What do you do when infertility gets the best of you?

[Deleted]

I'm a pretty stoic person, I've never been overly emotional.  I saw my old judge yesterday at a bar assn event.  She knows I've been unhappy in my current job and we were talking a bit about as to where to go from here.  In her usual jovial manner she joked that I should just have a baby.  I think all the color ran out of my face and I teared up as I responded that we can't have children.   I hate how emotional this process can be, especially as someone who is not usually that way.  Sometimes it just gets the best of me.  She immediately apologized and gave me a hug, but I felt like an idiot tearing up in a room full of people.  Luckily we were off to the side, I'm sure no one noticed and it is allergy season  .  

[discogranny]

I am not sure there is much you can do. I can laugh off and fake it in response to pretty much any comment from a stranger/random family member, etc. but sometimes it just happens.

Last night my friend's 11 year old daughter and I were alone at a restaurant table while her mom went to the bathroom and out of nowhere she told me that she was sorry my baby died, it made her really sad and that she thinks I would be a great mom. She then asked me if we would try again and I fought tears and told her yes, eventually. She got excited for us but I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to collect myself when her mom got back.

Hugs to you, I am sorry you are even in this situation. Just know you aren't crying in public alone.

[midwest07]

As someone who wasn't sure I even wanted kids until a few years ago, and then somewhat reluctantly jumped into TTC last year (because I was just sure it would happen right away and I wasn't really ready yet!), I totally understand where you are coming from. I swore I wouldn't be one of "those" women and that if I couldn't get pregnant, I would be ok with it. But things will catch me out of the blue, mostly offhand comments like "when you have kids, you will understand" or something like that. No harm meant by the person talking but it will hit me unexpectedly. I also get tired of the well-meaning people who have suggestions as to what will help us get pregnant - take these vitamins, eat this food, etc.

And what do I do about it? Usually have some wine with my H, because that's something I still can do!

[lola]

Ugh, I have no idea. (((bons)))

[HoneySpider]

Well I cry over lots of stuff in public, some of it pretty stupid/minor, so I'm no help.

Lots of hugs!

[Deleted]

Apr 26, 2013 9:59:48 GMT -5 midwest07 said:

As someone who wasn't sure I even wanted kids until a few years ago, and then somewhat reluctantly jumped into TTC last year (because I was just sure it would happen right away and I wasn't really ready yet!), I totally understand where you are coming from. I swore I wouldn't be one of "those" women and that if I couldn't get pregnant, I would be ok with it. But things will catch me out of the blue, mostly offhand comments like "when you have kids, you will understand" or something like that. No harm meant by the person talking but it will hit me unexpectedly. I also get tired of the well-meaning people who have suggestions as to what will help us get pregnant - take these vitamins, eat this food, etc.

And what do I do about it? Usually have some wine with my H, because that's something I still can do!

This is totally me! I'm still fairly certain I could live a happy and fulfilled child free life, but damn it gets to you sometimes!

[changedname]

I don't know Bonsoir. It's so hard. Hugs, at least the judge was a friend and not some random aquaintance - that would be worse.

[G22]

I don't usually cry in public. But when someone asks, they also might as well stab me with a knife and twist because that's the feeling I get.

A good cry alone for a few minutes usually makes me feel a bit better. I had one in the car yesterday.

[genet313]

 i have no advice.  if i did, i'd not have similar incidents like this.  

what's been soothing me lately is just to try to learn to accept the fact that life is just unfair sometimes.  and that's ok.  not everybody gets "everything".  and as much as that sucks, it's ok. so when i see people who are pregnant or seem like they have the perfect happy family, i try not to be jealous, not to be upset, b/c you never know what sadness that person has in his/her life. 

hugs bonsoir.  big ones.

[jewel]

Drink. A lot.

Just kidding, kind of.

I work with a woman who asks me about getting pregnant every single time I see her (every 3 months or so). She means well, and is just really excited for me. Today, we ate lunch together and she told me that I eat like a bird and maybe that's why I'm not pregnant yet. I should eat more. I just kind of laughed it off and said - no, I don't think that's it.

midwest07 - I have some other coworkers who will often say those same things like "when you're a parent, you'll understand" or "you don't know, you don't have kids." I HATE comments like that. Not only am I having major issues getting pregnant, but now you're pointing out how ignorant being childless makes me. Thanks.

I have a friend who has been TTC (charting, well-timed) for 6 months without success and is getting worried. All of her friends have told her to calm down and just relax. I told her to do whatever she wants. The only people spouting off that kind of advice either got pregnant easily, or have never tried.

It sucks Bons, and we all know it. I don't really do much more than just try to survive the rough moments. I would love to drown my sorrows at the mall, but I need the money for fertility treatments.

[bronxgirl]

Big hugs, @bonsoirlune and everyone else. It is soooo hard. As a therapist there are many coping strategies I could tell you, but as a person going through it what I usually do is cry and drink. I have found that distraction helps, but the problem with reading a new novel or watching a movie, etc., is that unplanned pregnancy is a common plot device and then I get so freaking angry.

[Deleted]

I've made a concerted effort to make some changes going into this year. I've gotten back into yoga and it really helps. I've got my support system. I started volunteering at the local homeless shelter teaching financial literacy. So lots of new distractions. It's tough.

[KaraOrNot]

I wish I knew. I cried in the grocery store today, when H told me that his cousin is pregnant. Not that it matters, but she is in a not great marriage, has no money, and they weren't trying. It just isn't fair. Nothing will make me think that it is ok and no distraction will make it easier. I don't think this is a healthy attitude, but I don't know what will make it better.

[kershnic]

It sucks. I really can't handle seeing pregnant people right now, which is hard when a woman in one of the offices I work out of is very pregnant and we have several clients who are pregnant. I avoid interactions as much as I can and am sure I look like a total baby/pregnancy hating bitch. But it makes me either want to cry my eyes out or kick someone.

[kershnic]

In the realm of more helpful suggestions, I've been doing some meditations from circle and bloom. I'm doing the PCOS for health one, and am planning to eventually do the miscarriage/loss session, and then the IVF cycle ones when we finally get there. I'm ssooo not a meditation person - much more of a cynic who makes fun of meditation - but it has been kind of nice and peaceful.

[speyedr]

I am in nursing school and twice last week was in situations where either a patient I was working with or a wife of one was pregnant and due right around my due date of my m/c. It was so hard for me to keep my composure in both situations but especially so with the patient because she was due the day after I was and was in the room when they listened for fetal heart tones. It kills me. I also have a friend in school with me who is 22 and has a three year old that was not planned and now won't stop talking about wanting another one. She knows about my m/c and is just so insensitive about it. I am mostly pretty stoic as well but these situations make me lose it and nobody else quite understands. I was in the middle of the surgery recovery room when I started crying after hearing those fetal heart tones though and it wasn't pretty....I had to walk away for a bit.

[belovedbride07]

I cry a lot -- I'm a big crier in general, so this isn't a huge surprise.  It hasn't happened in public yet, but that's just lucky...I'm sure it will eventually.

Right now I'm drinking a mimosa; alcohol helps.

I'm an anxious person in general, and I find that if I don't have something to occupy my mind I start to focus on the bad.  I listen to podcasts and audiobooks when I'm alone to keep my mind busy, and goof off online.  

Hugs all around...

[bronxgirl]

Apr 27, 2013 9:56:51 GMT -5 speyedr said:

I am in nursing school and twice last week was in situations where either a patient I was working with or a wife of one was pregnant and due right around my due date of my m/c. It was so hard for me to keep my composure in both situations but especially so with the patient because she was due the day after I was and was in the room when they listened for fetal heart tones. It kills me. I also have a friend in school with me who is 22 and has a three year old that was not planned and now won't stop talking about wanting another one. She knows about my m/c and is just so insensitive about it. I am mostly pretty stoic as well but these situations make me lose it and nobody else quite understands. I was in the middle of the surgery recovery room when I started crying after hearing those fetal heart tones though and it wasn't pretty....I had to walk away for a bit.

I'm so sorry.  that must be so hard.  I once went on a tour of a hospital that prides themselves on being "homey" and patient centered blah, blah, blah.  I was there with my hospital b/c we were supposed to learn from them.  Anyways, one of the things they were so proud of is that whenever a baby was born they would play a few bars of a lullaby throughout the entire hospital.  The first thing I thought of (and this was years before TTC) was "this would be an awful place to work if you're dealing with infertility."

[azurely]

Apr 28, 2013 17:48:26 GMT -5 bronxgirl said:

Apr 27, 2013 9:56:51 GMT -5 speyedr said:

I am in nursing school and twice last week was in situations where either a patient I was working with or a wife of one was pregnant and due right around my due date of my m/c. It was so hard for me to keep my composure in both situations but especially so with the patient because she was due the day after I was and was in the room when they listened for fetal heart tones. It kills me. I also have a friend in school with me who is 22 and has a three year old that was not planned and now won't stop talking about wanting another one. She knows about my m/c and is just so insensitive about it. I am mostly pretty stoic as well but these situations make me lose it and nobody else quite understands. I was in the middle of the surgery recovery room when I started crying after hearing those fetal heart tones though and it wasn't pretty....I had to walk away for a bit.

I'm so sorry.  that must be so hard.  I once went on a tour of a hospital that prides themselves on being "homey" and patient centered blah, blah, blah.  I was there with my hospital b/c we were supposed to learn from them.  Anyways, one of the things they were so proud of is that whenever a baby was born they would play a few bars of a lullaby throughout the entire hospital.  The first thing I thought of (and this was years before TTC) was "this would be an awful place to work if you're dealing with infertility."

A couple of the hospitals around here do this. Thank God the hospital I was in when I had my D&C didn't do this (or I just didn't notice), but I have a friend who lost her baby later in pregnancy and spent some time in the hospital to recover afterward. Not only did she have to be on the maternity floor, but she heard that stupid song multiple times a day. So not fun

[bananapancakes]

Apr 28, 2013 21:32:05 GMT -5 azurely said:

Apr 28, 2013 17:48:26 GMT -5 bronxgirl said:

I'm so sorry.  that must be so hard.  I once went on a tour of a hospital that prides themselves on being "homey" and patient centered blah, blah, blah.  I was there with my hospital b/c we were supposed to learn from them.  Anyways, one of the things they were so proud of is that whenever a baby was born they would play a few bars of a lullaby throughout the entire hospital.  The first thing I thought of (and this was years before TTC) was "this would be an awful place to work if you're dealing with infertility."

A couple of the hospitals around here do this. Thank God the hospital I was in when I had my D&C didn't do this (or I just didn't notice), but I have a friend who lost her baby later in pregnancy and spent some time in the hospital to recover afterward. Not only did she have to be on the maternity floor, but she heard that stupid song multiple times a day. So not fun

My hospital does this too. I heard that stupid song twice while I was lying on a stretcher waiting for my D&C last week. It was brutal. 

Oh, and hi! I don't know if I really belong on this board but I've been lurking since my miscarriage.

[G22]

bananapancakes, I'm so sorry about your m/c. And doubly sorry you had had to deal the music while you were there. Someone needs to complain about that! If I ever hear it done when I'm in a hospital, I'll say something.

You are welcome here. I'm sorry circumstances brought you here, but its a good group we have here. Stay around

[KaraOrNot]

Sorry for your loss, bananapancakes

[speyedr]

Apr 28, 2013 21:49:52 GMT -5 bananapancakes said:

Apr 28, 2013 21:32:05 GMT -5 azurely said:

A couple of the hospitals around here do this. Thank God the hospital I was in when I had my D&C didn't do this (or I just didn't notice), but I have a friend who lost her baby later in pregnancy and spent some time in the hospital to recover afterward. Not only did she have to be on the maternity floor, but she heard that stupid song multiple times a day. So not fun

My hospital does this too. I heard that stupid song twice while I was lying on a stretcher waiting for my D&C last week. It was brutal. 

Oh, and hi! I don't know if I really belong on this board but I've been lurking since my miscarriage.

I have worked at three hospitals and two have played songs when babies are born and the one I work at now is so small we don't deliver so I don't have to worry about it. Before I was in the tttc camp, I always thought it was cute, but now I see a totally different side. 

[melindafelinda]

I pretty much cry. Or get angry. Depending on the situation.

I'm also fine with just telling people that we've had a lot of trouble when they bring up "when are you having kids" or the like.

The most recent thing was at an appointment a nurse said "I understand, I could never have children either". I know she was trying to be nice but it killed me that she assumed it was forever over for me. I choked and cried and she felt terrible.

[BNL2]

I drink and drink some more. I also tend to lash out with snark or sarcasm as a way to deflect questions about children. I don't think my coping skills are the best, but it gets me through.