yesterday was really tough and emotional with my therapist.

[saraandmichael]

i can't stop thinking about it. in both good and bad ways. and i know i've been posting a bit much about it here, but the anonymity i can feel while posting (even though i know so many of you) makes it cathartic in a way that i can't experience if i'm sitting and talking to someone.

i had a two hour appointment with my dad. its tough enough to confine just myself to an hour, so i thought two would serve us best. and it did. there was a lot of emotion and good, productive discussion. however, it was hard to get through. mostly because it involved hearing my dad say a lot of things that i had been needing to hear him say for years and there was just so much crying that it left me utterly exhausted. i cried. my dad cried. the therapist even cried.

the biggest take away that keeps repeating in my head from my dad was when he said "Sara, I failed you. I failed you, and I failed you, and I failed you. And I am so sorry. You mean the world to me and are my greatest joy in life." And I know that he meant every word he said, but these were the ones that I needed to hear the most.

He explained some things to me that caused him to react the way he has about this. And while it doesn't make it right (in my mind or in his), it has allowed me to better understand where he has been coming from all of these years. And that has helped me feel extremely validated.

He told a story of something that I had no recollection of that happened when I was a little girl and he sobbed through it, apologizing for not making a different choice. And it had nothing to do with the situation at hand, but with a fault that he has never forgiven himself for in showing how much he loves me. And it was a very touching story, but I can't stop thinking about it and crying. Its one of those stories where you can not only feel the pain that you must have felt when it happened as a child, but also feel the pain as an adult that has done something so seemingly small at the time but in the grand scheme of things would have meant so much to your child. And it just reminded me that through all of the faults he has, and all of the mistakes that he has made, that he really did the best he could at the time.

We also talked about his wife and the way that she deals with this situation. And while it is difficult for me to feel empathy for her, I do understand where she is at with this. And it will for sure take more time to get through those feelings I have related to her, but I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders with having to put her feelings before mine. And I don't think I have felt that since before her son blew his brains out 15 years ago.

I still have a lot of work ahead of me related to dealing with the rape and molestation. But I feel a renewed sense of respect for my dad. And that is something I have mourned losing over these past few months. He is an amazing human being and I am so far beyond lucky to have him in my life. And feeling like I can respect him again is really reassuring to me in that I can get through this and relate to him like I have in the past. And not only that, but relate to him and know that he understands the things that he didn't do that I desperately needed him to but he thought that he was.

I have put off actually getting through all of this for so many years because it is terribly painful and confusing. But yesterday felt like such a big breakthrough for me. And I believe it was for my dad as well. And as much as I would like to think I am over all of this because I would rather not have to bear the pain that I knows lies ahead of me, I feel like I can do it.

[Deleted]

((hugs))

You're amazing.

[MWOS]

Add me to the crying list


((sara)) I don't have any good words, too many things I want to say but stumble over. So hugs.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

You can do this. You are fucking awesome, and though it kind of sounds dickish to say, I'm so proud of you. YOU GO GIRL

[dana2006]

I'm in awe of you. Thanks for the update. This is great development.

[thebamker]

I'm SO happy that you're dad is finally giving you what you need. This is amazing and I couldn't be more proud of you for taking this bull by the fucking horns!

I have a question... which you don't have to answer - obviously.

Does his wife believe her son raped you?

[dcannie]

i am so, so happy for you.

[Deleted]

This is awesome, Sara.

[Kit]

((hugs)) That's a great update. I admire your strength.

[karmasabiotch]

Hugs Sara...

It takes such a strong person to do what you're doing. I hope you never have a moment of doubt about how truly amazing you are.

[flamingeaux]

I'm happy for you Sara. I hope you and your dad can keep rebuilding.

[pantsparty]

Huge hugs, sara. I am so happy you and your dad chose to go through this together. What a wonderful update. I continue to be amazed by your strength.

[papie]

(((hugs)))

[lightbulbsun]

(((sara)))

I'm glad you feel like you've made a breakthrough. You're so amazingly strong.

[Deleted]

::huge hugs::

[JamaicanPineapple]

I haven't said much because I'm a newbie but I want to offer my support and hugs to you. It sounds like you're on the right path to rebuilding the relationship with your Dad. You are so strong and I wish you the best of luck throughout all of this.

[Deleted]

You are awesome. This seems like the best possible turn our for the scenario.

In the beginning you were so afraid and you just owned that therapy session. Good for you!!!

[eddy]

Awesome, awesome, awesome

[peachykate]

I am so, so, so happy that your dad is stepping up to the plate and showing you he is the father you need him to be. ((Hugs))

[snickers]

You are so strong.

[iamali]

(((hugs)))

Your bravery is inspiring.

[speckledfrog]

This is such a wonderful update, Sara. I am so happy that your relationship with your dad has been strengthened.

[lilafowler]

Hugs.  You're handling this so strongly.

[curtains]

(((Sara))) I am misting up a little over here - this is awesome news!!

[Deleted]

i have tears of happiness in my eyes for you. i know that you're prepared for this whole process to be a long road, but to have this sort of meeting with your dad now is just so wonderful.

[partiallysunny]

You are amazing.

[Waffles]

I'm so glad you are finding your dad again.
Hugs.

[Deleted]

You are so strong. Team Sara!

[julez]

((hugs))

I'm so glad that you are finally hearing some of the words you've needed to hear for so long.

[rex]

I am so happy for you. You are amazing and so strong.