I'm sorry, PS. Don't feel like a shitty daughter. I don't remember the entire backstory, but from what you've posted here your dad chose to be selfish most of his life. You don't owe him anything, your first priority should be yourself. Hugs.
My heart is hurting for you. He didn't know how to show you he cared and you took him at face value. That doesn't make you a shitty daughter. Relationships change and evolve and that's okay. Do what you need to do to come to terms with this, but do not blame yourself. It is what it is.
I don't have any advice about your dad. My dad behaves similarly toward me. It's weird and I avoid him. It's probably not the most "grown-up" way to handle the situation, but it works.
I don't have any advice about your dad. My dad behaves similarly toward me. It's weird and I avoid him. It's probably not the most "grown-up" way to handle the situation, but it works.
That is what I had been doing, but I called it "distancing myself from a toxic situation". Honestly, at the time it was what I needed. I was pretty happy only seeming them once every few months. But when your dad has this sad, far away look in his eyes and is telling you how much he misses you... you start to feel guilty.
The anger you've felt towards your father in the past is normal. So is the pity. This sounds so hard for all of you. You don't have to reconcile these versions of your father right now if you're not ready. It sounds like he's never known how to express his feelings towards you. There could be a million different reasons for that. But now you know that however he acts, you're important to him. That doesn't mean you need to do anything other than continue being yourself and living the way you think is best.
Also, it's good to hear that your H's grandfather is doing well.
First of all. Yay grandpa! He's a tough nut. Glad he's doing well after surgery.
And secondly, I want to weep for you. I've had the good fortune of having two stable, if quirky, parents growing up and I'm trying to imagine feeling like you have to look after one of them who didn't treat you so well. I'm really sorry, ps, and you are one strong person. Your dad is lucky to have you. Do what you can do and take care of yourself first.
Post by captainmel on Apr 23, 2013 10:30:13 GMT -5
What an impressive Grandpa! Yay for him.
The situation with your dad is really hard. He clearly does really care about you but if he can't show it properly than I think distancing yourself from him is still wise. If he wants a closer relationship he has to take the steps to show you how much he values you. You are not obligated to be his security blanket while he is in the hospital.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. (((((((((Big hugs))))))
Post by partiallysunny on Apr 23, 2013 10:34:04 GMT -5
Thank you so much for the love. You guys are so right. People change and relationships change. Maybe (a big maybe) our relationship can be better moving forward. I will have to wait and see on that account and take it one day at a time.
I'm going to keep repeating to myself "you don't owe anyone anything" when ever I start to feel guilty. I did do what was best for me at the time and I'm going to try my hardest not to feel bad about it.
Post by starrieskies on Apr 23, 2013 10:35:32 GMT -5
PS, I wish I had the magical words to make all of this pain and confusion go away. I'm literally typing with tears in my eyes for you.
You're so strong, and I have no doubt that your parents see and appreciate that. Your strength and determination to do what is right for you and your family is probably very calming to him. He knows that he doesn't have to worry about you, you're going to be fine, and I'm sure he is proud of you whether he shows it or not.
Please be kind to yourself! Continue doing what is best for you, and know that you are in our thoughts and we are here for you!
Post by wrathofkuus on Apr 23, 2013 10:42:04 GMT -5
I usually say this about couples, but it's true about family, too:
Love, the feeling, isn't inherently valuable to anyone other than the person feeling it. Your feelings only become valuable to others because of what they inspire you to do, because you actively give love because of them. Someone who feels love for you but doesn't give love to you is phenotypically identical to someone who feels nothing for you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if he loves you in a way that only benefits him, because he gets to feel all the squishy feelings without having to give anything back, then you've already given him more than his due by inspiring those feelings. You don't need to feel guilty.
You're so strong, and I have no doubt that your parents see and appreciate that. Your strength and determination to do what is right for you and your family is probably very calming to him. He knows that he doesn't have to worry about you, you're going to be fine, and I'm sure he is proud of you whether he shows it or not.
I'm going to ditto this. My dad has admitted this much to me in the past. He can't answer for anything else that he's said or done and he certainly isn't going to change his ways (he's only gotten more evil in the past couple years), but at least I got that much out of him.