

I am not closed on race/nationality but would prefer and infant or child under five. And as flameful as it might be, I would prefer a closed or semi-open adoption. The closed aspect is mainly to make it easier for DH and his family to take.

DH's family feels very strongly that adoption is "stealing children", a "mixed bag" and that you "don't know what you are getting." They also feel very strongly that we adopt a domestic white infant with parents that did not have issues with drugs. If only they knew how very difficult that will be to achieve. I find it frustrating because DH feels that pressure so much more strongly than I do since it is his family. He realizes how ridiculous they are but I really feel like he is willing to push things further biologically (aka another full IVF) than I am because he just doesn't want to have to deal with his family or possibly watch them treat our child differently since they are not "blood."

A friend of mine is on a mission in Haiti. There is a little baby girl there and my heart tugs for her every single time I see her picture. The process for Haiti is so rigid right now this is not a realistic option but I would do that in a heartbeat if it was more feasible/the right time for us. DH is closed completely due to his family's reaction to her race. You can see why I was curious about how you all feel.

[ilovecandy]

discogranny you H's family good luck with that.   My grandpa was adopted as an older boy of 9? I think.  His bio mom had died and his dad couldn't afford to keep all three kids so he put my grandpa and his brother up for adoption with the caveat that they must go to the same family.  They did.  They still have no clue what happened with his sister though.  I also have a cousin who is adopted.  My family is all about adoption, though I am not sure how some would react if it was a different race.  I have no idea about H's family and adoption at all.  Since H doesn't want to we won't.  Though I would consider fostering, if i could get H on board. 

[KaraOrNot]

It almost feels flameful to say on this board, but I have never actually wanted to be pregnant. I have always wanted kids, but have never had the urge to carry a baby. Even when I was little, I wanted to adopt. However, getting pregnant is easier (yeah right!), so we started trying. I did some research when we got our IF diagnosis, but the process is just so, so overwhelming to me. Also, H wasn't really on board (he is open to it, but it isn't his first choice), so we agreed to save enough money for IVF and once we hit the necessary amount, either move forward w/ treatment or put it towards adoption. If IUI doesn't work, we will have some serious thinking to do.

I am pretty open to what I would consider (age, race, etc). I honestly have no idea what either of our families thoughts are on adoption, but I think it would take his family some time to get used to a child outside our race.  

[Deleted]

Mar 25, 2013 17:35:22 GMT -5 KaraOrNot said:

It almost feels flameful to say on this board, but I have never actually wanted to be pregnant. I have always wanted kids, but have never had the urge to carry a baby. Even when I was little, I wanted to adopt. However, getting pregnant is easier (yeah right!), so we started trying. I did some research when we got our IF diagnosis, but the process is just so, so overwhelming to me. Also, H wasn't really on board (he is open to it, but it isn't his first choice), so we agreed to save enough money for IVF and once we hit the necessary amount, either move forward w/ treatment or put it towards adoption. If IUI doesn't work, we will have some serious thinking to do.

I am pretty open to what I would consider (age, race, etc). I honestly have no idea what either of our families thoughts are on adoption, but I think it would take his family some time to get used to a child outside our race.  

I get this completely, and feel the same way.

[changedname]

I didn't really answer based on DH's family but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be happy with us adopting. DH is the only son of an only son and FIL keeps making hints about when we have "our son" etc. I don't think they would accept an adoptive son as a substitute to carry on the family name/genes.
My family couldn't care less as long as I am happy.

[G22]

KaraOrNot and smileyface......no flames from me. I don't think its wrong to want to have children, and not necessarily want to carry them. While there is adoption or surrogacy, they aren't exactly cheap. But then again neither is iui or ivf. Either way, I don't think you need to feel guilty saying that.

I think on this board we focus on getting pregnant. But in reality, we just want a child, a family. Whether you do it naturally, with treatment, or outside methods, the end result is what were all going for, you know?

[BNL2]

Adoption is on the the table for both of us but I think DH is more comfortable with it than I am. I really worry about family reaction as neither of us have adopted children in our families.

I'm only slightly open to adoption outside our race. This may be flameful, but I don't think I'll have a huge problem adopting within my race because I'm Black. I would prefer to adopt an infant but would be willing to adopt up to age 3 or so. We haven't done extensive research on adoption because I'm terrified and overwhelmed by the whole process, but it's definitely an option for us. I want to be a mother more than anything and can't imagine being child free.

[discogranny]

Kara - I agree with you too. This is so flameful but when I finally did get pregnant I was sad a lot of the time. I didn't feel well and the all consuming worry of 'please god let this stick' was overwhelming for me. Before TTC I never really looked forward to being pregnant but now I know the happiness I could have possibly had with easy conception/pregnancy is another thing IF and loss has taken.

Thank you ladies for being honest. It's nice to have a non-judgy group to bounce these kind of things off of.

[Deleted]

Mar 25, 2013 18:18:42 GMT -5 smileyface said:

Mar 25, 2013 17:35:22 GMT -5 KaraOrNot said:

It almost feels flameful to say on this board, but I have never actually wanted to be pregnant. I have always wanted kids, but have never had the urge to carry a baby. Even when I was little, I wanted to adopt. However, getting pregnant is easier (yeah right!), so we started trying. I did some research when we got our IF diagnosis, but the process is just so, so overwhelming to me. Also, H wasn't really on board (he is open to it, but it isn't his first choice), so we agreed to save enough money for IVF and once we hit the necessary amount, either move forward w/ treatment or put it towards adoption. If IUI doesn't work, we will have some serious thinking to do.

I am pretty open to what I would consider (age, race, etc). I honestly have no idea what either of our families thoughts are on adoption, but I think it would take his family some time to get used to a child outside our race.  

I get this completely, and feel the same way.

Not flameful at all!  I have ZERO desire to be pregnant.  To me, pregnancy is akin to alien incubation.  Given our dx and need for DS and an aggressive protoccol, I just don't see us moving forward with treatment.  I'm open to adoption, MH isn't.  I'm also open to living child free.  

[murdock]

No flames from me.

We're open to adoption, but DH would prefer an infant.

Both DH and I are only children, and this seems to be lending to our parents getting freaked about any hope at biological grandchildren. They say they are very supportive of adoption, but we can feel their angst.