My SIL is mad at me.

[ECB]

Drawing attention to it? Um, her kids father has a baby. She's going to be fully aware if it.

I hope shes not overly mad, but yet I can see how having someone from one part of her life doing something in reference to a totally separate part of her life could be upsetting. She may just not want those lines crossed.

[jane6672]

I can see how it might give your SIL uncomfy feelings.

[orangeblossom]

I don't think you were wrong. I think it was very thoughtful for you to do that. Kids love getting things in the mail, so that alone probably made her day.

I get that it's uncomfortable for your SIL, but like ECB said her new sibling is going to be around and she will be seeing her regularly.

As much as it stings, she's going to have to get used to hearing about the baby. I'm sure when your niece comes from seeing him the first time, visiting, etc it's going to come up. I'm not invalidating your SILs feelings about BIL and the stepmom, but it's kind of one of those "it is what it is" situation, that you have to figure out the best way to deal with. On the surface they should continue to be good coparents, and she can vent to you and other girlfriends, but in no way should she discourage your niece from having a relationship with her sibling or minimize it.

[jane6672]

I keep mulling this over....

The card was for your niece, not SIL. You aren't "drawing attention" to it, because it is obviously a part of niece's life.

I don't think you are in the wrong, though I can see why SIL might not like it.

[ladystardust]

I don't think you were out of line to send a congrats to your neice on becoming a big sister. I don't quite get trying to minimize it because that will be a big change for her either way. A new half sister seems like a pretty big deal to me. I think it was thoughtful of you to give neice some attention over the birth.

[Booze Raccoon]

You did the right thing.  A new sibling is a big deal no matter the circumstances.  Your SIL is just projecting, she feels wronged by this man (rightfully so) but she can't dictate YOUR relationships so she needs to just suck it up.

[Kristinmo]

It's not like you sent ex BIL a baby gift. I see why it makes her uncomfortable but I think you did the right thing.

[Yankees21]

I think you handled it really well. This was almost my exact situation, with my mom being your SIL, and she was very gracious and understood that I was excited to have a sibling.

[shopgirl07]

Jun 23, 2013 17:14:00 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

It's not like you sent ex BIL a baby gift. I see why it makes her uncomfortable but I think you did the right thing.

I don't think there would have been anything wrong with sending him a baby gift either.

I've been in a similar position, except my ex wasn't such a doting Dad. It's hard but ultimately, your SIL needs to get over it and stop being petty. I'm so glad my son has his sister, she's just the best and they have a nice relationship. I can't imagine not wanting to encourage that.

[papie]

If you had sent your ex-BIL and his GF a card of gift, you would be out of line. A card to your niece is sweet and appropriate. Your SIL needs to get over herself, her daughter is a big sister whether she likes it or not.

[snickers]

I don't think her issue here is giving your nice a card...I think it is probably an issue with the new baby getting attention in general.
I don't think you did anything wrong, your niece is big sister now, whether her mom likes it or not. Your niece will probably grow to love the baby and love being a big sister, and the mom will have to be okay with that.
I can kinda understand why your sister in law might not love the idea, she has no right to be mad at you for this.

[Deleted]

Your SIL is being crazy. It's not like you sent a card to BIL. Even if your SIL doesn't like it, her daughter just became a big sister and that's a big deal. Good for you for sending her a card and recognizing that this is significant.

[thebamker]

It wasn't wrong of you to do it, but I also don't think it's wrong that SIL felt a sting from it either.

Should she be a giant asshole about it? No. But I think you can cut her a bit of slack and see if she gets over it quickly.

[hopecounts]

Your SIL is being crazy.
Like it or not her daughter (niece) is now a big sister and trying to ignore that is unfair to daughter and puts her in the position of not feeling OK with having a good relationship with her new sibling which only hurts the daughter.

You did the right thing and SIL is going to have to come to terms with this.

[Deleted]

Jun 23, 2013 18:24:34 GMT -5 thebamker said:

It wasn't wrong of you to do it, but I also don't think it's wrong that SIL felt a sting from it either.

Should she be a giant asshole about it? No. But I think you can cut her a bit of slack and see if she gets over it quickly.

This is where I'm at, too.
I feel like it depends on HOW mad she's acting. If she's throwing a temper tantrum or refusing to speak to you or something, I'd agree that she's acting crazy. If she just voiced that it upset her and then moved on, I think you should consider cutting her some slack. Even though they've been split for quite a while, this probably isn't very easy for her emotionally.



FWIW, my mom sent my XSIL (brother's ex-wife) a baby gift when she had a baby less than a year after they split up. It was weird. 

[pinkeggs]

It makes me feel kind of sad that your niece has to feel "bad" about becoming a big sister. I'm sure those words were never used, but kids are smart and I'm sure she has picked up on her mom's attitude about it. I mean, she shouldn't feel like she is not allowed to be excited about it.

When I was first reading your post, I thought you were going to say that you sent the ex and his gf a card. THEN I would understand her anger. Making a little girl feel special on an occasion that IS special for her is not a bad thing and I wish your SIL could see it that way.

[auggie]

Jun 23, 2013 17:19:35 GMT -5 Que? said:

Jun 23, 2013 17:14:00 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

It's not like you sent ex BIL a baby gift. I see why it makes her uncomfortable but I think you did the right thing.

Which is actually what I wanted to do because essentially, his baby is a part of my family. I wouldn't have done that to her though.

Is the dad your BIL?  Your H's brother? 

[Deleted]

no, you're sweet to recognize that for YOUR NIECE this is a bfd and comes with a lot of emotions. emotions that your sil, her mother, apparently isn't handling all that well. so, extra good on you for looking out for THE CHILD in this situation. if your sil isn't otherwise a psycho, she'll figure this out one day.

sheesh. it's not like you sent ex-bil a father's day card and a onesie for the new baby.

[saraandmichael]

fucks sake, man! its her new sibling...of course its something to be celebrated! i think that was really sweet and thoughtful of you.

and its been six years...your sil should surely be over this by now, right? i mean...for her daughters sake?

[speckledfrog]

I agree that she's just mad and taking it out on you.

[auggie]

Jun 23, 2013 20:47:42 GMT -5 Que? said:

Jun 23, 2013 20:41:18 GMT -5 auggie said:

Is the dad your BIL?  Your H's brother? 

No, she's my H's sister.

cville, she can be a total psycho at times, and we are not exactly BFF's but she is an excellent Mom and IMO, has handled the divorce and co parenting like a pro.

I'm thinking maybe it's just the idea of her kid having another family and maybe she hasn't really grasped that yet.

Oh, okay. I have a similar SIL that is likewise a a great mom who has handled her cheating ex with so much more grace than he deserves.  In a similar situation, I don't think I would have thought to send a card because I know it would hurt my SIL, but I can see why you would and I think it was thoughtful of you.  My niece would probably like the card but enjoyment she'd get out of it would be minimal compared to the sting my SIL would feel. 

[sparkythelawyer]

Jun 23, 2013 17:00:08 GMT -5 Que? said:

I can't believe I'm even asking this because normally I'm 100% confident that I'm right when it comes to her.

My SIL and her ex split when her kid was a baby, because he cheated. He stayed with his girlfriend and they are still together but not married, 6 years later. BIL was my family for 10 years but I haven't seen him since the split out of respect for her, and bc he's obviously kind of a douche.

Anyway, they are very amicable co parents. My niece sees her Dad every weekend and at all school and sports events etc. and even though my SIL can't stand the stepmom, there's no drama.

Sooo, BIL and his gf had a baby, and I sent a card to my niece. My SIL is pist because she doesn't think I should be celebrating it or drawing attention to it or whatever. Maybe I fucked up. I just thought being a big sister was a big deal?

I think that while I understand while I might be upset to see that card if I were her, I would have kept my yap trapped about it.  She's bringing more drama about it than would otherwise i necessary.

ETA:  I'm not saying she's upset because you did anything wrong, because I don't think you did.  She's upset beause of the situation, not because of your role in it.

[angelaa73]

*your niece is prolly over the moon about this new baby that she will get to "take care of" every weekend. this is an amazing thing for her and I would send a card too

verdict: your sil is a tool

[pantsparty]

I understand your SIL may be sensitive. That being said, you really can't minimize a new baby. It is what it is. Being that she seems somewhat unstable, I wouldn't take her reaction all that seriously. I mean, I wouldn't be a jerk, but I don't think you did anything wrong.