Confessions.

[discogranny]

Probably flameful. I have a lot of guilt about the amount of money we have spent on fertility testing and treatment in the last year. I do payroll for my company and as I was entering raises into the system I realized it was more than twice the yearly earnings of some of our employees. A part of me feels like it is so selfish to spend so much on something that is considered by most to be both optional and a luxury (though we all know it's not.)

We are so very lucky to even be able to have this attitude but I really feel like we have just moved into the mode of throwing money at the problem until it goes away. I always told myself I didn't want to be one of those people who were $50k+ into fertility treatments and that we would stop way before that...but it seems feasible that before we are "done" having children we will be.

Anyway, it felt good just to admit that somewhere. Any confessions? Serious or silly?

[linz]

I have a friend who is starting to try and I'm secretly hoping I get pg first. I'm ok if we are pg at the same time, but she has no idea what I'm going through. Just knows we started to try, then took a break and will be trying again this summer. I've tried to tell her it doesn't happen on the first month for everyone (she thinks it'll happen right away) but I said it CAN. I'm not trying to sound like a downer but I just wish people were more aware of IF. I'm fortunate that most of my friends are.

[changedname]

I find babies aged 1 month until they can talk and do stuff really boring. I'm sure I will think my own child is the next coming of Christ but seriously, yesterday I saw 2 friends with babies around 6 months and it was so boring. I don't know what questions to ask " do they talk yet?" I have no idea of what they are supposed to be doing when etc. They are over the newborn cute stage and just kind of sit there.

[changedname]

discogranny - The only flameful I see in your confession is the fact that you think it is flameful. Nothing wrong with spending your money on something you want be it a new car, vacation or baby!

I know what you mean about throwing money at the problem until it goes away.

[G22]

I was in the mood to pick an argument last night. Usually H can tell and just ignores it when I do. But somehow it got to the point where I got offended and stormed off and I fell asleep in the guest bedroom. Usually we make up before go to bed, and this may be the first time we didn't. I feel hurt he didn't come get me to come back to bed, but I also feel like a jerk because I picked the fight at midnight and he had to be up for work at 6am.

[melindafelinda]

Disco, I don't think that's flameful. But I think it's great that you recognize that you are fortunate to be able to do that. Everyone does what they can to fulfill their own lives.

[genet313]

No flames, disco.  You're fortunate, you don't have to apologize for that.    If you feel like it, try to use some of your fortune for good - donate to charity, volunteer, etc.

My confession is that I burst down in total tears last night as I saw 2 more pregnancy announcements on Facebook.  It's officially the age, I guess.  Almost every married friend I have is either pregnant or has a baby.  I'm the odd man out now.   I tried to cancel my account all together, but couldn't figure it out.  So tonight DH is going to log on and change my password so I can't access it.  

It's a trigger for me, it's a negative trigger for me, and I can't handle it.  That's lame, but it's the only way for me.

[G22]

genet313, Facebook is the worst reminder of "hey guess what I'm pregnant and your not" for me. It sucks.

I have another confession. I'm full of them today apparently.

I finally gave in and opened up about our infertility struggle on my blog. I was tired of the "when are you...." questions so I just posted it. So far, the support has been overwhelming. I don't regret it. My mom called and we talked for awhile yesterday. It was nice to be done hiding things. I feel slightly liberated. lol

[genet313]

May 1, 2013 14:56:29 GMT -5 G22 said:

genet313, Facebook is the worst reminder of "hey guess what I'm pregnant and your not" for me. It sucks.

I have another confession. I'm full of them today apparently.

I finally gave in and opened up about our infertility struggle on my blog. I was tired of the "when are you...." questions so I just posted it. So far, the support has been overwhelming. I don't regret it. My mom called and we talked for awhile yesterday. It was nice to be done hiding things. I feel slightly liberated. lol

I know gumby, it's the worst.

I can't imagine being in the closet this entire time.  All our close family knows about it, had to share after the miscarriage and surgery, even some friends.  Sometimes I just need to let it out.  I won't tell many others for a while, though.

[genet313]

May 1, 2013 14:56:29 GMT -5 G22 said:

genet313, Facebook is the worst reminder of "hey guess what I'm pregnant and your not" for me. It sucks.

I have another confession. I'm full of them today apparently.

I finally gave in and opened up about our infertility struggle on my blog. I was tired of the "when are you...." questions so I just posted it. So far, the support has been overwhelming. I don't regret it. My mom called and we talked for awhile yesterday. It was nice to be done hiding things. I feel slightly liberated. lol

I know gumby, it's the worst.

I can't imagine being in the closet this entire time.  All our close family knows about it, had to share after the miscarriage and surgery, even some friends.  Sometimes I just need to let it out.  I won't tell many others for a while, though.  I'm glad you were able to share.

[ilovecandy]

My confession. I feel bad for my friends in some ways. Because they just don't get it. None of them have dealt with infertility.

We have been spending money like crazy and we are going out to dinner tonight. I don't feel bad about it because H is leaving relatively soonish so i feel like we need to go out and enjoy ourselves before he leaves again. Also we hardly ever go out to eat to save money.

[awkwardpenguin]

My friend is being a freak about getting pregnant and it has me pretty riled up. She's had irregular cycles in the past so she wants to "just start trying" because she's worried it's going to take a long time, even though if she got pregnant now it would be terrible timing (like lose her job because she won't be FMLA eligible in nine months and only have 6 sick days accrued bad timing). Finally I had to say "listen, either you're going to get pregnant easily in the first 3-4 cycles, or you're going to have an actual fertility problem and need treatment." It's not like just trying for a long time is going to work if she's annovulatory, and it's stupid to start trying before you're ready to have an actual baby in your actual uterus.

[KaraOrNot]

I am watching the Real World.

changedname post made me think about this. I know nothing about kids. Like, nothing. I have only held one baby in my life. I will have to take a crash course if I ever do get knocked up!

[KaraOrNot]

This is more of a random, but I really love this board, so every time I see someone mention IF/TTTC, I tell them to post over here. I am like a recruiter!

[BNL2]

May 1, 2013 12:01:02 GMT -5 changedname said:

I find babies aged 1 month until they can talk and do stuff really boring. I'm sure I will think my own child is the next coming of Christ but seriously, yesterday I saw 2 friends with babies around 6 months and it was so boring. I don't know what questions to ask " do they talk yet?" I have no idea of what they are supposed to be doing when etc. They are over the newborn cute stage and just kind of sit there.

I feel the same way. After I say how cute the baby is I run out of things to say.

discogranny, I don't think that's flameful at all. I think everyone has the right to spend their money however they want. There's no reason to feel guilty.

[discogranny]

Thanks ladies. If it's not one thing making me feel bad about IF, it's another.

I am with you guys on being awkward about babies. I have spent so much energy and time on the getting pregnant part that I know next to nothing about actual babies or caring for them. Hopefully that just kicks in naturally?!?

[KaraOrNot]

May 1, 2013 19:26:55 GMT -5 @mavjen said:

My confession is that I think I may have lost my college BFF recently over talking about our fertility struggles. She kept pushing me on talking about it and I really didn't want to with her. I kinda lost my shit on her saying she doesn't know what it's like and to drop it. She then says she knows exactly what it's like. Because her sister went through it. Wut?  I had to laugh and then said I gotta go, I have another call. omg

[HoneySpider]

I guess this is a confession because I'm being super judgy

Friend of ours called last night and she's pregnant. She isn't married, and has only been with her bf for about 7-8 months. We're not a huge fan of him. Not only is she pregnant, but she went and married him so she could get on his insurance because she's leaving her job and following him to a new town for his. She's basically throwing away her career and school (currently getting her master's) to be married to this guy and have his baby. WTF dude.

And, as soon as I saw the phone ring I called the pregnancy thing even though I had no reason to think she would be pregnant. I think it's just that everyone is pregnant lately.

[lola]

I have two that are flameful!

1. There's a poster on another board who admittedly has had a rough go of it for a while, but I swear every fucking thing she posts is a "my life is so awful, awful, awful" type deal that I can't even go in any more.

2. On a different board, there was a poster who posted something yesterday about being nervous for her anatomy scan today bc she REALLY cared if it was a boy or a girl. I get wanting it to be one or the other, but I don't understand the "I'll cry if it's not, THEN I'll get excited." I am also pretty shocked that nobody said anything about it. Just a round of "Good luck!" :-#

[G22]

May 1, 2013 18:28:17 GMT -5 @starflower22 said:

Sometimes I really 100% feel like its never going to happen.

I catch myself thimking this occasionally. No negative thoughts like this though!

Also I accidently "liked" your post while trying to quote it. Sorry! Stupid tablet!

[changedname]

May 2, 2013 11:29:22 GMT -5 G22 said:

May 1, 2013 18:28:17 GMT -5 @starflower22 said:

Sometimes I really 100% feel like its never going to happen.

I catch myself thimking this occasionally. No negative thoughts like this though!

Also I accidently "liked" your post while trying to quote it. Sorry! Stupid tablet!

   I find I am super optimistic for everyone else, like I just know you guys are all going to get pg but I am so pessimistic for me. When I first started ttc I had two ttc buddies over on TB. One got pg within 1 month, the other after 3 months. I just always feel like I am the last man standing when it comes to ttc, kwim?

Sometimes I am so confident it will happen then other times I can't imagine ever doing a hpt and seeing two lines - it would be like seeing a pig fly to me.

[discogranny]

May 2, 2013 11:40:49 GMT -5 changedname said:

May 2, 2013 11:29:22 GMT -5 G22 said:

I catch myself thimking this occasionally. No negative thoughts like this though!

Also I accidently "liked" your post while trying to quote it. Sorry! Stupid tablet!

   I find I am super optimistic for everyone else, like I just know you guys are all going to get pg but I am so pessimistic for me. When I first started ttc I had two ttc buddies over on TB. One got pg within 1 month, the other after 3 months. I just always feel like I am the last man standing when it comes to ttc, kwim?

Sometimes I am so confident it will happen then other times I can't imagine ever doing a hpt and seeing two lines - it would be like seeing a pig fly to me.

I absolutely bawled last night while watching the Little Couple because of this. They were making a decision about continuing on with surrogates/carriers and she said that her heart wanted to go on but she thinks her body is just done. The pain in her face when she said it killed me. She was afraid to tell her husband that because she knew it was the end of that journey. She then talked about having to mourn the loss of a biological child and I lost it. I am often fearful that nine weeks of a fretful pregnancy is the closest we will ever come to actually having a biological child.

Also - I feel you on the TTC buddies icedgems. One of the reasons I had to leave GP is because every single one of my "buddies" is parenting now, even the buddies I got when I moved into TTTC-land. They still try to keep in touch via FB messages but it's just too hard when the main thing you had in common was trying to conceive or IF and they are past that.

[lola]

My mom sent me a card this week about how "When you run out of hope, don't worry because I have enough for both of us!" and I honestly looked at it, laughed, and threw it away. Her intentions were really good, but no. Just no.

Also, I have no hope or optimism any more, I don't think. I am slowly coming around to, "If it happens, that's great, but I don't think it will." Defense mechanism? FO SHO! lol.



ETA : Oh. Also, I keep thinking about not even posting here anymore because I don't really even consider myself "TTTC" right now. I'm barely "trying". I mean, I'm having sex, but I'm not timing, temping, doing any treatments, etc. And I don't know when I'll start any of that up again - or if I will. I stick around because I like you all, but I've stayed out of the real "TTC" type posts like Weekly Updates, etc.

[G22]

Hugs lola. I would sad if you left us. I like your spunk.

I also think your spot on with the defense mechanism thing. Its much easier to have hope and think it will happen for someone else, than for yourself. Its kind of a protecting my sanity type thing. If I keep my "hope" to a certain level, then I won't be absolutely crushed of it doesn't ever happen.

[changedname]

stay lola. I have literally been on hold since December with basically no chance of ttc. Please stay and hang out with us! I can always count on you for an outrageous confession about another board. : )))))

[discogranny]

May 2, 2013 12:18:01 GMT -5 lola said:

ETA : Oh. Also, I keep thinking about not even posting here anymore because I don't really even consider myself "TTTC" right now. I'm barely "trying". I mean, I'm having sex, but I'm not timing, temping, doing any treatments, etc. And I don't know when I'll start any of that up again - or if I will. I stick around because I like you all, but I've stayed out of the real "TTC" type posts like Weekly Updates, etc.

Don't stop posting here.

Not only am I barely trying, we are actually probably going to start avoiding for the next few cycles because as much as I would welcome a natural pregnancy, I'd like to not have my wine vacation turn lame because of it. I torn on the TTA though...is it worth having to not have sex if we feel like it on the 0.0000001% chance that cycle 30 or whatever will be the one?

[HoneySpider]

Nooo lola you need to stay!

I haven't been TTC for a while but I'm here. I like the company.

[Deleted]

May 2, 2013 12:18:01 GMT -5 lola said:

]


ETA : Oh. Also, I keep thinking about not even posting here anymore because I don't really even consider myself "TTTC" right now. I'm barely "trying". I mean, I'm having sex, but I'm not timing, temping, doing any treatments, etc. And I don't know when I'll start any of that up again - or if I will. I stick around because I like you all, but I've stayed out of the real "TTC" type posts like Weekly Updates, etc.

Utilizing this logic, I shouldn't be here either, I'll never be pg, at least not by MH. After really considering it, I'm not comfortable with our donor options, and we are just starting to explore adoption. This is my long wonder way of saying stay!

[KaraOrNot]

lola - Stay!

[womet]

lola, I think you should stay too. I'm not around much, but I need to be better about posting here. We're in a holding pattern right now. With my PCOS and H's low sperm count (50 last time, not 50 mil, just 50), we're saving for IVF. It's the only way I'll be a mom. {H has a daughter from a previous marriage, so he's already a dad.} H has a new FT job and a PT job that will allow us to pay off debt and pay for IVF.