Why do we always stick it out?

[ravenb1111]

Now I know every relationship isn't perfect and you shouldn't jump ship right away but why is it ,omen for the most part "stick it out" even when we know it's not right.. And I'm it talking about for other outside reasons (kids, money) but when the first little voice pops in our head. Like I had a 6 year relationship and I can tell you now by year 2 I knew it was wrong..But for whatever reason I stuck it out.. ( and as you can see that ended well lol) looking back now I want to punch myself like uh hey your stupid.. All cause when it's good doesn't erase the bad dummie..

[explorer2001]

If we figure that answer out we will change the world and be rich.

[ravenb1111]

May 12, 2012 16:24:26 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

If we figure that answer out we will change the world and be rich.

lol truth! It's like we know we can more emotionally yet we still let the emotions control us.. Dumb dumb dumb

[lookingup]

I don't really understand your use of "we" and "us" in this thread. Not all women do this. Some therapy may help you understand better why you were willing to stick around for four years after you knew the relationship wasn't right.

[Bernadine]

I wish I knew the answer to this.

[udscoobychick]

May 12, 2012 17:02:08 GMT -5 lookingup said:

I don't really understand your use of "we" and "us" in this thread. Not all women do this. Some therapy may help you understand better why you were willing to stick around for four years after you knew the relationship wasn't right.

For swears.

[llh0211]

I recently came across some old journals in packing to move out. I read several entries, and I had questioned a couple things early in our relationship, but didn't listen to my gut. So now, 7 years later so many of the issues in question back then have been a major factor in our separation.

[ravenb1111]

May 12, 2012 17:02:08 GMT -5 lookingup said:

I don't really understand your use of "we" and "us" in this thread. Not all women do this. Some therapy may help you understand better why you were willing to stick around for four years after you knew the relationship wasn't right.

Really? Therapy.. It was just a generalized question.. Clearly I know not every women does this.. Thanks for underestimating how one thinks. I know now I was young and that's what I thought, as a caring girlfriend/fi/ wife, it was what your suppose to do. It was a simple question because I know many girls who won't leave even though they know it wrong. It wasn't that serious to where I needed somebody to suggest therapy.. Thanks.. Geez

[ravenb1111]

May 12, 2012 17:43:03 GMT -5 llh0211 said:

I recently came across some old journals in packing to move out. I read several entries, and I had questioned a couple things early in our relationship, but didn't listen to my gut. So now, 7 years later so many of the issues in question back then have been a major factor in our separation.

Oh gosh I'd love to find my journals from that relationship to see how black and white things were but I just made it gray..

[lookingup]

May 12, 2012 17:46:08 GMT -5 @ravenb1111 said:

May 12, 2012 17:02:08 GMT -5 lookingup said:

I don't really understand your use of "we" and "us" in this thread. Not all women do this. Some therapy may help you understand better why you were willing to stick around for four years after you knew the relationship wasn't right.

Really? Therapy.. It was just a generalized question.. Clearly I know not every women does this.. Thanks for underestimating how one thinks. I know now I was young and that's what I thought, as a caring girlfriend/fi/ wife, it was what your suppose to do. It was a simple question because I know many girls who won't leave even though they know it wrong. It wasn't that serious to where I needed somebody to suggest therapy.. Thanks.. Geez

Honestly. Therapy isn't a bad word. Lots of us here have been to therapy. I started going to therapy to work on myself before I left H, and it actually helped me to leave just a few short months later. If you knew it wasn't right, why did you stay for four whole years? That's a long time. A professional may be able to help you answer your question and avoid making those same mistakes in future relationships.

[ravenb1111]

May 12, 2012 17:57:42 GMT -5 lookingup said:

May 12, 2012 17:46:08 GMT -5 @ravenb1111 said:

Really? Therapy.. It was just a generalized question.. Clearly I know not every women does this.. Thanks for underestimating how one thinks. I know now I was young and that's what I thought, as a caring girlfriend/fi/ wife, it was what your suppose to do. It was a simple question because I know many girls who won't leave even though they know it wrong. It wasn't that serious to where I needed somebody to suggest therapy.. Thanks.. Geez

Honestly. Therapy isn't a bad word. Lots of us here have been to therapy. I started going to therapy to work on myself before I left H, and it actually helped me to leave just a few short months later. If you knew it wasn't right, why did you stay for four whole years? That's a long time. A professional may be able to help you answer your question and avoid making those same mistakes in future relationships.

Who said therapy was a bad word? I surely didn't.. I think therapy can be a great tool if one needs it. I just asked. Generalized question and you just straight jumped to I think you need therapy. And I just said I stuck around cause I was young a didn't know better.

[explorer2001]

First I think therapy is great and valid. She didn't call you out specifically. There are several people here who had similar experiences. If doesn't apply maybe you aren't part of this we.

Personally, one of the reasons I stay was because I was supposed to in my mind because if I didn't I was some how cruel, unkind, deficient, because I was raised to believe everything wrong in the world was my fault and my responsibility to fix. I know that's crazy now but I didn't then. I think being able to talk about this type of thing can be very helpful for people so please allow the space for her to process it. I thought that was the point of the board.

I also think it has a lot to do with how some women are raised and in doctrinated in our culture. Generalizations follow: women are supposed to be nuturing, giving, kind, nice... Women who are assertive, aggressive, state their needs, and stand up for themselves are call Bitches, unfeminine, etc.

I'm not saying I agree with this, or that it applies to everyone, but it have seen it extensively especially in certain subcultures and my family.

[ravenb1111]

May 12, 2012 18:42:46 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

First I think therapy is great and valid. She didn't call you out specifically. There are several people here who had similar experiences. If doesn't apply maybe you aren't part of this we.
.

But she did. She said it may help me but thats not the point.. That's the bad part about the Internet.. You can't read somebody's tones.. I was asking in general why we think women do this.. That's all.. And I clearly agree.. A good wife/fi/girlfriend does "this" or " that" and if you do something different your looked at completely opposite.

[explorer2001]

May 12, 2012 18:48:22 GMT -5 @ravenb1111 said:

May 12, 2012 18:42:46 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

First I think therapy is great and valid. She didn't call you out specifically. There are several people here who had similar experiences. If doesn't apply maybe you aren't part of this we.
.

But she did. She said it may help me but thats not the point.. That's the bad part about the Internet.. You can't read somebody's tones.. I was asking in general why we think women do this.. That's all.. And I clearly agree.. A good wife/fi/girlfriend does "this" or " that" and if you do something different your looked at completely opposite.

Wrong internet you. I was talking to her trying to ferns the idea that just because she didn't fit in the we, that using we was valid because several of us have been there and mentioned similar issues before. Do I make sense now?

[lookingup]

May 12, 2012 18:48:22 GMT -5 @ravenb1111 said:

May 12, 2012 18:42:46 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

First I think therapy is great and valid. She didn't call you out specifically. There are several people here who had similar experiences. If doesn't apply maybe you aren't part of this we.
.

But she did. She said it may help me but thats not the point.. That's the bad part about the Internet.. You can't read somebody's tones.. I was asking in general why we think women do this.. That's all.. And I clearly agree.. A good wife/fi/girlfriend does "this" or " that" and if you do something different your looked at completely opposite.

Generalizations, even in the form of your "simple question," can often be offensive. When you come in here and ask a question like, "What is wrong with us?" instead of "What is wrong with me?" it can be offensive. A sweeping generalization about women, such as the one you made, discredits many of us who took the steps and found the courage to leave when we knew things weren't working for us. It was hard. And it hurt like hell. But I chose not to stay for fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, or fear of hurting a person that I loved. I did what was best for me, and I knew the whole time that it was the right decision. I don't regret it for a second, either.

Therapy helped me sort out my feelings and figure out what it was I needed to do. There is no reason to be ashamed or afraid of doing something like seeking therapy or leaving a relationship for your own health, happiness, or well-being, and it's really unfortunate if you feel otherwise.

I don't believe that the description of a "good wife" includes acting as a doormat or an emotional (or physical) punching bag for your husband, especially when you know that it's not right. If you were willing to stay through something like that for so long, it would be hard to believe you left the relationship completely emotionally healthy and unscathed. Some introspection, perhaps with the help of a professional, may do you a world of good.

[ravenb1111]

May 12, 2012 23:27:32 GMT -5 lookingup said:

May 12, 2012 18:48:22 GMT -5 @ravenb1111 said:

But she did. She said it may help me but thats not the point.. That's the bad part about the Internet.. You can't read somebody's tones.. I was asking in general why we think women do this.. That's all.. And I clearly agree.. A good wife/fi/girlfriend does "this" or " that" and if you do something different your looked at completely opposite.

Generalizations, even in the form of your "simple question," can often be offensive. When you come in here and ask a question like, "What is wrong with us?" instead of "What is wrong with me?" it can be offensive. A sweeping generalization about women, such as the one you made, discredits many of us who took the steps and found the courage to leave when we knew things weren't working for us. It was hard. And it hurt like hell. But I chose not to stay for fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, or fear of hurting a person that I loved. I did what was best for me, and I knew the whole time that it was the right decision. I don't regret it for a second, either.

Therapy helped me sort out my feelings and figure out what it was I needed to do. There is no reason to be ashamed or afraid of doing something like seeking therapy or leaving a relationship for your own health, happiness, or well-being, and it's really unfortunate if you feel otherwise.

I don't believe that the description of a "good wife" includes acting as a doormat or an emotional (or physical) punching bag for your husband, especially when you know that it's not right. If you were willing to stay through something like that for so long, it would be hard to believe you left the relationship completely emotionally healthy and unscathed. Some introspection, perhaps with the help of a professional, may do you a world of good.

Oh gosh.. I don't believe in a " good wife".. We were talking about sterotype of what a "good wife" can been seen as, that's why it was in quotations because it's so rediculous to stereotype. I think is great for anybody who can leave and find courage to leave my time in a relationship that they feel is not right. My question wasn't to be offensive.. I was just asking why? Seeing if other people thought like me to.. Because that's what they thought they were "suppose" to do.. So please stop turning this into something more then it's it.. If you didn't stick anything out why bother answering.. I was just trying to get insight into other women on this board and if they were thinking like me as well as to why they stayed.and it seems more women tend to stick things out then men (let me clear that statement up now too, men stick around in situations too, it's not just women) I don't want to get into more trouble for saying something that clearly can't apply to everybody. But now I know to not ask anymore.. Thanks

[OMGsensitivemuch]

Really, the word "us" is offensive now?

I took it to be a general question, geez people stop taking yourself so seriously and grow up. Not everything needs to become a huge deal. It was a word choice not an attack.

[Deleted]

I think it's pretty clear that when the OP says "us" it doesn't mean every single person on the SO board but women who know the relationship is bad and yet stay. If this situation doesn't apply to you, then you're not part of this "us".

[explorer2001]

May 13, 2012 19:40:34 GMT -5 @landobiscuit said:

I think it's pretty clear that when the OP says "us" it doesn't mean every single person on the SO board but women who know the relationship is bad and yet stay. If this situation doesn't apply to you, then you're not part of this "us".

well that's a much more concise and clear version of what I tired to say.

[wrathofkuus]

I think women are, overall, socialized to define themselves by their relationships, and are even more so socialized to see themselves as a commodity that others have the right to consume. It leads to thinking that you need a "good enough" reason to break up with a guy, and that you're somehow wronging a guy by refusing to grant him your time and energy and affection, as though he is entitled to those things.