Have you ever had someone hate you and you have no clue why?

[ECB]

On one hand I feel I should give all the background.  On another, I don’t want to write a novel.  I’ll try for in between.

DH used to work w/ Mark. Like, over 10 years ago.  We got along well w/ Mark and his wife, Megan. Not super close, but we’d get together occasionally.  They got married the same year we did (11 years ago) and went on to have 4 kids.  We only have 1.  So- their lives went down the kid path earlier than ours and as such, we didn’t see them as much.  I think the last time all 4 of us got together
was when she was PG w/ #3 – which was OVER 5 years ago.  But we’ve always liked them and enjoyed them.

We now live about 5 minutes from them.  Mark and his oldest came to our housewarming party about 2 years ago. Then when we were looking at preschools, we saw Megan reading to the kids at one of the top contenders (i.e. they’ve sent all their kids to this school).  I contacted her shortly after to ask about the school, etc. She called me, we talked, all was good.  Oh, and once about 2 years ago I ran into her at a local playground and she actually came over to me to talk and catch up.  It was a nice, pleasant chat.

So, keep in mind that Megan is very outgoing, “bubbly” to a degree, and very talkative/chatty.   

We picked the same school to send DS to, so our kids (DS and her 3rd child) have been at the same school for the past year (although different classes/ages).  So I'd see her occasionally at drop-off time.

And I am now completely perplexed.  The first “clue in” actually happened at Target.  I went there one afternoon and I
saw her w/ 2 of her kids.  I called out her name and went over to say hi.  You know those scenes of people who keep pushing their cart and talking over their shoulder because they don’t want to talk to the person who just walked up to them?  Yeah, that was her.  At the time, I thought “well, she does have 2 of her kids. She may just be in a rush.”.    But by the time I made my way around the store, I saw her in the food section just casually standing there chit-chatting w/ another woman.

This was my first “huh… this is odd”.  But again, who knows.  There could be a million reasons why this Target experience played out the way it did.

BUT it was the experiences after that.  I won’t go into them, but long story short is that it became clear to me that she avoids me, won’t look at me, will turn away when she sees me.  Target was just the first one that started to make this apparent. 

I have absolutely NO CLUE what the f—happened to make her SO clearly avoid me.  We had a pleasant phone conversation (that SHE initiated!) and then a few months later, it’s like I slept w/ her DH and she wants nothing to do with me. 

I’m thinking of this because yesterday was the last day of preschool.  Her DD “graduated”.  When I walked in to go to DSs class for their little end of year party, all the graduating parents were in the main room.  She was “right there”.  She saw me and very visibly turned around.  Mark was there too but w/ his back to me.  I haven’t seen or talked to him in 2 years.   I actually very purposely veered another way through the crowd.  I know he saw me as I “passed” them.  I have NO clue if he also has some issue w/ me (us? Although DH told me that she does say hi to him the few times he's seen her.) too or if it’s just her, but either way, if he wants to reach out, he can.  I’m not going to put myself out there at all. 

But I’m truly just baffled!  Not to the degree that I’m going to “do” anything about it, though.  I actually unfriended both of them
on FB a month or so ago.  I figure if I’ve done something SO egregious that she’ll act like this but not talk to me about it, then I’m just not going to participate/ play games/ pretend.  In the end, we’ve never really been close so it’s no skin off my nose.  But at the
same time, that’s also why I’m baffled! 

I think I'm a generally nice person.  At least enough so that the people who don't know me all that well might think so....  

[tiramisu]

That is bizarre. And even though you weren't close, it still sucks. I'm sorry you're having to deal with someone so blatantly rude.

To answer your question, yes I have had someone hate me. I never got answers and it bugged me, but I decided it was their loss and moved on.

[ECB]

May 23, 2013 9:28:24 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

To answer your question, yes I have had someone hate me. I never got answers and it bugged me, but I decided it was their loss and moved on.

I have a feeling this is probably the norm! 

[Deleted]

That's weird, I have a hard time believing anyone hates you ECB! Is there something from her past that maybe she is now dealing with that makes it hard to see/talk to you? Like for example, you saw her during X time in her life and now she is trying to move on from that time? Not saying it's right to avoid you, but some people try to put people in the past along with the experience because it's too painful.

Do you have any other contact w/ her? FB friends? Do you even care to say something like, I notice we used to be friendly and now it seems like you're giving me the cold shoulder. Is there something I missed?

[ECB]

doglove - I really can only say "I don't think so".  We've always liked them but we've truly never been close with them and we really only saw them so, so, so sporadically.  We were a tad "closer" when Mark and DH worked together - but that's over 11 years ago! 

[Deleted]

I wonder if she heard something about you through the grapevine at school? Any incidents there? Otherwise it could be something so weird and petty and someone logical like you would never assume she would react in this way.

ETA - Like you picked the same preschool that she did! Oh the horror. 

[ECB]

May 23, 2013 9:38:54 GMT -5 doglove said:

I wonder if she heard something about you through the grapevine at school? Any incidents there? Otherwise it could be something so weird and petty and someone logical like you would never assume she would react in this way.

ETA - Like you picked the same preschool that she did! Oh the horror. 

That's the thing- we really have no mutual friends.  Our kids aren't in the same "grade", there are no cross overs.  Or at least not that I know of.  The only parents I really talk to are 2 moms who live in my neighborhood and I know I've never spoken to either of them about her.  There would be no reason to. 

And I truly doubt she'd care that we picked the same school. 

this is why I am so baffled. 

[partiallysunny]

Yes, but it's was years later I learned that people use to think that I'm "stuck up" and "too good" for them.

Really, I'm just painfully shy when I first meet people.

Your situation is baffling. I've never had anyone be friendly towards me then all of the sudden start avoiding me. That's really strange.

[starrieskies]

That's so bizarre!

I have had people decide they don't like me for whatever reason in my past, but I tend to think that I'm generally a likable person. The people pleaser in me wants to know why they don't like me and see if it's something I can change, but the realist in me knows that if they are so quick to judge me then I don't really need to waste my time trying to justify it.

I have learned that I sometimes get very focused on the task at hand and can come off as snobbish and rude, when really I just have a bad case of tunnel vision. The people who know me know that and are very accepting of it.

[margarita]

Well, I think the real question is, did you sleep with Mark?

[ECB]

May 23, 2013 11:21:38 GMT -5 margarita said:

Well, I think the real question is, did you sleep with Mark?

Well, sure, of COURSE.  but SHE doesn't know that.... 

[margarita]

May 23, 2013 11:32:09 GMT -5 ECB said:

May 23, 2013 11:21:38 GMT -5 margarita said:

Well, I think the real question is, did you sleep with Mark?

Well, sure, of COURSE.  but SHE doesn't know that.... 

Well, there's your answer. She's just jealousE!!!111

[margarita]

In all seriousness, it does sound very strange, and you'll probably never find out why. I mean, even if you were to ask her point blank if there's a problem, how likely is it that she'd be honest with you?

It does suck when this happens though. Sorry ECB.

[ECB]

May 23, 2013 12:41:52 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

And four kids? I'd be a spazzo.

Seriously!

Who knows- there could be something else to it that really has nothing to do w/ me.  I don't think so- she's blatantly turned away from me only to be seen talking w/ someone else 2 minutes later. 

But... while I find it baffling, the fact is she isn't a close friend and it really has no impact on my life.  It's just SOOOO odd to me.  I think I'm a pretty "reality based" person.  There have been people in my life who I've lost touch with/ we grew apart and if I sit and think 'did I ever do anything to offend/upset them' - I can see times where there might be room for something, unintentional or not. I'm absolutely not perfect! 

I just truly can't think of anything that led to this with her. 

Well, I guess it IS possible Mark told her about us...

[Muddled]

Do you actually want to know the answer?

[ECB]

May 23, 2013 13:15:34 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

 I was just trying to find some way to excuse her behavior. Because really, cutting you like that is pretty strong; turning AWAY from you, not looking at you, not speaking to you, is just so severe. I know people I've grown apart from, and if I ran into them in the store I'd say hello; it's not like we hate each other, it's just that we no longer have whatever connection made us friendly in the first place. What she's doing is the kind of thing I'd do if I seriously disliked you and had a grudge. I'm sorry she's being so weird.

Oh, I hear you.  There are people who *I* dislike because of things they've said/ done to me, and if I ran into them on the street, I'd at least be polite.

I really feel like I must have done something like sleep w/ her DH or killed her puppy! 

But to your point, Sue, there could be something just so crazy/off the cuff that I'd never think of it anyhow.

Who knows.

And Muddled, to a point, yes, I'd like to know.  Just because I'm truly so baffled.  I doubt I ever will, though. 

[Muddled]

In this case, I would call her and set up a date for coffee or something and attempt to clear the air.

[ECB]

May 23, 2013 14:59:43 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

When someone is this rude, is it even worth knowing why? It would seem like enough that they're a total douche whenever you see them.

Even people I don't like, I'm civil with in public. I don't think I've ever deliberately turned away from someone in my life. Because I'm, you know, generally a normal fucking person.

LOL.  Yeah, I thought she was normal.  Clearly not.

And yeah... i want to know, but I don't actually care enough to exert energy to find out.  Again, these are people that weren't a big part of our lives to start with. I'm not going to lose sleep over it and while I'm posting about it today - it's not something I want to give more weight in my life than it really needs. 

[captainmel]

I agree with Muddled. I am generally a very blunt person, I would just call and see if she wants to chat for a bit and talk about randoms. Her behavior seems really odd. See what she has to say, maybe she got herpes from Mark and he said he got it from you.

[Muddled]

I feel like you just do whatever you need to do to let this go. As others have said, she's not worth all this energy you're giving her. If it takes a talk, so be it. If it takes a rant or two on GBCN, cool.

[Deleted]

Next time you see her, just ask "Have I done something to offend you?"

Either she'll tell you what the problem is so you'll have an opportunity to address it - or she won't, which will tell you a few things: 1. the reason she stopped talking to you is probably stupid and arbitrary 2. she's probably not a reasonable person, or a nice person 3. you need not take her behavior so personally or so seriously.

[bowies]

Could it be that she feels you have rejected/used her in some way? And she finds it awkward to interact with you?

Or maybe she thinks you know something awful about her? Dun dun DUUUUNNNN.

Really, who knows? Slot her into your "hey friends" category (people you acknowledge with a wave) and move along.