How do you interact with your spouse?

[Deleted]

I'm interested in what language you use with each other-- what is acceptable and unacceptable to you? For instance, do you swear at each other?

My DH told me to be quiet last night, and I am really angry about it.

I know some people yell, swear, tell each other to shut up and that is just how they fight, no big deal.

So, what is normal in your relationship?

[wannabe]

on the rare occasion that we do fight, it's eerily low-volume and controlled on both sides. we've never said "shut up" other than in a playful way, and swear words may come out but mostly as adjectives and not epithets to hurl at each other.

[sake]

H isn't allowed to call me a cunt, or shush me in public, not bc he would EVER do those things, but bc those are the 2 things my ex did that I hated the most.

We are generally nice to each other. I might cuss at him, like "omg, just pick up your fucking socks already" but I don't call him a fucking ass hole... If that makes sense.

We treat each other like we are friends. If I wouldn't treat my best friend like shit, why would I do it to my husband?

I'm not saying we have never said things we regret, but "be quiet" isn't that bad in my opinion...

[pinkflats]

If we are really angry it's usually a "just stop talking for a minute" or something similar. The only time I tell him to shut up is if he won't stop talking about sex.

[game blouses]

If DH said "Be quiet" to me in a non-joking way, I'd be upset. It's not the dynamic of our marriage.

[Deleted]

English.

[karmasabiotch]

I don't want to be yelled at and swearing is off the table as well. My H yells and swears. We have issues.

[Kit]

No name calling, no swearing at each other (though we do swear, in general), and we rarely raise voices. If someone raises a voice, it's me, and I'm quick to quiet myself down. "Shut up" is said jokingly, we don't really say that to each other. We rarely, rarely fight though.

[sunshineray]

I'm not sure if I'd be mad about H telling me to "be quiet", but since I don't think he's ever said that to me before I don't really know.

We do not swear at or about each other, EVER. We both firmly agree that there is no name calling (even in jest) and it would be a serious issue if either of us ever did that. Mutual respect is one of the key foundations of our relationship.

We don't fight often, but we will beat it into the ground until we come to some sort of resolution.

ETA: We do swear like sailors otherwise. Just not at each other. I talk loudly and often, so it really is a miracle that he never tells me to be quiet.  :-#

[pantsparty]

Sometimes I tell him to be quiet. But that's because he's dancing around and singing and I'm trying to get something done and I say, "RUMPUS TIME IS OVER!"

Occasionally we have a big fight (maybe once a year or less). There is definitely some swearing then.

[mariafromnj]

We are both hot heads. We don't tell each other to F-off or anything but we have told each other to shut up and said things a little worse than that.
Thankfully we don't really fight often with each other.

When we are playing around we's say pretty much anything to each other.

We know when things are serious and when they are just for fun.

[Deleted]

May 7, 2013 12:38:00 GMT -5 sunshineray said:

I'm not sure if I'd be mad about H telling me to "be quiet", but since I don't think he's ever said that to me before I don't really know.

We do not swear at or about each other, EVER. We both firmly agree that there is no name calling (even in jest) and it would be a serious issue if either of us ever did that. Mutual respect is one of the key foundations of our relationship.

We don't fight often, but we will beat it into the ground until we come to some sort of resolution.

ETA: We do swear like sailors otherwise. Just not at each other. 

No name calling even in jest?  That's no fun.  I try out some of my best insults on my H. 

[Deleted]

We used to be very volatile. We have cussed at each other in the past. I was usually the one to jump to name calling first

We did some counseling and have "learned how to fight". We have not cussed at each other in years.

We are in a really good place now and very rarely fight. We don't really have time. Lol.

[gozf]

We do not call names. Unless we're joking. Or he's tickling me, in which case I swear at him like crazy.

When he's really upset, he does have a tendency to get loud, but he knows it really bothers me, and it hasn't happened since... September? I know to give him time to walk away and cool off; he knows that his volume and tone are important. That said, it's actually rare that we argue. If something annoys me or upsets me, I let him know what and why and I keep it pretty calm. He does the same. Neither one of us has a tendency to escalate things, so issues are resolved relatively quickly and painlessly.

I would have to know the context of the "be quiet" in order to say whether or not it would piss me off.

[rex]

I say "be quiet" or "sshhh!" when I am trying to hear something and my H decides that's a good time to tell me something. I don't think that's bad.

We do not call each other swears but I absolutely swear when talking to him occasionally. When we fight we do not yell or insult. I grew up with abusive parents. Yelling is literally traumatizing to me. I go into instant panic.

Luckily my husband is the most calm person I have ever met so I don't really worry about him.

If I wouldn't say it to my friend, I don't say it to my husband. I'm supposed to treat him better, not worse than everyone else.

[sunshineray]

May 7, 2013 12:40:24 GMT -5 05heel said:

May 7, 2013 12:38:00 GMT -5 sunshineray said:

I'm not sure if I'd be mad about H telling me to "be quiet", but since I don't think he's ever said that to me before I don't really know.

We do not swear at or about each other, EVER. We both firmly agree that there is no name calling (even in jest) and it would be a serious issue if either of us ever did that. Mutual respect is one of the key foundations of our relationship.

We don't fight often, but we will beat it into the ground until we come to some sort of resolution.

ETA: We do swear like sailors otherwise. Just not at each other. 

No name calling even in jest?  That's no fun.  I try out some of my best insults on my H. 

I suppose that makes us seem boring and uptight, which is the complete opposite of reality. I just can't think of any specific instance where either one of us called the other a name. I like my humor witty and dry, so if I've got a good jab, I'll definitely use it on H. 

[Deleted]

I think what made me mad is because it was in front of our son and it was disrespectful. He said that he said it because I was undercutting him and that wasn't my intention, but even if I was, telling me to be quiet, like I was a barking dog, really made me mad. I don't know if I should address it or just get over it. We don't normally speak to each other like that.

[fuckyourcouch]

listen, my smart ass comments are on their own level. his are almost as bad. if people listened to us objectively they would probably be concerned, but it's just how we have always been.

[wannabe]

May 7, 2013 12:40:24 GMT -5 05heel said:

No name calling even in jest?  That's no fun.  I try out some of my best insults on my H. 

i do this, too.  never in anger, but sometimes when we're just playing around i've been known to call him a butthole or an fuckface.  he always laughs.

[Deleted]

He's more vocal and irrational and I'm more calm and pragmatic when we're having an argument. I don't necessarily like it, but I've also learned that if he has his space to rant and rave for a bit, usually followed by him stomping off to have his own space for 5-10 minutes, we'll then have a calm, rational, adult conversation every time. But there is never name calling or telling each other to "shut up." And once we're done, we're done. It doesn't come up again. Period. I'm very comfortable with our arguing style now that I've learned that it will almost always follow this pattern and I just ride it through.

My X screamed and yelled about everything all the time (his whole family communicates by yelling at each other) and would follow me around the house screaming at me if I tried to walk away to prevent things from getting out of hand. He also got very personal and named called all the time and I never knew what he was arguing about because he would bring up every little disagreement we'd ever had every time we started arguing. None of that was ok at all, hence the fact that he's my X.

[Deleted]

May 7, 2013 12:40:07 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

We raise our voices VERY rarely to one another. Neither one of us wants to put up with that kind of thing. If H was to tell me to be quiet, it'd be along the lines of, "Hey, can you do me a favor and keep it down for a few minutes? I'm ______on the phone/working on this/trying to concentrate/whatever."

Exactly, I can think of maybe a handful of times one of us has yelled at the other.

We try not to swear when fighting.  We DEFINITELY don't swear AT each other and we don't name call.  But sometimes "I'm just so fucking sick of" or "It's so shitty!" comes out.

We try to be constructive in our fighting which doesn't always work, lol.  Usually what happens is we fight and then the conversation afterwards is constructive.

ETA I also feel bad when I snap, lol even when it's unnecessary for me to.  Like there was one time I was trying to get Marcus back to sleep and he was doing SOMETHING in the kitchen that kept making noise.  And I popped my head out and I was like "What the hell are you doing?! Be quiet!"  I thought maybe he would have been snippy about it after but when I went to apologize (and seriously find out wtf he was doing to make that noise) he was like "Oh yeah, I was scraping the butcher block, sorry!" and it was totally NBD.

[Deleted]

I may cuss "around" my husband - but I can count on one hand the number of times I have ever specifically called him an asshole, dick, etc. I just don't see the need to go there. Also, my parents fought/argued all the damn time and I just don't want to mirror that if I can help it.

He, OTOH, cannot say the same (sigh). He always apologizes but that gets old and I've told him, don't say I'm sorry, stop calling me X, Y, or Z. He's much better than he used to be but he needs some definite improvement.

But I think it bothers me more for him to tell me "Be quiet" or "Shut up," especially with the "I am superior to you" tone. It just sends my blood boiling and I want to keep talking and more loudly just to piss him off.

[luckyval]

When it comes to fighting or "discussing" things, we cuss but we don't call each other names.

Conversation gets *really* heated, but we don't yell too often and, under no circumstances do we drop the D word unless we're ready to pull the trigger on that

[cheeseandcrackers]

i throw things at him.. that usually gets the point across.

[Deleted]

I shouldn't admit this here, but I flip him the bird every morning. I've done this for at least the last ten years.

Sometimes I double-barrel it, sometimes it's just the classic one-finger salute. I have no idea why. It's our thing now.

[Deleted]

well, my husband almost never swears, so that's not really an issue. we try to be respectful.

our biggest interaction "problem" isn't WHAT we say, but HOW we say it. we're prone to sarcasm and irony and that can get a little biting when we're actually angry with each other. but we truly don't fight too often.

the thing my husband says that launches me from 0 to 60 faster than anything is some version of "you're impossible." like he's so stable and calm and normal and i'm just fucking batshit crazy/irrational. A) false, and B) OMG, I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR SOCKS. i'm usually "impossible" to him when i'm, uh, NOT AGREEING with him. newsflash bub: you're not always right.

gah. i'm mad at him about this now and he hasn't even said it in ages. lol.


ETA:  allow me to clarify, my HUSBAND almost never swears.  i swear like a sailor.  not necessarily AT him, but about him, and then, if he dares to bring it up, i'm like "what the fuck?  only an asshole would try to repress my goddamned right to fuck shit up with my language!"  i'm a LOT of fun to live with.

[partiallysunny]

Not well, in general. It's something we've always struggled with.

Nowadays, it's usually pretty calm, though I tend to feel like his mother or that I'm dragging information from him.

A couple times a year we get into a yelling match (usually me, I have a temper). The word "asshole" is used more than it should and "shut up" has been said a time or two.

Do we like it? No, but we are working on it. Old habits and ingrained behavior die hard.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

There have been times where I've said "Hey, you're being an asshole/dick right now so I'm gonna go to the other room and let you chill."

[litebright]

We generally only curse in vague terms like "that's a shitty situation", and almost never at each other. We've had to curtail even mild usage since having kids, and it carries over when they're not around. I don't think either of us has ever told the other to shut up. 

We tend to go the "will you let me finish" rather than "be quiet". We can get slightly heated in terms of raised voices, but there's really no shouting or actual yelling. We both hate it, and honestly I think it's one of our strengths as a couple of that we have a similar arguing styles that mesh well. 

We're both fairly logical, calm fighters; we might take some cooling off time, but we try really hard to be civil and get to the root of what we mean and a solution, rather than just taking out anger or frustration. 

[eddy]

I believe this gif sums it up pretty well for us. Not really....but it would be a lot cooler if we fought like Kevin Bacon.