What does your H do for you when you're visibly upset?

[picksthemusic]

I think J has no clue how to comfort me sometimes. I was really feeling bummed about two of my work BFFs who left about 2 months ago, and I've been working up front for about two weeks now (where my BFFs worked - I'm filling in until the newbies are trained, which will bleed into next month). I'm slowly dying. The CW who took over for BFF#1 is cuh-ray-zee. She's changing all kinds of things that don't need to be changed, making all kinds of new 'rules' for the newbies that don't really exist or need to exist, and she's just the most fake, two-faced, crazy person I've ever met. There is not a warm bone in her body, though she'd love for you to think there is. Anyway, I've been dealing with her and her gigantic head (her ego is T H I S  B I G) for the last two weeks and really realizing that my work life will never be the same. Anyway, I was holding together okay, and then I think the stress of yesterday (finding out my other BFF and her H were so close to the Boston bombing), and then realizing how unhappy I am at work now, just came spilling out and there I was bawling my eyes out while washing the dishes.

J tried to have M help cheer me up (which kind of worked, she's so darn sweet), and he took over with her bedtime routine. Then, he hugged me a little and patted my back, and tried to say things that were kind of comforting, but they really weren't. He basically told me to keep my chin up, things change, deal with it. Which made me even more upset that my own husband has NO CLUE what I need when I'm truly upset. I haven't cried this much/this hard in a long time, and while it's nice that he's letting me have my space, I'd love for him to come and hold me, snuggle with me in bed, or just sit with me and let me cry and have him play with my hair.

I've told him before how I like to be comforted, but it NEVER gets through to him. It's the same thing when I injure myself or trip and fall... I'd love for him to ask if I'm okay, oh honey are you all right, whatever, but no. He yells at me to be more careful next time! I need comfort sometimes, and it's like getting blood from a turnip with him sometimes.

Anyway, I've folded all the laundry, and now I'm sitting in our bedroom on the internet and he's in the living room watching some show. He hasn't even come to check on me to make sure I'm okay.

I don't know, maybe I'm asking too much. But it'd be really nice if he'd just at least show me he cares a little bit more.

I'll bake a dozen cookies for whoever made it through this.

[ashleyp728]

My husband can be the same way. I think *most* men in general have a hard time understanding how we feel and what we need. I also think they can sometimes forget or be a little awkward even if you've told them before. Though that's just my experience with my H.

It's nice that your H tried to comfort you. Maybe right now he's giving you space and trying not to seem to smothering? Hopefully he will go in and hold you for a while soon. I do hope you feel better. I understand how your situation can be uncomfortable and sad having so much at work change. He is there for you in his own little way though.

[stretchad]

I'm sorry. I know what it's like to lose your work bffs. I went through the same thing about 2 years ago and it was really hard.

My husband has the tendency to try to suggest how to fix whatever the problem is. Which is so not helpful in the middle of a breakdown. That or he sort of stares at me blankly not knowing what to do. I think they have such a hard time reading us that they don't know if we want their help, just their hugs, or just some space.

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[jennlin]

1) I'm really sorry you feel this way. But this also leaves more time for nexting instead of aimless chatter with those girls

2) I made it all the way through, I want my dozen cookies.

3) h definitely does not know how to comfort me. He tries to make a joke out if every situation to cheer me up, and sometimes I just want to be sad. I'll admit he really tries, he's just not doing it right.

[jennlin]

4) I'm sure in time you'll get used to the new girls, even though they'll never replace the bffs. Where did bffs go? Can you request a transfer? Can you do lunch dates? Worst comes to worst, you can transfer to a north end one and we can haaaang. Since you're moving someday anyway.

[sarack]

yeah. h doesn't do anything normally. sometimes if i hint to it, he'll like hug me or hold me, but mostly, he doesn't understand.

also, you should make sure to set aside more time to hang out with them! i have realized how important that is to me, and i've been slacking.

[dana86]

Around here H is pretty good about picking up on things. Lucky for him just about 80% of the time I prefer to be alone or just not talk about it and self deal. But the times when I want some comforting all I have to do is barge over and sit next to him and he usually goes from there cuddling up with me and just giving me the attention I need.

[msturtle143]

ditto, depends on why I'm upset.

If it's something he said/did, oops...he tries to comfort by giving me a hug which pisses me off some more because I feel so patronized and I shove him away.

If it's something I'm upset about like at work...or over something our know-it-all daycare person says about L, he is likely to tell me I can't change people...only the way I respond to them. And that people suck. hehe

If I cut myself or trip, he is likely to tell me first that I am such a klutz, then asks if I'm okay and then be careful next time.

I do agree though, I don't think men in general are very good at this.

[niq]

I meant to reply to this one earlier. Work frustrations are hard especially if you are not in the same field. If I read it right what's needed right now is a combination of sympathy and professional advice, not a pep talk? I find it really hard for msniq and I to do the professional advice part.

As for visibly upset, I do some comforting via furbabies if I think that will help, and then I try to ask something like "is there anything going on that you think I could help you talk through". And back rubs. Lots of back rubs.

Even on a tablet, I blame all wrong words in Swype