my life is an emotional downward spiral.

[saraandmichael]

i was with my boys at my mom's house last night and i was looking through some old pictures that she has thrown in a box waiting for a proper place to put them. it was fun to look at them and see myself growing up, most particularly the point where noah and i were the same age.

and in the middle of all of this looking there was a lone picture of my old bedroom at my dad's house from when i was in the fifth grade. and when i saw it i smiled and was like "awww, this is my old room" and then instantly went into this shock and panic mindset where i couldn't stop staring at the photo (sidenote: i often times just start staring at something and sort of zone out the rest of the world...not sure why, i just always have).

while i am in the middle of all of this staring and emoting and just generally feeling frozen in fear, noah is asking to see the picture. and i didn't want him to see it. i have no idea why, i just didn't. but i wasn't really articulate and told him no. and as any typical teen would do he got huffy and started the "come on, mom!" so i handed it over to him so i didn't cause a crazy scene in front of his girlfriend what was also with us.

my eyes were welding with tears and i kindly asked for it back. he understood why and gave it to me and then got himself and his girlfriend up to leave so i didn't cry in front of them. and i did cry for a couple of minutes, trying not to let it get into this big bawling episode where i couldn't collect myself.

i laid the picture face down on the floor and asked noah to put it in my purse for me when he came back into the room a little later. and i can't quite muster the strength to look at it yet, but its kind of killing me knowing that its there. just sitting and waiting for me to confront.

this is the fucking suck, you guys.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry sara...pictures are big emotional triggers for me as well. sending you big big hugs xoxo

[tdk2]

Uggggggh. I"m so sorry.

I don't really know, but perhaps this flood of intense emotion is a good thing? Like the therapy kicking in? I could just be talking out my ass, I don't really know. I'd love to give you a hug and have a bunch of drinks with you. Hug can wait til after we have a bunch of drinks if you're not so much of a hugger.

I haven't responded much to your bigger posts b/c I'm usually on my phone and want to articulate better than what I do on phone.

I'm glad you and your dad were both going in. I don't know how it's progressed, but damn, I wish I could go back in time and castrate someone before that happened. Asshole.

[underwaterrhymes]

Big hugs, sara. If you ever need an ear, let me know.

[Deleted]

((Hugs))

[bab]

((((((sara))))))))

:*(

[karmasabiotch]

I'm so sorry. I know it seems awful but that fact that you are letting yourself feel grief is huge. Many hugs to you...

[snickers]

I'm sorry.

[lime]

I'm so sorry Sara. Big hugs.

[saraandmichael]

May 4, 2013 16:05:58 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

((hugs)) how's counseling going?

well? i guess?

i feel like its a difficult question to answer. i have been seeing her every week since i started and i am making some progress for sure, but it is definitely a two steps forward, three steps back kind of thing for me still. there are so many facets of the situation that are all so intertwined and it feels like when i move forward with one part of it, i feel rage and sadness over another part.

its kind of like a big huge knot. you start untying it with the end thats most obvious, but then you get stuck somewhere because its knot over knot over knot and you're unsure of how to start undoing the big one without having to mess with the little ones, but you don't know which little one is the one that will work out to be untied first in order to get the other ones so that you can get to the big part so that you can then get back to untying the entire knot bundle that you started to mess with in the first place.

[hopecounts]

May 4, 2013 16:01:41 GMT -5 saraandmichael said:

and in the middle of all of this looking there was a lone picture of my old bedroom at my dad's house from when i was in the fifth grade. and when i saw it i smiled and was like "awww, this is my old room" and then instantly went into this shock and panic mindset where i couldn't stop staring at the photo (sidenote: i often times just start staring at something and sort of zone out the rest of the world...not sure why, i just 

i laid the picture face down on the floor and asked noah to put it in my purse for me when he came back into the room a little later. and i can't quite muster the strength to look at it yet, but its kind of killing me knowing that its there. just sitting and waiting for me to confront.

this is the fucking suck, you guys.

Is it always in a panicky/anxious way?
and has it always been or since the event?
because honestly that sounds like a PTSD episode which wouldn't be unusual or odd. 
Definitely being it up with your therapist and see what they think.

[saraandmichael]

May 4, 2013 16:49:47 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

May 4, 2013 16:01:41 GMT -5 saraandmichael said:

and in the middle of all of this looking there was a lone picture of my old bedroom at my dad's house from when i was in the fifth grade. and when i saw it i smiled and was like "awww, this is my old room" and then instantly went into this shock and panic mindset where i couldn't stop staring at the photo (sidenote: i often times just start staring at something and sort of zone out the rest of the world...not sure why, i just 

i laid the picture face down on the floor and asked noah to put it in my purse for me when he came back into the room a little later. and i can't quite muster the strength to look at it yet, but its kind of killing me knowing that its there. just sitting and waiting for me to confront.

this is the fucking suck, you guys.

Is it always in a panicky/anxious way?
and has it always been or since the event?
because honestly that sounds like a PTSD episode which wouldn't be unusual or odd. 
Definitely being it up with your therapist and see what they think.

with all of these new memories, yes. shock and panic is pretty much it.

i don't think it has always been, as i have had several reminders of him/the event in the past and they don't always elicit the same response. however, its not unusual.

my therapist has used ptsd as a descriptor for my reactions/way that i deal with things, so she is for sure aware of it. i'm not sure what much is to be done about it other than to just keep one foot in front of the other and work at keeping myself intact while i walk through the third circle of hell.

[alzi]

i'm sorry:(

i'm around if you want to talk - or not talk. i can also provide baby snuggles if you would like.

[Deleted]

Photographs are incredibly powerful even when seemingly innocuous.

There is no shame in crying.

[papie]

I am proud of you Sara. I think this is huge that you are going through with this even though it hurts. I think you will feel so much better at the end.
(((hugs)))

[speckledfrog]

((sara))

[polka]

I'm sorry (((hugs)))

[anlo]

(((hugs)))

I like mofongo's suggestion to take it with you to your next therapy session. I hope together the two of you can come up with something cathartic to do with it that will help.

[Deleted]

Oh Sara. Im so sorry

[Marle]

Oh Sara! I think that all this is positive even if very uncomfortable. You are confronting feelings you have not fully confronted before. Let yourself feel all these things so that you can get past them eventually.

Hugs!

[angelaa73]

This is it. You are healing. Keep going Sara!

I am 100000% behind you visiting this over and over in a more powerful frame of mind until there is nothing but power on your end and a peaceful calm tinged with sadness for the little girl within you.

sent from my posse's on broadway

[pantsparty]

Hugs, sara. Have you put any more thought into EMDR?

[saraandmichael]

May 4, 2013 22:01:21 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Hugs, sara. Have you put any more thought into EMDR?

i spoke about it with my therapist. and she said she isnt trained to do it, but she would support my seeing someone in conjunction if i felt that i would benefit from it. however, she did express that she is concerned that if it did work the way its intended to that it would be very much for me to deal with. and that since i am having memories come on my own still that i might want to try and stick with letting them come out on their own for a bit and then readdress it later.

[pantsparty]

That might be a good idea. I'm really sorry. I can't imagine how hard this is. The fact that you continue to go to therapy shows your strength and tenacity. (((sara)))

[thebamker]

I'm sorry Sara

[wrathofkuus]

I didn't know your older son knew about this. That's pretty unusual, isn't it? How strong you are in so many ways, not just for not being secretive about what happened to you, but for letting your teenage son see you as a person with experiences and struggles that have nothing to do with being Mom the authority figure. That is, IMO, excellent parenting.

Anyway, everyone else is right - this is just you processing things. It might feel worse initially than repressing, but there is an end to the worst stuff.

[saraandmichael]

May 5, 2013 16:57:33 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I didn't know your older son knew about this. That's pretty unusual, isn't it? How strong you are in so many ways, not just for not being secretive about what happened to you, but for letting your teenage son see you as a person with experiences and struggles that have nothing to do with being Mom the authority figure. That is, IMO, excellent parenting.

Anyway, everyone else is right - this is just you processing things. It might feel worse initially than repressing, but there is an end to the worst stuff.

thank you. those are really kind words and make me feel respected in a decision to share that part of my life with him that i wasn't entirely sure was the right thing to do.

and i'm not sure how unusual it is. i told him about it last year. he knew i was upset about something and i figured he was old enough to understand and ask questions and process it. i think it was difficult for him to hear, but it opened up an opportunity for him to ask questions and to later confide in me and ask for advice when he had a friend tell him about her own sexual abuse.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry, Sara.

And i don't think it's unusual. I've known about my mom since i was six, though part of that was to help empower me and protect myself from her abuser (never be alone with him, this is why sort of a thing). We didn't talk about it again until i was 16 but I think it's fine/normal/whatever for Noah to know. I like your explanation for it too Sara.

Hugs