I need help to come up with a clear, logical answer

[bcv513]

to my FIL. For a variety of reasons, H and I have to leave our current place. We would like to buy a house. This means that I will most likely have to work full-time when we have kids. We had been planning on me working part-time. My dream would be to stay home, but I understand that can't happen.

When we told FIL we were house hunting, he said "My grandkids deserve the gift of a mother." And that he didn't let his wife work when the kids were little and that's why they're successful adults (which I beg to differ on the two other than H). He said if a mother isn't home with the kids, they have a much harder life and a much bigger chance of being drug addicts or teen moms.

I was so shocked, I got in the car and cried all the way home. And OF COURSE he didn't say this until H went to the bathroom. He knew H would have shut him down as soon as he started. I didn't say anything to him that night, which I regret now. But I need to come up with something to tell him next time other than "You're a lunatic."

And now a part of me DOES feel guilty, damn him!

[Deleted]

Um the clear logical answer is that this isn't 1900 WTF

[Deleted]

Um the clear logical answer is that this isn't 1900 WTF

[karmasabiotch]

Ignore. There isn't anything that will change his mind. He's from a different generation and it isn't worth making an issue out of since you won't have an option not to work anyway.

Plus, he sucks.

[Deleted]

I just watched a show last night where this was discussed. They said statistics show that girls actually do better in life when they have a working mother, and that there's no real conclusive evidence that working moms = failure kids. ( I have no idea if this is all true or not, it was just in my mind from last night)

Tell FIL unless he plans on ponying up half the mortgage or for bills, to shut his damn mouth because its not his decision otherwise.

[Deleted]

You're crazy would work just fine.

I have also used on my FIL, well then it's a good thing I'm not your wife

The last time I gave him a look and just walked away. Since that one he's stopped sharing his opinions with me. I know he still has them but as long as I don't hear them I don't care.


And you know what kids need? Happy parents. Which looks different in every family

[Saint Monica]

this is how you respond:

[Wrath0fKuus]

Two of your kids are losers, probably because they grew up with a father who thought he owned their mother. I'll be working.

[Deleted]

Seriously, he doesn't deserve a "clear, logical answer" because his argument is invalid since its not his kids and therefor not his decision whatsoever.

[soozy87]

I would just say that you and your husbnd will decide what is best for your family. Let him know that he is heard but that the ultimate decision will be made without him.

[Kit]

Obviously the clear answer is to tell him to mind his own business. How you raise your family and pay your bills are not exactly his concern.

[EmilieMadison]

Why do you think he deserves any sort of answer? This isn't his decision, his life, and his opinion doesn't (or shouldn't) hold any weight in your life. Why would you even consider giving him that kind of power?

[bcv513]

I love you guys. You're all right. He's crazy and doesn't even deserve to be engaged. He'll never change. Whenever MIL tries to talk about things like this he tells her to shut up and get back in the kitchen where she belongs. Literally. It's going to be worse for my kids to have him as a grandfather then to have a working mother.

[livinitup]

The clear, logical answer you seek has to convince YOU, not your FIL that this is a good plan for you and your family.

My grandmother told my mother that she would rather serve her family "Stone Soup" than work outside the home. It was a slur to my mother's plans at going to work as a nurse. My mom shrugged, and 40 years later, is retiring rom a wonderful career with happy, healthy non-drug addicted nor teen prego children. She considered it a blessing to work outside of the home. I work full time and my daughter has a wonderful, well-adjusted life. I LOVE her child care center and I love to work. I feel blessed, too.

If anyone blathered on that my parenting choices where incorrect, I'd laugh in their face, or shrug. I wouldn't cry in my car. The fact that you felt so stung and burst into tears means that you haven't fully embraced your plan to work full time. Until you do that, or adjust your living expenses to afford to stay home full or PT, you'll always be susceptible to other people's criticism.

[iheartvino]

MIL is pissed that I'm not only going back to work, but we're putting our child in d/c instead of letting her watch him full time. H's response when she brings it up/he says something about d/c is "I'm just letting you know what is going on in our lives. This is not up for discussion."

It has worked pretty well. She still thinks it is dumb, but at least H is putting it out there that it was a decision that the two of us made together, it will not be discussed, and if she wants involved in our lives, she needs to shut her mouth.

[iheartvino]

Also, don't feel guilty. I'm going back to work for a number of reasons. Financially, we don't absolutely need my salary, but we'll be able to pay down debt/get into a much better position with my salary. Without it, we would probably be a few disasters away from government assistance/bankruptcy/additional debt (what have you). Personally, I don't think I'm cut out to be a sahm, and I think H and my relationship would be filled with resentment, complicated by the fact that we wouldn't have any extra money to do anything for ourselves.

You have to make the best decision for you, your H, your marriage, your family and your child. You should not feel guilty about putting aside your dream to be a SAHM to make the best long term decision for your family.

[vanillacourage]

Jun 18, 2013 11:53:11 GMT -5 iheartvino said:

MIL is pissed that I'm not only going back to work, but we're putting our child in d/c instead of letting her watch him full time. H's response when she brings it up/he says something about d/c is "I'm just letting you know what is going on in our lives. This is not up for discussion."

It has worked pretty well. She still thinks it is dumb, but at least H is putting it out there that it was a decision that the two of us made together, it will not be discussed, and if she wants involved in our lives, she needs to shut her mouth.

This is excellent.  Don't engage him, you won't change his mind and it will only lead to an argument that makes you crazy.

[pedanticwench]

You are too sweet. You think this actually deserves an answer on your part.

Tell the old geezer to fuck off. Or better yet, ignore his stupid ass.