Asking for an apology (long)

[thisismyae]

The back story:
DH and I have been married for about 5 years. I have a disability that was present long before I met DH. This disability keeps me from doing a lot of things so admittedly DH pulls most of the weight at home. I know this is unfair to him but he knew before he married me that this would be the way it worked. However I do work full time, despite doctor's orders to only work part time, because we need the money. By the time I get home from work I am physically incapable of doing much at home.

In recent months DH has been making comments about how he's the only one that does anything in our relationship, that I'm useless, and that I have no right to ask him for anything ever because of everything he does for me. We've talked about these comments and I've been very clear that they are hurtful, untrue, and doing a serious number on my self esteem. I also have been working hard to do more at home, despite my limitations, but he doesn't seem to recognize this at all. He has promised time and again to try to curb the comments. He hasn't curbed them and each time he says something like this I wonder more and more if he's saying it because he truly believes it, instead of them being "heat of the moment comments" as he always tries to play it off as.

The problem:
Last night DH went to bed before I was done brushing my teeth. When I got in bed he clumsily pawed at my stomach a few times and said "You could give me a BJ if you wanted to." This is a common request from him and most of the time he really doesn't even want it, so I assumed he was playing with me again so I told him no thanks and he got upset with me (although I have a higher sex drive and he turns me down all the damn time and I never say a word, when I turn him down for whatever reason it's like I'm stealing a piece of his manhood). I admit I was wrong for assuming he was playing games, and I immediately apologized when I realized he was not.

After I said "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were serious," he said "It doesn't matter. I'm the only fucking one that does anything in this relationship anyway."

I started crying and a few minutes later he left the room without another word. I closed the bedroom door after he left because I was still crying and I didn't want him to be able to hear me. He came back in right after, slammed the door, and spent the rest of the night on the couch. I fluctuated between being really angry and really sad all night last night. I didn't sleep at all. Around 4 this morning I came to the conclusion that without a genuine apology I might not get over this. He pretty much told me last night that if I'm not even going to let him use my pussy then WTF am I good for?

This morning we didn't speak to each other at all until I was dropping him off at work, which is when he gave me a kiss and told me to have a good day. Although I'm really angry at him I do still love him so I told him I loved him and hoped he had a good day too and he just got out and closed the door.

I avoid confrontation at all costs. I went through a lot as a child and never really learned to stand up for myself so I find it's easier to just let things go. I really do want an apology this time around but I don't know how to tell him that. I went over the conversation in my head so many times last night and no matter how I approach this I know it's going to start a fight. I don't want to fight. I want to resolve this.

How do I ask him to apologize and tell him he hurt me without starting a fight? Am I in the wrong here? Should I just get over this and move on?

[ECB]

I think you need more than an apology. What is an apology really going to do when you KNOW his comments and attitude are going to continue. That's what you need to start dealing with. You're ignoring the bigger picture.

[motzie]

He pretty much told me last night that if I'm not even going to let him use my pussy then WTF am I good for?

I would start with this. I'm sure he feels overwhelmed, but that is no excuse for him talking to you like he does. You guys need to have a big talk.

[margarita]

Uh, no. I do not think you should just get over this and move on.

He does owe you an apology, but I'm wondering if it would even help, since he doesn't seem interested in changing this behavior. And no matter how he's feeling, he has no right to talk to you that way.

[Deleted]

Apology my ass. I'm sorry but there is no way in hell you should continue to be married to this fucking turd of a man.

There's nothing forgivable about this situation, nothing to work out.

I'm not sure what happened in his fucked up little head but here's no going back from this nasty little attitude he's developed.

[esdreturns]

I'm with Habbies.

[kellbell191]

Even with an apology you two are well down the road to resentment and you need to curb that. I think marriage counseling would be the best way to go...you can also sit down and discuss why he feels like he does everything, what else would make him feel supported, etc. I tend to get overwhelmed sometimes with being OCD and wanting the house spotless....which leads to me feeling like "I do everything." Until I take a step back and realize DH fixes everything in the house that breaks, takes care of our land, pays the bills, etc. etc. You guys need to actually get to the bottom of this, not just apologize and sweep it under the rug.

[makemineadouble]

I'm guessing he's the type to bottle up resentments and then explode when he can't hold them in anymore. Super unhealthy. If you think it's worth trying to fix, some counseling would be good.

And maybe your DH could sit down with you and your medical doctor to go over what you should and should not be doing and see how other people with your condition adapt to deal with day to day life. That way he is coming at things with realistic expectations for you. Plus, maybe a support group for spouses that take care of disabled spouses would be good.

But his underlying anger/resentment/disrespect have to be addressed before you can even think about finding practical solutions to how you run your household.

[Dramasailor]

Jun 13, 2012 9:34:41 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Apology my ass. I'm sorry but there is no way in hell you should continue to be married to this fucking turd of a man.

There's nothing forgivable about this situation, nothing to work out.

I'm not sure what happened in his fucked up little head but here's no going back from this nasty little attitude he's developed.

This. Oh my god this. The best thing you can do for you, your self esteem, and your own sanity is to run far and fast. People with an attitude like his are wastes of carbon, time, and oxygen.

Don't get me wrong, I think fighting for something good is a, well, good thing. Honey, this isn't good. I was already set on a get the hell out stance from about halfway through. Then you dropped "last night that if I'm not even going to let him use my pussy then WTF am I good for" on us. That right there would be enough to earn his ass a tanning, as well as a dumping.

[Deleted]

Are you people high??? FUCKING HIGH!!

If you require an outside presence to tell you not to treat your disabled wife like your personal sex toy or make nasty, snide comments to her about her limitations, you don't deserve to be married. You just fucking don't.

[Deleted]

Also, this is a form of abuse. He's talking you down, making you feel like shit, assaulting your selfesteem and trying to manipulate you into "servicing" him on top of that. Uhm no. Just fucking no.

[bowies]

I don't know what an apology is going to do other than allow you to continue to sweep things under the rug to avoid conflict. Your H resents you for being you. That ain't gonna change. He's a dick.

[BettyBookWorm]

Jun 13, 2012 9:24:08 GMT -5 motzie said:

He pretty much told me last night that if I'm not even going to let him use my pussy then WTF am I good for?

I would start with this. I'm sure he feels overwhelmed, but that is no excuse for him talking to you like he does. You guys need to have a big talk.

"use your pussy??!!!!!" holy hell what an unbelievable asshole. If my H said that to me I would tell him I could use his head as batting practice! Divorce this bum like yesterday. What he is doing is verbal (& I would say sexual too really) abuse.

He knew what situation he was getting when he married you. He agreed to take it all on & now he's behaving like a big baby. There is no excuse for those comments. An apology is shit if he can't clean up his act.

He needs to treat you like a loving partner. You are doing your best despite your limitations. Instead of recognizing your efforts he chooses to act the martyr & then ask for sex on demand? Treating sex as a bargaining chip or payment for "all he does" is bullshit. Sex should be a mutually beneficial & rewarding experience for all involved.

He's abusing you. Show him the door.

[marie427]

The OP said this is par for the course for him - blow up on her, apologize, lather, rinse and repeat. This is not healthy at all and I'd be shocked if that behavior changed, though anything can happen.

I'm not going to say the OP should DTMFA immediately but if he doesn't realize what he's doing and doesn't take steps ON HIS OWN to resolve his feelings of resentment or whatever...well, *then* you can DTMFA.

ETA: Yeah, just DTMFA asap.

[pedanticwench]

The only thing you need to ask for is a divorce.

I'm so sorry that your H is a complete douchebag. You deserve so much better.

[emilyj]

Jun 13, 2012 9:24:08 GMT -5 motzie said:

He pretty much told me last night that if I'm not even going to let him use my pussy then WTF am I good for?

I would start with this. I'm sure he feels overwhelmed, but that is no excuse for him talking to you like he does. You guys need to have a big talk.

A talk? No. You do not TALK when your spouse says this to you after the behavior and actions he consistently has demonstrated.

You listen to what HAB has said. OP, this man is abusing you. And you take every step necessary to make it stop. Immediately. I am horrified for you. Get out. You deserve way better than this man.

[Mrs.Beagle]

Habs is wise. You should listen to her.

[gbck]

This is bigger than an 'apology'.
ANd 'sorry' does not an apology make.

Being aware of the behavior, why it was wrong/hurtful and plan to improve it is what a 'real' apology is made of--but it doesn't sound like that's the plan.

[Dramasailor]

Also, if you ask him for an apology, the apology will be worthless. In the long run, you really won't feel better because it WILL weigh on your mind as to whether or not he was sincere or just providing lip service to get back into your pants.

To the PP that said you wouldn't recommend it unless he takes steps on his own to fix it, that hasn't happened yet, and I wouldn't expect it to happen this time. The OP should DTMFA ASAP. The relationship is toxic, non-beneficial to the OP, and keeps her in a position of extreme derision and subservience. That's un-fucking-excusable.

[Deleted]

If he hasn't had a come to Jesus moment already, he isn't going to have one any time soon, Marie. At minimum, she should have his shit put on the lawn and see if he takes himself to therapy or continues being a raging turd.

I put money on the latter.

[broc]

Jun 13, 2012 9:52:17 GMT -5 marie427 said:

The OP said this is par for the course for him - blow up on her, apologize, lather, rinse and repeat. This is not healthy at all and I'd be shocked if that behavior changed, though anything can happen.

Not healthy? AYFKM? This is a textbook cycle of abuse. TEXTBOOK.

OP, DTMFA.

[marie427]

Jun 13, 2012 10:02:14 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

If he hasn't had a come to Jesus moment already, he isn't going to have one any time soon, Marie. At minimum, she should have his shit put on the lawn and see if he takes himself to therapy or continues being a raging turd.

I put money on the latter.

You're right. I realized after I posted that the chances of this happening are the same as my chances of competing in the Olympics. I'm always so reluctant to just tell someone to divorce an asshole but the more I think about this, the more I think that's what needs to happen at this point.

[pedanticwench]

For clarification's sake (and to keep people from wildly guessing), would you be willing to tell us what your disability is?

[thisismyae]

Trust me when I say I know this behavior is unacceptable, and I'm not trying to be that girl that makes excuses for their DH, but he's generally a loving and caring husband. He's been stressing a lot lately and he does have a problem with directing his anger at the appropriate targets, so I know this plays a role in his behavior. I do also genuinely feel bad for being unable to be an adult and pull my own weight at home. I struggle with this a lot.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. I will be sitting down to talk to him tonight when I get home from work. It will probably start a fight and I guess I'm just going to have to be okay with that because this absolutely needs to be discussed and resolved. I won't live the rest of my life like this. I know this is neither normal nor healthy.

To the poster that suggesting bringing him along to my appointments, I've done that. He has been to every appointment since we got married. He sat beside me after my very intrusive surgery and listened to the doctor tell me I couldn't go back to work for 3-4 months, and even then to only do so part time. He listened to me argue with my doctor about it. He is in no way ignorant of the problems I'm dealing with or my doctor's recommendations.

[Deleted]

Team Habs. His behavior isn't going to change in my opinion - it's NOT like he got mad once and made some asshole comments about your disability (although even that would be thin ice for me.) you say this has become almost common for him. So no, no counseling etc. I think you need to break ties.

[Mrs.Beagle]

Jun 13, 2012 10:08:18 GMT -5 thisismyae said:

Trust me when I say I know this behavior is unacceptable, and I'm not trying to be that girl that makes excuses for their DH, but he's generally a loving and caring husband. He's been stressing a lot lately and he does have a problem with directing his anger at the appropriate targets, so I know this plays a role in his behavior. I do also genuinely feel bad for being unable to be an adult and pull my own weight at home. I struggle with this a lot.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. I will be sitting down to talk to him tonight when I get home from work. It will probably start a fight and I guess I'm just going to have to be okay with that because this absolutely needs to be discussed and resolved. I won't live the rest of my life like this. I know this is neither normal nor healthy.

To the poster that suggesting bringing him along to my appointments, I've done that. He has been to every appointment since we got married. He sat beside me after my very intrusive surgery and listened to the doctor tell me I couldn't go back to work for 3-4 months, and even then to only do so part time. He listened to me argue with my doctor about it. He is in no way ignorant of the problems I'm dealing with or my doctor's recommendations.

This doesn't make your husband look any better. He's fully aware of your limitations, knows that you're going beyond what the doctor recommended, and he still treats you like this.

Go all Waiting to Exhale on him.

[thisismyae]

PW- Its a very rare condition which would make it very easy to identify me so I don't feel comfortable stating the name of the condition. However, I will say I suffer from extreme chronic pain in the lower extremities.

[Deleted]

Dude, even if homegirl is the second coming of bval, dude either deals or he bounces. He doesn't get to stay and emotionally abuse his wife because he thinks her full of shit.

[copzgirl1171]

Your husband is the one with the disability and there is zero cure for dickhead.

[fussbucket]

He is emotionally abusive to you. Please seek individual therapy to help you deal with this situation.

If you are under Dr.'s orders to only work PT, are you collecting disability benefits? Are you eligible?