Being Slapped

[athena3210]

Hi ladies, I'm an occasional lurker so I hope you don't mind me posting. I'm about to finalize my divorce. There was something about my marriage that I've never shared with anyone, except for now.

In the 3 years of our marriage, I was slapped 3 times. Each time, I'd leave and sleep in a hotel room but return the next day and not do much else about it. In hindsight, I realize I should've done a lot more than that.

I was/still am deeply ashamed to tell anyone. He is a medical doctor so if I had pressed charges, I'm assuming it would've affected his career and destroyed our marriage. Also, I didn't know if anyone would believe me because he's a very funny, charming person and appeared very nice and harmless to others. I don't even think our closest friends would believe it if I revealed his very controlling and critical ways with me at home. I called it his dark side.

Now that my marriage is over, I'm constantly thinking about the slapping and wanted to know your thoughts. 

[TrickyBob]

My Husband would have a hard time shutting me up if he slapped me, I'd tell everyone. And then I'd divorce him. Especially if it were a common occurrence.

ETA: I want to say though, that if it was a one time thing and completely out of character, I would possibly work it out. But if his personality was controlling and abusive? See above. 

[wannabe]

I understand completely. It's hard when people think you have the perfect relationship and that the guy is so fun and cool and crap. I'm glad you got away from him, though. Don't feel ashamed. You didn't deserve to be slapped.

[Chelle]

That's a tough one and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I would talk to him the first time, demand counselling the second time and probably leave and press charges the third time. That's a career ender for my man, so I take involving the police VERY seriously.

I've never been hit by any of my past partners, so I think it's impossible to say for sure what I would do, but that's what I think I would do.

[hisno1girl]

As someone who was previously married to an abusive man, I have a zero tolerance for physical abuse.

If my husband slapped me, I would leave him. I don't think I would call the police and press charges though. I don't think one slap automatically makes a person a danger to society but my marriage would be over.

Hitting is a deal breaker for me.

I'm sorry that you were treated like that.

[sunshineluv]

I am so proud of you for getting out of an abusive situation. It sounds like you did before it got really horrible. Don't be hard on yourself for not leaving him sooner, you did it!!! You will be officially divorced from him soon! (I am assuming no kids right?)

Now you will know things to look out for in future relationship.

[snickers]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I picked option 1, if I didn't beat the shit out of him after he slapped me, which knowing me, I probably would. Not that that is the right thing to do..

[lilybug]

My reaction would depend a lot on how he handled it afterward.

If he seemed very remorseful, knew it was wrong, etc, I would demand anger management but wouldn't necessarily divorce him over it.

If he was not sorry, and tried to make me feel like I deserved it or I was making too big a deal out of it, I'd file charges and leave him.

I am sorry about your divorce, but it sounds like you're getting out of a not-great situation. I'm sorry you had to experience that.

[Deleted]

The fact that you feel ashamed says a lot about the kind of asshole he is. You didn't do anything wrong or to feel ashamed of, he did. I'm going to suggest you talk someone so his emotional abuse doesn't continue to interfere with your life.

[ElizabethBennet]

Jun 9, 2013 5:11:30 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

As someone who was previously married to an abusive man, I have a zero tolerance for physical abuse.

If my husband slapped me, I would leave him. I don't think I would call the police and press charges though. I don't think one slap automatically makes a person a danger to society but my marriage would be over.

Hitting is a deal breaker for me.

I'm sorry that you were treated like that.

This is my answer.

I highly doubt I would press charges for a slap but I would be out of the house (and the marriage) instantly.

[Deleted]

I didn't answer your poll, because I would just divorce him. No way. I probably wouldn't press charges or call the police, but I would just pick up DD and head on out the door for good.

[moolarkey]

When I was 19 I dated a guy that smacked me. I decided to give him a 2nd chance but told him if it ever happened again that was it. A few weeks later he smacked me again. That was it, I never intentionally spoke to him again. About 2 years later I ran in to him at a local festival, he tried to engage me in conversation I kept right on moving until I met up with my friends about 50' away who were waiting for me.

I don't know what prompted this between my parents, possibly my mom had either been in or had friends who were in an abusive relationship but my parents had an agreement that the first person to hit would be the one going to jail. In 3 months short of 50 years of marriage they never hit each other. They did have some loud arguments but not hitting.

People can give a blanket statement that if you hit me, we're done but until you actually live it I'm not sure that statement holds water. The guy that smacked me, both times, did it over something really small and unimportant so the smacks came out of the blue. I could walk away because it was wrong and I also only had a short-time invested in the relationshpi. If you have a long time, you have kids, you have a home etc.. it might be much harder to walk away. It might also depend on the level of violence behind the hit and whether you thought it had the potential to expand beyound a smack.

I've often wondered what prompted the guy I dated to be that way. I never say indications of his parents being that way other than - I tend to be a slow eater, I really chew my food a lot before I swallow something. NOT excessively, it's not that bad. But he warned me that I needed to basically inhale my food when we ate at their house because his dad was a really fast eater and didn't like it if anyone ate slowly. I may be building that up bigger than it was but that has stuck with me and seemed odd behavior, if his dad was so intent on everyone eating quickly that this guy felt he needed to war me... what else did his dad think/do? It really makes me suspicious that smacking/spanking went on between his dad and mom.

[jojoandleo]

I'm kind of surprised at the number of people who said they would move forward in their marriage. Is it just because the other options include filing a police report?

In all honesty, after the first time, I could see demanding counseling and trying to work on it, but I don't think it would work. That is a line that you don't cross. It would break my trust and that is just a hard thing to repair. I hope I would leave the second time, but you never really know how you would react in these situations until you are actually in them. I am sorry he treated you that way. You didn't deserve it. His slapping you says something about HIM, not about you.

[dragonfly08]

A one time deal, after which DH showed remorse and a willingness to go to counseling and/or anger management? And it never happened again? I'd probably try and work on my marriage but you better believe he'd be sleeping in the car for a while.

If it happened a second time, he'd be out on his ass. I don't know if I'd file a police report...depends on whether or not I felt he was a potential danger to the kids, I suppose. If not I probably wouldn't, for them not for him. If I thought for an instant that he might hurt them I'd have him arrested in a heartbeat.

[10nille]

I'd divorce him and if there were custody of children to consider I would definitely be filing a police report. Hitting is a dealbreaker and no amount of remorse would make me feel comfortable living with a man who hits.
You'd be surprised the people who would believe you, sometimes Mr. Charming is setting off alarms in their minds. Glad you got out of the marriage, good luck to you.

[lime]

As someone else said upthread, if someone hit me, I would also respond by hitting. Not that this is the greatest idea, but no way would I not defend myself.

My father is a physician and is very controlling. He hit my mother not too long after they were married (less than a year?) and split her lip open. I believe she needed to see a dentist, as well.

She did the talk it out, let's move forward, no more hitting thing. The end result is that he didn't hit her ever again. HOWEVER, he hit my sister and I and became very good at physical abuse that wasn't exactly "hitting" or looked accidental - because, hey, he knew the human body well - and he was an absolute virtuoso of emotional abuse.

In short, telling someone not to hit you again doesn't necessarily fix anything. I'm glad you are leaving your marriage. You deserve much better. Big hugs to you as you move forward with this process.

[cheeseandcrackers]

i'm not sure what i would do with this.
i don't think i would call the police and leave if it happened once, i would probably try to talk this out with him and see what could have caused something like this.
if it happened again, i'd be OUT.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

I am really surprised by the results of this poll. I would be GONE.

[auntie]

I'd be gone.

Whether I pressed charges would depend on whether I wanted to create a trail around child custody.

[BaliHai]

I voted leave, file police report, press charges, but in reality I'd just leave, make sure everyone knew exactly why I was leaving, and file a police report.

[Deleted]

listen, i'd be gone. my husband slapping me would come out of NOWHERE in our marriage/relationship/life. it would indicate, to me, that he was an entirely different person than the person i'd grown to love and build a life with. ergo, leaving him would be "easy" in a sense, because i certainly wouldn't be leaving "the person" that i love.

but i'd bet by the time your husband slapped you even the first time, other, smaller, less obvious things had occurred to erode your self-confidence, self-reliance, and ability to trust your own opinions and judgment. which is why things like not wanting to destroy his career would even occur to you, much less be something that would factor into your decision not to have left him/reported it then. he was abusive and manipulative. nothing you did made this your fault. it's okay that it took you awhile to figure it all out and haul ass out of that relationship. give yourself a break, move forward happily, know that next time (hopefully) you'll have the skills to identify someone like this way earlier on.

[ooglie26]

If it was a one time occurrence, we would need to sit down and have a serious talk about the whole situation. I could forgive a one time deal. If it happened on multiple occasions, I'd walk out and not look back.

I'm saying this, because I spent 4 years of my life in a highly abusive relationship. He would beat me, and then play mind games which left me believing I deserved it. Everyone on the outside thought we had such an amazing relationship. When I left, they finally understood the nightmare I had been living.

Regardless of what led up to the slapping, you didn't deserve it. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm glad you got out, and that you are moving forward in life. Use this a learning experience, and as others have said, you'll likely have the skills to identify this type of person moving forward.

[MrsAxilla]

I didn't vote because you said your divorce is almost final. I wouldn't bother pressing charges, honestly. Don't count on it ruining his career. Only a conviction will show up on any background check, and those are not easy to get, especially if these slaps were in the past and you don't have any evidence of them (like bruises or a police report from when it happened). Even if you do get a conviction, that's not necessarily going to keep him out of a job, let alone get his license revoked. Take it from someone who credentialed physicians for a living. It's a waste of your time.

Finalize your divorce, get counseling if you feel you need it, and move on with your life. Good luck!

[SKP82]

My mother was in an abusive marriage and I have zero tolerance for physical abuse. If my H slapped me, I would divorce him. I don't know if I would press charges, but as far as continuing my marriage, it's probably the one thing that I would not try to work out and be done immediately.

[juliagoulia]

I'd be gone baby, gone. And I'd call the police and press charges.

Cheating and any kind of abuse are no-doubt-about-it dealbreakers for me. There are multiple billion people on the planet- if I want to, I can find someone who can manage their lives without slapping me. Ever.

[kcr1972]

I completely understand that it is a hard decision to make. But trust me when I say that it never ends at a slap. It can and most likely will get worse. My ex husband slapped me once, and everything was fine for years after that. We barely even argued. But then things took at very dramatic turn and I am lucky to be alive. I still have long term damage from from being punched in the head repeatedly.

It is so easy to say you would leave. I always said I would never put up with it. My friends and family wre shocked that I was putting up with it as they always thought I was someone who would either leave or fight back. But the psychological effect of being abused daily makes you feels o weak and helpless. I also thought no one would believe me, as he was someone everyone loved and admired.  It took realizing that my son was not blind to what was going on like I thought he was to end the marriage.

[karmasabiotch]

You don't have anything g to be ashamed of and no one should be hit. He is the with the issue.

I strongly encourage you to contact your local domestic violence agency and get involved in some group and individual counseling. It's great that you ended the relationship but the harder part is making sure you don't end up in a similar one.

Hugs...

[Deleted]

Who the fuck is staying? Because I need to hear the really good reason behind any spouse hitting another in a situation where the marriage would last.

Aside from mid sleep or unforeseen medical/rx issues, just no.

Please explain your gut reaction to work it out, since it is half of the board.

[Deleted]

I refuse to believe that large % of the board is in an abusive relationship where staying is a pattern or cycle of existing abuse.

[flex]

I wouldn't file a police report, because I'd be so stunned if DH had actually done something like that. We'd have many very serious talks.

My ex-dh slapped me a few times during our relationship. I would never tolerate a second slap from DH. If it happened a second time, I would have left him.