MIL is crazy and full of drama, how to deal?

[fluffaluff]

Why is she taking or purchasing all these trips if she owes so much money to people?

[ering1115]

You can cut her out of you life. I don't enjoy my MIL for a variety for reasons- the root cause is either her depression or her alcoholism (chicken egg as to which came first). DH talks to his mom and deals with her when he chooses. She is welcome in my home if she is sober. If she is drinking I will not interact with her. She only calls or emails DH. Its not fun but it works for us. Mayvbe you can remove yourself from the situation and just let DH handle her.

[Muddled]

You know you're never going to see that money, right?

I mean, unless you plan on taking her to court over it or not talking to her until she pays up or something full of drama like that.

[Deleted]

Ignore the drama, same as your H.

[pantsparty]

Stop talking to her about your trips.

[fluffaluff]

Have y'all sat down with her and tried talking with her about all this and her irresponsibility? I would let her know the effect it has on you seeing her live like this after you have loaned her money.

[daisybuchannan]

My immediate response after reading the few sentences (and I didn't read the rest so forgive me if I missed important info) is that you need to stop lending her money. It doesn't sound like she's ever going to pay it back, especially if she owes money to numerous people.

[Deleted]

Stop telling her and other people where you guys are vacationing to. And I doubt you'll see that money you lent. Sorry your MIL is batshit crazy.

[pantsparty]

The easiest solution is that your H should tell her not to plan anything until the money is paid back. And she may insist that she will, and she wants to come out on X date, and he should just say, "That sounds nice - but let's not talk about any plans until the money is actually paid back." Stop letting her manipulate you, and whatever you do, don't give her any more money.

[ElizabethBennet]

Count the money as gone and stop mentioning your trips to her. If she has a habit of inviting you guys on trips then backing out, don't even bother making work arrangements.

Why are you willing to go on trips with her if she owes people money? Does she pay for the trips?

[ElizabethBennet]

Apr 2, 2013 8:08:28 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Apr 2, 2013 8:05:04 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Stop talking to her about your trips.

We have which is why we didn't tell her about our recent key west trip. H's uncle let it slip and she immediately invited herself. H's aunt shut it down and she isn't coming or anything, but its so super annoying. 

Eh, you're just going to have to ignore and deal the best you can. The sooner you stop being annoyed by the way she always acts the happier you'll be. Seriously. Your annoyance isn't doing you any good and it means nothing to her. She's obviously not going to stop so stop reacting. You can only control your reaction to the situation.

[Muddled]

Ok, if you guys have worked out a payment plan, and she is sticking to it, it is none of your business what she spends her money on. Don't give her any more. And quit telling her things that you don't want her to know.

I know it seems complicated from where you are standing, but it really is very simple. Create boundaries and enforce them. It is difficult in the beginning, but everyone wins in the end. You guys are happier and she knows exactly what to expect from you.

[Deleted]

Apr 2, 2013 8:14:51 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Apr 2, 2013 8:11:13 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

The easiest solution is that your H should tell her not to plan anything until the money is paid back. And she may insist that she will, and she wants to come out on X date, and he should just say, "That sounds nice - but let's not talk about any plans until the money is actually paid back." Stop letting her manipulate you, and whatever you do, don't give her any more money.

This is the exact approach that H has taken. She insists that if we don't "allow" her in our home that they will be taking a vacation somewhere else bc this is the only time her H will have off work. I'm sure it's all a lie, but it drives me insane. I guess I just need to step out of it all and let H handle it. 

this would also make me nutty.  for real.  but, honestly, driving yourself crazy isn't changing her.  i'd just ignore her emails and let your husband handle it.  sounds like he has a solid plan, and that he ignores her tearful phone calls.  if he isn't being manipulated, and you don't want to be manipulated, and she isn't going to change regardless, your only solution is to just let it go.  you can still bitch here about it, but don't drive yourself crazy over her.  protect your assets, protect your emotions, work with your husband, and pretend like you aren't copied on the emails and that she's never visiting.

also, maybe sometimes go on vacation just you and your husband.  holy crap, all of this traveling and vacationing with family you're describing is making me claustrophobic!

[Muddled]

Apr 2, 2013 8:26:16 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Apr 2, 2013 8:17:30 GMT -5 Muddled said:

Ok, if you guys have worked out a payment plan, and she is sticking to it, it is none of your business what she spends her money on. Don't give her any more. And quit telling her things that you don't want her to know.

I know it seems complicated from where you are standing, but it really is very simple. Create boundaries and enforce them. It is difficult in the beginning, but everyone wins in the end. You guys are happier and she knows exactly what to expect from you.

This is great advice thank you. I just have a hard time because if I owed anyone money I wouldn't be planning an trips or buying anything until it was paid back. It drives me insane when we visit and she shows me all the brand new clothes and rooms that she renovated recently. She has no shame. It is hard for me to stick to the boundaries because she is always so convincing and I feel bad. Its hard to say no when she seems like she has no one else to turn to when she needs money, but I immediately regret ever giving her a dime so that will never happen again. Even just talking about it here helps. Thank you.

See, that's the thing. You are not her. As PP said, you can only control yourself. You can't control her-- only your reaction to her.

Practice saying no without giving excuses. Excuses are an invitation to continue the conversation. Just say no and repeat yourself over and over and over. If you don't stick to the boundaries and she knows it, the boundary ceases to exist. If you can't say no and your H can, just pass her along to him. His family = his responsibility.

[ECB]

It sounds like you all are doing as much as you tangibly can - it's the annoyance of it that is getting you. Right? I kind of live this w/ my ILs. Not about money, but about time/ making plans. I don't want to hi-jack your thread. To put it simply, we had an experience w/ them last summer that was just SO above "normal" and they really royally screwed up our plans. DH and I were just so pissed/ annoyed, we are doing everything we can to make sure it never happens again.

We are going to the ocean w/ them for a long weekend this month. Our plan? For one, we're making a ton of plans for us and us alone. If they want to join us, that's fine, but we will be taking 2 cars. No matter what. We will leave when we need to leave, etc. We're simply going to do what we want to do when we want to do it - they can "come" w/ us - but we aren't going to tie ourselves to them at all.

We're not even bothering talking to them about any of this. When we get there, as each thing comes along, we'll tell them about it. It's up to them if they want to follow or not. But we're simply not involving them at all. We learned a HUGE lesson last summer.

Now- will there still be some annoyance? Oh, I know there will be. But just in our approach to this trip, I overall feel less frustrated/ less apprehensive than I have in a long time. We have a plan and we're sticking to it. The plan just takes them out of the equation as much as we possibly can while still "spending the weekend" with them.

W/ your MIL - all her calls, plans, changing of plans - your DH needs to just stick REALLY FIRMLY to "Let me know when you're on the plane" and just remove himself from the discussion w her. Now, when she does basically say "I'm on the plane" - you'll be annoyed that she's coming! But if you can at least take away the growing annoyance of being involved in her plans, it WILL help. You just have to remove yourselves as much as you can from the equation.

[karmasabiotch]

Stop giving her money and stop planning your time off around hers if she makes plans to come. If she's actually shows yo see her after work or on weekends.

[pantsparty]

Apr 2, 2013 8:14:51 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Apr 2, 2013 8:11:13 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

The easiest solution is that your H should tell her not to plan anything until the money is paid back. And she may insist that she will, and she wants to come out on X date, and he should just say, "That sounds nice - but let's not talk about any plans until the money is actually paid back." Stop letting her manipulate you, and whatever you do, don't give her any more money.

This is the exact approach that H has taken. She insists that if we don't "allow" her in our home that they will be taking a vacation somewhere else bc this is the only time her H will have off work. I'm sure it's all a lie, but it drives me insane. I guess I just need to step out of it all and let H handle it. 

So she's "threatening" you that she'll go elsewhere? Lol, let her!

[ECB]

Another thing I'm going to add- many people have said set boundaries. I fully agree. But keep in mind that boundaries are about YOU and DH more so than your MIL. What I mean- it's really not about telling the her the boundaries. It's about you all deciding what you will or won't do and sticking to it.

you know you won't lend her $$ until she pays you all back. It can't hurt to tell her this, but at the same time, you don't HAVE to tell her. All you ahve to do, when she asks, is say "no!".

That's a part of what we do w/ my ILs. TELLING them "We aren't going to ride w you because you're always late" isn't going to fix THEIR being late. So - we just don't ride w them and just say "see you there!". Ultimately, they know perfectly well that we have a problem w/ their lateness. They KNOW. Telling them over and over doesn't fix it and only frustrates us. SO we don't tell them. We just do what we need to do to lessen our annoyance.

[moolarkey]

My in laws were very similar (both deceased now). I couldn't believe the stupid, immature things they did with their money and their attitudes and behaviors. They both, particularly my FIL, had entitled attitudes. They were well-educated and if they'd been even slightly responsible they would have been very well off.

[Wrath0fKuus]

It's like deja vu all over again!