NY Times gay etiquette question

[ElsaVonM]

I weighed in on this one (though I doubt my comment is published yet):

www.nytimes.com/2013/04/16/booming/should-unsupportive-relatives-be-invited-to-same-sex-wedding.html?src=rechp&_r=0

As you can see from the link, the topic is whether to invite unsupportive family members to your wedding. We did, and nine years out, I'm still glad we made that decision. That said, my in-laws are conservative but sane and restrained, and I can well imagine making a different decision for different people. 

[bluedaisyus]

We did. We debated about inviting my wife's brother (he actually compared coming to our wedding to watching someone get murdered and we knew he woudn't attend) but ultimately decided to. We also invited my wife's parents, who were pretty resistant and decided not to attend, but they've since voiced regret about that decision and I'm glad that we invited them even though it was hard on my wife that they didn't accept. We really don't have any family other than her brother that are unsupportive.

[ct]

We invited everyone knowing full well they wouldn't come. We do it for the same reason we send them a Christmas card every year...their hate isn't going to make me hide. And, yeah, i kinda like rubbing my adorable family in their faces

[awkwardpenguin]

We did, and they didn't come. I'm glad we did, because even though they are unsupportive, they're still in our lives, and I'd rather have us graciously extended the invitation and them not come than the other way around. These people were our aunts and uncles though, not immediate family. C's parents wavered on attending at one point, but they did attend and I think it was the beginning of a big turn around for them on how they feel about our relationship.

I can EASILY see situations where it would be better to not invite them. Friends of ours are going through this right now. Our friend's brother has been a giant dick about his partner being around his kids and how he "wants to be the one who teaches his kids right and wrong". Back when this first happened (almost 5 years ago now), it was extremely hurtful and caused a huge rift. The brother is a big enough dick that he might actually come and be an asshole, which is a completely different concern. Not knowing who to invite is part of the reason they've put off a ceremony for so long.

[eratmama]

We knew people wouldn't be mean or make a scene, so we invited them. Let them choose to be exclusive. I am not going to relieve them of that or call our wedding anything less than say, my brother's.

And, ditto ct, I love sending our Christmas card to be conservative, Catholic aunt, thinking, "who is acting more Christian now?"

[2brides]

We invited L's parents, who didn't come. They were supportive in that they would come and stay with us and were fine with us, but I think the wedding was beyond their comfort zone. I think 10y they would probably come.

[twotrue]

We didn't have anyone who wasn't supportive.

[ballandchain]

We don't have any family or friends that are outwardly disapproving. We do have some conservative Catholics in the bunch who might not be 100% on board with our marriage being legal but we generally get along with those people so we don't broach the subject. They came to the wedding and celebrated with everyone else.

[kershnic]

Our immediate families are all supportive. We didn't really know what our extended families thought before the wedding, so sending wedding invitations was kind of a trial balloon. Turned out I had one uncle who refused to attend on philosophical grounds, and DW's faithful Catholic relatives all showed up with smiles and gifts. I suspect they're like ballandchain's relatives and the older generation may have mixed feelings on the legalities, but they put being a family in front and came. We've never talked about it, but I wouldn't be surprised if seeing our beautiful, otherwise traditional, wedding may have helped open their minds to the idea.

I would hope that family who can't pull it together and be civil and celebrate would make the choice not to come even if invited. If I expected that, I agree that the best choice is to invited and leave refusal in their court. If I was worried that they would show up and be difficult on the day of then I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing not to invite.

[twomoms2twins]

Apr 16, 2013 13:13:59 GMT -5 ct said:

We invited everyone knowing full well they wouldn't come. We do it for the same reason we send them a Christmas card every year...their hate isn't going to make me hide. And, yeah, i kinda like rubbing my adorable family in their faces

This .. we do the same

[rikkiandjulie]

Apr 16, 2013 13:13:59 GMT -5 ct said:

We invited everyone knowing full well they wouldn't come. We do it for the same reason we send them a Christmas card every year...their hate isn't going to make me hide. And, yeah, i kinda like rubbing my adorable family in their faces

THIS. We sent everyone an invited. We sent out about 250, and roughly a 175 people came. 

[hensmum]

Apr 16, 2013 13:13:59 GMT -5 ct said:

We invited everyone knowing full well they wouldn't come. We do it for the same reason we send them a Christmas card every year...their hate isn't going to make me hide. And, yeah, i kinda like rubbing my adorable family in their faces

Ditto!