Celeb IF Struggles

[KaraOrNot]

I read this this morning.  I always think it is interesting when "celebs" (I am using the term loosely!) talk about IF...


Full article here.


Tom and Ashley Arnold: Our Rough Road to Parenthood

PEOPLE: Going back a bit, Tom — you’ve been very open about your low sperm count. How long have you known this was an issue? Is this something you made Ashley aware of relatively quickly? Why did you decide to go public with it?

Tom: When I was attending the University of Iowa, we’d donate blood and plasma to get extra beer money. One day at the hospital I saw a sign asking for sperm donors and it paid $35. I was psyched because, unlike blood, I believed I could donate this stuff three times a day. Fortunately, they give you a test first and the doctor informed me that I didn’t have many “swimmers.”

Turned out when I was born my testicles didn’t descend right away. It happens to boys sometimes. They stay inside you a while and cook. That’s why as soon as Jax was born — while the doctors were counting fingers and toes — I was counting testicles.

My infertility was a non-issue — a plus, actually — until I got married at 30. Then it became humbling. Not so much because I was ashamed, but because I knew my issue would have to be solved by the mother having to endure cycles of drugs, tests and hormones.

You have to be strong people in a strong marriage to endure that. It really weeds out the wimps and the shaky relationships, so as far as being good parent material, it’s probably for the best.

I first spoke publicly about my low sperm count in 1990, but that’s only because I thought I would have a child soon. Had I known at the time the love of my life and future mother of my child was a seventh-grader in Denver, I would’ve kept my big mouth shut.

I was honest with Ashley about all of my baggage on our first date and yet she came back for date two.

PEOPLE: Ashley, how did you process the news?

Ashley: I always knew that I was destined to be a mother. I struggled a bit in the beginning, knowing that it would not be an easy journey to have a child.

I figured this was the path I was supposed to be on, and just knew in the end, no matter what we would have a baby. If it was through IVF, adoption, a sperm donor … I knew we both were meant to be parents, and however we got there is the way it was supposed to happen.

PEOPLE: How did you come to the decision to do in-vitro — did you try other avenues first? Was there any point in time that you wanted to give up? Why did you press on?

Ashley: Tom and I discussed his struggle to have a baby very early on in our relationship. Tom wanted to go straight into the adoption process, which I understood considering all of the years he had already spent trying to have a baby. I knew in my heart that I was going to carry my baby, and I wasn’t ready to go that route quite yet.

I went to one of his fertility doctors to get the facts. When he told me that it wasn’t impossible for Tom to have a baby, that’s all I needed to hear. I ran with that.

I am a huge believer in homeopathic medicine, and this was one road Tom had not been down. I asked him to please give me six months to work on his sperm with Chinese medicine, and if there were no changes, then we would look into adoption. Tom agreed, and our journey had begun.

We were blessed to work with Dr. Jessica Chen and Dr. Dao at Tao of Wellness. If it weren’t for them, I know Jax would not be here today. I started to get my body ready to conceive and Tom followed everything that Dr. Chen asked him to do. He changed his diet, exercised, took herbs and showed up for treatment two times a week. Six months later, Tom’s sperm was tested and the numbers had gone way up. It was working!

We then got the thumbs up to do our first round of IVF with Dr. Richard Marrs. Our fertility roller coaster had just begun.

Tom: It says a lot about my wife’s character that she was willing to go with the same fertility doctor that tried to help my first wife and me. He is the best in the world, but that’s not enough for some people to get over.

Ashley: The hormone shots were very tough at first. They hurt and it was very uncomfortable. The weight gain was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I put on over 30 lbs. in less then two years. There are endless amounts of doctor’s appointments and needles constantly being put in your arm to draw blood.

It was an experience that I learned to take one day at a time. When I was going through the ups and downs with my own body and feelings, I had to keep my eye on the prize. I knew there would be a baby in the end, and that was the only thing that mattered to me.

The first round of IVF did not take. The second round we got the good news — we were pregnant! My numbers weren’t very strong, but we were reassured that could happen and to wait for the next blood test. Six weeks later, we lost the baby. We were heartbroken.

We took a couple months off and started all over again. The third time worked and we were on our way to what looked like a healthy pregnancy. The numbers were good and I was on my last appointment with Dr. Marrs before graduating to my OB-GYN.

This is when we heard, “I am so sorry — there is no heartbeat.” We lost another baby at 2½ months. This one put me over the edge — I was devastated. I collapsed in Tom’s arms, and he continued to be the strength and hold me up, but I knew he felt the same.

Tom: I will never forget Ashley’s face after the second miscarriage when the doctor told her he couldn’t find a heartbeat.

Ashley: We were both doing everything we were supposed to do. I had every psychic, healer, energy person and anyone that could pray and light a candle doing so all around us. The baby shrine that I started on day one in our bedroom was now spilling over with things that friends and family were sending us.

I believe in manifesting anything that you want, so why wasn’t I manifesting our baby?

Tom: I swore I would never allow her to be crushed like that again. I insisted we adopt immediately.

Ashley: We decided it was time to meet with the adoption lawyer. Those three hours didn’t sit well with me. Tom wanted to write a check and get started, and everything in my body was telling me I wasn’t ready.

Tom: She begged me for one more chance. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t say no. Thank God she’s a stubborn chick.

Ashley: I asked Tom to stick by me for one more round. We had two frozen embryos left and it was worth a shot. He agreed.

Tom: In the middle of this, I went to Dr. Philip Werthman, the sperm guru, and agreed to let him try a new procedure where he cut into my scrotum. Using a syringe, he extracted the sperm directly from my testicle in case my tubing was the problem. I became an even bigger fan of adoption that day.

Ashley: I went in for the last round and bingo — we were pregnant. I was basically on bed rest the first three months, only leaving the house for acupuncture. My numbers kept going up, and all looked great.

It was hard to believe, and we didn’t allow ourselves to get too excited. Every test, ultrasound and doctor’s appointment was so stressful. We both just waited for the other shoe to drop.

The first time Tom actually cried with excitement and relief was at the first trimester screening when the specialist said, “The baby is healthy.” We both started crying, and knew that our baby was finally here.

PEOPLE: Do you have any advice for other parents who are also struggling with fertility issues? Looking back now, with a newborn at home, what would you have told yourself?

Ashley: Never to give up. As long and hard as something may seem, keep your eye on the end result. Anything is possible. I have a collection of Buddhas on my baby shrine, and I can honestly say that I manifested the perfect Buddha.

Tom: Try to make sure you are up for it and with the right partner. It will probably be a rough road and your beautiful little baby deserves to come into a family that is still standing tall.

[lola]

My heart breaks for them, as it does for all couples who struggle with IF. However, I'm sorry, but it's an entirely different situation when you have so much money you can afford the world's best doctors, round and rounds and rounds of IVF with no worries, and adoption attorneys whenever and wherever you want.

I think one of the biggest challenges with IVF is the fact that the remedies are so expensive that we're forced to decide if we should give up, or take out a second mortgage. If I had a million bajillion dollars like they do this whole process would be way, way less stressful.

[KaraOrNot]

lola - I had the same thought when I read "never give up". It is easy to say when you have the resources to do that. For us, it is a question if we can even afford it once. However, I still like it when people talk about their struggles and the awareness that it brings to IF.

[BNL2]

I agree with both of you. Money definitely impacts the stress level of dealing with IF.

[azurely]

My heart hurts for Khloe K and Guilana & Bill and all other celebs dealing with IF, but, like others said, it is a whole different ballgame when you have access to the best doctors and an unlimited amount of money to spend.

Ditto lola, dealing with IF would be much less stressful if we didn't have to deal with the financial part of it.

[bronxgirl]

I've never heard of any of these people.

[KaraOrNot]

Apr 21, 2013 22:08:08 GMT -5 bronxgirl said:

I've never heard of any of these people.

I said I was using celeb loosely!  Tom Arnold was married to Roseanne Barr.  I think he has also been in some movies and TV shows.  

[changedname]

I thought the same thing as you guys - money is a key factor for us regular folks. I just read Nia Vardolos' book "Instant Mom" about her IF and then adoption of her daughter. She went through 14 failed IVFs.

[lola]

Apr 22, 2013 6:57:14 GMT -5 changedname said:

I thought the same thing as you guys - money is a key factor for us regular folks. I just read Nia Vardolos' book "Instant Mom" about her IF and then adoption of her daughter. She went through 14 failed IVFs.

You know what? I hate to say something this flamable and then leave bc I am about to run to a meeting, but I'm doing it. 

I honest to God wonder about the ethics of this. Like, to me, it seems unconscionable to spend that much money on IVF. 


 

[changedname]

lola - I am also curious about the effects on her body. She says her husband and doctor were begging her to stop after 6 or 7 and she wouldn't. Her husband was really upset at the toll it was taking on her but she "couldn't give up". (The 14 also included a couple of ER with a transfer to a surrogate).

[jewel]

I actually like Tom's advice. IF is tough, personally and as a couple. It's easy to get overwhelmed with stress, and to put much less priority on your marriage. That's a good reminder, for me at least.

While I feel for their difficulties, the rest of it is a bunch of malarkey. Having that kind of disposable income completely changes the game. If I wasn't worried about the cost of anything, I'd be a million times less stressed. I'd go straight to IVF, quit work, get acupuncture regularly, etc. That's not a realistic option for most people. It's definitely doesn't make the rest of us any less dedicated.

[degal99]

Ok, I'm more grossed out, not by the age difference per se, but by the fact that when he was 30, she was in the 7th grade.     (And I know that it doesn't mean as a 30 year old he was attracted to a 7th grader, I just don't like the wording!)

[Deleted]

I also, a little bit, roll my eyes at the number of celebrities who have twins denying infertility treatments. I'm looking at you, Angelina Jolie!

Then, I roll my eyes at myself for giving a shit!