Sex related issue WWYD

[aeneedsu]

I'm using an ae because I'm too embarrassed to post this under my real name.

H and I have been together 4 years and married 2.  Like many people say happens after you've been married a while, the sex has slowed down.  We still have it about once a week and it's still good but he's been having trouble finishing.  I know that happens sometimes so I didn't freak out at first but in the past 6 months I think he's only finished 4 or 5 times.  He says its not me and its not that he isn't into me but that he just tires out.  I've tried to ask him about it and ask if there's anything I can do differently and he says no and that I shouldn't worry.  I can tell he gets uncomfortable when I bring it up so I hesitate to do so again.

I'm not really sure what my question is.  Would you say something or continue to let it go?  I'm also having a hard time not taking it personally anymore. 

[luckyval]

It's likely that is really is him, not you - though it's hard not to take it personally

Has there been a change in his diet/lifestyle? Has he gained weight, been drinking more, more stress?

[hopecounts]

How old is he?
When was his last physical?
My first concern would be a health issue that he's ignoring that needs to be checked so I would approach it from that perspective and get him into the Doc and get him to have his testosterone levels checked as part of it.
It could be a small nbd thing that could be easily fixed or it could be serious and him ignoring it could be dangerous.

[SKP82]

If it's been going on for that long, I would ask him to see a doctor to rule out any medical issues that may be causing it (I have no idea what those would be).

Is he maybe masturbating earlier in the day and not able to finish because of that? Would he be embarrassed to admit to you if that were the case?

[aeneedsu]

He's gained a little weight but nothing crazy. Lifestyle hasn't changed and he's probably drinking a little less. His job can be stressful but he's seemed ok. He does have a fair amount of anxiety and I wonder if that plays into it at all.

[aeneedsu]

May 15, 2013 8:44:27 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

How old is he?
When was his last physical?
My first concern would be a health issue that he's ignoring that needs to be checked so I would approach it from that perspective and get him into the Doc and get him to have his testosterone levels checked as part of it.
It could be a small nbd thing that could be easily fixed or it could be serious and him ignoring it could be dangerous.

He's 33.  I'm not sure when his last physical was.  We're both pretty bad about going to the dr unless we're sick.  We both need physicals.

[aeneedsu]

May 15, 2013 8:44:48 GMT -5 SKP82 said:

If it's been going on for that long, I would ask him to see a doctor to rule out any medical issues that may be causing it (I have no idea what those would be).

Is he maybe masturbating earlier in the day and not able to finish because of that? Would he be embarrassed to admit to you if that were the case?

That's possible but we're pretty open about sex and masturbation.  I wouldn't think he'd be embarrassed to admit that but who knows? 

I think he can still finish on his own but I know it takes a while.  Its always taken him a while with or without me.

[Deleted]

i'll bet it's anxiety related. he probably gets all in his own head like "i need to finish why am i not finishing finishing would be good now but i'm not omg omg omg."

[adamantium]

He defiantly needs a blood test from his doctor, could be a sign of something going on health wise. Is he stressed at work? I know that can sometimes cause issues for some men. What about condoms, are you using them? That could lead to decreased sensation, so a new brand could help. Might be that after the first few times it is now mental and he is stressing out about it. Can he finish if you're doing other things (oral, hands, self)?

[aeneedsu]

May 15, 2013 8:47:15 GMT -5 squirrelymom said:

I second him getting a check up to rule out any physical causes--testosterone, thyroid, etc.

Also, I would tread kinda carefully here. The more you mention it, it could become more of a mental "thing" for him--like a performance anxiety type situation. Is he able to finish when he masturbates or if you give him oral? Sometimes if you get used to finishing in one way--it's harder to finish in another.

Exactly.  I don't want to harp on this because I don't want to make him feel worse about it.  He can finish from oral about half of the time.  Its a lot of work but I do it probably just as much for my own peace of mind as for him.  It's a relief when it happens but I get really sad when it doesn't.

[aeneedsu]

No condoms. I'm pretty sure that it's anxiety related which I why I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I agree that getting a physical is a good idea, too. I can make appointments for both of us since I need one too.

I just want him to be happy and I want to make sure sex is a fun thing and not something that increases his anxiety. Everything else in our relationship is pretty perfect.

[hopecounts]

May 15, 2013 8:54:14 GMT -5 aeneedsu said:

No condoms. I'm pretty sure that it's anxiety related which I why I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I agree that getting a physical is a good idea, too. I can make appointments for both of us since I need one too.

I just want him to be happy and I want to make sure sex is a fun thing and not something that increases his anxiety. Everything else in our relationship is pretty perfect.

Sounds like a good plan.
have y'all tried non-sex physical stuff where there's no need to finish just to enjoy each other (making out/fooling around/massages even) maybe it would take some of the mental pressure off him and help him distress about it.

[aeneedsu]

May 15, 2013 8:57:53 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

May 15, 2013 8:54:14 GMT -5 aeneedsu said:

No condoms. I'm pretty sure that it's anxiety related which I why I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I agree that getting a physical is a good idea, too. I can make appointments for both of us since I need one too.

I just want him to be happy and I want to make sure sex is a fun thing and not something that increases his anxiety. Everything else in our relationship is pretty perfect.

Sounds like a good plan.
have y'all tried non-sex physical stuff where there's no need to finish just to enjoy each other (making out/fooling around/massages even) maybe it would take some of the mental pressure off him and help him distress about it.

There's a lot of cuddling and massages but not so much making out or fooling around.  That's a good idea!  Thank you!

[Deleted]

Like PP said, I'm inclined to think its tied mainly to anxiety. I don't know if I missed anyone else asking, but is he on any medications?

Before you get worked up over it possibly being a medical issue and urging him to talk to a doctor or anything, try changing things up in regards to the sex.

If you're comfortable with it, try making it all about him one time, or surprise him when he comes home by wearing something sexy/nothing at all and just pulling him into the bedroom without a word, etc. Doing something spontaneous and out of the ordinary can jumpstart things sometimes.

If things still seem to be an issue, try bringing it up sometime when youre being affectionate but not during sex. Put it to him that you enjoy giving him pleasure and knowing he's satisfied but that you don't want him to feel anxious or pressured and that if nothing else seems to be working, perhaps he could get a physical just to rule things out.

[aeneedsu]

May 15, 2013 9:14:35 GMT -5 @fucksticklegit said:

Like PP said, I'm inclined to think its tied mainly to anxiety. I don't know if I missed anyone else asking, but is he on any medications?

Before you get worked up over it possibly being a medical issue and urging him to talk to a doctor or anything, try changing things up in regards to the sex.

If you're comfortable with it, try making it all about him one time, or surprise him when he comes home by wearing something sexy/nothing at all and just pulling him into the bedroom without a word, etc. Doing something spontaneous and out of the ordinary can jumpstart things sometimes.

If things still seem to be an issue, try bringing it up sometime when youre being affectionate but not during sex. Put it to him that you enjoy giving him pleasure and knowing he's satisfied but that you don't want him to feel anxious or pressured and that if nothing else seems to be working, perhaps he could get a physical just to rule things out.

He's not on any medication right now.  He has a prescription for xanax but he uses it very sparingly.

The dress up/be spontaneous thing is a really good idea and it sounds fun for me too.

You guys have been really reassuring and I'm so appreciative.

[Deleted]

I'm voting prostate