Help me have a baby

[Noralie]

I have never posted here, but I know some of you have kids or are pregnant now. We are starting to talk seriously about having a baby and I was wondering how you went about it. Were you inseminated in a doctor's office, at home, from random guy on the street (lol)? What did you like/dislike about the process and would you do it the same way if you had to choose again? Did the process put stress on your relationship and how do you handle that?

[ElsaVonM]

We did IUIs at an RE's office, using frozen donor sperm. He is anonymous to us but our kids will have the option of contacting him when they turn 18.

I didn't really dislike anything about the process - we considered all of the options and went with what felt best to us. We're practical people and wanted to maximize our chances, so we went the professional route rather than trying at home. We didn't do a known donor because we both preferred to avoid the legal and emotional complications.

It didn't put a strain on our relationship. Of course it is a stressful process and there are a lot of decisions to be made, but we were in a good place and were very fortunate to get pregnant on our third attempt.

[twotrue]

IUIs at an RE's office. The entire process was a great experience for me (I adore our RE's office!). The only thing I might do different is in regards to the second pregnancy. I probably wouldn't have taken clomid. We new my fertility was great and clomid wasn't really needed. Taking clomid the first time made sense because we wanted to up our odds and get things done quickly if possible. The second time though lead to twins. I can't say the relationship was strained at all but we were lucky in that 100% (minus the sperm) was covered by insurance and I got pregnant quickly. We didn't really have time to get too stressed and cranky about the process.

[Noralie]

I know I have great fertility and can get pregnant no problem as long as the timing is right. The dr office seems so clinical. I want it to be special I guess and for us both to be there. I'm pretty sure insurance will cover quite a bit. How much does sperm cost?

[bluedaisyus]

IUI at an RE's office using anonymous donor. The first time around it did not put a strain on our relationship. My wife carried and it took 6 cycles for her to get pregnant with our son. The second time around it did put a strain on our relationship and is still having in impact on things, my emotional health in particular. We spent two and a half years trying, went through 12 IUIs, a 13th cycle we had to scrap, countless tests and bloodwork and shots, and one round of IVF with nothing making it to freeze, and all we have to show for it is credit card bills and two miscarriages. It definitely took an emotional toll, and the problem is you never know if you're going to be like my wife and get pregnant relatively quickly with no complications, or if you're going to be like me and have to give up the dream.

[bluedaisyus]

Cost varies greatly depending on where you are in the country, what bank you're using, and what their per vial and shipping charges are. Many REs seem to have a preferred bank or ones they don't work with, so if you're going that route you're best contacting them and asking who they use/prefer and then looking at the bank's website. They'll have their costs posted.

[ElsaVonM]

I didn't want it to be special, I wanted it to work :-)

I was there when she got pregnant, there is no reason you can't be there for every procedure.

If you haven't, I suggest you read Stephanie Brill's book about lesbian conception. It will answer a lot of your questions.

[kershnic]

My experience so far is much like Blue's, only without the baby carried by her wife. And we're not done yet. 8 IUIs, 1 IVF, lots of testing, insanely long cycles, annovulation, etc. We've spent more than I care to total (well into 5 figures) despite my insurance being overall good (they've also paid a small fortune). It has been insanely stressful and hard on our marriage and quality of life.

[2brides]

May 17, 2013 13:25:58 GMT -5 ElsaVonM said:

I didn't want it to be special, I wanted it to work :-)

Amen. In hindsight (nearly 8y now), I can't even remember the insemination that got me pregnant (though I do know that it was the 9th IUI) - it wasn't memorable/special/romantic. But the kids that came out of them? Definitely memorable and extremely special.

[bluedaisyus]

I would also like to stress that there was absolutely NOTHING that would have indicated that I would have issues with IF, and every single test I've had came back normal. I have always had extremely regular cycles, I ovulate fine on my own and respond well to meds, I have never had a problem with my uterine lining, I have always had excellent results on my bloodwork, I have had exactly one cyst in the entire time that I spent trying to get pregnant, we used the same donor that we did for our son and always had good counts and motility. I also assumed when we started that I had great fertility and could get pregnant no problem if the timing is right. Turns out not so much.

I went to every single appointment with my wife when she carried, from the RE vists to the OB. I was the one who pushed the plunger in. I was there to see him and hear his heartbeat for the first time, I was there when we found out he was a boy, I was the first one to hold his tiny hand when he was born, and the first one to kiss his face. THAT is the stuff that is important, not whether you start it off in the doctor's office. And believe me, that is even more precious to me now knowing that we will never, ever experience those things again.

[ballandchain]

Unless you have a crystal ball, you can't know that you will get pregnant easily. There is no foolproof test for fertility. Even if you have gotten pregnant easily before, there is no guarantee that it will happen easily again.

Like Blue, all of my tests always came back great, I was healthy, in pretty good shape, under 35, I ovulated every month, etc. Before we started trying to get pregnant, my primary care physician and a midwife both told me I would probably get pregnant easily. That was two years ago. I did 4 failed IUIs with the midwife practice (no meds), and then switched to an RE. I did 4 more failed unmedicated IUIs with the RE, switched donors in the middle, tried 1 IUI with Clomid, and then moved to IVF. My IVF cycle went well and I got pregnant, but miscarried at 8w. Fortunately we had embryos left to freeze from that cycle, and we transferred one a couple of weeks ago. I am now 5w1d pregnant with that embryo, but there's no telling this pregnancy will result in a live birth.

[joymseattle]

We did IUIs at home, using frozen willing-to-be-known anonymous donor sperm.

I loved our process! We did 3 IUIs in 2009 and then took a break because it wasn't a great time (other life stress), this time we got pregnant on the first insemination. I feel very, very lucky. (For some background, I was 29, had good labs and a clear HSG, did acupuncture regularly since 2009 and increased for our ttc cycle, did Mayan Abdominal massage with a professional and daily self-care for 2-3 months before we tried, have a pretty clean, vegan diet and was in the best health and bmi of my adult life.)

It didn't put a strain on our relationship, and in many ways brought us closer. We attended an LGBTQ Fertility class which was helpful in terms of information and our discussions about various aspects.

I highly recommend the Brill book, and doing as much research and reflection as possible before you make you decisions.

[eratmama]

I will just jump in to say we are adopting from foster care. It's not for everyone, but if you are intrigued, it's worth looking into.

We were very ready-personally & as a couple- so the process brought us closer. At another point on our relationship it would have been a source of constant stress.

We have a healthy baby boy (picked up from the hospital, now 18mo) & his 5yo sister. We couldn't have created more wonderful kids ourselves.

Parts have been very stressful, but I knew we were on the right path. It cost us nothing.

[Noralie]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I know we have a lot to think about. I am not in a rush to get pregnant, but cost is a factor. We can afford to go through many cycles, but at the same time I'd rather not spend a ton of money if we don't have to.

My partner has been through the process before with her ex who ended up having all kinds of problems and even had surgery but it was not meant to be. I know that it was very hard on them and was a contributing factor (one of many) to their break up. It was very clinical when they did it and she does not want to go through that again. She is 36 and I want to carry, so that makes me the easy choice. I have also had three kids, all on the first try just by charting my cycles. I don't expect to get so lucky again, but I have no reason to expect problems.

Adoption is absolutely an option for us and one we will likely consider in the future. I would like to have one more pregnancy though, so that is the next step. We've both always wanted a big family (she is one of 10 and raised most of the little ones) and want to share the experience of pregnancy/baby with each other. We are in the process of figuring out the best way for us to go about it.

[2moms2b]

We tried at home with a known donor and wasn't successful. I no known issues at the time either (although we discovered I did have an issue afterwards). After two years we moved on to an RE's office and were a one hit wonder there. We did IUI, anonymous donor with clomid and trigger and it resulted in the boys in my signature. Our failed attempt after attempt did put a bit of strain on our relationship after a while as I was emotionally taking it very hard. We had to take a break, re-establish communication, deal with my health and then get to a stable point where we were ready to try again. Communication is the key and don't be afraid to admit feelings to each other as keeping them inside will do harm in the process.

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you. If cost is an issue then you might try more medical intervention as Elsa said (she just wanted it to work) as it increases your cost. It's a balance when it's all said and done. We didn't want to do a "cold" medical procedure hence throwing away thousands by trying at home. Now looking back at our IUI, I wish we would have gone that way immediately as it wasn't cold. M was right there with me at every appointment and at the insemination. We then spent the day together relaxing.

Good luck!