Help me formulate a response

[Deleted]

Because everything I type comes out sounding nasty. 

Quick background: I have a kidney stone that I have to get blasted soon because it's big and it'll cause problems if it decides to act up when/if I get pregnant soon. 

My mom texted me this morning asking how everything was and if I had been in any pain lately. I said no and that I really didn't want to get the lithotripsy because it sucks. She flipped her lid. Started texting me saying that I was putting myself and my baby at risk (I'm not pregnant!) and that it's not about me anymore and if it's get stuck I could go into kidney failure and die (highly unlikely, but possible) and how can I be so irresponsible?!

I was really shocked that she flipped out and I called her out on it saying she had crossed a line and that she had no say in my medical decisions. And that I never said I wasn't going to get it. Just that I didn't want to. She responded with her usual bitchy 'Got it.' Which in her language means: 'you're being a bitch and a child and I'm better than that so I'm just going to humor you' (we've done this dance many times) and follows it up with: "I'm your mother and I worry and I just love you.' Which, to me, is the biggest excuse to say whatever the hell she wants and get away with it. I felt really crappy that she called my judgement into question and thought that I was being selfish and that I wouldn't put a future baby's health first, because I would. I've worked so hard to get my body to a place where I can safely carry a child now and I feel like she just sees my mistakes and faults. 

What do I say here? Do I just let it drop and not talk to her for a few days and let this blow over? Am I overreacting? I haven't responded yet to the 'I'm only saying this because I love you' text. I'm thinking I need to stop including her on any medical updates, which I always did before because of the genetic syndrome we share. Ugh.  

[speckledfrog]

I wouldn't say anything.

[Deleted]

Personally I would just ignore her. It sounds like you said what you had to and anything else will just set her off again.

Or maybe just a straightforward "Until you can react without judgment I will not be sharing any more health information with you. I appreciate your concern and love but I need to make my own decisions regarding this."

[ralphlauren]

I would ignore her nonsense. Gross

[montereybride]

"There is a boundary between caring and controlling that you have consistently crossed under the guise of being my loving mother. I will no longer be sharing my personal medical updates with you until you can show me that you understand that boundary."

[cleo29]

She may have no say in what you ultimately do, but to think that she will not voice her opinions or concerns, even harshly, is kind of silly. Of course she will tell you what she thinks you should do and if she thinks what you are currently doing is foolish, she's your mom.

I think you are overreacting a bit here and reading into what you think her responses mean. H does this to me a lot and it grates. lol

Just write back, "I understand your concerns, in the future if you could just tell me nicely without getting into name calling, I would appreciate it."

Also, if you simply told me you did not want to do a procedure without immediately following up with, "but I'm going to anyway" I would take that to mean that you are not planning on doing it.

[Deleted]

How have you both handled these run-ins before now? Ignore? Revisit to discuss/hash out solutions? I'd probably ignore it and just not discuss anything with her that I didn't want her feedback on. Anything besides ignoring her (like telling her what she said was wrong and you were hurt) is really just punishing her for being herself.

[Deleted]

I'd ignore her and stop telling her anything about your health, your conception plans, and the baby's health post-conception. Especially over text. No good can come from it as you've seen, so why bother?

[Deleted]

Apr 1, 2013 13:52:07 GMT -5 montereybride said:

"There is a boundary between caring and controlling that you have consistently crossed under the guise of being my loving mother. I will no longer be sharing my personal medical updates with you until you can show me that you understand that boundary."

This. Is. Perfect. 

I know expecting her not to say anything is silly and I know she's going to because she is my mother but she does have a history of being controlling and being mean if I don't do something exactly as she wants it, especially regarding my health. 

[Deleted]

Apr 1, 2013 13:54:55 GMT -5 @damnation said:

How have you both handled these run-ins before now? Ignore? Revisit to discuss/hash out solutions? I'd probably ignore it and just not discuss anything with her that I didn't want her feedback on. Anything besides ignoring her (like telling her what she said was wrong and you were hurt) is really just punishing her for being herself.

Usually it goes like this: She overreacts and gets angry and yells. I look around and say 'what the hell just happened here' and then a day later she comes back with her tail between her legs and apologizes. H has been a witness to her outbursts and just thinks she's nutty. Which, I mean, is true. 

[cleo29]

Apr 1, 2013 14:00:53 GMT -5 @utahlove13 said:

Apr 1, 2013 13:52:07 GMT -5 montereybride said:

"There is a boundary between caring and controlling that you have consistently crossed under the guise of being my loving mother. I will no longer be sharing my personal medical updates with you until you can show me that you understand that boundary."

This. Is. Perfect. 

I know expecting her not to say anything is silly and I know she's going to because she is my mother but she does have a history of being controlling and being mean if I don't do something exactly as she wants it, especially regarding my health. 

And, if you know how she tends to respond, perhaps figure out how much to tell her, kwim?  Good luck and I hope you start feeling better soon!

[Deleted]

I like Monterey's response. I'd go with that. Sorry you're going through this.