How do you deal with grand kid favoritism?

[beaver12]

Overall, I have good inlaws. I have no issue with FIL, he's great. MIL, on the other hand, favors SIL's kids. I used to get along great with her until this all started coming to light.

DD has her first ballet recital tomorrow. The plan was for MIL and FIL to come up for the day. FIL is going to help DH put together a play structure for the backyard and then we'd all go to the recital. Then it changed to MIL going to DN2's t-ball game in the morning and coming to our house afterward. I just got an email from her this morning saying that she's now going to spend the day with SIL's family and go with them to the recital at 3pm. Ugh. She spends so much time with those kids and it's not fair to mine.

A couple months back she had planned to spend the day with DD because she hadn't spent time with her in a long time and had spent a lot with my nieces (she was up here because SIL had another baby). The morning of the planned outing she called to say she would be late (10 am instead of 8:30), then DN2 was going to join them at the pottery painting place. So DD's special day gets hijacked and shortened (she still naps). Then DN1 gets jealous so MIL makes a special trip the next weekend to take DN1 to the pottery place.

These are just two examples of many. She often takes my nieces for weekends. It's really starting to wear on me and I'm starting to resent SIL's family because of it. DH has talked to his dad about it and FIL is trying to encourage MIL to spend more time with our kids. MIL is overly sensitive and if we confront her, she is likely to never get over it.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to end up hating MIL over this, but I don't know how to just let it go.

[pugz]

I am sorry I don't really had any advice, I think talking to FIL is good, it sounds like he recognizes the issue too. Maybe just reinforce how much your daughter would like one on one time with her grandma every once in awhile.

[Deleted]

I think you just suck it up, especially if your DD hasn't noticed yet. You can't tell someone how to be a grandma, and you can't expect relationships like this to be "fair". You can keep inviting her to things and try to set up opportunities for them to spend time together. That's about it. Life gets a lot easier when you don't expect things of people that they're not going to live up to.

[statlerwaldorf]

How old are DD, DN1, and DN2? What does your DH think about the situation?

[Deleted]

Back the train up....neither your H nor your FIL will talk to your MIL about it because of how you think she'll act? I would lose my sh^t if everyone was tip toeing around an adult while my kids feelings might be hurt. I think its time to open Pandora's box and ask MIL what the deal is.
If she then doesn't want to come over at all, its not like you lost anything.
Before I came into the post, I was prepared to tell you that you just had to let it go because you can't force her to do something and it will probably be awkward to tell her you've been keeping score, but if no one has said anything because she might get angry because you asked her to spend time with your innocent child, thats just silliness.
ETA:I should add that my opinion is based on the fact that I wasn't the favored grandchild. My G-ma was down right mean to me sometimes. Of coarse my dad thought I should just suck it up but after one particularly bad incident where I was excluded my mom asked her WTH the deal was. She (G-ma) tried to not make it so obvious after that at least.

[beaver12]

Jun 8, 2012 11:49:31 GMT -5 statlerwaldorf said:

How old are DD, DN1, and DN2? What does your DH think about the situation?

DD is almost 3, DN1 is almost 9, and DN2 is almost 6. She's been taking my nieces for weekends since they were 6 months old.

[SusanBAnthony]

That would drive me CRAZY. I probably wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut (by which I mean, I would force DH to deal with it ).

Could you plan/invite her to do something very little kiddish, that a 6 and 9 would not be interested in? Like maybe sign them up for a preschool age class together that is 3-5 year olds only?

[beaver12]

Yes, everyone tip-toes around MIL's feelings. they do it to SIL too. Drives me nuts.

DD hasn't noticed. I know I should just stop expecting anything, but it's so hard.

I'll be gone for a bit, but will be back in a couple hours. Thanks to everyone so far.

[Deleted]

I would personally ignore it.

I'm not really sure if this is a case of favoritism. Maybe SIL always asks her mom to take the kids, etc? Also, I've heard that grandmothers are typically closer and will do more for their daughter's kids than son's kids because the mother/daughter relationship (after daughter became a mom) gets stronger.

[mrshandy]

It sucks. But it sounds like she has bonded more with your DNs. Maybe as she gets older she'll have a closer bond.

Your daughter is younger and hasn't noticed it. I would ignore it, keep creating opportunities, but at the same time adjust your expectations.

But this is coming from the perspective of someone who really didn't have a close relationship with my grandparents. They lived far away, never came to any sporting events, graduations, etc.

It's not really fair, but guilting your MIL into a relationship probably isn't the best way to get what you want.

[megs193]

I would say something now. I don't like the idea of waiting until your DD notices because then her feelings will already be hurt. I grew up with grandparents that favored my cousins and it sucked. My MIL spends very little time with my son but I think it is just because she is a shitty grandma. If she spends more time with my SIL's kids once they have them then I will definitely call her out. You can treat me like crap all day and I will probably keep my mouth shut but you don't hurt my kids feelings.

[Deleted]

I completely get why you're hurt and upset on your dd's behalf. But if your H or his father can't even talk to your MIL about it, I don't see how there's much to be done. Maybe if your FIL realizes this is a problem, he will try to make up for it a bit and foster a special relationship with your daughter?

[cinco]

It sucks, but I don't think it is uncommon for grandmothers to be closer to their daughter's kids than their son's. DH and I decided to just try and laugh it off. I think my kids are too young to notice, but if they did I know DH would say something. As a DIL I'd keep my mouth shut.

[chessie]

I would let it go. It happened to with me growing up, never thought much of it.

[Deleted]

The age thing matters. And these things change with time. By the time DN1 is 15, your kid will be 8 and probably the star of the show.

I just can't imagine how you can have this conversation with a drama queen and have anything positive come out of it.

[fbf2006]

Jun 8, 2012 12:02:50 GMT -5 d0ri said:

I would personally ignore it.

I'm not really sure if this is a case of favoritism. Maybe SIL always asks her mom to take the kids, etc? Also, I've heard that grandmothers are typically closer and will do more for their daughter's kids than son's kids because the mother/daughter relationship (after daughter became a mom) gets stronger.

This is what it seems like to me. She's probably close to her daughter, who probably asks her to help her with the kids more because, well it's her mother. Did you ever ask her to take your kid/s at/after they were 6 months? I don't think it's something she would ask you as I've seen people on these boards indicate that's too early for them. I'm also thinking the age thing matters.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I totally understand why you're feeling hurt.

Can you say something casually, rather than turning it into a whole confrontation? Maybe call her up and say, "hey, MIL, it seems like you've had a lot of time with the nieces lately, and I thought it would be nice for DD to spend some one on one time with her Grandma." Then set something up -- it would probably work best if you phrase it so she's doing you a favor by watching her. Maybe drop her at Grandma's so you and your H can have a date night. Or drop her off, then take the day and go shopping, go to the spa, whatever.

Also, I agree with others that the kids' ages are a factor. At 6 and 9 they have a lot going on and are pretty independent (compared to a 3 year old who still needs help with the potty, etc.), so spending time with them is probably easier. Once they're teenagers, they won't want to spend a whole lot of time with Grandma, but your daughter will be at a really fun age, and I bet Grandma will want to spend time at her events.

[cookiemdough]

I can relate completely to what you are describing. We get a fraction of the time that my MIL spends with my SIL's kids. Mostly though because SIL asks for more help and I generally ask my mother for help. It doesn't usually bother me unless she changes plans which generally includes either shortening her time with DS or bring my nephews so that my DS doesn't get any one on one time, even though she spent a lot of one on one with them.

Just recently on her last visit my DS did say something about why Nana isn't coming to stay at our house. So I think at some point we will need to have a discussion about the fact he is getting old enough to notice the difference in time spent. She can fix this by trying to spend more time with DS or doing better about not breaking or changing plans once she gets in town.

[beaver12]

Thanks for the responses. It really helps to know that we're not the only ones who deal with this. I do think part of the issue is that SIL asks for more help. There is some genuine bailing on MIL's part though. We asked her to watch DD while I was in the hospital having DS, then my Mom was going to stay a week, then we asked MIL to come stay the week after to help DD adjust. She did watch her while we were in the hospital, but didn't follow her schedule at all, so that she could spend time with SIL's family. Then she acted all confused about the second week thing and blew it off. Whatever, I managed both kids just fine (DH was already back at work).

I don't feel like we can really ask for more though. MIL will never say no to SIL and FIL already vents to DH about not having time to themselves. I had hopes that as our kids got older things would change, but I kind of doubt it. SIL had another baby. My kids are almost 1 and 3 and now I have a 3 month old nephew. I'd bet money that nephew will be favored over my kids.

I really need to work on letting it go. My parents are amazing grandparents. It really is MIL who is going to end up missing out.

[redheadk]

My dad's parents favored my cousins (dad's sister's kids) over me and my sisters. You know what? Oh, well. I knew my dad was hurt by it but my parents never said a word to me about it. Instead, they fostered our relationship with my mom's mom.

They sort of blew us off the way that your MIL is blowing off your kids. I promise that it hurts you much more than your kids, especially since they have a strong relationship with your parents. I'd just focus on that, foster that relationship, and stop trying to force a relationship that your MIL clearly isn't interested in and let it go.

If you want to know where we ended up...several years ago, my maternal grandmother was in the hospital for 3 months. My sisters and I traded off spending every waking moment with her. Anytime she has a medical procedure and needs help, we're there. She lives very close to me now and I often meet her for lunch.

My dad's mom has been on the verge of dying for over a year and I haven't seen her in all that time. That might sound callous but she has some dementia and doesn't know who I am anyway. I don't need to see her for myself. When she passes, I will feel sorry for my dad but I honestly won't miss her because she's more like a distant relative that I knew in passing than anything else. I don't feel bad about it. It wasn't my job as a child to foster a relationship with her and she resisted my parents efforts. Her loss.

(I have to admit, it's a little bit satisfying that my cousins are unsuccessful losers and my sisters and I are all good kids, college graduates, finished or in grad school, have great jobs, nice homes, great friends, and are just overall successful and happy.)

[fbf2006]

I don't know. I really think it probably has more to do with the mother/daughter relationship that one's MIL showing favoritism. I think sometimes guys just don't foster that relationship the way they should that would encourage MILs to be more free with their daughters in law?

[hannamarin]

Jun 8, 2012 16:53:17 GMT -5 fbf2006 said:

I don't know. I really think it probably has more to do with the mother/daughter relationship that one's MIL showing favoritism. I think sometimes guys just don't foster that relationship the way they should that would encourage MILs to be more free with their daughters in law?

I agree with this. She might feel weird invading your space, or parenting your kids. Even if she loves you.

[momof2boys]

Ugh, that would upset me! My MIL was playing favorites between MY two kids. And I have two boys, so its not like it was a gender thing (though she has always told me she prefers girls). My kids were still too young to realize but she was bringing things on holidays (easter baskets etc) for one of my sons, not the other. Then on my youngest sons birthday she brought a gift that my oldest son wanted. When my youngest opened it she told my oldest he could have it. I told my DH that he could talk to his mother and stop the behavior, or I would. And if I did it it wasn't going to be pretty! She was to either treat our children equally or not see them at all. It worked...

[momof2boys]

Ugh, that would upset me! My MIL was playing favorites between MY two kids. And I have two boys, so its not like it was a gender thing (though she has always told me she prefers girls). My kids were still too young to realize but she was bringing things on holidays (easter baskets etc) for one of my sons, not the other. Then on my youngest sons birthday she brought a gift that my oldest son wanted. When my youngest opened it she told my oldest he could have it. I told my DH that he could talk to his mother and stop the behavior, or I would. And if I did it it wasn't going to be pretty! She was to either treat our children equally or not see them at all. It worked...