Ha! TIP on the old TIP!

[heartlyric]

www.thenest.com/forums/life-boards_trouble-in-paradise_at-the-end-of-my-ropereally-think-i-want-to-leave-this-time


So, a bit of back story, I believe H has a porn addiction. He has lied to me about it every time I have found porn, had to get a smart phone last year, which he deletes the hx from daily and has a much lower sex drive for me than I have for him. I feel like this has driven a huge wedge between us. Add to this the fact that he smokes pot and drinks too much. He is an artist, and in his group of friends all these things are pretty standard. He has cut back on his drinking lately, but he is basically in the garage most nights until about 8 working, drinking and smoking, then comes in eats dinner with me and passes out. I am very lonely. We do go out, and then things typically go well. But it is more the day in day out living that we just feel too incompitable with. With all these issues, it is really the porn and being willing to lie about it that bothers me the most. I feel like in turn, I am so hung up on sex with him because it is the only time I feel connected with him anymore, and like he is not choosing porn over me.

The only time I really feel close to his is when we are on vacation, because he actually spends time with me then...and can't smoke pot. I feel so bad leaving him because I feel bad for him, and I know he really does love me. But I just can't see staying with him without some major changes, and I know you can't change somebody. I have tried to come to terms with things, and reframe the way I look at things, and it typically works for awhile but then all the problems come flooding back. I am so scared that I am making a huge mistake by leaving, but also afraid of wasting anymore time here.

I am 25, we have been married almost 5 yrs, no kids, own our home.

[Deleted]

I told her to come post over here and she'll get some good advice!

[kmw325i]

Shouldn't have married a pot smoking, porn watching drinker if she didn't want to be married to a pot smoking, porn watching drinker.

just sayin'.

[Deleted]

But she was a very mature 20 year old!

[heartlyric]

May 12, 2012 15:52:20 GMT -5 kmw325i said:

Shouldn't have married a pot smoking, porn watching drinker if she didn't want to be married to a pot smoking, porn watching drinker.

just sayin'.

eh, I think she was just young, stupid and dumb when they got married. It sounds like she has a moment of clarity but doesn't know what to do with it. Wish I knew what to tell her.

[patti654]

Well I just reposted this over here but see I shouldn't have bothered. Yes, I would agree i shouldn't have gotten married at 20. The pot I knew about, which didn't really bother me at the time. I had no idea about the porn(Why I shouldn't have gotten married at 20, had I been older maybe I would have known that this was a deal breaker, and what to do about it..exce[t now it seems like every single woman I talk to has a spouse that watches porn. So, are there actually guys out there that don't?? Also, I didn't know the extent of the drinking, infact I am sure it has gotten worse. Also, the porn use has gotten worse, as the only means he had to watch it when we met was a dvd player, now he has a laptop and a smart phone.

[heartlyric]

May 12, 2012 18:23:03 GMT -5 patti654 said:

Well I just reposted this over here but see I shouldn't have bothered. Yes, I would agree i shouldn't have gotten married at 20. The pot I knew about, which didn't really bother me at the time. I had no idea about the porn(Why I shouldn't have gotten married at 20, had I been older maybe I would have known that this was a deal breaker, and what to do about it..exce[t now it seems like every single woman I talk to has a spouse that watches porn. So, are there actually guys out there that don't?? Also, I didn't know the extent of the drinking, infact I am sure it has gotten worse. Also, the porn use has gotten worse, as the only means he had to watch it when we met was a dvd player, now he has a laptop and a smart phone.

Yes there are such men that don't watch porn. Will you find one? I doubt it, because there are very few men that don't watch some form of porn.

[patti654]

So, of that is my main problem I should just get over it, and move on..and see if I can live w the other stuff? He jas cit way back on his drinking, which is a start.

[ravenb1111]

May 12, 2012 15:23:59 GMT -5 heartlyric said:

www.thenest.com/forums/life-boards_trouble-in-paradise_at-the-end-of-my-ropereally-think-i-want-to-leave-this-time


So, a bit of back story, I believe H has a porn addiction. He has lied to me about it every time I have found porn, had to get a smart phone last year, which he deletes the hx from daily and has a much lower sex drive for me than I have for him. I feel like this has driven a huge wedge between us. Add to this the fact that he smokes pot and drinks too much. He is an artist, and in his group of friends all these things are pretty standard. He has cut back on his drinking lately, but he is basically in the garage most nights until about 8 working, drinking and smoking, then comes in eats dinner with me and passes out. I am very lonely. We do go out, and then things typically go well. But it is more the day in day out living that we just feel too incompitable with. With all these issues, it is really the porn and being willing to lie about it that bothers me the most. I feel like in turn, I am so hung up on sex with him because it is the only time I feel connected with him anymore, and like he is not choosing porn over me.

The only time I really feel close to his is when we are on vacation, because he actually spends time with me then...and can't smoke pot. I feel so bad leaving him because I feel bad for him, and I know he really does love me. But I just can't see staying with him without some major changes, and I know you can't change somebody. I have tried to come to terms with things, and reframe the way I look at things, and it typically works for awhile but then all the problems come flooding back. I am so scared that I am making a huge mistake by leaving, but also afraid of wasting anymore time here.

I am 25, we have been married almost 5 yrs, no kids, own our home.

I feel like you know in your heart what you should do? Do you smoke or did you? You don't have to answer I'm only asking because why wasn't it an issue then and one now? And the porn I don't see it an issue unless it clearly changing your sex life. But to me it sounds like you just ready for a different part of your life and there's nothing wrong with that.. Drinking a smoking all day.. Ehh cool when you 17? Ok but 25? Not when you not progressing in you life together. Be thankful you have no children together so you can really think straight. Really ask yourself is this what I want my child raised around? Is it even what you want to be around? it times to really ask yourself what do you want? And honestly it doesn't sound like him...

[demofea01]

It sounds like you have done some work on your end to possibly try and change the situation, but it will never get any better unless he is also willing to work on the things that are wrong here.

[patti654]

I know it is not the right situation to bring kids into, partly due to all thr resentment. He really is a nice guy w some really bad habits.

[alecto819]

Is your issue with the porn? Or is it with the fact that he's choosing porn over you?

I don't particularly like porn. I find it amusing and silly. But I have no objection to it for other people, I just find myself laughing at it.

If your issue is with the porn, try and find someone who doesn't watch it. If it's with the fact that he seems to be putting porn, booze and pot ahead of you in your marriage, then focus on that.

[patti654]

I would say it is that he seems to put all those things in front of us time. There have been times when we get along great, then the porn doesnt really bother me, in fact we have watched together and I like that. When we arent getting along, I think the porn is an easy thing to blame things on. While may also be my fault for not being kind, which in turn makes him turn away. But, it does mske me insecure during sex, and when he has trouble responding to me I cant help but think he could get harder to porn. For instance, he def. Gets morning wood, and when we have sex in the am he finishes no problem. However, at night sometimes he has trouble staying hard as long as I ned to get off. He always makes me come, however sometimes by that time he has kinda, lost it.

[Deleted]

The smoking and the drinking and lying are reasons to rethink this relationship. What you described about your sex life is probably a symptom of the larger relationship problems. You resent him and I'm sure he knows it. It's hard to have a serious commitment or fake attraction when you're both expecting rejection.

It doesn't sound like the two of you are at the same point in your lives and you're desperately grasping at something to blame it on other than basic incompatability.

[wrathofkuus]

It sounds like you grew up and he didn't. He may be a nice enough guy, and was great to date at 20, but if at 25 you're still dating him at 20, then that's no good.

I don't think you have to "get over" anything you don't like and don't want. So what if a guy who is actually what you want is hard to find? Does that mean you should settle for something less? Maybe guys overall kind of suck because they can, because they don't have to be anything all that great in order to get women, because women will settle for them as-is and just swallow the seething resentment. I wonder what would happen if women stopped settling for what they could get, and held out completely for what they actually wanted.

[wrathofkuus]

Oh holy crap! I didn't realize this was fit654. This guy has been a bum who has made you feel like crap for YEARS. You're going to feel so, so good when you're finally rid of him.