Confessions.

[lola]

Ahh! Sorry I posted then went away!

I'm not leaving, but I swear I didn't post so you'd all ask me to say! I just sometimes feel like when I'm reading through things here it's really easy to fall back into the "Why me/Poor me" feelings I was having a few months ago. Does that make sense?

BUT. Yes, I'll stick around so I know how everybody is doing!!

[discogranny]

That makes sense Lola, I think we tend to post things here that we wouldn't elsewhere because it would weird people out or they wouldn't get it. By nature of the reason we are all here those things also tend to be a bummer and reading/replying can really drag you down, even though you want to be supportive of those who are having a rough time.

[lola]

May 2, 2013 15:03:52 GMT -5 discogranny said:

That makes sense Lola, I think we tend to post things here that we wouldn't elsewhere because it would weird people out or they wouldn't get it. By nature of the reason we are all here those things also tend to be a bummer and reading/replying can really drag you down, even though you want to be supportive of those who are having a rough time.

Yes. YES. This is exactly what I was trying to say.

[kershnic]

May 2, 2013 12:12:58 GMT -5 discogranny said:

I absolutely bawled last night while watching the Little Couple because of this. They were making a decision about continuing on with surrogates/carriers and she said that her heart wanted to go on but she thinks her body is just done. The pain in her face when she said it killed me. She was afraid to tell her husband that because she knew it was the end of that journey. She then talked about having to mourn the loss of a biological child and I lost it. I am often fearful that nine weeks of a fretful pregnancy is the closest we will ever come to actually having a biological child.

I actually just started crying reading this paragraph.  I want to be a mom so badly, but I also really really really want to be pregnant and have a biological child.  Before IVF #1 I thought that all the shit we went through before plus one shot at IVF was my limit.  We're a same-sex couple and if my wife gives birth to our baby it will still be my baby.  But I want this so badly that we're going forward with IVF #2, but I know that financially this needs to be my last chance (we are grateful for some insurance coverage, but #2 will put us well over my lifetime max).  Thinking about the fact that this is the end puts me in tears every single time I let it come into my mind.  I almost want to keep putting off IVF #2 because then I put off the possibility of facing the end.  

[changedname]

May 3, 2013 13:22:09 GMT -5 kershnic said:

May 2, 2013 12:12:58 GMT -5 discogranny said:

I absolutely bawled last night while watching the Little Couple because of this. They were making a decision about continuing on with surrogates/carriers and she said that her heart wanted to go on but she thinks her body is just done. The pain in her face when she said it killed me. She was afraid to tell her husband that because she knew it was the end of that journey. She then talked about having to mourn the loss of a biological child and I lost it. I am often fearful that nine weeks of a fretful pregnancy is the closest we will ever come to actually having a biological child.

I actually just started crying reading this paragraph.  I want to be a mom so badly, but I also really really really want to be pregnant and have a biological child.  Before IVF #1 I thought that all the shit we went through before plus one shot at IVF was my limit.  We're a same-sex couple and if my wife gives birth to our baby it will still be my baby.  But I want this so badly that we're going forward with IVF #2, but I know that financially this needs to be my last chance (we are grateful for some insurance coverage, but #2 will put us well over my lifetime max).  Thinking about the fact that this is the end puts me in tears every single time I let it come into my mind.  I almost want to keep putting off IVF #2 because then I put off the possibility of facing the end.  

Hugs you guys. When we came clean to FIL about our IF a few weeks ago, he was saying "well if you adopt, we will all still love the baby etc". I know he was being nice but I had a meltdown and was like "No, I want to experience pregnancy, I want to buy maternity clothes, I want a baby shower with everyone oohing and aahing over my belly". I don't think men can really understand that.

I am more ok with donor eggs and the child not being my biological child than not being pg at all and I never thought that would be the case.

[G22]

kershnic, I think iced said it best. Part of wanting a child includes getting to experience pregnancy, the good bad and ugly parts of it. To not be able to experience that, you feel like mourning the loss of something. Many ((hugs)) coming your way!

[kershnic]

May 3, 2013 13:56:08 GMT -5 changedname said:

May 3, 2013 13:22:09 GMT -5 kershnic said:

I actually just started crying reading this paragraph.  I want to be a mom so badly, but I also really really really want to be pregnant and have a biological child.  Before IVF #1 I thought that all the shit we went through before plus one shot at IVF was my limit.  We're a same-sex couple and if my wife gives birth to our baby it will still be my baby.  But I want this so badly that we're going forward with IVF #2, but I know that financially this needs to be my last chance (we are grateful for some insurance coverage, but #2 will put us well over my lifetime max).  Thinking about the fact that this is the end puts me in tears every single time I let it come into my mind.  I almost want to keep putting off IVF #2 because then I put off the possibility of facing the end.  

Hugs you guys. When we came clean to FIL about our IF a few weeks ago, he was saying "well if you adopt, we will all still love the baby etc". I know he was being nice but I had a meltdown and was like "No, I want to experience pregnancy, I want to buy maternity clothes, I want a baby shower with everyone oohing and aahing over my belly". I don't think men can really understand that.

I am more ok with donor eggs and the child not being my biological child than not being pg at all and I never thought that would be the case.

I sucks to even have to pick apart which part is the most important to you.  Hugs to you too.

[G22]

A FB friend put self maternity pictures up on her page. They just look awkward. The poses, the angles, its all awkward. I feel bad for thinking that and simontaneously made a mental note that if I ever get the chance to do them, to not show them if they look bad.