Need opinions..(also posted on TB) LONG

[amcclindon]

I'm not sure who's where now, so I thought I would post this on both boards..

Yesterday, DH and I got into our worst fight ever. I admit that I blew up and it escalated pretty quickly...but I would like to get some opinions from people who aren't involved and can't take sides. So be honest, and if I'm not wearing my BGP then say so..

Bit of background first: DH's older brother has always had some sort of problem with me. He has never come out and said so, but he always makes snide remarks, gets irritated with DH if he wants to talk things over with me (before making plans), etc. etc. I have no idea what I ever did to make him dislike me - to my knowledge, all of DH's family likes me and I'm super close with his other brother/sister-in-law, and DH's parents.

Anyways. Yesterday morning when we were just waking up (we were still in bed, I had just brought Layla in our room for our morning snuggle before DH got ready for work) DH's brother, Jason, calls. Convo goes like this (I can hear everything word for word)

Jason: Hey what's up, wondering if you want to take mom to a movie on mother's day with me.

DH: Ummm..yeah...but let me talk to Amanda about it first and make sure she doesn't have a problem with it..

Jason: SHE BETTER NOT HAVE A F*CKING PROBLEM WITH IT, ITS MOTHERS DAY!

DH: (Who has always been kind of a puss with his older bro) yeah...I'll go...

*and then I, who was completely disgusted by Jason's comment, lost my sh*t* So I repeated in the same snotty tone Jason used what he said and then added, "I mean, why SHOULD I have a problem with it?! It is after all, only my first mother's day...of course I should want to sit at home by myself." At this point, DH is waving me out of the room trying to quiet me down and I am completely furious. When DH got off the phone, it turned into a complete scream fest. I put Layla in her bouncer in front of a baby Einstein video in the living room and chaos ensued in our bedroom. I even threw a wet diaper (balled up) as hard as I could at the wall I was so mad.

DH even had the balls to say "What did you want me to say?! He's my family! He's blood!" So that set me off, because then I was like "What the hell am I to you?! Not your real family then?!" It was ugly. DH also threw out there "I wouldn't care if you wanted to spend time with your dad on Father's day". I told him the big difference in that would be whatever we do with my dad on Father's day - he would be invited to come, because he is PART of the family, whereas I'm kept off to the side, at least from his brother.

It's not even the movie thing that bothers me the most- It's the complete and blatant disregard for me, like I'm just a whore DH is shacking up with, and he should have no reason to consult me in this at all. I can completely understand why DH would want to see/spend time with his mom on mother's day - that's not the issue. If he would have just told his brother to shut it and that considering it is my FIRST mother's day, it is perfectly reasonable to talk to me about my feelings about him bailing for 4-5 hours. Which honestly, does upset me. I don't understand why they have to go see a movie. I wish we could just do something all together, like have dinner or go to lunch or something where everyone (including our daughter) could be involved. Instead, he'll be leaving for a good portion of the day and I feel like my first mother's day is ruined. What do you guys think? Am I making Mother's day be too big of a deal? I guess I just had it out to be this special day in my head and now I feel like it's just going to be like any other day. I'm disappointed.

[EloiseWeenie]

What a sucky way to start the weekend

I can see how you feel hurt by being excluded, and I would feel the same way. At the same time, have you talked with your husband about what you wanted to do for Mother's Day?

As for BIL, you can't fix him and the problem he seems to have with you. You can talk to your husband about how it makes you feel when BIL does things like this. BIL might be blood, but your husband chose you- and you are his family now.

It doesn't sound like you handled the situation well, but I'm personally not cool with screaming and throwing things when angry. I'd cool off, then try to figure out what it is you want to do on Mother's Day. It sounds like you'd enjoy being with your husbands family, and that you don't want to be alone. Try to find a middle ground, doing something where everyone can be together (like you said, go to lunch, etc). If you want your husband to be with you all day, then tell him.

Mother's day isn't a huge deal for me. I always tell my husband that I expect him to change all the diapers/take son to the potty, and I want no part of bathing the kids.

[dearprudence]

I don't think you're panties have anything to do with the situation. Sounds like your DH needs to man up and find a pair of "big boy briefs" when dealing with his family.

My philosophy with holidays is that if they're a big deal to you, it doesn't matter what the world thinks. (Of course, I grew up with my mom thinking mail should stop on her birthday)

But the problem here isn't really Mother's Day - this is just the straw that broke the camel's back. The problem is you are sick and tired of the way your husband's family (or more specifically his brother) treats you. And you are justified in feeling that way. Family is great, but you are his family too. And when it comes down to it, he needs to make that clear to anyone who treats you in a way that makes you upset.

[Deleted]

Yup, I would be pissed. That was a real dick thing of his brother to say.

[smock]

Your anger is really misplaced. Your BIL is being pushy and rude, sure, but it's your H who should be sticking up for you and making sure you aren't being mistreated. Instead of even considering how you'd feel about him leaving for your first mother's day, he caves to his brother.

You really should be pissed at your H for being more concerned about upsetting his brother than his wife and mother of his children.

[Deleted]

I agree with Smock, that YH bears some blame. I would be made at both. YH for not having bigger balls and your BIL for being an overall douche.

[heartlyric]

Why can't you go to the movies too? And how long could this movie date possibly be?

[sawyerthedestroyer]

Smock said what I was thinking. Sure, your BIL is a douche, but your H is the one who needs to tell BIL to STFU when he says something nasty about you.

[Deleted]

Your H is a puss. He should have told your BIL that he'd let him know...and after your BIL acted like a peen your H should have told him to fuck off.
You should be mad that your H is a puss and and a douche.

[Deleted]

Here comes TIP!