Newlyweds - yikes

[wambam]

Yeah, they just have to figure stuff out on their own. You can console and counsel as much you want, but in the end, they just have to figure it out.

[sake]

It's time for them to sit down and TALK about the things that are bothering her. She should be able to tell him that she doesn't like certain food, and he should be understanding of that. They could outline what chores he needs to do and what chores she needs to do, and what chores they will share.
I don't know what BC she is on, but constant bleeding doesn't usually happen, so she might need to consult a doctor about that.

[soozy87]

Yeah, I would stay out of that. You don't want to be drug into the middle of someone else's marriage problems.

[Deleted]

Lol. LOL.

Welcome to the real world!!


Poor girl. She will become bitter like the rest of us in no time.

[vanillacourage]

Cue positive pregnancy test in 5....4.....3.....

[Deleted]

That's a lot to take in for such a short amount of time. Lol, the first year is hard. 

[mrssandro]

This is the exact reason I condone living together first before getting married. They have a lot of getting to know you to do. Just tell her she needs to communicate her issues with her new husband as often as possible.

[Blueper]

This is exactly why I wanted to go through a period of cohabitation before marriage- and if we have kids I will encourage them to do the same. Hopefully they're able to work out their issues, but at least he is taking the initiative to cook something.

[cheeseandcrackers]

Yikes. How long have they been together before hand?

[pooh8402]

Jun 21, 2013 9:10:43 GMT -5 @astrid said:

Jun 21, 2013 9:04:46 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

H and I didn't live together before we got married, but we did stay at each others places regularly. We didn't think moving in together would be any different, but it sure was. The first year was an adjustment even though the only new thing was moving into the same place. I couldn't imagine doing all that in a month!

H and I didn't live together, either.  We had a knock down drag out at my mother's house about a month or two after we got married.  I chucked out suitcase down the driveway.  It was not my finest moment.

same here. when we're fighting, I usually need some physical space to decompress. of course, those first few months, he didn't know that yet. he kept barging into whatever room I had retreated to, to continue the argument. once, about 6 weeks after we married, I finally just left and went to my mom's house for the night. obvs, we worked it out.

[cheeseandcrackers]

And he doesn't know what kind of food she likes?
...

At least he is cooking, ha.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

Weeeeeeeeoohh. I'm really glad we lived together first.

[Deleted]

The summer after we got married was THE SHITTIEST time of our lives, by far. Even Jake's unemployment with twin newborns was not this bad.

Money was tight, we were living together again after living apart for a year, we were each commuting 3hrs+/day in the car, my boss was fucking with my hours -- it was stressful.

One time we literally had an almost-screaming match (we aren't screamers) over whose turn it was to go grocery shopping and I just walked out of the apartment. We don't scream, we don't leave, in fights. Over GROCERIES.

Yeah. Give them slack, listen, offer minimal advice, and be glad you're not in it, lol.

[Deleted]

I'm so glad that I lived with my H before we got married. I don't think I would have married him if I couldn't. I cannot blindly jump head first into a serious relationship like that. There has to be baby steps to get used to each other. I hope your sister figures it out. That's a tough situation.

[snickers]

Oh no
Glad I lived with H and had sex with him before marriage lol

[pantsparty]

That's a lot of change in one month! Nothing to do but work through it.

[Deleted]

They are going to have a lot of these fights while they try to find their footing. Nothing you can do but be there for her to commiserate to.

[Deleted]

Jun 21, 2013 8:58:00 GMT -5 @astrid said:

Jun 21, 2013 8:52:02 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Cue positive pregnancy test in 5....4.....3.....

From the sound of it, they haven't had much sex because it hurts and she feels like she's tearing.

In this case, I think the best advice you can give is to go out and get some good lube. Poor girl.
 

[lilafowler]

H and I lived in different states during our courtship so the first time we lived together was when we got married. It was TOUGH. Add to that he had never really lived on his own-he went from undergrad to living with his parents while he worked on his masters and then doctorate. He had a LOT to learn.

We made it though-for now.

[partiallysunny]

Stress communication and being able to take 'time outs' to get your thoughts together and calm down (for either spouse).

Biggest lesson I learned in the first year of marriage.

I hope it works out for her.

[Jalapeñomel]

How old is she?

[bcv513]

H and I didn't live together before marriage. That, plus some major external stress, has made the first few weeks of marriage absolutely miserable for us. I would definitely recommend that people live together before marriage. And have sex. You don't buy shoes without trying them on first

[luckyval]

My dad advised me to live with my prospective H for at least two years before marriage - that was good advice. And it was still hard as hell to adjust to the first year of marriage

[vampsterdam]

I didn't live with my H before we got married (part of it was I was living out of the country then moved back in with my parts, and he was in another state). We had no issues at all, but we also stayed together a lot during college (like, there was a summer where we were practically living together)

But I'm surprised at how many people I know who think moving in equates to knowing everything about how marriage will be. My friend had her bf move in after a month. They dated 5 years and then got married. Then they got divorced 6 months later.

Same with a few other people. Sometimes people just change once you're married and moving in beforehand doesn't always show you that.
ETA: like my friend's husband who always cooked for her while dating and now not only makes food, but is constantly berating her for her cooking and then eating at McDonald's if "it wasn't good enough". Gross.

[sparkythelawyer]

Sorry, time for her to grow up and use her big girl words

[iheartvino]

Jun 21, 2013 11:41:11 GMT -5 @smace said:

Don't get involved unless you want to hear every single thing bad from now until the end of time/their marriage. Which ever comes first.

"Sister, marriage is a very big adjustment. Your relationship is starting new; as a married couple not just dating. Part of the journey is figuring out each other in your new roles as husband and wife."

Do not listen to her bitch bc you'll have a skewed view of her husband and their marriage. Step away slowly.

I like all of this advice.

Also, does your sister drink? I didn't have sex till I was 24, and alcohol made it a lot easier, and I had a lot more confidence in myself. Not sloppy drunk, just happy and slightly numb, because it does hurt at first.

[cleo29]

Just putting this out there, but hormonal birth control has been the trigger for past depressive episodes and anxiety. Just something to keep in mind if this continues on.

[speckledfrog]

Jun 21, 2013 9:19:05 GMT -5 cheeseandcrackers said:

And he doesn't know what kind of food she likes?
...

At least he is cooking, ha.

Not for long if she's calling her sister to complain about it.

I agree that it is really beneficial to live with one another before you get married.  Somehow those knock down drag out fights about whether to leave the shower curtain open or closed (like it should even be a question) or what temperature to keep the thermostat at seem less terrible when you aren't also thinking "OMG, I am stuck with this FOREVERRRR!"

I also agree that you need to stay out of it.  The two of them need to figure out their own way to deal with their issues.

[VeryViolet]

I am so glad that we lived together before we got married. It was such a hard time when we first moved in together. A much harder than transition than getting married. I cannot imagine having to do both and figure out sex. I feel for your sister.

I remember a month or two after we moved in together we had a big fight and in my head I was thinking "okay I just have to do this for nine more months and then maybe my mom will let me move back in for a bit, I love him but I cannot live with him for another week let alone forever." I am sure he had similar thoughts as I am not exactly a gem to live with either. I think it was about six months in and it occurred to me that it wasn't hard anymore and it was actually nice.

[pantsparty]

Jun 21, 2013 11:55:17 GMT -5 iheartvino said:

Jun 21, 2013 11:41:11 GMT -5 @smace said:

Don't get involved unless you want to hear every single thing bad from now until the end of time/their marriage. Which ever comes first.

"Sister, marriage is a very big adjustment. Your relationship is starting new; as a married couple not just dating. Part of the journey is figuring out each other in your new roles as husband and wife."

Do not listen to her bitch bc you'll have a skewed view of her husband and their marriage. Step away slowly.

I like all of this advice.

Also, does your sister drink? I didn't have sex till I was 24, and alcohol made it a lot easier, and I had a lot more confidence in myself. Not sloppy drunk, just happy and slightly numb, because it does hurt at first.

I like that this advice is coming from someone named iheartvino.