At the end of my rope, porn addiction

[patti654]

So, a bit of back story, I believe H has a porn addiction. He has lied to me about it every time I have found porn, had to get a smart phone last year, which he deletes the hx from daily and has a much lower sex drive for me than I have for him. I feel like this has driven a huge wedge between us. Add to this the fact that he smokes pot and drinks too much. He is an artist, and in his group of friends all these things are pretty standard. He has cut back on his drinking lately, but he is basically in the garage most nights until about 8 working, drinking and smoking, then comes in eats dinner with me and passes out. I am very lonely. We do go out, and then things typically go well. But it is more the day in day out living that we just feel too incompitable with. With all these issues, it is really the porn and being willing to lie about it that bothers me the most. I feel like in turn, I am so hung up on sex with him because it is the only time I feel connected with him anymore, and like he is not choosing porn over me.

The only time I really feel close to his is when we are on vacation, because he actually spends time with me then...and can't smoke pot. I feel so bad leaving him because I feel bad for him, and I know he really does love me. But I just can't see staying with him without some major changes, and I know you can't change somebody. I have tried to come to terms with things, and reframe the way I look at things, and it typically works for awhile but then all the problems come flooding back. I am so scared that I am making a huge mistake by leaving, but also afraid of wasting anymore time here.

I am 25, we have been married almost 5 yrs, no kids, own our home.

[heartlyric]

It sounds like you have told him how you feel and he is trying but it isn't enough. There are obviously A LOT of problems in place here but if there was one issue alone that you could focus on what would it be?

It sounds like it is his lack of attention to you. If he still drank, smoke pot and loved porn like crazy but still spent plenty of time, not even sex just quality time, with you would you still be ready to jump ship?

[broc]

Well, here's the thing. To me, love isn't an off on vacation, out to eat thing. It's a day in day out kind of thing. I know my H loves me not because of whatever prescribed gesture he's going to give me for Mother's Day, but because he's willing to do the dishes for me on a daily basis. Does that make sense? It's really easy to love someone and want to be with them in the short term when you're both doing fun stuff.

Anyway, waxing lyrical aside, it sounds like you have a fundamental difference in how you want to live your life. Let's be real... if he stopped watching porn tomorrow, and his daily routine went from art -> dinner -> pass out to art -> dinner -> sex -> pass out, would that really be enough of a connection to sustain a marriage over the long haul for you?

[Deleted]

You don't have a porn problem. You have a douche problem. It seems to me homeboy is going out of his way to avoid having an emotional relationship with you. He throws a couple crumbs at you in the way of nights out but he seems like an all around crappy husband. Even if he started banging you on the regular, he's still out in the garage fronting like he's single.

[patti654]

Love that u said fronting like he s single..lol w the garage door closed. like I said I know I focus on sex too much, so maybe that is part of the problem.I dont know what wouls fix things, maybe just looking for an easu fix.

[patti654]

Broc, hr does the dishes, takes out the trash, holds my hand, calls me to tell me he loves me, so that should be the important stuff

[smock]

May 12, 2012 20:24:38 GMT -5 patti654 said:

Broc, hr does the dishes, takes out the trash, holds my hand, calls me to tell me he loves me, so that should be the important stuff

Well, then I guess you have to decide which is more important: hand-holding, dishes, trash, OR pot, alcohol, and porn.

[fussbucket]

Do you remember passing something that looked like this about 3 or 4 years ago?

[malibu]

Did he do these things before you were married? If so, I'd have to ask the age-old question-then why did you marry him? If he didn't, then like smock said, you will need to decide if the pot, drinking, and porn is a dealbreaker for you.

[kmw325i]

May 12, 2012 21:17:57 GMT -5 fussbucket said:

Do you remember passing something that looked like this about 3 or 4 years ago?

[statlerwaldorf]

He has proven that he won't change. By staying all you would be doing is wasting time.

[patti654]

He drank , but far less, and smoked pot when we met..but I was 18 and those things were hardly deal bteakers then. I didnt find out about the porn until we d been married about two years.

[Muddled]

I feel so bad leaving him because I feel bad for him, and I know he really does love me. But I just can't see staying with him without some major changes, and I know you can't change somebody.

This is the part of your OP that I am stuck on. You just said that you don't want to leave him because you feel sorry for him. Is that really a good reason for sticking around?

YOu got married when you were 20. It is not unusual that you would not be the same person or wnat the same things 5 years later. It seems like he may be stuck at that age. If you are growing, then allow yourselves the opportunities you need to do so.