It's not a good morning

[TrickyBob]

Please don't quote.

My Mom and I are close, we are, but she thinks we aren't. I was a teenager who was all "gosh Mom, butt out!" and "I don't want to talk about periods and stuff with you" and I always stopped conversation when it got too personal. And it's hard for me to be open with her because I'm just not a touchy feely person. 

I wrote about her before, with the anti-depressant medications. Well she told me she stopped taking her cholesterol medications, in an e-mail, and that she feels more alert without them. And she said it's in God's hands, pills or no pills. Meaning, her high cholesterol and possible heart attacks/heart issues from that. 

And I really don't want judgement of my Mom right now, because I'm sobbing my heart out. 

I finally sent her an e-mail telling her that she means the world to me and that she needs to ask for some other medication or a lower dosage or something. And that I don't want to lose my Mom to something preventable, if it can be treated. Plus some other heart felt stuff. 

And I've never told her these things because I'm me but I really cannot handle the idea of someday losing my Mom. I can't. And it just massively hit this morning and the flood gates opened. 

My Mom has had medical issues all of her life due to tumors as a child and as an adult she doesn't see very well plus she only sees in 2D, so she has no depth perception. Sometimes she goes through spells of falling a lot (as in tripping over raised bumps because she cannot judge the distance) and though my Dad watches over her and helps her a lot, sometimes he's a jerk in that "I'm a man and think I'm funny even though I'm not" kind of way. He's not abusive or anything, just sometimes jerkish. 

And my older brothers live at home, plus my oldest brother's girlfriend. She has people around and every Friday she has a group of her girlfriends come over. 

But I was so scared to leave home because who is going to make sure my Mom is okay? And I feel so juvenile saying this, but that's MY Mom. I know my brother's love her, my brother's girlfriend loves her, but that's my Mom. 

And for 2 years now I've struggled with facing the idea that my parent's are going into their 60's and some day (though I hope 20/30 years from now) they won't be around. But I've been having a really really hard time this past year at imagining a life without my Mom. 

I don't depend on my Mom, we talk a few times a week through e-mail but I'm not attached to her hip and it's not a codependency thing, it's just now I'm 23 and trying to have kids and what if my Mom isn't there to help me figure all of this stuff out? Or to see my future kids grow up? 

And I know this might seem stupid to a lot of people, I know, but it just really really got me this morning. 

[Waffles]

It's absolutely not stupid.

I have a similar relationship with my mum, in that I didn't confide in her growing up and still don't really. It doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just the way I am/we are together.

I am willing to bet your email will have really touched her and it may very well make the difference with regards to her taking her medication. But if it doesn't, don't blame yourself.

I share your worries too: my mum is 75, has high blood pressure and has had a double bypass 3 years ago. She is unlikely to be around for much of my children's lives. It sometimes freaks me out and I feel guilty for not having TTC'ed earlier in life (though not enough to make me do it just yet) but I need to tell myself it's my life, she's had her choices to make and now I have mine.

I'm sorry this isn't really helpful and I don't have any advice. I just wanted to send you a hug and say I understand.

[cc]

Oh honey. I can totally relate as my mom and I are so close and I can't imagine not having her in my life. She had emergency double bypass on her heart a few years ago and it was so scary. I would be so upset if she decided to go off of the medication that keeps her healthy.

(((Hugs)))

[katietornado]

Honey this is not stupid at all. I feel this way all the time. And I don't even want kids. It's just more, "how will I find my way without my mom?" I admire both of my parents so much (and my mom is also ill) and just can't imagine my world without them.

I hope she goes back on her meds. I wonder if she really feels better or if this is a cry for help.

[Deleted]

({)TrickyBob(})

[kristie]

Listen, I could throw a lot of studies and articles at you but I know you don't want that. I worked in the CVICU for a year, and learned that most of the doctors there think the cholesterol recs are not based in science. It is a start, but don't just assume this is the worst decision she could have made. Apparently those meds do cause increased depression and a bunch of other problems too. I wouldn't take them.

www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/dr-mark-hyman/women-cholesterol-medication_b_1219496.html

[hopecounts]

((TrickyBob))
None of what you are feeling is stupid.
How is your mom's diet, I assume that with her depth perception problem exercise is a challenge?
But depending on how high her levels were a healthy diet and exercise may do some good, especially if the meds lowered her levels already.

[Deleted]

(((((TrickyBob)))))

[TrickyBob]

So, my Mom e-mailed me back.

She said some mushy things, a bit more stuff about God/Jesus, and then said that she will make an appointment with her Doctor (that she likes) in order to discuss other medications for it.

She said she wanted to see if it made her feel better without taking it because she's kind of upset with the last Dr (who wouldn't be?) and felt like all they cared about was whether or not they'd be liable if she killed herself. (That young girl nurse/dr/whatever, yah, apparently she told my Mom that they would be liable if she killed herself). OMG. So she felt like they wouldn't take her seriously about her questions about the medications and how they make her feel. I think she feels beaten down by them.

I know she will bring up the other Dr/Nurse and her experience with her when she sees her normal Doctor. Her normal Doctor (who I had as a kid and my Dad and brother's use) is Military and he doesn't mess around. He gets straight to the point and doesn't tolerate BS from the other people there. So I'm hoping he will get her on a good path medication wise.

So I guess I fee a bit better. Thanks ladies.