M/C follow-up appointment and other vents

[trace]

Hey, everyone. I had my follow-up appointment today. My ob talked to us and gave a list of about 8 antibodies they'll test for as soon as I get a period. I looked a few of them up but am trying to stay away from Dr. Google. He said if I do test positive for any of those, there are medications that can help me keep a pregnancy. We may also be able to start trying again right away if they identify one of those antibodies as the problem. On one hand this makes me hopeful and happy but on the other hand it just kills me that my stupid body may have basically been attacking my babies.

It sucked having to go in today and see so many very pregnant ladies. They were EVERYWHERE. I literally held my head down as we walked in and out. Spending close to an hour in the waiting room was difficult. It was so hard to hear them talking about what number of kid they were on and one said her "body doesn't agree with being pregnant" so she can't wait to be done. I'm just thinking to myself that they have no idea what it means for their body not to agree with pregnancy. H suggested we get up and move to a quieter section but it didn't help much. I broke down (again) on the way home and told him that I wished I could be one of those women whose biggest complaint is morning sickness and stretch marks...that I want desperately to have morning sickness because it'll be a sign that things are finally working. He told me that I can't be angry at these women and my brain tells me that I shouldn't but it's hard to stop these feelings.

I also got two bills from my first appointment and u/s totaling $200 (I'm sure there's more to follow). That was four months ago! Exactly four months which then reminded me that it's a Wednesday so I would've been 24 weeks today; it should've been a big week.

On the way home I also mentioned to H that I would like something, maybe a necklace, with my would-be babies' birthstones. Has anyone heard of or done this? Is it completely morbid? I just feel like I have nothing to see or touch or remember them by other than my HPTs and u/s pic. H was very receptive to the idea but just wants to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reason--to remember the happiness of the time we had with them--and not let it be something that just continues to make me sad. I understand what he saying. In other, I guess positive, news I went out yesterday for the first time in 5 days. We bought a wedding shower gift for a friend and got groceries. I'm also trying to eat more. I lost 4 pounds since last week and while I can certainly stand to loose some more, this was not the way I wanted to do it.

Ok, enough rambling. I think maybe it's time for a journal, right?! Just needed to vent because I feel like no one cares or would understand in my normal life.

[HoneySpider]

Oh trace lots of hugs to you!

I remember that exact feeling when I was sitting in the waiting room at the MFM for my post-D&E follow up. Being surrounded by pregnant women, many of them already with several children, was so difficult. I get angry at other people too - I think that's human nature.

People remember in different ways...personally I wouldn't be able to handle a birthstone necklace because it would be a constant reminder to me in a negative way, but it might not be for you. I have been considering planting a fruit tree in our yard (something we've been wanting to do anyway) when my EDD comes up. I don't know.

And, definitely use this board to vent - you have a lot of people here who, unfortunately, do understand.

[trace]

Thanks, honey. I appreciate the hugs. I think your tree planting idea sounds really beautiful. I guess you'll just have to see how you feel when the time comes. I wish I could steal that idea but unfortunately we're renting (in a place/state I hate) while my husband is in grad school and we won't be returning to our house for at least another year and a half.

[KaraOrNot]

Feel free to vent away here. And hugs!

[HoneySpider]

Where are you living? I am in a place I hate too, we hope to move by the end of the year but we'll see. It's hard to get a job.

[trace]

Thank you, Kara.

Honey, we're in Baton Rouge but originally from Southern CA. I see you're in TX. We spent a long weekend in Houston over spring break. It was better than I expected; my dad's from the San Antonio area but I hadn't been to TX in over 16 years.

[HoneySpider]

There are some parts of Texas I like (Austin!) but I'm in Corpus Christi and it sucks, haha South Texas really has it's own culture and I'm a yankee so I don' fit in here at all....I'm from NJ originally. People here really don't like outsiders.

[speyedr]

My m/c follow up in Feb was one of the worst appts I have ever been to. I felt so out of place in the waiting room and was listening to a young couple talk about their first u/s and what the baby should look like at that weeks gestation and so forth was just the icing on the cake.

[trace]

Oh honey, I feel ya on the outsider thing. I've been here about 1.5 years and it is still a culture shock every day. I am counting down the days until we can leave. May 17, 2014 can't get here soon enough! We're hoping to move to the east coast for a year or so before settling back down in CA. Feel free to PM me.

[KaraOrNot]

Apr 17, 2013 21:23:14 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

There are some parts of Texas I like (Austin!) but I'm in Corpus Christi and it sucks, haha South Texas really has it's own culture and I'm a yankee so I don' fit in here at all....I'm from NJ originally. People here really don't like outsiders.

Off topic, but my mom got married in Corpus Christi and talks about wanting to go back all the time.  She got really excited when I mentioned that someone on my message bored lives here!

[HoneySpider]

Apr 17, 2013 21:35:12 GMT -5 KaraOrNot said:

Apr 17, 2013 21:23:14 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

There are some parts of Texas I like (Austin!) but I'm in Corpus Christi and it sucks, haha South Texas really has it's own culture and I'm a yankee so I don' fit in here at all....I'm from NJ originally. People here really don't like outsiders.

Off topic, but my mom got married in Corpus Christi and talks about wanting to go back all the time.  She got really excited when I mentioned that someone on my message bored lives here!

Aww that's really cute Did she live in the area or was it a destination wedding?

[trace]

Sorry, speyedr.  Those appointments really are the worst. It's like just when you're starting to feel better (at least physically) you get dealt another huge blow. I guess on the plus side, I probably only have to have this one since my betas were already so low on Thursday. I was further along last time and my doc wanted to follow my levels all the way back down which meant about 3 follow-ups.

[KaraOrNot]

Apr 17, 2013 21:37:10 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

Apr 17, 2013 21:35:12 GMT -5 KaraOrNot said:

Off topic, but my mom got married in Corpus Christi and talks about wanting to go back all the time.  She got really excited when I mentioned that someone on my message bored lives here!

Aww that's really cute Did she live in the area or was it a destination wedding?

It was a destination wedding, of sorts.  They went w/ a few friends and got married by a justice of the peace.  

When I was little, she would tell me that she got married in a beautiful blue wedding dress and when I got married, I could have her dress.  When I finally saw pictures, I realized she got married in a denim mini skirt.  My dad wore a velour sweatshirt and jeans!

[HoneySpider]

Apr 17, 2013 21:46:36 GMT -5 KaraOrNot said:

Apr 17, 2013 21:37:10 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

Aww that's really cute Did she live in the area or was it a destination wedding?

It was a destination wedding, of sorts.  They went w/ a few friends and got married by a justice of the peace.  

When I was little, she would tell me that she got married in a beautiful blue wedding dress and when I got married, I could have her dress.  When I finally saw pictures, I realized she got married in a denim mini skirt.  My dad wore a velour sweatshirt and jeans!

This is amazing

If your mom ever comes to visit you better come too!

[KaraOrNot]

Apr 17, 2013 21:50:15 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

Apr 17, 2013 21:46:36 GMT -5 KaraOrNot said:

It was a destination wedding, of sorts.  They went w/ a few friends and got married by a justice of the peace.  

When I was little, she would tell me that she got married in a beautiful blue wedding dress and when I got married, I could have her dress.  When I finally saw pictures, I realized she got married in a denim mini skirt.  My dad wore a velour sweatshirt and jeans!

This is amazing

If your mom ever comes to visit you better come too!

For sure!  Although, hopefully you won't be there for much longer.  

I only live a few hours from Chicago, though!

[trace]

Haha. That's a cute story, Kara.

[azurely]

Feel free to vent here. It's like a journal that talks back to you

For me, one of the only good things about going to the RE now is that I don't have to see pregnant ladies at every doctor's appt. I try very hard not to be a Bitter Betty, but listening to pregnant ladies complain about swollen ankles or food aversions is torture.

After I had my miscarriages, I got a butterfly ring after reading this poem. It's super corny, but I bawled and it still makes me tear up a little to think about it...

You were safe and warm
inside my womb
transforming and growing
just like a cocoon

We did anxiously await
for the day to arrive
Not knowing your fate
and that we'd be saying goodbye

God had a plan
It was different from ours
To take you to heaven
Way up past the stars

Like the butterfly emerges
from it's cocoon
Like the bud of a rose
getting ready to bloom

Your spirit is set free
spread your wings and take flight
He's waiting for you
go into the light

I'll cry for awhile
maybe for years
Until I hold you in heaven
Where there are no more tears

So yes, I thought a butterfly would be a nice tribute. I like that I can wear the ring and know what it means, without the world having to know.

[trace]

Apr 17, 2013 22:10:07 GMT -5 azurely said:

Feel free to vent here. It's like a journal that talks back to you

For me, one of the only good things about going to the RE now is that I don't have to see pregnant ladies at every doctor's appt. I try very hard not to be a Bitter Betty, but listening to pregnant ladies complain about swollen ankles or food aversions is torture.

After I had my miscarriages, I got a butterfly ring after reading this poem. It's super corny, but I bawled and it still makes me tear up a little to think about it...

You were safe and warm
inside my womb
transforming and growing
just like a cocoon

We did anxiously await
for the day to arrive
Not knowing your fate
and that we'd be saying goodbye

God had a plan
It was different from ours
To take you to heaven
Way up past the stars

Like the butterfly emerges
from it's cocoon
Like the bud of a rose
getting ready to bloom

Your spirit is set free
spread your wings and take flight
He's waiting for you
go into the light

I'll cry for awhile
maybe for years
Until I hold you in heaven
Where there are no more tears

So yes, I thought a butterfly would be a nice tribute. I like that I can wear the ring and know what it means, without the world having to know.

That first part made me laugh . And the ring/poem made me tear up. But it was good. Thank you for that, azurely.

I am so so thankful to have found this place. You all are great.

[Deleted]

Apr 17, 2013 21:20:10 GMT -5 trace said:

Thank you, Kara.

Honey, we're in Baton Rouge but originally from Southern CA. I see you're in TX. We spent a long weekend in Houston over spring break. It was better than I expected; my dad's from the San Antonio area but I hadn't been to TX in over 16 years.

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I just wanted to comment / offer support that I lived in the BR area for about 2 years (we moved back home 3+ years ago). I met a lot of nice people there but I too hated it. I think that BR is one of those places where you have to be from.there to love it. I cried every time I landed at a Louisiana airport. I was absolutely miserable there. I don't know how that helps you - but you've at least got a fellow BR hater :-) we survived by trying to do fun touristy/unique things like Angola Prison Rodeo, taking trips elsewhere by car - San Antonio, Houston, Layfeyette, etc., going to NOLA a lot and checking out restaurants.

[bronxgirl]

I'm so, so sorry trace azurely speyedr and everyone else who has been in your situation. It's so painful and unfair.

[discogranny]

Luckily (I guess?) my RE was holding me until after first tri so I was still with "my people" for my m/c WTF appointment. I hate that you had to have that experience. Hugs to you. I hope your testing comes back with something that is easily fixable and makes your next baby a take home baby.

The other day a blog I read posted a link to this woman's Etsy site. She created it after having a loss after IVF. She has some specific jewelry for loss: www.etsy.com/shop/BamaRy

[trace]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the support. It was a hard day but I'm doing a little better today.

discogranny, thank you for that link. We're going to pick something out this weekend.

smileyface and mofongo, I love your shared hated of BR. It really is just not a good place. Even something as simple as driving here terrifies me. And I come from the Los Angeles area which people say has awful traffic. No. It's a completely different level of bad here. The proximity to NOLA is one of the only things that has kept me somewhat sane. We try to go down there as much as possible. And no offense to anyone who lives in/likes BR, but I think smiley hit the nail on the head about having to actually be from there to like it. Pretty much everyone I've talked to here absolutely loves it and would never ever consider leaving. And I can't wait to leave, anywhere but here is good.

Thanks again, ladies!

[Deleted]

Apr 18, 2013 17:50:42 GMT -5 trace said:

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the support. It was a hard day but I'm doing a little better today.

discogranny, thank you for that link. We're going to pick something out this weekend.

smileyface and mofongo, I love your shared hated of BR. It really is just not a good place. Even something as simple as driving here terrifies me. And I come from the Los Angeles area which people say has awful traffic. No. It's a completely different level of bad here. The proximity to NOLA is one of the only things that has kept me somewhat sane. We try to go down there as much as possible. And no offense to anyone who lives in/likes BR, but I think smiley hit the nail on the head about having to actually be from there to like it. Pretty much everyone I've talked to here absolutely loves it and would never ever consider leaving. And I can't wait to leave, anywhere but here is good.

Thanks again, ladies!